Blogging Baby Talks: an Adoption Month interview with Cubbiegirl

Cubbiegirl is a 27-year-old veteran with a lot of love to give: for the Chicago Cubs (of course), her boyfriend, Geo, and especially for her nine-year-old daughter, Bugaboo. Cubbiegirl has wanted to be a mother for a long time, and, for a variety of reasons, decided that foster care adoption was the way she would become a mother. She's blogged about the first time she met Bugaboo, the ups and downs of foster placements, and why she feels people shouldn't call her altruistic for adopting her daughter. She's already introduced her daughter to another love, musical theater, and taken on the role of the embarrassing mother who runs through the neighborhood in a state of undress. On Tuesday, Cubbiegirl will be adopting Bugaboo.

When did you start blogging?

I started blogging in 2001. I had a livejournal and no one read it except a few of my friends/family.

Why did you start blogging?

I'm not really sure why I started blogging back then. I started blogging heavily when I started up the foster/adopt process again because I needed an outlet for my feelings. The process was very stressful to me and I needed some way to release that. Also, the blog served as a way to notify my friends/family as to what was going on without having to tell each person individually.

Which blogs did you first start reading?

In the beginning, I just read the blogs of my brother and a few friends. I'm not sure I even knew the term blog back then. When I started reading again, I looked for blogs dealing with foster care adoption (there are not many), and then any form of adoption, and I also read infertility blogs. And if someone leaves a comment on my blog, I'll check their blog out and add it to my bloglines. I have over 150 blogs I monitor now. I know very few people in the "real" world that deal with the same things I do, but I am blessed with a community of people in the online world. It makes you feel less alone in the world.

Will you ever show your daughter your blog?

Bug knows that I have a "website where Mommy writes to her friends." When she first came home, some blog readers sent me gifts and I had to explain it somehow. I'm not sure if I would ever show her...a lot of the blog is venting and discussing feelings and I'm sure every parent has feelings about their kids that they don't share. I would rather hear from my mom that she loves me, instead of that I made her pull out her hair.

Do your family/friends know about your blog?

Yes, everyone knows about my blog. My mom and dad comment frequently. Sometimes my mom will call me to ask if I am upset when she reads something on my blog. I think sometimes they learn TOO much by reading it, but I try not censor even though I know they are reading.

Will you stop blogging at some point?

I'm really not sure. As long as I feel it is helping me and I'm getting something out of it, then I'll continue.

What things won't you blog about?

I do not blog about Bug's past, except in very general terms. I would never blog any information about her birthparents. To me, there is a very big difference in saying that Bug came from an abusive home than to explain the details of her story. It's her story. You'd be surprised how many people ask me, in the grocery store, etc. But that is Bug's story. I also don't blog much about my sex life, because my parents are reading!

Why foster adopt?

I wanted to be a mom, plain and simple. Foster/adopt did not restrict against single mothers or religion. It was free. It was the best fit for my circumstances at the time.

Do you think you face different challenges from other parents?

Other parents of biological children? I think that the biggest challenges I face come from the fact that I missed nine years of Bug's life. That causes a lot of problems, in terms of behaviors, schooling. She was a stranger to me when I became her mom, and I had no time to just "bond" with her before we started living together. It is still a struggle sometimes to attach to her. Not to love her, but to feel truly attached to her. I also struggle with knowing whether a particular behavior is adoption related or just a normal nine year old thing. I have nothing to compare it to. There are just other things that are small things...but like I am missing a lot of her medical history. And she has no pictures or anything from before she was five years old. That is something that is hurtful to both of us and I'm sure will continue to challenge her as she gets older.

Are you willing to foster again? What are the conditions under which you'd foster again?

Yes, I'd foster again. (Although right now Geo and I are trying to find a place so we can all three live together and at that point I can't foster until he gets licensed.) I think whenever you have one child already, you have to consider how an additional child would impact her. For instance, I was recently called to take 8 year old twin boys, and I turned it down because Bug is starting to talk about boys a lot and I didn't think it would be good. I would take a much younger child a lot easier at this point. Bug would very much like to have a sibling, although at this point I am undecided as to whether I will have another child. And if so, I'm not sure what route I will take to have that child..adoption..foster..biological.

Are you the mom you thought you'd be? Are you breaking any of those "I'd never do xyz" rules you made before you were a parent?

I'm not nearly as good of a mom as I thought I'd be. I thought I'd be like super mom all the time. I'm not nearly as patient as I thought I'd be...although I'm not a patient person in general. I don't think I'm doing a bad job though. I think I thought it wouldn't be this hard, especially when Bug has behavior problems. However, I've read over and over again other Mom's saying that they didn't think it would be this hard either. So that's good.

I'm not sure that I had any type of xyz rules that I made. There are a lot of things that come up that I never thought of and I have to make it up as I go along. One thing that I did break was that when Bug first came home, I was hung up on everything being new and perfect for her. Then I saw how rough she treated things and how she loved the thrift stores. Now I'll buy her sweaters from the thrift store instead of the department store. I don't know what I was thinking with that one.
How does Geo feel about the foster/adoption process?

[...] I think he was really skeptical at first. He had no idea what kind of child would come home, how it would change me and my life and by extension our relationship. It was something I was doing on my own, while at the same time having a relationship with him. Since Bug has come home, he has been very supportive. He has encouraged me when they've called with other foster child placements and he has supported me when the kids left. He is great with Bug. She loves him a lot. I'm very lucky in the sense that while I'm a "single parent", I do have someone there that offers support and help. I think he's wonderful.

Is there anything you wish you'd known before that you know now? Any resources you'd recommend to someone considering adoption?

I felt very prepared coming into this adoption. I read a lot. I joined online groups. There are so many great resources out there. I recommend that anyone do as much studying as you can, even if you think that you don't need it. I really like the "Love and Logic" series of books.