Confessions of an almost-birth-mother

by Kim Voynar (Subscribe to Kim Voynar's posts) Jul 26th 2005 11:25AM

Categories: Pregnancy & Birth, Adoption, Media

Boy oh boy, did I open a can of worms with my post the other day about the mom who sold her baby for $5,000. I already said this in the comments, but I'll preface this post with it too: I am sorry if some members of the adoption community were offended by the economic analogy I used (and I wasn't comparing babies to hunks of beef, by the way - I'm a parent of five, folks - I was comparing the economic model of adoption to the economic model of trading money for any other thing of value).

However, the mere fact that some people disagree with me does not mean they are right and I am wrong, or that I am right and they are wrong - just that we have different points of view on a subject about which we feel passionately. And that's okay, folks. Difference of opinion is a good thing, we don't all have to think alike, and as a writer, I am not going to soft-pitch everything I write to avoid all possibility of offending any person who might read it.

The folks I've read comments from who hated my post - mostly either adoptive parents or folks associated with agencies, from what I could glean - are going to take out of that post what they come into it with - a point of view shaped by their perspective as adoptive parents or people who run adoption agencies.

Likewise, my point of view is shaped by my own experiences with adoption, which I am going to share with you here. Because, you see, I was once almost a part of the "adoption community". I was a teen-age mother. I was 16 when I got pregnant with my daughter Meg, and when I got pregnant I transferred to an out-of-school program run by a local adoption agency (one of the largest and most respected in Oklahoma at the time). The program was great in that it allowed me to stay in school while only attending class half-time, and allowing for maternity leave. But it was traumatic in other respects.

From the minute I walked in the door, to the time I left, I was pressured constantly to give my baby up for adoption. The agency had a long, long waiting list of "better" parents who could give my white newborn a "more stable" home than I could. My baby was white, I was healthy, and we were both prime commodities at that agency. I was pressured in subtle ways - little talks with the teachers, "counseling" sessions that invariably focused on either how keeping the baby was going to ruin my social life and career plans, or on how older, more mature parents, would be so much better for my child than I would.

I was pressured in not-so-subtle ways - the teen moms who were keeping their babies were "discouraged" from socializing with the "birth moms" who were giving their babies up. We were not allowed to visit our classmates at the hospital after their babies were born, because if they talked to us they might want to hold their babies, and they might change their minds. Everyone at the school knew that I had excellent family support, that I was starting college three months after my baby was born, that my grandmother was retiring to watch the baby while I went to school. I understood their point of view - the director explained it to me more than once - which was that the agency could not afford to run the school for girls like me, if we all kept our babies. The agency needed the adoption fees to run the program. Girls who kept their babies cost the agency money.

And so, they pressured me. Relentlessly. Maybe I'd change my mind. Maybe I should just "leaf through" the binders of waiting parents. Older, better parents, who had been waiting so long for a baby just like mine. Waiting. For my baby.

I kept my baby.

When she was three months old, I came within a hair of giving her up. I was still not fully physically recovered from my very traumatic birth. I was trying to go to college and raise a baby. I was sleep-deprived, exhausted.

Would I have sold her to a stranger for $5,000? I don't think so, no. I wouldn't have gone back to the agency that pressured me so relentlessly, though. I'd have gone, maybe, through our family lawyer to help find adoptive parents. In the end, though - I loved my daughter, I was bonded to her, I was committed to her. I kept her. We both survived, and today she is a lovely young woman in college. I am so very glad I stuck to my guns, and did not cave into the pressure to give her up to "better" parents. If I'd given her up, they would have loved her, she would have been happy. A Meg-shaped hole would have been in my heart, forever.

I had many friends who did give their babies up, and for them, that was the right decision, and I'm glad it was available to them. They made the decision that was right for them, I made the decision that was right for me.

Several years later, I applied for a job as an intake counselor with an adoption agency - one of the largest, most well-respected agencies in the Southwest. In the interview, I was asked whether I thought that being a teen mom would impact how I would counsel teen mothers, and if I would try to persuade them to keep their babies.

No, I said. I would counsel them to look to their hearts, evaluate their situation honestly, and make the best decision for themselves and their babies, regardless of what other people thought. I would be there, to support the birth mother whatever choice she needed to make - to support her in relinquishing, or to support her in deciding not to relinquish.

The turned me down for the job, and they told me the honest truth - that they weren't hiring me, although I was qualified in every respect, because they were afraid that my story of being a successful teen mother would dissuade birth moms from relinquishing. They didn't want a positive role model for the girls who would say, "Hey, I've been there, and it is possible to still get through school and be successful and happy". The woman who interviewed me told me frankly that they had a very long list of couples waiting to adopt white newborns, and their goal was to keep the wait as short as possible for those clients. Ergo, they needed counselors who would follow their protocol to keep the teen moms focused on relinquishing.

The agency, you see, viewed the adoptive parents as the "clients". Not the teen mothers making the hardest decision of their lives. They were just supplying what the clients were waiting for. The agency didn't care, really, about supporting the teen moms, other than as incubators for adoptable babies; it was not about making sure these girls were making the right decision, not doing something they would regret later. They wanted those babies relinquished, and their entire methodology was built around doing everything possible to ensure that birth mothers would give their babies up.

I am not attacking adoptive parents. I think people who adopt are fabulous, and Jay and I may very well adopt one or two foster kids to add to our brood, one of these days. I am not attacking the institution of adoption, which fills a valuable need for both adoptive parents and birth mothers who cannot keep their babies. I am not attacking all adoption agencies - I don't have experience with all of them, after all, so how can I? I can just tell you about my personal experiences, as a teenage birth mother who nearly gave a baby up - what I went through as the recipient of the services provided by the agency that ran the school I attended, and my experience applying for that job.

All parents "pay" for the privilege of raising a child. We've certainly "paid" for every one of my kids - in midwife, doctor and hospital fees; in diapers, and baby food, and doctor visits; in baby clothes and baby furniture; in soccer league fees and ballet class fees and grocery bills and orthodonist fees. We all pay. I don't love my kids any more because they were born of my body than I would love kids that we adopted into our family. I love each of my kids - including the one that I almost gave away.

Comments (53)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)

jennifer 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

what a great post! you know i commend you for having five!

i was pregnant at 20 and decided to "explore my options" and had a similar experience to what you had.

i never chose a family and was planning on the baby to go to foster care while i decided the biggest decision of my life.

i went through lss and asked for time to think after i delivered my daughter. within hours of delivering, and without any consideration for my feelings, the lss woman showed up at my hospital room with three birthmothers in the waiting room ready to talk to me.

anyhow, that was over 11 years ago. i am now happily expecting my fourth!

Crystal 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

it's a tough situation. my mom was a teen mom, she had me at 18, and since my "sperm donor" was such a shumuck everyone pressured her to either abort or adopt. i'm glad she didn't come under the same pressure you did, or my life might have been much different. adoption is woderful, but i agree with you, some of the facilities are not.

Figlet 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

even still, you continue to miss the point that you cavalierly denigrated the adoption process that most of us have been through and refused to apologize for a careless choice of words. obviously your flippant remarks were colored by the fact that you nearly placed your first born for adoption (critical difference being that you didn't) and that you have dealt with an agency or two whose motivations may have been a little suspect. i also cringe that you wrote "i think people who adopt are fabulous." no, actually, most of us aren't all that fab. we do want to parent and have gone through legitimate channels to do so. your comment, yet again, is condescending. what is it about adoptive parents, in your view, that makes us fabulous people? first you accuse us of purchasing our kids, but now we're fabulous? how can we be one and the other? selfish creatures who will stop at nothing to sate our desires to purchase small children, and still fabulous? oh dear. please. just. apologize. without a qualifer. "i'm sorry if" is a non-admission. you blew it.

Dawn 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

i'm glad you said you're sorry for saying something hurtful. i want to say, too, that your experience is important but does not give you permission to speak for the adoption community anymore than my being the parent of a black daughter give me the permission (as a white woman) to speak to the experience of being african american. and for what it's worth, agencies like the ones you went to are considered unethical by most of the adoption reform community. our agency certainly does not work like that.

Kim 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

um, dawn? i wasn't speaking for the adoption community. i was speaking for myself.

i'm done apologizing and commenting on this subject, folks. send me hate mail, do your boycott, whatever.

and figlet? geez, i just can't win with you people, can i? you are determined to take offense no matter what i say, so i'm not communicating with you further on this subject. when some is going to take every heartfelt word you write and twist it to suit their own point of view that you're a terrible person, there's just no point in talking. you aren't listening.

as a writer, i have a pretty thick skin, but folks, you are just attacking me personally at this point, and i'm not participating in your public lynching.

Marla 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

you want to chalk it up to a difference of opinion when we are talking about facts. selling a baby is illegal, no matter how you try to spin it. it's not semantics. it's not roast beef. it's not about one or two personal stories. it's about the law. your orginal point of your first post was what's the "diff" between a woman who illegally adopted a baby and one that went through correct legal channels to make the adoption legal. you said in this post you would have used an agency. that is the "diff"--you would have made it legal.

and we all know about paying-- those of us in the "adoption community", including our children, absorb the expense of ignorance all the time.

Heather McCutcheon 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

kim, don't worry, the women attacking you have personal issues that they are dealing with and they feel that they have no choice but to come in swinging and seeking out anything and everything that they don't like about what you said. in other words, they have way too much time on their hands.

i thought this was a wonderful post. (i also thought that the original post was thought provoking.) i'm sorry that you had to go through that sort of situation when you were 16, how fabulous to have a great family to support you!

and adoptive parents are fabulous. sorry if that sounds condescending (if so, we could all use that sort of condescending remark) but i think they are. my grandparents adopted to children, my grandfather was adopted and maybe someday i may choose to adopt. but i hope that when i do the person who gives their child up is doing so with love and not because they feel unworthy or are pressured to do it.

kim, most of us 'get' the fact that when you speak and use the words 'i', you are speaking for you, not for everyone.

i like ice cream, did i just speak for every other white, red head single mom in north america? nope.

Figlet 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

hmmm. heather, the "personal issue" i have boils down to dealing with the number of jackasses i have encountered since starting the adoption process. fortunately i feel my husband and i are up for the myriad challenges that face conspicuous families built through adoption. mess with me? whatever. mess with my kid, make a "joke" about her costing a lot? oh no. i mean it's probably not all that funny to talk about bastard children, though it was once common to ostracize children born outside of wedlock. shrugging off a cruel comment about adoption just isn't ok. so yeah, i guess i'm dealing with some pretty personal issues. thanks for the cheap therapy.

Mamacita 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

i, too, fully support kim voynar's right to express herself. i found her essay very good, and very realistic, and totally not deserving of the bile and venom that is being spewn on her by people who apparently have no sense of humor, and who are overcome by a sense of self-righteousness that 'their way' is the only right way. and yes, i am a biological mother and also a mother who once tried to adopt but couldn't afford the agency fees even though we had the room and the financial ability to support and nurture the child; we just could not afford the tens of thousands of dollars out to the agency. we had money for diapers and formula and clothing and food, we had the furniture. we had plenty of love to go 'round. we just didn't have the cash up front that seven agencies required, and if anyone wants to call adopting through an agency 'not paying,' maybe they're too rich to remember how things are in the real world.

there are so many children out there who could have a loving home, if getting them to us just didn't cost so much. my own kids are grown and gone and i would so love to have more children in my home again. . . .

i did notice that every one of those agencies had really good wall art and new carpeting.

now jump on me. i love children, i would love to have more, i would love to give several children a home, and we are applying to be foster parents in a few days.

and am i the only one who thinks that all of these 'hate posts' could have been avoided if, ahem, certain people had a working sense of humor?

if any of the businesses that advertise on bb pulls out because of these venomous women, i will never buy from them again. they won't miss me, but they might notice the 'advertisement' i will give them on my own blog.

some of the comments here are so dark and creepy and humorless; i hate to think of a child being raised in such a home. really.

sleepingmommy 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

why is it that when people disagree with something that they are passionate they can't take a couple of minutes and breath and actually open their minds to another person's point of view long enough to allow that the other person has a right to that point of view and may not in fact me attacking them personally?

i'm sorry kim, you are dealing with this mess. i posted an innocent "i like gay men" post last month and got jumped on by a local hardliner all gays go to hell bible thumper. i tried carrying on a descent conversation with her and disagree civily as you have here but she would not listen and just kept coming back for the last word, never addressing the real issue that i was talking about. i finally had to ban her ip because it started getting personal.

hope this mess clears up soon.

Mortimer's Mom 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

wow! i have *issues* because i don't want people to come up to me when my daughter is within earshot and ask me how much she cost?!?
us crazies of the adoption community, we're sensitive about that. we want our children to grow up full of self-confidence, not self-doubt. and when a so-called journalist ends her original post by hinting that illegal baby-buying and a legal, above-board adoption are the same thing, that's when we start fighting. it's comments like that that make people think they can come up to me in the grocery line and ask rude and obnoxious questions about the cost of my adoption.

i for one will let my dollars do the talking, since that's all you seem to care about. and i will not be buying from any of your advertisers.

Amy 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

first kim. i commend you for telling this personal story. the actions of those involved in pressuring you to surrender your child were unabashedly wrong. there is no one who wants anything to do with ethical adoption practices that would think for even a minute to defend them. i'm sincerely sorry you were the victim of that type of pressure and i'm glad for you and for your child that you were strong enough to stand up for what was right for your family. you did not deserve to be treated that way and that type of practice is not anything i or anyone else who cares about adoption would advocate.

i think your original post that caused all of this uproar is a very different subject and i don't think your understandable and justifiable anger over what was done to you as a teen mom puts you in a position to pass judgment on the adoption community as a whole. just a few days before you posted your last comment about the "dif" between offering cash for purchasing a child and angelina jolie's legal adoption your husband linked and commented on a post about how rude it was for a stranger to ask how much jenex's daughter li cost. that was the first post i ever read on blogging baby so it was understandably a little jarring to see your post equating adoption with purchasing a person a few days later. i didn't seek to attack you personally. i attacked your comments and pointed out how flawed they were. when you are the writer for a commercial website you open yourself up to comment and criticism. none of us (as far as i know, and if anyone has it isn't right) has attacked you on your personal page. we have kept our comments here and tried to keep them relevant to your original post.

i for one recognized that you were not actually implying that a child was equal to a piece of meat. but the child and the meat in your analogy did occupy the same role. they were painted as the product, the thing to be bought and sold. i'm sorry that you seem incapable of understanding why that was deeply offensive to everyone involved in a legal adoption, including children and birthmothers. i'm finding it hard to understand your continuing need to defend this statement that clearly hurt and offended lots of people.

mamacita- most of the woman who have been posting these comments are actually wickedly funny, smart and really wonderful. i know that because i read their blogs and laugh out loud on a pretty regular basis. they are also angry. angry that someone who claims to know something about adoption, someone who writes for a commercial website, would accuse them of buying their children. i would hope that if you decide to pursue adoption and do some reading and serious thinking about the subject that you will see to be angry about it as well. i don't think any adoptive parents are looking to deny that there is a very real economic component to adoption. money plays a big part in the choices that some adoptive parents make as far as what programs and agencies to work with. international adoption tends to be a bit more expensive than most agency domestic adoptions because there are hundreds of forms that need processing, translating and authenticating and huge travel costs involved. there are also adoptions that are practically free. there are lots of ways to adopt and lots of types of adoption that range from completely free to upwards of 20,000. a lot of people of very, very modest means have found ways to adopt through non profit agencies, the state and by seeking grants and tax rebates. if you are truly committed to adoption i am pretty sure you would be able to find a way that works for you that doesn't involve offering a birthmother 5000 cash for her kid. that was really our point.

and just for the record...i am neither an adoptive parent, someone who works for an agency nor someone with too much time on my hands. i am someone who cares about children and human rights and doesn't think the very real problem of child trafficking should ever be made light of.

Molly 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

believe me, we're not humorless, those of us responding to kim's post. we're just tired. really, really, really tired of answering questions about how much we paid for our babies. tired of misinformation spread around like needing to bring $10,000 to china for bribes. we're tired, bone tired, of being told that we're so! wonderful! for adopting, or the not-so-subtle insinuations that we are not the "real" parents. but clearly, we're not to tired to argue. ha.

kim, your experience is interesting. i'm glad things worked out for you.

Molly 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

oh, make that "not too tired to argue." or to correct typos.

cheryl b. 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

kim, i have always enjoyed your blog but i am also outraged at your choice of words. see the thing is, you asked a question "what's the diff?" and so people are telling you the difference as you requested. the difference is that one is legal and one isn't. are there any other illegal activities that you condone? consensual sex and rape perhaps? you need to apologise for your wording, end of discussion.

cheryl b. 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

oh and mamacita? your comment "maybe they're too rich to remember how things are in the real world"? i think i hear karen's second mortgage begging to differ.

Niki 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

please read kim's follow up post, "an apology to the adoption community."

http://www.bloggingbaby.com/entry/1234000310051997/

Kelly 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

i think, as a person currently adopting through a china program, that one should understand the cost of an adoption is not handing over 25, 000 to an adoption agency and then getting a child. it is money spent through the process. such as the cost of the home study, the cost of ins, the cost of travel, the cost of processing the application (only 300.00!), a donation to the orphanage, fingerprinting, etc... it all adds up and it is not like i said here is the money, i want the baby. i have run into several people who get very upset over adopting because of their bad experiences, and that is fine, but the way that you expressed yourself kim, you obviously knew this was going to upset people and when you got even more angry readers then you expected you got sucked into telling us about your experiences, but let me ask again and i apologize if you have to repeat yourself, why at 16 didn't your parents/ grandma (whoever) stick up for you? why did you have to make this decision on your own and why, when they were "pressuring you" didn't you tell your guardians what was going on. i am not denying that this happened, but i think that things have changed alot since you were a teenager, and maybe the adoption agency didn't hire you because in fact you would have a problem with mothers who were giving their children up for adoption. how, if you are so sincere and have this strong opinion, could you ever be diplomatic about it. it seems to me and maybe to the staff that didn't hire you, you that may be you could not be diplomatic because it was too close to your heart. and maybe, because god does work in many ways, you did not get the job because he didn't want you to be reminded of this traumatic experience in your life. be thankful that you didn't get the job, you should know that you wouldn't be suited for it. speaking of credentials, you were fine, but as far as your emotions, it wasn't right for you. to all adoptive moms out there, i think you are wonderful and to all moms out there that have given children up for adoption, i applaud you for doing what you think is best for your child. no kim, i don't think that being a young mom is not as good as being a secure, older parent, but that worked out for you and they didn't force you to give up the baby, they may have been giving you the options and probably trying to sway you in a different direction, but that is their job and they were the people that had seen your situation probably a hundred times. to all the adoptive moms out there that were offended by kim, listen, she is one person and really in the whole scheme of things who cares? it is your decision and there is always going to be the "kims" of the world and probably your child will encounter one, but you just have to show your child love and as they grow older teach them that not everyone is understanding because of their own beliefs. i am proud that i am about to become an adoptive mom, you don't have to give birth to be a mom. and i am proud that i am able to give a child a good life, and no i am not buying my baby, i am paying for things like i said above, just like someone would pay for the birth costs.

DJsMom 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

kim, i totally support you and thank you for sharing your story.

i was one of the ones who were coerced into surrendering my child. i was under 18 and had no options. as someone who has seen that side of the adoption machine, i know the tremendous pressure that is put upon young mothers to surrender. i also have seen the other side of adoption, and i know that people who want to adopt all not all the same and therefore do so for a variety of reasons. many of them are willing to pay any cost to get a baby. the money does not usually go to the mother. i paid all my own medical expenses as well as the cost of the home i was sent to. i was told i would get on with my life as if it never happened and go on to have other children. i have been unable to carry another child and i never forgot. thank god i found my son and we have a close loving relationship. we were both very hurt by what happened to us, even though he grew up in a loving environment. his adopters say he is happier and calmer since i found him. he now knows i wanted him and loved him, and that i still do.

good for you for keeping your child!

Charlie 12-18-2005 @ 7:13PM

sooooooo... kim has an experience with the "birth mother" side of adoption, and with the hiring process for adoption places. anybody else got those? i think i read maybe 2 comments that relate to the actual article.

focus, people! focus!

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Confessions of an almost-birth-mother