Confessions of an almost-birth-mother

To all of you who bashed me for anything I said you can be rest assured that I am a 33 year old married woman of 3 years who cannot have children and who wants to provide a child with a home and would Never start an adoption process in the US. I am adopting a baby girl from China who is an orphan, who needs my love and who will be my child. Her name is Emma Elizabeth and her mom for all that we know left her on the street. I am sure that she didn't want to but the law is one baby and if it is not a boy then the mom usually has to give the child up. Noone ever said it was right but that is the way that it is. I feel very sorry for the mom because she probably wasn't given a choice, but no matter how it happened, that mom left the baby. For three months Emma waited in a crib for someone to claim her and they didn't, so I can take her home. It is costing me a lot to travel there, and I will make a donation of $3,000 which will go to the orphanage for the other children who are left behind. I don't feel guilty because her birth mom had no choice and I am sure that she would be thankful to know that her child is in the care of someone like me. It is not to make the government money, it is because the amount of people in China is overwhelming and they feel, as they have forever, that a male child is better than a female. I wrote this to provoke you to see what would happen if I shared my views on adoption with someone in the US and I also shared my view of adoption with a lovely Chinese lady that I met. The reaction is very different. The Chinese are thankful that there is someone to take in children, the Americans are not, it is all about money. Ofcourse the circumstances are different. I will teach my daughter that she has choices and chances. I will give her every opportunity and if she gets pregnant at a young age, I won't let a stranger tell her what to do. I will not leave her alone long enough to be what you call, "coerced" by a social worker. I will support her and she and her family will make that decision. Ladies that don't agree with adoption, come and look at it from our side too, alot can be learned from the "google search" as NaturalMom stated, yes what can also be learned is that there are many, many happy children who are adopted, and many sites dedicated to adoption, whether with a profit or non-profit organization. Don't be one-sided because of one experience. Yes it was traumatizing, but move on and try, if you can, to see both sides. I have, I see your sides, I see that you are hurt and I am sorry that you were hurt. We all want what is best for the child. I am not an older "Mrs" who thinks that what she says is right, like I said I am 33 and I cannot be a natural mom and now I see how women really think. My test proved that there is a bond between biological mom and child in most cases, but I also think that there can be a bond between adoptive parents as well. Please forgive me for anyone who I have offended, you are all fabulous people with fabulous stories, so really what's the diff? Sorry I couldn't help but quote Kim, I am only kidding.... really you are a passionate bunch of folks and I think it is great.

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Kelly -- If it makes you feel better to think that every female who gives birth is between 13-15, then I am so sorry for bringing some reality into your life.

Oh come on, please tell me that you don't seriously think that babies in the adoption system all come from children having a night of fun in the back seat of a car -- I know that would fit in perfectly with being the "savior", the "good adoptive parent" saving the baby from the terrible uncaring mother who is but a child herself -- but do get real.

Yes Kelly I have thought about this a great deal just as I have thought that simply because someone wants to be a "mommy" to a baby through adoption doesn't guarantee anything -- their maturity, stability, honesty -- doesn't guarantee anything except that they want an infant. Doesn't mean there will be no future physical or emotional or any other abuse, no drug use, no alcoholism, doesn't even mean that there will be two parents, or that the financial situation of the family will remain stable or even that the major care giver will even be a family member of the adoptive family.

Did you really read what I wrote or were you sitting there primed with what you wanted to say, waiting for any excuse to let loose? Try reading it again this time without reading your interpretation into it.

Sometimes people say exactly what they mean -- no need to expand it to encompass what you want it to say, so you can come thru with the pat answers.

-- These horrible creatures that we call, ADOPTIVE PARENTS, should be shunned -- Kelly, these are your words, definitely not mine, so do not try to attribute them to me.

You are so busy defending when you haven't been attacked. Actually you are attacking -- "the back of the car" scenario, the crude "once that child comes out" comment -- you missed a few of the standards but given more time I am sure they would have come forth.

"There is nothing wrong with taking a child from a woman who gave birth if she is an unfit parent (you have already decided the child was from a teenage engaging in a roll around in the back seat so they must be unfit) or allowing an adoption of a child who might not get a nice life (a nice life?, is that the one where they tell the mother about the wonderful couple who is loaded and can provide the best of everything).

The tax break won't make a dent in the care for the child you say -- well will it make a dent in the adoption costs? If it won't make a difference in your life, why not give that to someone who is adopting an older child or children? How about giving that amount to a mother who needs a helping hand? Somehow, I don't see that happening.

you say "Lets just make everything better because we are taking money away from a good adoptive parent and giving it to a mother who might not even want the child." -- but then again maybe the mother desparately wants her child and the money would make a big difference in their lives. Wouldn't fit with your scenario though, would it? Cal

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Cal, I commend you for being passionate about what you believe in. No I really don't think that everyone that gets pregnant is between the ages of 13 and 15, and no I don't think that every child was consumed in the back of a car. AT ALL. However, I do feel that you need to seriously take on these agencies that you feel have done something wrong and unjust to young mothers. Maybe you could show that much passion to the government or other agencies. Cal, I really don't think that I am a "savior", I am just a person who thinks that taking on the responsiblity, when it is done legally and is agreed by both parties, of another woman's child to provide a good, stable home is commendable. Why else would any of us go through this bashing and paying all of this money if it wasn't for a good cause. In no way shape or form did I ever use the words, every mother who gets pregnant at a young age is a bad or unfit mother, probably most are great moms with a little help if needed. You don't have to be angry anymore, you have said what you needed, I have pushed buttons and you stuck to your guns. Teach your children that and they will go far. As for your negativity on adoption, I feel that maybe someday if you try hard enough, you will win this war of words by doing something about what you believe in, like i said take on the people that you think are doing things wrong. You have the fight now go and get them. But in the mean time please think of Emma and I and what a bond we will have, and know that no matter what she will know everything about her birth mother, atleast as much as I can get out of anyone and she will always know that her birth mom loved her even before she was born, but had no choice because of her circumstances. I think all adoptive moms should speak highly of the child's birth mother, so they know that they were loved by two women, one who gave the gift of life and the other who raised the child. Calm down Cal, the fight is off. Oh and by the way, just one more thing. I have already decided to give that tax break to Ginnys House which is a home for abused children, so you really shouldn't make assumptions. I never planned on keeping that money. Some of us are people who try to do good.

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By the way before you all think I am really an idiot, I didn't mean to say consumed in the back seat of the car, I meant conceived. Sorry for the error.

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Kelly,
I said she was my favorite "physcologist", not that I am a patient. She is a friend of mine, who also happens to be a natural mother. You seem to leap to to a lot of conclusions, erroneous it would seem. When making assumptions, you are succeptible to the possibilty of making an ass of u and me.

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Now everyone, I just want you to see that even after explaining myself and being honest and saying that yes these women have gone through alot and all of that, at 12:54am naturalmom is still bashing me, even after I stated over and over that I do feel for the women that have to give up children. Does she dislike me that much that she is continuing on a subject that is over and done. I have seen throughout the short time that I have been here that people just like to argue, it is not a question of birthmoms anymore, now naturalmom has decided that she is going to go off about something else. I am sorry to all of you who had to be subjected to not only my words, but these natual born "fighters"/ Kim was right about one thing, it is not even worth it to try to talk to someone on the other side of the argument, if that person is not willing to listen to your side. I will not subject myself to this anymore and I will not let NaturalMom take it out on me that she had to give up her child 38 years ago. And I think that there is nothing wrong with seeing a Psychologist, in fact, it is a good thing for people that need help in dealing with trauma. You don't have to deny it, I never said it was a bad thing, I simply said that I thought that you should see one and that if you didn't want anyone to know you should not have said anything. No matter what anyone says or thinks I will bring home my daughter and that is it, you may not like it, you may call me a bad person because I am helping a child, that is ok, because that is what makes the world go round. You are not a bad person NaturalMom just not willing to listen to other side because you have been through something terrible, but that is understandable. I don't need to go to "google" as you stated to see that adoption agencies are making a lot of money, if you say that it is and you feel that in the year 2005 there are still agencies that don't help mothers in need, then ok. I personally know of 5 non profit organizations in my town and one other that help young, single moms with clothes and guidance, I don't know a single adoption agency in my County or the two others surrounding me, I had to travel to the NYC for Children's Hope International for my adoption. So in short the 20 miles that are surrounding me there are 5 programs for young pregnant moms in need and no Adoption Agencies with in 100 miles and the closest one is International Adoption, not domestic. Social Workers for the most part are good people, maybe influential to the point of pushy, but none the less good people. Not all are out to get you, most of them go in to the field to help because quite frankly, and I can only go by the people that I know, the pay isn't that great. So as in anything there are good people and bad. I know that during this adoption process, I have been probed, counselled, judged and invaded by Doctors, Social Workers, Agencies, you name it because I cannot have children of my own, not because I took Birth Control pills for too long (as someone stated) or that I waited too long to have children ( I am only 33), but because I am on Medication that I can't go off and for the child's sake, I do not want her/ him to have problems because of that. Not all of us can have children, but we still feel the same desires of the women fortunate enough to have them. Just like you have a connection with a child that is within your body and most of us are able to have children at 12, 13, 14 etc. because that is how we were made, I still feel the need to nurture, it is within me. But unfortunately I cannot, and if I did there would be enough complications that I may not survive. Unfortunately there are many children that go from Foster Care to Foster Care with no permanent home, but because I live in the US and there is alot of stigma to domestic adoption, I will go somewhere else where maybe the general public will be Ok with the fact that I am adopting a child. Well I learned alot and I was willing to stop and listen to both sides and there is no right answer, I will not write anymore in this and I wish all of you good luck in your life whether you have gone through a pregnancy and delivered a child or cannot go through a pregnancy and adopt a child, you are all in my hearts. Thanks for letting me share. God Bless all of you.

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To Kelly:
The experience of nurturing a life within your body and bringing a living being forth into the world does indeed make a woman a mother. There is no such thing as a person who "just delivered a baby," except in such cases as the brain dead woman who is being kept alive until her baby can live in the outside world. Yes, mothers need to think about the downside of raising children, but more importantly, they need the older generation of mothers to offer help while they learn how to do it, and the adoption agencies need to think about the downside of life without the baby for a woman who has just experienced the miracle of creating a life. Nature intended mothers to be young. That's why we can get pregnant at 14 or 15. Young women grow into the job as they become more deeply involved with their babies, and they need support and encouragement, not shaming and blaming. And they certainly don't need people like you around disparaging them.

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Kelly,

When you to chose to tell someone she needed a psychologist because you felt she needed help and presented only your view of a situation, and then went on to proceed to attack those who you perceived to be mothers and therefore fair game -- good subjects to try your "does a bond exist between mother and child" test on, you went acknowledged that you purposely pushed the "buttoms" to exlicit as response.

Then you evidently realized how immature you were acting, not to mentioned that you didn't scare the women away nor make them cower, and came out with your just a test, just a game commentary still espousing only your own views throughout while lecturing others to have an open mind.

Your arrogance, audacity and self-centered immaturity did not serve you well this time.

You were the bully who came out swinging and then cried foul because you were hit back. You said you were bashed -- if being bashed is being made accountable for your words, then you are write to feel the victim here -- but I feel I must tell you that in the rest of the world, if you are going to attack someone (bash them?) then you should be prepared to receive a response.

We have absolutely no need for your approval and we definitely do not have to take abuse from a bully such as you. Your so-called apology was a rehash of Kelly's ideas -- you were going hot and heavy there talking out of both sides of your mouth.

The final stunt -- turning to the other posters as the poor innocent victim because maybe for one of the first times you had met women who were not buying into your phony apology and role playing and they were not going to cut you the slack you think you deserve, you were not getting to run your mouth indiscriminantly -- I think you owe the posters who jumped in trying to defend you an apology. They didn't know you were playing some stupid baiting game, so you set them up also.

Bit of advice, stay in your insulated world -- you are not ready to deal with the real one that isn't filled with people willing to cut you slack everytime you want to act out.

You feel that every natural mother is anti-adoption, anti-adoptive parents -- this is definitely not a true. But, people like you who treat every natural mother as the proven enemy, a threat are the ones that feed the tension.

I often wonder if adoptive parents/prospective adoptive parents ever stop to think that what they are writing may well be read by the mother of the child now/or will be filling their nurseries.

In your case of course you are free to make any degrading comments you like because you are adopting from outside the States. Cal

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John said: And if you feel so passionately about these issues that this is still happening today, then why don't you do something about it, instead of writing in this blog. Just get out there and try to stop it, write letters, do what you have to do. From the way that it looks here it is a crime to do what you are saying Social Workers and Adoption Agencies do, they should be punished.

I am doing exactly that John. I am committed to bringing this type of *genocide* if you will, to the public's attention. Natural Mothers in Australia actually received an apology from their government when these same coercive tactics used for years came to light. The public had no idea and defended the mothers rightto be recognized for the hurt they had endured. Google it. Research it. You'll see I am correct. But, part of educating the public is to come to blogs like this in defense of other mothers who have suffered. when I read Kim's story and saw the abusive treatment she was receiving, I felt the need to step up to the plate in her defense.
I can assure you that I do alot of other work and write lots of letters to legislators to bring the treatment that many of us received to light. At least you are acknowledging that it was a crime. I thank you for that.

Carol

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To those of you who continue to use the word "natural" to describe birth moms: In case you need it spelled out, by using "natural," you are setting up adoptive moms as "unnatural." I am just as much a "natural" mom as any mother, and I won't let backwards thinking dictate how I think of myself. My desire to be a mother is just as "natural" as anyone else's, and I'd venture to say it's probably even more than most women's. To put it into perspective: I feel the same way about the term "natural mother" as you might about "genetic donor." I certainly wouldn't call my daughter's birthmom that.

It sounds to me like there are a lot of bitter people here who have made mistakes with their lives and now feel the need to denigrate the adoption process. I won't go into why I am adopting, but let me say this: the bashing of adoptive moms here is disgusting. Saying that they have STDs, waited too long to have kids, or the like is demeaning and hurtful--and just not true. Mudslinging and insulting on both sides only, in the end, hurts our kids. Birth mothers and adoptive mothers need to come together and have a mutual respect for what each does.

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I have never in my life read such things. Kelly I applaud you, you presented an argument you brought up points to share, you indeed agreed at the end that yes you learned some. I didn't see one person answering any of the points that she brought up. It is all about an argument. I am 40 years old and was raised by a single mom, who is only 15 years my senior. She didn't give me up and boy I wish she had. I can tell you on the flip side of things that I had a life of hell. My mother was young, she got kicked out of the house, she was in a "group home" as far as I know; noone ever gave her the idea that she should give me up, she had me and I moved from one apartment to the other, lived with men that I can't even tell you about and had a horrible child hood. Do you think that I am the exception? There is nothing wrong with solid advice from someone, if mom had listened it would have been better for both of us. All I got out of her was that I ruined her life. Don't kid yourself thinking that this is a isolated incident. My friend's daughter recently found out she was pregnant, at 16, and when she went to the doctor and was sent to a clinic, and told them that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption, they said that she had to really think about what she was doing and that it is final and actually discouraged her. My friend wanted what was best, but being a single mom herself knew that she could not raise a baby either. She decided to keep the baby and we'll see, but they did not push her AT ALL> I think that you should really listen to what Kelly, John and Gerry had to say because they are not the fools. As a matter of fact I don't think that Kelly was swayed by what you were saying, I don't think that she was cowering down, I think that she made her points and realized that she could not even make a point with some of you. The Psycologist comment was explained, and you are still ranting about it. Do you even know what you are saying anymore, get a grip ladies. And did you ever stop to think about what the adopted children would think by reading some of your comments, they would think that they were not worthy if their Natural Moms gave them up.

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Wow Cal, do you have your panties in a bunch or what? When I read Kelly's comments they were nothing like you said. Do you have a line that you say to everyone that has adopted, she never once said that every birthmother is bad, where did you get that? I want Kelly on my side, she is really the one that is making sense here, not some lunatic like Cal who is saying things that are not even true. Talk about therapy, you need it honey.

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This is to Cal6703

Are you a Scientologist by any chance because your rantings kind of sound like Tom Cruise, babbling with out giving anyone a chance to give their side. You need to go back to the cave in which you crawled out of.

way to go Melissa

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