Competitive parenting in the doctor's office
Categories: Babies, Development
I was late to Truman's nine-month
checkup today, and though I wasn't much more late than usual, the line was so long with cold and flu sufferers that, by
the time I reached the reception desk, my appointment slot had been given up for lost. Everett was already playing
happily in the little house they have there, so I gave a warning and then let him play for a while.
While I was sitting there with Truman struggling to loose the chains of his sling, another mom finished breastfeeding her very cute baby girl and set her down. "Wow, what a great sitter!" I said, and we started chatting. Her little girl was seven-and-a-half months old, and so clearly her first. I explained how Truman had never really learned to sit, but had crawled at six months - while his brother, Everett, hadn't crawled until eight-and-a-half months.
The dad walked in the room, and got on the floor with the baby. Suddenly the poor child was thrust into training. Keys were procured and set on the floor. She was turned over from her seated position (where she looked very happy) to her tummy, and encouraged to watch Truman's excellent crawling, and get the keys!
The little girl flailed, clearly trying to please her parents, and looked up at me as if to say, I'm trying, really I am! And I felt so badly for her. It's not that her parents were being terrible, or anything, they were just trying too hard. At something that doesn't even matter.I felt very uncomfortable, me, the laissez-faire second-time mommy, who has learned through life in the trenches that all babies develop at their own pace, and trying to hurry them is only going to cause angst for mom & dad and God-only-knows-what for the baby. Looking at the cute, smart, normally-developing little girl, I could only contrast her with a little boy who just turned one, whose parents attend the same church as I do. He has Down's Syndrome, and his mother offered to hand me down clothes for Truman - only to realize that Truman (three months younger) was already bigger than him at six months. His development is very slow - he's probably at a five-month equivalency right now.
So to those first-time parents out there who sit in the waiting room at their doctor's office, longing for their baby to achieve faster, better, more completely, all I can say is, wait. Wait. Your baby will learn to sit and crawl and babble and talk and stand and walk and use the potty and count and say the alphabet. I promise you. And you'll all be happier about it if you just let it happen.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Tired Mama 2-13-2006 @ 6:49PM
Yes, it's amazing how different they all are! My 9 month old just started walking this week (we had to rearrange the entire house for this) but has NO teeth (my brother and I didn't get our first until after our first birthday; lucky me--she wants to feed herself.) We didn't push her, but then, she hasn't given us time to. She never allowed us to sterilize every baby item (what's sterilize???) or fill out her baby book (doesn't even have her name in it.) The house is only now getting clean (my husband watches her and I clean. Or vice versa.) My friends with like-aged kids do NOT envy us (there's a long back story; suffice to say we don't sleep much. Don't advise...we've tried it all. She's just now starting to sleep longer through the night. And then gets sick.) They'd rather have the ease of their own children.
Anyway, we love our daughter and wouldn't trade her for anyone else, no matter what her personality is. We will enjoy more sleep someday! Until then, it's a roller coaster ride--fun and exhausting (and sometimes scary. Like when she goes bonk.) We have had to be inventive to find out what works, and just hang on by our teeth when nothing did/does. Just remember that the next time your child still isn't walking but I can't put mine in a stroller (she HATES it) nor will she sleep in the infant seat while being carried (ha ha ha! right...never been able to do that. She was five months old before she stopped screaming in her car seat. She will still cry when we put her in unless we put her in it a certain way. She really doesn't like being confined by straps.)
Our kids are special because they are all different. What my kid can do now has no bearing on how successful she'll be in a few years. I like what was said by the pedi about kids, milestones and kindergarten. Absolutely! Good luck to us all. Just wait until they are all teenagers...
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granny 1-27-2007 @ 8:17PM
Check out the Ebay store for Pip Squeakers baby shoes, sandals and sneakers. The sneakers are cheaper on this site http://stores.ebay.com/apalachianhighwaystore?=refid than on the original Pip Squeakers site. The Ebay store also has a video of a child wearing differest styles of Pip Squeakers (and enjoying them) along with the sound of the shoes. The sound can be deactivated also. Instructions come with the shoes. Free gift & gift cards are available with purchase along with a shipping discount for purchasing 3 pairs or more that gives the buyer free shipping. You can't go wrong with the quality of these shoes. Remember the Appalachian Highway Store on Ebay. See http://stores.ebay.com/appalachianhighwaystore?=refid (just copy the link).
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Ann Adams 1-31-2006 @ 4:45PM
Yes to all those things. Thanks.
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Erin 1-31-2006 @ 4:48PM
GAWD I needed to hear this today. Our 7.5 month-old Nate is a healthy young thing but I can't help but 'compare' his development with others I read about or meet. He has been rolling for months now... onto his back onto his tummy - around the room someHOW! But he shows no interest in learning how to sit up on his own... and I am terrified that there is something WRONG. Plus I can't imagine him CRAWLING in a month like yours... I need to take a breather and realize, as you say, they all WILL do these things... just at very different times. *oommmmmmm*
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eden 1-31-2006 @ 4:54PM
I was a laissez-faire mom with my first. My mantra was/is "Crack babies learn to __ and so will she." Currently it's "use a potty."
But seriously, who puts his/her baby on the floor in a public place and encourages her to crawl around? Cripes.
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Kim 1-31-2006 @ 6:24PM
I think this is SO important. I have a preemie who is about to turn 2 years old. She's only just now started walking on her own. Since she was a preemie, I knew she would walk late - but I'm amazed at how many people pressure their kids to walking/crawling/sitting/talking, etc by a "certain" age. It WILL happen - its just a matter of time!
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Ethel 1-31-2006 @ 6:32PM
I think it should be carried farther, my husband did not understand as he was growing up that he had value outside of what he did (in terms of his parent's approval). What happens if that little girl has a spinal injury/brain injury/illness that prevents her from ever crawling? Would she be worth anything less?
I figured out somehow that my folks loved me and what I did had no effect on that love, it only affected my relationship with my parents. Maybe I learned that at church, I don't know, but I know that as an adult it is true. I am thrilled that my son is very advanced when it comes to verbal and physical developments (he is 13 months) but I am not so happy that he gags on solid food. I worry that he will be eating mush in high school, like - I kid you not - his father. But I will still love him the same and he will not be a dissapointment.
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Talia 1-31-2006 @ 6:42PM
My son was a two month preemie who caught up very quickly, by about 4 months i think. He coud sit on hos own if placed that way but could not get in posistion by himself. He learned to sit the same day he really started crawling. He just need a different start point. Will his brother on-the-way be the same? Not a chance. It's a whole new adventure for us.
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Jul 1-31-2006 @ 7:16PM
"Crack Babies????" Yikes, what a term.
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Leslie 1-31-2006 @ 7:48PM
Benjamin (almost 14 months) rolled over onto his tummy at 4 months, crawled at 8 1/2 months, attempted walking at 12 1/2 months, ran last night, and has just recently within the past two months actually sat on his own. He has been sooooo busy being a boy on the move that he has not wanted to sit still. The only thing that we have done is to make sure that he had tummy time. Our pediatrician has been great when discussing these milestones with us to make sure that we are not pushing him and to let him develop at his own pace.
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Caitlin 1-31-2006 @ 11:30PM
My 13 month old has 13 teeth, and had 12 of those by 11 months old. When we were at the doctor's office for appointments, he'd flash a huge grin at whoever walked in the door. "Oh, he has a lot of teeth! My 12 month old only has 3, when did his start coming in?" It's kind of awkward for me to answer that, because a lot of new parents seem to think getting teeth is a mark of good parenting.
Contrary to popular belief, we don't do baby yoga and meditate on his teeth coming in sooner, or whatever it is one does to make their baby's teeth come in sooner. Getting teeth is not an accomplishment in the same way as reading to your child several times a day and seeing them pick up books on their own, and "read" them to your dog.
My son's playdate partner learned to walk at about 14 months old. However, he has a pretty decent vocabulary for someone his age (18 months) in English -and- Chinese. My son has a few words, but nothing like his friend did at that age. They're also quite different personality wise. My son is quite active, climbing onto things and running around while shouting loud enough to be heard all the way down the mall. His friend prefers to sit down and solve puzzles, and ask you to name things he points at.
Different children focus on different areas and as my developmental pysch prof was fond of saying, "They all walk and talk by the time they hit kindergarten, so don't stress if it takes your child a little longer to master something."
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Whitney 2-02-2006 @ 12:32PM
My closest friend's daughter is 5 days older than my son. At 10 months, she is walking, while he has yet to crawl. Fortunately, this friend is a physical therapist and is wonderful about reminding me that my son is just doing things at his own pace and is perfectly normal. (Other mothers are not always so considerate.) But my son's immobility still occasionally makes me wonder what I, as his mother and primary caregiver, am doing wrong. Thank you for further reassuring me.
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Preggy Peggy 2-03-2006 @ 6:27AM
I never crawled. I went from scooting on my butt to walking. I lived in Hawaii from age 5-10, in a one story house, and at some point, forgot how to walk up stairs, or maybe just kept going up stairs like a 5 y/o. At some point in high school (maybe when I transferred to a high school with stairs), I realized that normal people don't put their hands on the stairs in front of them!!!
Was I developmentally slow? NO. I played sports and made good grades and did marching band and was a military officer.
Now I'm a developmental gymnastics teacher and pregnant with my first. As a gymnastics teacher, I am amazed at parents that don't pay attention to milestones and where their children 'should' be developmentally. As an almost mom, I'm wanting to push my kid to develop along standardized lines, but if he's like I was, he won't comply with the standards. I know at this point I should just be hoping for a healthy baby with all the right numbers of body parts, but really, I'm wanting my kid to be the best at everything. Does that make me horrible?
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