Birthday party etiquette: presents from guests who can't make it?

I agree with *you* and I, for one, will not bow to any social pressure that tells me otherwise!

I wonder what Ms. Manners or the etiquette books say on the subject.

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I personally think gift giving has gotten out of control. I always ask people not to buy gifts for my son because he already receives a boatload! He has so many toys now that he will never find the time to play with all of them. I often ask friends not to buy him gifts because I know family members with buy him a lot for holidays & birthdays. Personally I would rather see my son have one or two really nice gifts he would really enjoy rather than a bunch of little gifts he is going to forget about in a week. Birthday parties should be about having fun and celebrating, not about receiving the most presents. I wish more people would think of it that way.

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There are only a few situations where I would send a present to a child w/o attending the party. If my child couldn't attend a bday party for some reason (scheduling conflict?) and it was his VERY BEST friend, we might still give a gift. If it was a relative's child (nieces & nephews) we would definately still give a gift. And if we had bought the gift ahead of time and then found out we couldn't attend for some reason (got sick?).

My kids have enough stuff as it is. If you can't COME to our party, really, don't worry about the gift.

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I agree completely that gift giving has gotten crazy. When it comes to showers, birthday parties whatever. I would only buy a present for my daughters close friends. Maybe send her to school with a birthday card.
Also when you are throwing a party, are we now to send thank you cards to everyone? When we have a baby, when do the thank you cards end? After a month? two months? 4? For me this type of thing annoys me because why can't people see how genuinly happy and thankful I am of gifts.
And if my daughter doesn't give a gift for a party she didn't attend... I'm sure she (or me in the situation) can show the happiness and joy of the persons celebration without a gift being involved... and I hope people would see this.

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I agree 100%. Also, Miss Manners has a very excellent book about children: "Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children." If you aren't already a fan, you should read it. She's very funny, levelheaded, and should be required reading for every human being.

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"Also when you are throwing a party, are we now to send thank you cards to everyone? When we have a baby, when do the thank you cards end? After a month? two months? 4? For me this type of thing annoys me because why can't people see how genuinly happy and thankful I am of gifts."

i personally think that yes, you really should send thank you notes (preferably hand-written, but email probably works fine these days too) to everyone who brings you a gift.

and the need for thank you notes don't end after a certain time frame. especially if it's something that was received in the mail, because then the sender a) CAN'T see that you are genuinely happy and thankful, and b) will be wondering if you received it.

but that's just me, maybe my thinking is outdated. i hope not though. my mom drilled the importance of thank you notes into us as kids and it stuck. i hope to do the same with my kids.

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I totally agree with JJ on Thank You cards. I was surprised to even see comment #4. Sending them for your young children and then helping then write and/or make them when they are older is a great way to teach children to show appreciation and to thank people. My son is 8 months but you bet we sent out Thank Yous for gifts received at Christmas. They were short, sweet, and because they were handmade, included a small set of 3 photos (2 of him with the gift). This didn't take any time at all and I know everyone loved and appreciated receiving them, esp. those from out of town. Like JJ said, it's nice to let people know you received their mailed packages. I think society as a whole is too lax when it comes to manners.

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"and the need for thank you notes don't end after a certain time frame. especially if it's something that was received in the mail"

Oh, I agree with that for sure

Don't get me wrong I will send out thank yous when I can, but I'm not a bad person either if I don't... I'm an extremly thankful person, and people should know that... with or without a thank you card

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Katie, I firmly believe that if someone went to the trouble to buy a gift for me or my child, the least I can do is send a thank you card, even if we've already thanked them in person.
If that makes me old-fashioned, so be it.

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I think thank you cards are always appreciated by the person giving the gift. I know I like when I get a thank you card. No, it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't send them. I have even forgotten to send a few or too much time has past for me to send it, but I do generally give thank you cards and will continue to do so.
Diane

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