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Does being a mom mean losing your identity?
Filed under: Media
Blogging Baby has had a few posts on stay-at-home parents of late,
but I want to follow up on Jen Creer's
excellent post on being a working mom and,
in particular, on two commenters: one who wrote about how people seem to think intelligent women devolve into
drooling idiots once they stay home with a baby all day, and one who subtly attacked women who choose to
work.
I am a woman who, six years ago, gave up a professional career to stay home with my kids full-time, and it was both the best and worst decision I ever made. It was the best decision in that I truly think it was better for my kids for me to be home with them while they were small. It was good for me, too, to spend those years devoting myself to their needs; there are lessons to be learned from learning to let go of yourself to care for someone else.
But it was also the worst decision I ever made in other respects. The ground I lost career-wise would take me years to make up, if I decided I wanted to return to work in the field of software project management. Over the past six years alone, I’ve given up over $420,000 in personal income - not counting benefits like insurance, 401K matching, and stock options. The decision to stay home has made me financially dependent, for now, upon my husband, and although we have a solid relationship and I love him deeply, I dislike having this financial imbalance in our relationship. Because I quit working, we have no savings to speak of, and we have yet to buy a house.
Perhaps even more importantly, I gave up a huge piece of myself when I became a SAHM. I lost a big chunk of “me” - the me who was an independent working girl, who was respected by her peers and coworkers, the me who was very talented at her job and who loved the challenge of managing complex projects to a satisfactory completion. I traded negotiating deadlines and features with business and marketing managers for negotiating whose turn it is to play Xbox or who had the purple crayon first. And, I must confess, I do not always find the latter intellectually stimulating.
I can echo the sentiments of the commenter to Jen’s post. When a professional woman becomes a stay-at-home mom, she loses a tremendous amount of “perceived value”. People don’t view you the same way when you reply, “Oh, I stay home with the kids”, to the perennial question, “So, what do you do?” Stay-at-home moms, in my experience, are seen as are far less interesting than project managers, software engineers, lawyers or neurosurgeons.
Jen was responding to reader “Debbie” on this post of Jay’s, who commented, “I think kids are an absolute joy and it boggles my mind to think that people would have children and then choose to hand them off to somebody else to raise and enjoy.” What really got me about this comment was that in the same comment, Debbie said, “I agree that women should have a choice in whether they stay home or work outside the home after having kids. But what really makes me sad is when women who don’t HAVE to work outside the home do so anyway. I feel so very fortunate that my husband makes enough money to allow me to be home and raise our children.”
What I find sad about this comment is the assumption that women are somehow more obligated than men to want to stay home and raise babies. Debbie notes that she is fortunate enough to have a husband (who works, presumably) who makes enough money for her to stay at home. I wonder, do Debbie and other stay-at-home moms who feel this way look at their husbands and negatively judge them for going to work? Do they say to their husbands, “You know, honey, I just find it so sad that you’d rather go to work all day than stay home changing poopy diapers and building block towers. So sad that you don’t care enough about our kids to be there for every burp and toddle. I guess I’m just a better parent than you are.”?
Because, of course, underlying this comment (and I’m not picking on just Debbie here, as a SAHM I’ve heard this a LOT from other SAHMs at playgroups and other things we SAHMs do to fill the space of the day), is the implication that SAHMs are somehow better, more caring parents than moms who choose to work. Not the ones who have to work of course, no, we should just pity them. But the ones who work even though they could afford to stay home? How dare they? How dare they have any desire outside the desire to take care of their babies? The nerve of them!
Although I am glad to have had the past six years to devote to my kids, and I am tremendously grateful that we had the income to allow me to make that choice, I am very glad to have made the choice to return to work. I need to work for my own sanity. I need to work for the intellectual stimulation. I need to work because I love writing and creative work almost as much as I love my husband and children. I need to work, because I need to work. Period. And I am a better mother to my kids when I am meeting my own needs as well.
This time around, I have found a better way to make a balance - by using my professional writing background to forge a career working at home. This works for me pretty well, although there are days when I’m trying to get work done in between the demands of housework and children, and nights when I’m still not done working at 1AM, when I think longingly of a nice, quiet office where I could work uninterrupted. But on the balance, I enjoy being here with my kids and fitting my work in around them, and because I am also homeschooling I need to be home during the day.
In addition to my job writing for Weblogs, Inc., I have other writing irons in the fire that will, I think, end up making me substantially more income than I gave up six years ago. Income that will allow us to loosen our tight spending belts a notch, to save money for the kids’ college educations, to buy a house and to bolster our sagging finances. But more than all the financial aspects, I’m glad to be working again for ME. I feel like I’ve found my old self again, the self that had interests and intellectual pursuits outside the day-to-day drudgery of endless dishes and laundry and diaper changes. I’ve found the old me again and, I must say, it’s good to have her back.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Amy said...When I got pregnant and told people I was quitting to stay at home, I heard the same comment over and over from some of the older ladies I worked with. It went along the lines of, "I stayed at home with mine, and I have never regretted it." On the other side, I've heard the "It's nice if you can do it" comment from many working moms. But I've never heard any stay-at-home moms say they regretted being at home, but I have heard working moms regret that they weren't. Now, surely, none of my research is at all scientific and I know plenty of happy working moms. I'm not judging.
When my son was born, I did almost become a zombie. But after several months, I decided that I needed something more, even though I was determined not to go back to work until my kids were in school. So I started a chapter of the International MOMS Club in my small town. I've kept myself really involved in activities and have made a ton of new friends that also stay home, people I can call and talk to when everyone else is working. It's been a great life-line, and it's enriched not just my life, but my son's life as well. I wish more women who feel isolated or alone would realize there are great organizations like the MOMS Club out there.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Kim said...You know, Amy? The first paragraph of your comment, I could have written verbatim six years ago when I first decided to stay home with my new son and my then 2 1/2 YO daughter. The whole, "I've never met a SAHM who regretted the time with her kids" bit - is exactly the rationale I used to quit my job and stay home. I'd wager that your son is still a baby, maybe toddler, and that you haven't been doing the SAHM thing for all that long.
It's not like I've been unabashedly miserable for six years; I've enjoyed being home with my kids, and I'm still home with my kids, I homeschool my kids, I've just found a way to integrate the very necessary component of independent work back into my life. And I totally understand why some women just can't stay home, because there are days when it drives me crazy not to be going out to work.
I've done the "moms club" thing - did it for almost five years, in fact; served on the Board for 4 of those five years, did Bunko, and playgrounds, and fundraisers, and coffees, and field trips, oh my. All of it just served to fill the empty spaces and to mask, a little, the intellectual void I was feeling.
I have many friends who just love being SAHMs and wouldn't trade it for anything. They are fulfilled, completely, by motherhood, absorbed in their children, and that's great for them. It's not me. And I just grow weary of SAHMs who judge, and who assume that because this SAHM-dom doesn't satisfy me completely, that I'm somehow less of a mother than they are.
I also grew to feel I was doing my own daughters something of a disservice, when my 8YO said to me, "Mom, there are so many things I'm interested in, so many things I want to do and be, and then I'll just have to give up doing all the things I'd like to have a career in when I become a mommy like you, because I'll have to quit my job."
I want my daughters to know they have choices. The choice to stay home after they have kids, they choice to keep working, or the choice to find a balance that works for them, as I have.
What I've learned most, over the past 6 years, is that I can't judge myself by other peoples feelings, or other women's regrets about working, or regrets about giving up careers to stay home. I can only look at myself, and do what works for me and for my own kids.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Amy said...Did I forget to mention I have every intention of going back to work when my next baby (due any day now) is in the first grade? Luckily, I am a teacher so my schedule will mesh pretty well with my kids' schedules and I can still be home when they need me. Maybe some moms want to stay home once their kids are in school, but I'd go absolutely nuts. (And kudos to you for homeschooling, but I am NEVER going to do that!)
The way I see it, why can't I have it both ways? I went to college, I lived independently, I got married and worked up until three days before I gave birth. Now I am enjoying my time with my son (who is in fact a toddler) and soon to be new baby. I am showing them that they are the most important things in my life. I don't think the fact that I stayed home for what will approximate eight years is going to show my daughter that women can't do anything. It's just going to show her that we have choices. And I made the choice to stay home when it was important, and I'll make the choice to work later. And I'll work because I WANT to work, not because I have to. And I think THAT is a good lesson to learn.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Kim said...One of the things I just got really tired of during the "Playgroup Years" as we call them around here, was all the SAHMs bashing moms who chose to return to work - especially if they didn't "need" to. No one really knows what another person "needs", and there are some women who just do not have the temperment to stay home with the kids all day, any more than a lot of men, given the choice to go work outside the home, would choose to stay home.
Society has us ingrained with the notion that just because we're womena and we carry the babies, we must therefore inherently want to be the primary caregivers, and that's just not always the case. I know men who stay home or work at home to be with the kids while the wife goes to work, and people tend to judge those families differently than when it's the woman who gives up her career.
Amy - it sounds like you've found a plan that works for you, so congrats on that! And I agree with you, I'm very glad to have this time with my kidlets and wouldn't trade it. My daughter and I have since had many more conversations on that subject, btw, about different choics she might make.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Amy said...I think a bigger problem is that too many women "identy" themselves by their jobs. Then when they lose that, they think they are losing themselves. I loved teaching and I do miss it, but I'm enriched by so many other things in my life. My job did not define me. It's dangerous that women place their self-worth on their ability to work and contribute. Why can't we define ourselves by who we are, and not by what we do?
Being at home has also given me time to think about what I want to do when it's time to go back to work. Do I want to continue teaching the same subject, or do I want to learn something new to teach? Maybe go to work in a different field or even enter politics? These are things I'd have never thought of if I hadn't taken these years to raise my children. I can see clearly how many opportunities there are out there for me now.
It's also dangerous to teach children that the only reason for education is to train for a vocation. Why can't I study biology if I don't want to be a biologist? There's so much more I want to learn, and just because I won't "use" it to make money, doesn't make it any less valuable.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Megan said...Thanks for a thought-provoking thread. I am a SAHM, but I would never judge anyone else for their choices about work. At the same time, I do resent the societal pressures that we face in making this intensely personal decision -- either the pressure to be a "real mother" by staying home, or the pressure that career women face in trying to take time away from intensely demanding and unforgiving job paths.
And what I hate most is the pressure to earn as much as possible, purportedly for the good of one's family. We are scraping by in one of the most expensive areas of the country on my husband's piddly academic salary, and life is just fine. As the product of a working class family of perpetual renters, I know first hand that success and happiness have very little to do with family income.
As an attorney who decided to stay at home with my son, I have faced criticism from friends and family who are surprised that I would "throw away" my education, my big salary, and my successful practice. But these same people would have understood, and even applauded my decision if I had been in a different career path. I ultimately decided that my decisions about my child should not be influenced by my chosen career path. If I felt that it was best to stay at home with my son, why should it matter whether I was an attorney or a barrista at Starbucks?
I agree that it was difficult to give up my identity as an attorney. And I resist the temptation to rebrand myself as a super-mommy (which is probably the source of conflict between SAHMs and professional moms). What does separate me from the working moms is all the activities that would be impossible if I were practicing. Lazy afternoon walks, daily trips to the Y, extended visits with far-away family, spending time with other moms and babies in my community, reading novels for the first time since law school. Life is so rich and unhurried. I am so grateful for this time.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Elizabeth said...As a working mommy married to a sort-of stay-at-home dad (he works at home, so our daughter is in daycare part time during the week), I do see that people react to us differently. So many people tell me how lucky I am that Tom can stay home - do they ever tell men that they are lucky that their wives stay home with the kids? I don't think so! He gets compliments in the grocery store, restaurants, everywhere, about how good he is with our daughter, just for doing totally normal childrearing tasks.
And nothing burns me up more than the comments about "not turning my children over to strangers to raise." First of all, our daycare providers are not strangers. They are loving, caring men and women that adore my daughter and have her best interests at heart, and I took great pains to be sure that they would be good for her. Second, they are not "raising" my daughter for me! (and wouldn't be even if she were in daycare full-time). Sure, they spend lots of time with her. But we make the calls about what she's ready and not ready to do, we get her dressed in the morning and teach her to go down a slide and help her not be afraid of new people and teach her new words and decide when she's ready for big girl shoes and on and on and on. She loves her daycare providers, but there is nothing like the smile that lights up her face when I come to pick her up in the afternoon. Whether I work because I "have to" or because I "want to," my baby likes having me for a mommy just fine.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
michelle said...The bottom line is that you have to do what is best for your situation, your family, your mental health. I've been home for 5 years now and am going back and forth about getting a job or finding something that makes me passionate. I too have lost myself in this thing called motherhood. I will never down people for their choices to work. I used to feel that way, that it was bad to work, but now I understand why women do it. And every situation is different and unlike mine. And I have the means to stay home at this point, but I feel very unsatisfied intellectually. I feel drained and tired and what good am I to my kids when I am like this? I tried the moms groups full of yuppy sahm's and that didn't work for me. I need a passion, not people to fulfill me. I don't know if that means getting an outside hobby or going back to work where I can use my talents for good. I didn't have a great job before my kids. I didn't give up a career that paid $100K a year. I just a gave up a job that I happened to be good at. It wasn't anything special. I was appreciated there though, not so sure I am at home. But the bottom line is that you have to do what is best for you and your family and let all other comments go by the wayside.
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Katy said...Amy, the reason why you don't hear from stay at home moms who regret it, it's because of how we get treated if we suggest we're not completely happy being a stay at home mom. "Oh, you must have post-partum depression!" or even worse "How can you be so ungrateful! I know dozens of women who'd love to be in your shoes!".
I know being a working mom won't solve all my problems and will bring on different problems. I might deal with it better if I didn't have to hear how damn "lucky" I am because my husband can "afford" to have me stay at home. How easy it is to forget that I worked 8 months ago and most of that money that makes it possible for me to stay home? It wasn't my husband at all. That was me working overtime and doing outside contracts.
I think you definately do lose a part of your identity, if not most of it. It's just too hard to keep raising a kid, keep your house in order, and then fight to be someone besides "Mom". I'm scared I'll be stuck at home forever. I have 0 support for going back to work in a year and a half, and everyone seems to think I'll give up this silly going back to school for my master's.
It really grates on my nerves to have a random person refer to me as "Mom". I am mom to only one person in the world. If random people feel the need to call someone "Mom" so badly, I have 50 cents they can have to telephone their mothers. If I introduce myself as Katy, then I am not giving anyone permission to address me as "Mom" but yet they persist.
I'm a person too, not just a sleep deprived automaton who follows my child around, feeding him, playing with him, and changing his diaper at appropriate junctures in between cleaning the house and cooking dinner. I do not deserve to be looked at as if I have suddenly sprouted a few extra appendages in the most freakish configuration possible if I ask to be addressed by my given name and not "Mom".
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12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM
Jennifer said...Neither parent should be expected to remain at home with their children if they find this unfulfilling. I'd agree childcare does not necesarily equate with 'turning your kids over to strangers' so neither mum nor dad should regret not devoting their entire lives to their children - after all, they will up and leave the family home with little thought for sacrifices made by their parents.
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