The duality of parenthood
Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Playground Bureau
I've been following the comments on Sarah
Gilbert's post about missing parts of life before we had our children with a mix of nausea, disbelief and
understanding. Understanding because so many of the things people missed about life pre-kids, I miss too. Disbelief and nausea because so many people seemed to believe that by missing something about life before kids you were either not loving your children enough, not mature enough to accept sacrifice or a whiney, selfish baby. Maybe all three. They never missed anything! Get it together!
This is going to sound ridiculous to you, but I did not know people like that still existed. I suppose it's because the premise that parenthood is both wonderful and difficult is pretty much the entire basis of my personal website. I don't love every single thing about mothering and I love my kids with a ferocity which often scares me.I've surrounded myself with people in my life as a parent who feel similarly and so that mind set has become a given for me. The people I choose to read or meet in my online life feel pretty much the same too, so I guess I've become a little blind to the fact that this kind of judgement and inability to accept feelings as just that. Feelings.
On the bright side it means blogs like mine still have a great purpose. If there are so many people who judge people who aren't absolutely enthralled with every single moment of parenthood, it means there are parents who are still feeling horrible for not being enthralled with every single moment of every single day with the loves of their lives, their children.
To them I say: it's okay. Parenthood, like most things in life, is not an either/or situation. You can love your children and you can miss being able to go to happy hour. It takes nothing away from your quality of parenthood to accept those feelings.
Of course if you missed happy hour so much you left your baby home alone so you could enjoy it again as in your pre-kid life? Well, then we're talking about a different set of issues.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Kat 1-23-2006 @ 11:48AM
I agree with you. I had my baby young. i was 18 when i got pregnant, 19 when she was born. it was hard when my childless friends would call me up and want me to go out and i couldn't and i still have feelings like that, but one look at my child and i realize it is worth it. who would not miss being able to sleep in and use the bathroom without an audiance?
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Christina 1-23-2006 @ 12:11PM
I totally agree with you. I mean, I love my daughter with all of my heart, but there are times when I wish I could dump her with someone else and take a break (especially on her cranky days).
Of course, I love my husband very much, also, but there are times I want to go out with just the girls. Does that mean I'm not committed to my marriage? Nope, it means that I occasionally miss other parts of my life, and I enjoy a little time away.
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Meredith 1-23-2006 @ 12:28PM
I think this is one of the biggest injustices that a veteran parent can do to a new/future parent. Parenting is hard, why make it sound like a breeze?
People do this with tattoos and it drives me nuts. "It doesn't hurt at all!" - Hello! It is carved into your skin with needles...of course it hurts!
Back to the topic at hand. Could it be that possibly those people who do not miss their lives before children were miserable as a non-parent? Could it be that they are trying to convince themselves that they are blissfully happy?
I only read a handful of comments on the other thread for fear that I would feel the need to put my head in the crook of my laptop and repeatedly smack it together over and over and over. I feel that this is the reason so many new moms think there is something wrong with them and why so many other parents are searching for the reason why parenthood doesn't 'complete them'.
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Jen 1-23-2006 @ 12:43PM
A-freaking-men. What Meredith said too is spot on. Parenting is work, children are blessings, and missing things about life before kids does not a bad parent make.
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Kate 1-23-2006 @ 12:48PM
Part of the reason I like to read Blogging Baby is the diversity of viewpoints from the bloggers, but especially the commenters. Its very easy to isolate yourself on the internet and surround yourself with like-minded people. I have to make sure I don't forget that there are a lot more people and opinions out there!
As for the missing pre-kid life, I'm somewhere in the middle. My husband & I have always been homebodies who prefer a movie night in the house than fighting the crowds out on the town so having a baby didn't cramp our style too much. I do however, miss having the energy to get through a whole movie with out falling asleep on the couch!!! :-)
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StephanieS 1-23-2006 @ 1:57PM
I, too think that we owe it to each other as parents to be honest about our feelings. Even the no-so-nice ones. So many people enter parenthood with no idea of how difficult and draining it can be (we all know it's rewarding, too). It can really help to know that what your feeling is normal.
I miss a few things from my life before I was married, does that make me a bad wife?
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sarah gilbert 1-23-2006 @ 2:44PM
thanks Melissa - this is the post I almost wrote, but you did it better :) I think that parenting is a lot like marriage - so many of us think that we owe it to the world to make it seem like total complete bliss. after all, if we worked so hard to get pregnant/were so excited about the wedding, it HAS to be wonderful! right?
wrong, of course, and if more people realized how hard marriage was, they wouldn't see it as such a panacea. same with parenting. it's wonderful, but it's just HARD. and pretending that it's perfect is only going to make the real problems worse - whether those problems are internal to the parent or external to the children.
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Scott Saxon 1-23-2006 @ 4:41PM
I agree whole heartedly!
I had my first child late into my 30s and second in my early 40s. I used to fly (private pilot), ride motorcycles, do dumb stuff. Now that I have a new set of priorities, both emotional and financial it's different. I'm glad I got to do all I did as a young adult. I do miss not doing lot's of stuff, and yes there are times when I want to run away.
My kids are both my sanity and my security. I'm glad I was daring when I was younger and now most of the time I'm glad I'm DAAAAAD.
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Debra 1-24-2006 @ 1:54PM
I agree with Melissa and truly enjoy her blog. There's so much I can relate to. No one ever tells you that while parenting is wonderful, amazing, etc. it can also be lonely and boring. Most of my mom friends are surprised by the anger we feel at times - anger at our children, anger and ourselves, our partners, the world. This doesn't mean we don't absolutely adore our children, it's just the way it is.
Thanks Melissa!
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JohnC 1-24-2006 @ 2:34PM
Eh. i never had much of a life anyway.
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John 1-24-2006 @ 4:11PM
The Internet is nothing if not an infinite supply of outspoken, anonymous people who know better than you and must force their advice upon you. :-)
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EmilyB 1-24-2006 @ 7:38PM
Hear, Hear. Support and an acknowledgement of how difficult it is to be a parent are what we need - not judgmental hogwash from other parents, for crying out loud. And we certainly don't need any "help" in the guilt department.
I adore my kids. But do I miss things about my life before I had them? Absolutely.
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Meg 1-25-2006 @ 3:04PM
Those that rail against this reality are probably just repressing their own desire to go to an all-inclusive and wear a bathing suit that covers the c-sec scar.
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Amy 1-25-2006 @ 9:24PM
It was hard to admit that the first slap in the face lesson of parenting for me was the one that told me exactly how selfish I could be. I only whispered it to my husband and maybe my best friend to begin with and it took quite a few more years to truly accept it and not feel so guilty about it. You hear the saying "it's the hardest job you'll ever love" while you're pregnant, but nothing can prepare you for the fact it is 100% harder than you could have ever imagined, and at the same time the love is also 100% stronger than you ever thought you'd experience in your life. I'm Ok with that - fair enough trade.
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Lazy Wife 1-26-2006 @ 4:41PM
This is good to know as I'm becoming a mother in 4 months or so. I had heard that the TV makes a great babysitter, and I thought I could just go out drinking but maybe not. ;)
I'm already starting to feel left out of everything, and I know it's only going to get worse once the child is actually out of my womb.
There's also no sense of worth just yet since, besides getting the ultrasound and actually seeing my child, I feel like I'm just getting fat and my life is restricted. It will be nice once the baby is here so I at least have the feeling "that it's all worth it".
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lisa 1-26-2006 @ 10:28PM
Anyone who says that they don't miss ANYTHING about life pre-baby is either sadly deceiving herself or had a pretty empty life before. I'm happy to say that I had a rich life before. Richer now, but I do do miss spontaneously taking a roadtrip up the coast or sleeping in late or just drinking too much wine with a friend.
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JT 1-26-2006 @ 10:40PM
Abso-freakin'-lutely, Melissa! I adore your blog and completely mirror your point of view. I remember being largely pregnant with my first child when, at a party, a complete stranger looked at my belly, and then said snidely "sleep now, because you'll never do it again."
"Oh my G-d," I snarled. "Well, sh-t, get rid of this thing now! Because certainly I'd only have a kid if it wouldn't interfere with my own selfish desires! Hey, (DH), I changed my mind. Let's not have a baby after all."
Fer crying out loud. Very few people go into parenthood assuming their lives won't change, but there's nothing wrong with us for lamenting a few things about our lives previous to parenthood. Frankly, I've got some fond memories of living alone before I met my husband, too -- it doesn't mean I'm against marriage.
At least, not all the time. :-}
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