Parent rant: Bringing your kids - and your laptop - to the park? Come on!

by Charlene Prince Birkeland (Subscribe to Charlene Prince Birkeland's posts) Jan 23rd 2006 5:02PM

Something I rant about often on my blog is cell phone madness - parents who use their cell phones at the park instead of playing with their kids. And by kids, I'm talking the under-5 age range. I've seen dads brushing toddlers off for business calls. Nannies chatting away endlessly while the little ones they're supposed to be supervising just sit in the sand waiting, waiting, waiting for someone to play with them. It drives me crazy. Why torment your kid by bringing him or her to the park to play - and then, not!!

But this weekend I saw something that wins the prize for "unclear on the concept of spending time with your kids at the park." A mom sitting on the park bench tapping away on her laptop. Oh, and she had her two sons with her - the oldest was about four and the youngest, maybe three years old. They both would play for a few minutes, then go to their mom and stare at her. She'd tell them to go back to playing. Would it have killed her to take 10 minutes to put her laptop down and hang out with them? Because that probably would have been enough to make them happy.

Maybe I'm just a goofball because I actually enjoy running around chasing after my son and going down the slide. I look forward to trips to the park as time to focus on just him - no distractions. I know, I know, sometimes when you're at the park it's the only time you get to talk on the phone with your peeps. Or you have a deadline that you have to meet. But if little Sally is sitting right next staring into space, couldn't you have done that at home? Or does it somehow make you feel better because they're outside?

Has the concept of bringing your kids to the park and actually playing with them been lost?

Comments (25)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Bonnie 3-25-2006 @ 2:25PM

Ok, I'm a bit late in seeing this but I can relate. In one of my first positions as a Nanny I had a 1 1/2 yr. old little boy. I was his constant playmate because thats what I thought nannies were supposed to do. In the park or playground I was by his side, pushing him on the swing, catching him at the bottom of the slide, right next to him in the sandbox. Even if other children were present.

By the time he was three he didn't interact well with other children at all prefering to play with me. Is that healthy? Of course not. After that in other positions I've had, I gave children the space to be independent and to interact with their peers. If they were four and they wanted to be pushed on the swings, I would teach them how to pump their legs so they didn't need to be pushed. This didn't mean that I never pushed them, just that they didn't rely on someone to do it for them. A nanny isn't a giant toy your child can direct to their will. She's a paid professional whos there to insure your childrens safety and wellbeing. Sometimes whats best for the child isn't interaction and playing with the nanny or parent. That doesn't mean we didn't play, of course we did. My caregiver didn't play with me when I was a child. She showed me where the toys were and encouraged me to use my imagination. I'll happily set up a tent in the garden for my charges to play with but then let them get to it. It's far more important that they draw from their own imagination as well as learn to interact with their peers than rely on my imagination all the time. And for the record I almost never let my charges watch television either. I know they'll watch some with their parents on the weekends and I don't begrudge the parents that bit of peace, but I do feel they aren't paying me to sit their children in front of a television. It's easy to be judgemental, I've certainly been in the past especially with regards to this topic, but being judgemental doesn't mean your right.

MelissaS 1-23-2006 @ 3:23PM

I have a different perspective. I'm not my kid's playmate. My parents didn't play with us. My husband is the playmate type person in our family and God forbid something happen to him because I'd have to play his role and I'm not good at playing.

They're a little older than toddlers, (4 and 7) but not much. This is the first year I brought my laptop to the park, but it was also the first summer I was being paid to write.

I used to bring a book and a blanket and just observe my kids. Of course if they didn't play, then we'd go home.

I figure if I'm working out of the house and they're bored...they can play while I get work done and that's better than sitting around the house bored.

Admittedly this plan would not have worked when they were 2 and under...maybe even 3 and under.

sarah gilbert 1-23-2006 @ 4:08PM

yeah, that's a tough one for me, too. in the summer I go to the park once a week without anything to do - I just hang out with the kids. but if I was to go to the park every day with them, inevitably, I'd be tapping my fingers, wishing for something to DO already.

that said, if a kid three or under, it's a really bad idea not to watch him (speaking from experience of having LOST my son at a park, here). even if you're not playing with him... when I was heavily pregnant I'd just sit on the bench and watch as he played with the other kids.

still, if it's a nanny: totally unacceptable. playing with the kids IS her job. no deadlines, no excuses. get into that sandbox lady!

MelissaS 1-23-2006 @ 4:21PM

It also depends on the kid, because my kids are ridiculously scared of walking away from me. Our parks are relatively small and I can see them on all the equipment. If I don't see them for a minute I stand up and look.

I also agree, if I was paying a nanny to watch my kids, I'd want her to do that, not chat on the phone or use a laptop.

christy 1-23-2006 @ 5:22PM

I think this is a classic example of not understanding an individuals situation before passing judgment.

I know that at home if I even get withing 3 feet of my computer at home some sort of silent alert goes off in my kids brains that makes them want to climb on to my head. The only time I can get on the computer is if they are entertained somehow. If I had a laptop and a nearby park, you can bet your butt I would at least occasionally use it.

My point is, you may see the point of bringing your kids to the park as playing with them, but for a mom that may well have been playing with her kids all day, a trip to the park may be her only "break."

Mike 1-23-2006 @ 5:26PM

For me the issue isn't whether or not the parent is playing with the kid(s) or not. If she (or he) is zoned into the laptop, she is not paying attention to where her kid(s) are, what they are doing, and � more importantly � who else is around. I'm not just talking about someone snatching the kid � kids can wander off and get lost. Every year, there are many stories of both kinds � and too often, it ends tragically.

dlbs 1-23-2006 @ 5:40PM

When I take my kids to the park, it's so they can play with other kids. If there aren't any other kids to play with (we usually only go when we are meeting friends), then I would spend sometime playing with them. If they're friends are there, I generally don't get into the sand or on the equipment unless they need grown-up help.
I don't have a job, so I wouldn't have a legitimate need to bring a laptop. I've been known to talk on my cell phone, but not carry on lengthly conversations. With that said, I would hang up in a heartbeat to play with my child if they had no one else to play with.
I also think that being on the computer is a bad idea. If a parent is working on their laptop, they cannot keep track of their child(ren) very effectively. You may get lucky and they won't get hurt or wonder off, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be watching them more closely.

MelissaS 1-23-2006 @ 5:53PM

I assure you I never zone on my laptop. In fact as I type this I am writing something for this site, cooking dinner and helping my daughter do her homework.

Pass whatever judgement you will, but I feel perfectly safe letting my children play while I work. I'm as distracted/aware when I let the kids play while I chat with other moms.

Elbee 1-23-2006 @ 6:03PM

Have a little pity for the poor guy on his cell phone at the park. In my experience, the vast majority of cell phone users (at least where I work, in New York City) are FORCED to be available at all times, including weekends and evenings. Most likely the cell phone user you're criticizing had every intention to spend time with his kids; that is, until his boss/client called up to discuss the latest deal/crisis/pointless demand for attention. I got out of working for a law firm precisely because I had no time of my own... I pity those who find themselves in that position now.

charlene 1-23-2006 @ 7:08PM

wow - i guess i really am a goofball in my thinking.

christy - i'm talking about young kids here - 1,2,3 - and these kids are alone save for the parents (and us if we're at the park). if you have older kids, as in melissa's case, it's a little bit different of a story. but i'd also hardly expect a 3 year old to be patient enough to let you get any thing done when they've got no one else to play with - and that's what i'm talking about. toddlers and preschoolers with no one to play and the mom or dad is completely occupied with the phone or laptop.

Nicola 1-23-2006 @ 8:02PM

Well, Charlene, I'm with you. I love spending time with my son at the park. There is no better way to fill an afternoon. We laugh, we run, we play, and when there are other kids to play with, I get to enjoy his interactions and the insider smiles that he throws my way when somebody does something funny. I wouldn't miss a moment of it for the world. And yes, its me playing "monster on the bridge" with the other kids who's parents are too busy chatting or typing to enjoy the beauty of these rare moments of play. Childhood is fleeting. I'll have more time than I could ever need for the adult world all too soon. For now, I stop, I play, I savour every last minute.

Uncle Roger 1-23-2006 @ 8:40PM

My 2 cents... if your kid is old enough to play without constant supervision, then yes, you don't have to be their playmate.

Otherwise, you do need to watch them. The second or two it takes to read this paragraph is more than enough time for them to run off, to get snatched, or to have some other kid throw sand in their face. We were at the playground yesterday and as I was looking at my daughter, some kid threw sand on my son. My wife saw it and told me, but had she been reading blogging baby on her laptop, she would have missed it.

With Jared being three and a half, I spent the time at the playground following him around. Not so close so as to be hovering, but close enough that I could interact if he wanted and to be there if he needed me.

Maybe others have one of those laptops with the see-through screens, but I don't -- if I'm reading something on the screen, I'm not seeing the kids. Mine aren't anywhere near being old enough to play unsupervised.

There's two issues here -- watching your kids and interacting with your kids. If your kids are old enough to play unsupervised and have friends to play with, then sure -- get some work done. On the other hand, if they're younger or alone, then yes you need to be more watchful and interactive.

Note that what passes for "old enough to play unsupervised" in some places doesn't elsewhere. My niece is 11 and at the playground we were at here in San Francisco, I would be watching her pretty closely.

As for nannies, I see this too... A bunch of nannies meet at the playground, drop the toddlers in the sand, and have a gabfest. I wouldn't stand for it. They're paid to watch and play with the kid. They hsould do it without slacking off.

lesbonstemps 1-23-2006 @ 8:44PM

I often talk on my phone when I'm with my 20-month-old daughter at the park. I play with her too, but she's perfectly happy to run around by herself most of the time, and I don't feel the need to hover over her. I think kids need to learn to play independently. Also, at the park she is happy and entertained, not crawling all over me/ crying like she does when I'm on the phone at home. It's the only way I can have conversations with my friends and family these days.

Angela 1-23-2006 @ 9:30PM

I'll admit that I will bring a book to the park, and read while pushing a kid on the swing, however, as soon as they want to slide or something else I'm right there with them- even with K who is recently Miss Independent!

However, when it comes to the cell phone- it's always with me, but I've never had a long conversation while at the park! If anything I've probably talked to one of the kids' parents or something- I can't remember a call with anyone else in a really long time.

R. 1-23-2006 @ 11:19PM

If a child is under three, or doesn't have anyone to play with, then sure, your job as a parent is to play with them at the park. But the example mentioned a three year old and a four year old. For Pete's sake --isn't one of the great advantages of having two close in age is that THEY CAN PLAY WITH EACH OTHER?

charlene 1-23-2006 @ 11:48PM

The *can* play with each other...doesn't necessarily mean they actually will. These guys were not...the youngest just wanted his mom.

christy 1-24-2006 @ 9:58AM

Nothing in the original post said anything about them not having anyone else to play with. That's a totally different story.

A post like this just makes me worry because as parents most of us are insecure about something and spend a lot of time reassuring ourselves that we aren't doing a bad job. I don't feel any better knowing that now if I am on my cell phone some mom standing next to me is thinking "Has the concept of bringing your kids to the park and actually playing with them been lost?" when she cleaerly has no idea what the specific situation is.

This is not like leaving your kids in the car to go to the mall or leaving them in the bathtub - obvious no-nos that any rational human being could find fault with, but a variance of parenting styles. I am not a hovering parent. My kids are very independent and would probably prefer that I back off. Someone else's kids may not be like that and then they probably wouldn't talk on the phone or bring their laptop. That's all.

Julia 1-24-2006 @ 10:13AM

Maybe the only way the parents can be at home
with the kids (financially), is if they work
from home.

mamaloo 1-24-2006 @ 11:03AM

In clement weather (read at least 10 C), I bring my knitting to the park. I can knit and watch my son quite easily.

Frankly, I/m put off by the parents who hover over their kids in the play area of the park. They practically stand on top of their children, walking behind them and monitoring every single move. They're over-protectiveness doesn't allow their hildren to explore their independance. (And, if you ask me, I'd rather Kieran explored his independance at the play park rather than by tearing through things he's not supposed to at home)

As soon as Kieran was old enough to walk/climb the basic areas of the play structure without assistance, that's when my role became "sit back and let him learn how to interact with his world on his own terms".

If he climbs to the top of the moneky bars and can't get back down, I'm there. If he decides he'd rather run off toward the runner's track than play on the play structure, I'm there. But he certainly doesn't need me to help him climb and run. And, frankly, it's not all that appealing to me.

My son is 32 months old.