What's the best way to politely tell off someone who keeps getting your kid's gender wrong?

by J.D. Griffioen (Subscribe to J.D. Griffioen's posts) Jan 10th 2006 11:00AM

Look, most babies are bald. They don't have boobs or beards. They depend on you to follow a rigid orthodoxy of color and clothing style in order to establish their gender to the outside world. But my wife and I don't buy into any of that crap, so usually we dress our daughter Juniper in boyish t-shirts and osh-kosh b'gosh farmer's overalls. We don't care when people tell us we have a very cute little boy. We have some stock answers ready for when we receive such a compliment:

"Thank you very much. When she's a butch teenage lesbian we'll tell her you thought so."

"Eh, she's alright."

Okay, I've never said either of those things. Usually we just get the innocuous "How old is he?" to which I respond, "Oh, SHE's eleven months, but don't worry about the gender thing. We understand, this is just how we dress her." I never get offended when she's wearing jeans or something like that. I understand the Carter's set can't understand why we don't dress her in pink frilly dresses all time. I'm totally cool with it. But the other day I put her in a pink frilly dress and a long red-and-pink girly coat with flower embroidery and I swear a half a dozen people still asked me about my son. And not just old Chinese ladies accustomed to ungendered pronouns in a patriarchal society. I mean everybody. I'm so used to apologizing for the way I dress her, I've never actually felt the tinge of anger when someone persists in calling my little girl in a dress by a male pronoun long after they've been corrected. Are there some people who just call all babies "he" out of habit? What's the best way to handle it?

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Comments (17)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Ann Adams 1-10-2006 @ 11:15AM

My youngest son had one of those Gerber faces as a baby and was constantly being called "she". Isn't "she" beautiful? "Yes, thank you, but she's a he". Smiling.

These days I don't use any pronoun at all. I just say Oh, how adorable. I often can't tell. Boys are beautiful as babies too.

I don't understand why they think you'd put a little boy in a pink outfit (although we have no problem with little girls in blue jeans - strange). I'd just continue smiling, say thank you but "he's" a she and let it go. I accept the compliment for what it is and forgive the gender slip.

Christina 1-10-2006 @ 11:31AM

We have people calling Cordelia a boy all the time. One reason is probably because I try to avoid pink, although it's hard when so many people bought us pink clothing even after we insisted no pink. I generally prefer to put her in red, black, or purple.

The other reason is because she's a large child. For some reason, many people see a big, solid-built child and think it's a boy. I have a friend with a petite, thin boy that everyone thinks is a girl. So I guess it goes both ways.

The best way to handle it is to correct them, but forgive the slip up and accept the compliment. Or just dress her in a shirt that says "I'm a girl, dammit." But even then people would still call her a boy, I'm sure.

Adorable outfit on her, by the way! I love that coat!

Ethel 1-10-2006 @ 11:37AM

Same thing as Ann for our little monkey. He is just 1 year and despite wearing roughly male gender clothes there is quite a bit of confusion to his sex. Oh well, I figure babies are babies until they decide to take a stand on self identity. As for folks who get it confused, I let it ride unless they are people that matter - like family, church members, classmates, etc, who would be embarrassed if they were allowed to think he was a girl. Besides, I am sure at some point he will making it quite clear what he is.

Uncle Roger 1-10-2006 @ 1:24PM

Our Jared was like that... I'm told he has big beautiful eyes with really long lashes. "Those eyes are wasted on a boy" -- we've been told that. (I wanted to ask should we pry them out and give them to some girl that got stuck with boy eyes?) I don't worry about it. Gender is such a non-issue.

I do try to avoid pink for my daughter and try to dress her in more boyish clothes, but I'm outnumbered by my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and even my wife (who has turned into such a *girl* since having a daughter!)

Anyway, hanging out with a lot of philippinas, I'm used to the whole he/she mixup thing, so it doesn't bother me.

Besides, for the first few months, they all look like frogs anyway.

Elizabeth 1-10-2006 @ 1:35PM

If someone asks us, "how old is he?", I usually just say "she's almost two," and wait to see if they pick up the hint (usually not). Often the next question is "what's his name?", and I usually get a stammered apology when I answer "Dorothy". One advantage of a very gendered name, I guess.

Dayna 1-10-2006 @ 1:47PM

We've been getting the same thing since birth. As much as I don't buy into this gender labelling our society seems to have such a pink frilly need for, it still bothers me sometimes. Call me protective, I guess.

But my daughter is almost FOUR.

I never want a girly girl my daughter chooses to wear comfortable clothes that she can play in. But even yesterday when I dropped her off at school, late -- hers was the last name unchecked on the list, and the new teacher began asking about my "son".

I don't think it has much to do with "unsoftened" features, jeans or bald heads, I think that some people are just lazy and don't look people in the eye or even care they just generalize and respond.

And here I thought it didn't really bother me.

Oops.

tanyetta 1-10-2006 @ 2:43PM

My son is 14 months and LOOKs like a boy. I still get SHE's so cute!

Tiffany 1-10-2006 @ 2:50PM

I have 2 girls, and despite dressing them both in pink all the time as infants, I still have gotten lots of "he's so cute." I think it just has to do with people's tendency to use "he" all the time. I would go off on a whole feminist rant here, but my best friend has 2 boys and complains that people always say to her, "she's so cute" despite the train suits and blue they wear. :) If you find a great answer, let me know.

ivory 1-10-2006 @ 4:19PM

while my month old daughter has such a girly face no one has mistook her for a boy (yet, despite the fact that i err on the side of NOT PINK), my 5 year old nephew is called "she" all the time. He is the most beautiful red curls that he refuses to cut because they are "cool", so of course people assume he is a girl. I am actually really proud of my sister, for giving her son the independance and choice over his own body, and also for the grace with witch she hadles the gender confusion, and also what she has taught him to say. "Thank you, but I am a boy. Girls can have short hair, right?"

sarah gilbert 1-10-2006 @ 6:58PM

I get this all the time, too - I tend to go with something simple, like, "Truman, say hi to the nice lady!" (I don't think there are any little girls named "Truman"), or, "thanks, HIS name is Truman" or "HE loves people!" (as he grins excitedly at the stranger).

If I'm tired or don't think I'll see the person ever again, I just let it go. It seems as if half of the human population is hard-wired to guess a child's gender incorrectly. I've been on a one-woman campaign to change the world by NEVER guessing a gender, or, just point-blank asking, "is your baby a little boy?" At least that way, if you're wrong, the unfortunate parent doesn't have to decide whether or not to correct you...

Stefania Butler 1-10-2006 @ 7:02PM

Imagine having a girl named "Wallie." Our exchanges go something like this:

How old is he?

SHE's 16 mo.

What's her name?

Wallie.

(puzzlement...and the person walks away completely flummoxed.)

And don't worry. When Juniper is three and tutu-deep in the princess/ballerina/fairy phase that you did absolutely nothing to encourage, people will get her gender right.

Maryanne 1-10-2006 @ 8:27PM

I used to put my daughter in my nephew's hand-me-downs. Many people were confused, but I didn't care. Anyone who needs to know my baby's gender already knows.

Beside, dark blue and dark green boys clothes hide stains better than pink or lavender girls clothes.

P.Gardiner 1-10-2006 @ 11:48PM

My husband and I would joke about this all the time, our girl would be dressed neutral or boyish and we'd call her Joshua. We had a woman ask once about gender, we said 'she's a girl' and she continued to say how big & healthy HE was. Sheesh, you can't win.

eden 1-11-2006 @ 8:38PM

We used a lot of pink on our bald girl, even pink pacifiers, blankets, etc. just b/c i like pink and it looks good on her. People still used "he" if they felt the need to use a pronoun. We got used to it and just made the correction on the reply. "Oh he's adorable" "Thanks. We think she is too."

Then last week we were out w/ our weeks-old son, who was wearing a blue snowsuit and a blue hat and the cashier looked at him (long lashes, like the previous commenter said) and said, "And how old is she?" "He's two weeks," my husband said and the woman behind me said, "She? Didn't all the blue tip her off?" and we chuckled.

Melody 1-12-2006 @ 7:00AM

Okay, so perhaps this makes me evil...but when my youngest girl was about 3 months old, I had dressed her up to have her pictures made, and gotten her ears pierced too...cute little red outfit, earrings in her ears and a BOW in her hair. We're in the babies clothes, and a lady says to me..."OH, he's so cute."

I replied, "SHE is, isn't she?" The lady then says, "Oh, it's always so hard to tell boys from girls when they're that little." (Now for my evil comment) and I replied, "I could see how someone could get confused, what with the bow AND earrings"

I mean, honestly, the powers of observation are not being used by less than intelligent individuals on a good day, so unfortunately we can't expect them to be used on a day when you have given them half a dozen visual clues...so sorry. When my youngest girl was littler, and harder to distinguish, I would always fix her hair and put a bow in it...that seemed to work, unless I really wanted her to look like a girl. Personally, I don't think it's a slip, I think people do it just to be irritating and piss ya off...jmho...she is a total cutie pie, btw.

Kate 1-12-2006 @ 4:08PM

My worst was the doctor we saw for Morgan's two-month checkup kept calling her a HE! I know she has a unisex name and she's only wearing a diaper but would it kill you to GLANCE at the medical record you are holding??? We kept saying "she" pointedly, but the doc didn't get the hint. She figured out her mistake once she checked inside the diaper. We didn't go back to that doctor.

Beth 1-12-2006 @ 4:56PM

Maryanne: What do you mean dark blue and dark green hide stains better? Most of my son Tom's stains are spit-up, which is bright white and stands out violently on all of his navy blue clothes. If there3 is some color that can hide all of the following: Spit-up, sweet potatoes, and green beans, i'd love to know what it is.

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