Doulas: Perhaps not for everyone

AJ, you are in every comment about every subject. Who really gave birth you or your wife?

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A doula doesn't exist simply to be a birth partner. Doulas are trained to make the birthing process go easier for the mother. It's possible to have a midwife AND a doula AND a supporting husband who is assisting with the labor.

Was this particular doula a bad match for them? No doubt. Are all doulas like the one they interviewed? Not by a mile.

When my wife suggested a doula, my response was, "Yes, by all means. I've never birthed a baby before." A mom and dad going it alone is like reading a book on how to ride a bicycle.

Can you still birth your baby without a doula? Yeah, the baby is coming no matter what you do, and you have an OB doctor or midwife to take care of the essentials. Can you still have a beautiful experience without a doula? Yeah... but having not experienced childbirth firsthand, you have no frame of reference to know how much better it could be with an experienced expert.

As it turned out, we used a friend who had several children, with and without doulas. We had a 36 hour labor. It was exceedingly useful to have the ability to nap for a couple hours so that I was at my best in providing support. And the other mother was in tune with specific needs and techniques that I'd never get from a book, and my (knowledgeable OB nurse wife) simply wasn't thinking to suggest as the pain pierced her being.

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I’ve been internally debating whether to comment, as I am usually a fan of your opinions as well as your blog. But I have to step up on this one. I did not use a doula or a birthing center, but if anyone ever indeed needed a doula, it was a woman with a partner as immature and insecure as this kid.

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Agreed, AJ. Our doula - a good family friend - provided excellent support for my wife.

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Whoa, Michelle. You might not share the same taste and sense of humor as my husband, but c'mon -- did you read my post? Obviously he can't be as bad as you want to think he is -- he was a fantastic birth partner. It's okay if you just don't think he's funny, but you don't have the right to use his post to conclude that no one ever needed a doula as much me -- a "woman with a partner as immature and insecure as this kid."

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I don't know about a "right" to make conclusions, but this is the pesky thing about personal blogging. When you put it out there, people will judge you. And when his message is titled, "a post against slavery" you can pretty much guarantee a negative response from people who have used doulas. I had the same initial reaction as Michelle, but was more tactful in my response. (But hey, sometimes it feels great to express exactly how you feel.)

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Don't worry about her, Wood. At my age, being called a kid is just about the nicest thing anyone can do to me. Thanks Michelle! Maybe this will really be my lucky day and I'll get ID'd at Trader Joes while buying a nice $3.99 bottle of pinot grigio.

In response to AJ, thank you for being tactful. But I don't think this doula was a "bad match." I think she was a great match. We were just the kind of couple for whom a doula would have been completely wrong.

I think if Michelle had wanted to make a valid criticism of me rather than an ad hominem attack, she could have pointed out that I did not support my wife before the birth in her desire for a doula and that I did not allow us to come together with a consensus about what we both wanted.

We're not too many generations away from when "mature, secure" men sat in little rooms smoking cigars after their unconscious wives had babies extracted from them. I think that having this argument just shows how much obstetric philosophy has advanced since then. I read Ina May's book cover to cover. I read a half dozen other books. I took an extremely active and cerebral interest in this birth. I was there for every second. I didn't flinch for a second when ribbons of blood cascaded from my wife's vagina, or when she drove her nails into my body from the intense pain that cycled through her entire body. I did what I had to do for her. Any other husband would. This was the most intense, private experience of my life. Sure a doula would have been able to help my wife. Her knowledge, experience, and ability to fight the nurses and doctors would have given my wife the ability to have the natural childbirth she wanted. But because I am the person I am, it would have sent me to sidelines. I would have let her prevent me from being the kind of supportive husband I wanted to be. I know it's not supposed to be about "me," but I worked damn hard to make sure my wife and I both had the exact kind of birth experience we both wanted. I did what I had to do to keep her off the drugs. We just didn't need the hired hand.

I think the reason Stefania chose to share my post on this website is because it defied the conventional wisdom that doulas are absolutely necessary to have a good modern alternative birth experience. As she suggests, maybe doulas aren't for everybody.

Do I believe no one should use doulas? Absolutely not. Do I believe doulas are a good thing? Absolutely. Hiring a doula just didn't make sense for us. For anyone who is offended by my post, I understand. I would be offended if I had used a doula and read some shit like that. I would be offended if I was a hippy or a new age spiritualist or an aura cleanser or the kind of person who wears those little Africa hats or lives in San Francisco's Mission District. I use offensiveness to start a dialogue, to present another point of view. And I don't mind being called names. It comes with the territory.

If you go back and read my post, my wife's post, and some of the comments left there, I think it's pretty clear what I'm actually saying: Doulas are a good thing. The entrenched medical establishment still treats birth like an injury rather than a natural experience. Not everyone wants to read seven books on natural childbirth and give their wives birth canal massages for months and sweat their asses off to make sure their wife makes it through the agony of pushing a kid through there without an epidural or drugs. That's cool and I don't want to say everyone should want to do that. But I wanted to do it, and because of that, we didn't need a doula. Other people do, and thank God there are doulas out there for them.

Do I have a problem with hippy-dippy doulas? Yes. I would have a problem with a Doula who read from the bible, too, we just don't get those doulas in the bay area. Do I have a problem with OBs and nurses who rely on drugs to keep the hospitals quiet and the patients sedate? Yes.

I am immature and insecure. I am intolerant and difficult to get along with. But I am so in love with my wife I would have done anything for her that day. And as the most tired, cliched line in the world goes: that was the best fucking day of my life.

Michelle, how dare you have the audacity to suggest that it should have been any different?

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Great comments here - and excellent follow-up, Dutch. Thanks!

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Thanks Jay. I didn't want to be too hard on Michelle--she is certainly entitled to her opinion--but I felt the need to defend myself there.

I would like to hear from an actual doula about this, candidly, particularly if they have any experiences working with hostile husbands/partners and if (and how) they were able to overcome the hostility, or I'd like to hear what they have to say about what role they feel spirituality plays in this experience, i.e. some religious people find it hard to behave secularly (even if their jobs demand it), and I wonder if it's just that some doulas find it difficult to do their jobs without expressing or relying on some of the fundamental elements of their spirituality.

I never really intended to piss off everybody who used a doula (and AJ, the title "a post against slavery" was tongue-in-cheek, and hardly serious) after all, we came very close to using one ourselves.

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Dutch, my brother's wife was my doula with my second son, and my husband was just as anti-doula as you during our first pregnancy and in discussions with my sister-in-law, who we both loved, immediately after our first son's birth. I ended up with pitocin, an epidural, and a c-section after pushing for two hours. I wanted so badly to have a different experience, so my SIL and I managed to convince my husband that she could perform as my doula. My husband went from hostility to grudging acceptance and, after my birth, whole-hearted love of the doula. I had a very long labor which went exactly as my first, except this time: no pain medication. It was terrifically painful and I needed my SIL-doula, my OB, another friend, my mom and my husband all present to make it through.

So how did my husband become a convert? Through lots of information, lots of long discussions about everyone's role in the birth, and most of all, liking the person before the doula.

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