Blogging Baby IMs: An online conversation about adoption

by Karen Walrond (Subscribe to Karen Walrond's posts) Jan 25th 2006 9:01AM

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Last night, my sister and I were instant-messaging. Our conversation went something like this:

Sister: do you have a minute to hear my observation?
Me: uh oh... okay?
Sister: okay.
Sister: i've noticed that whenever someone tells me that they've adopted one or more of their kids, they look like they're bracing for an unpleasant reaction from me.
Sister: and when i tell them that my niece was adopted, they look visibly relieved
Me: this is me not looking surprised.
Sister: and this is the bay area for God's sake.
Sister: It's made me realize that people must be freaks!
Sister: Like it must be pretty common to hear stupid s**t from people.
Sister: more common that i realized.
Me:YES.
Sister: I'm so bummed. i thought better of people
Me: oh CHILD.
Me: *shaking head*
Sister: and so,
Sister: the minute i tell people that alex is adopted, they smile and they make eye contact, and they ask all these personal questions like why you decided to
Sister: and they tell me all this personal stuff about why they decided to,
Sister: and they practically hold my hand and invite me into their clubhouse.
Me: ("was" adopted. I'm nitpicking, but it's important. For future adoption discussions)
Me: well, yes, there IS an adoption clubhouse.
Sister: oh! good to know.
Me: (I'M SO BLOGGING THIS)
Sister: really? teehee.
Me: I actually might cut and paste this entire conversation in.
Sister: okay, i'll try not to sound like a dork from....
Sister: ...now.
Me: HAH!
Sister: anyway. that is my observation for the day.
Me: Well, thank you very much.

It never dawned on me that my fear of hearing negative feedback would register on my face when I divulged Alex's adoption. But my sister's right: I do feel palpable relief when I realize that the reaction is going to be positive, and even more so when the person to whom I've made the revelation has a story about how s/he personally was touched by adoption. And I know I'm not alone in these feelings. I'm interested, though:

Has anyone else noticed the reaction my sister describes?

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Comments (7)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

maria 1-25-2006 @ 9:41AM

My only adoption experience is that while struggling w/infertility I started to do the research. My husband's only opinion was - we want children - one way or another. I was very surprised during my infertility phase and talking w/other women how many of their husbands (including my brother) would not even consider adoption. I found it kind of surprising. Maybe b/c I can better relate to a strong desire to have a baby that I wouldn't think a man would have - but guess he'd see it as a piece of him.

But - I don't understand why people would have a negative reaction to someone else adopting. Why is that???

Andie D. 1-25-2006 @ 9:59AM

I've seen that reaction first hand. Something along the lines of, "Oh! You're adopted?" With an unsaid, "How sad."

My sister and I are open about the fact that I am adopted. We kind of have to be, since we're so very different in looks and personality.

When I was young, it hurt. As I got older, I have to admit that it became a little bit of a game with us. We liked to see what kind of reaction a person would give us, and we almost dared anyone to say something negative.

Now, it's simply just another part of who I am.

Jennifer 1-25-2006 @ 10:10AM

Oh heck yeah! And I've lived with adoption my whole life (all my siblings were adopted, and I'm only the oldest by 4 years, so it's all I can remember), to the point that it is SERIOUSLY no big deal around here. But still, when I am with my own (adopted) kids, I find myself doing that exact same thing... maybe not bracing for a bad reaction necessarily, but certainly interested when I find out someone else has an adoption connection.

Although, now that I think about it, I do recall getting practically mobbed by some poor woman with an adopted neice or nephew who was obviously desperate, I say DESPARATE, for a connection when she met me. It is sad that our society still gives us that "other" vibe, isn't it?

(And thank you again for the reminder about the "was, not is" adopted phrase. You're absolutely correct! I need to remember that when talking with AND about my kids and siblings...)

mckenna 1-25-2006 @ 1:50PM

My mom wanted to adopt and was met with a resounding 'no' from my dad. I wanted to adopt and my husband was less than enthusiastic. So here's my little amateur psycho-analysis based on the guys I've known.

First, I think guys (massive generalizations coming up here...) underestimate their bonding ability. Even while I was pregnant my husband wondered aloud to me about whether he would be able to love this kid the way everyone talks about. When you haven't experienced it, and you only have this vague picture of some baby that's going to keep you up endless nights, I guess it's hard to imagine. Needless to say (13 months later) he's absolutely infatuated with our son and rushes home to see him (and me too, I hope).

Second, I think the idea of raising "someone else's" kid has traditionally rubbed many guys the wrong way. Combine this with the first problem, and many just aren't willing to give it a chance. I think people also underestimate their ability to mesh adopted and biological children in the same family. (will we treat everyone differently, etc)

But people are coming around. I have a friend who has had two by pregnancy and plans to adopt thereafter. Her husband is thrilled...

Let me finish with I think it's beautiful (not sad) that kids and parents are able to find each other in this way. I think those who give negative feedback are more likely reflecting their own insecurities, rather than trying to be inconsiderate.

Uncle Roger 1-25-2006 @ 2:06PM

I do have some small desire to see my father's genes passed on, but mostly, genetics don't matter to me. I figure I can pass my dad's attitudes and personality on to any kid, genetically related or not.

Adoption is great. I know a woman who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. She would be okay with adoption, but her boyfriend wants a genetic child. He's an idiot, basically.

If your sister is in The Bay Area (as in SF), I understand her naivete. I too, having grown up here, am sometimes surprised by the idiocy of the rest of the country. Unfortunately, not everyone can be from here.

Laura 1-25-2006 @ 8:33PM

I wouldn't say I brace for the question, but I definitely make eye contact to see whether people's initial reaction will be positive, negative or neutral when I mention that our children were adopted.

For a brief commentary on "was adopted" vs. "is adopted," see my blog post for January 16, 06: http://adoptionblogs.typepad.com/adoption/2006/01/is_adopted_vs_w.html

Raymond Camden 1-27-2006 @ 10:18PM

Want to hear something truly sad about the nature of people? While we have gotten the normal way-too-personal questions, the oddest/saddest thing we saw was after 9/11. A salesperson said something nasty about child - our asian child. To this day I don't get how this person thought -Asians- were somehow related to the terrorists - especially a -baby- asian.