Seattle columnist gets it all wrong on teenage boys and porn
Categories: Teens & tweens, Fun & Activities, Development, Education, Gadgets & Tech, That's Entertainment
This mother's question was recently posed to Seattle Times advice columnist
Jan Faull, "a specialist in child development and behavior ": "I discovered my
14-year-old son viewing pornography on the computer. When vacuuming his bedroom, I found pornographic magazines under
his bed. How should I handle this?"
Her advice? She basically told the mother to "tell him you won't allow pornographic magazines in your house and, if you find them, you'll throw them out. . ." and "It's not OK to go to pornography sites on the Internet. I can't allow it in this house."
Faull goes to great lengths to explain that the woman's son is naturally very curious about sex and that "it's important to point out to him that what he sees at a pornographic Internet site or in a magazine does not depict commitment or respect between partners." Only someone who has never been a teenage boy could have offered that advice. What Faull completely fails to address is the fact that the boy is masturbating to this pornography, i.e. he's not reading the articles. If this mother goes and tries to order him to not look at pornography, or if she snoops around under the kid's bed, the shame is going to be pretty intense and far more damaging than any messed-up ideas about commitment or respect between partners. Here's what she should have said: teenage boys use pornography to masturbate, and any time you try to discuss or forbid "pornography" that is just a proxy for masturbation itself. How you choose to handle the issue of your child masturbating is up to you, but please understand these are deep issues there that will affect his sexuality over the course of his lifetime. If you want to teach him about "commitment or respect between partners" to counteract corrupting societal influences that you won't be able to keep from him forever, do so by providing an example of commitment and respect with YOUR partner. Don't go into his bedroom like Eliot Ness busting up a bootlegging operation. If you want to implement web-blockers or put the computer in a public place or subtly throw the magazines away, fine. He'll get the message. But please don't try to have a conversation about it, and please don't, as Faull suggests, keep a watchful eye and try to catch him viewing porn. You'll both be better off if you let him have his privacy.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Christine 2-08-2006 @ 4:21PM
I have a 16 year old son and my husband would agree with this advice (Blogging Baby's, not the Seattle Times columnist) completely. But he had to explain it to me. My first instinct was the same as the advice columnist's. Anyway, I'm glad my husbnd and I talked about before I reacted.
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mjb 2-08-2006 @ 4:39PM
Actually, there's no guarantee that the porn DOESN'T show scenes from a committed and respectful relationship. It's just scenes of sex; maybe the models are married. :]
As a former(?) teen male, I'd say that any dramatic reaction to the porn is just going to reinforce the idea that whatever is in the porn is incredibly important and desirable. I doubt there is any way a parent could subdue an adolescent sexual drive, but a better way to temporarily dampen it (while getting in a social critique) would be to act incredibly bored and say "yeah, people act like that ALL the time.."
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Blue Hill 2-08-2006 @ 4:39PM
I agree with you 100 per cent. Masterbation is perfectly normal and natural and your sons are going to do it no matter how much you try to primly overmother them.
If you don't approve of the internet porn then enable parental controls, but give the poor boy some privacy with a magazine for pity's sake! I swear i think some women have a problem with their own sexuality and (unfortunately)take it out on their sons. What a pity. Sexual repression is unhealthy!
Your sons will learn to respect women by watching your partner's respect for you.
-Blue
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jk 2-08-2006 @ 4:50PM
you are completely right! thanks for setting the record straight!
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melissaS 2-08-2006 @ 5:48PM
Here is an issue though, because I am whole heartedly behind kids owning their bodies in whatever way they choose.
However, I also think there's something to be said for young boys (and girls) viewing porn and potentially forming some assumptions or opinions about women and the way they're portrayed in pornography.
Maybe it's as easy as opening a dialogue, I don't know.
On the other hand I probably started peeking at Penthouse and Playboy at 12 or 13 and I don't see women as objects. But God the porn on the internet...I really really don't want those images written on my impressionable son's psyche.
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Ann Adams 2-08-2006 @ 6:01PM
Thanks Melissa. I was trying to make the distinction without writing my usual book or coming across as a prude.
I caught 10 year old Rebecca on the net and I was disgusted. That takes a lot. Usually I just think porn is a silly waste of time but this was something else entirely. She did get to hear about it from me without being scolded.
I never worried about my sons and the magazines. Their dad was still alive then and I'm sure he had the "talk". I would have monitered the net if it had been around then and I do now with the girls.
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Summer 2-08-2006 @ 6:06PM
I just think of the scene in American Pie.....yeah I guess a guy is going to do what he wants..no need embarassing him.
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dutch 2-08-2006 @ 6:23PM
okay, I wholeheartedly agree that porn can affect a kid's perspective on sex in a myriad of unhealthy ways. beyond first and second generation feminist arguments about porn and postmodern views and all that, I am sometimes most troubled by the way porn affects the way men think sex is supposed to be. X-rated movies of the Sherman Oaks variety, in particular. I agree with many of the feminist arguments, but on a large scale I am most troubled by how many people have horribly unsatisfying sex lives in part because bad, marginalized pornography is how most boys learn about "how" to have sex.
And if there had been internet pornography when I was a teenager, I can't imagine what that would have done to me.
That said, I still believe it is even more dangerous for a mother to cross a certain boundary with her teenage son when it comes to exposing his private habits. Teaching a kid to be ashamed of the only outlets he can find for this lizardly rage of hormones he's suffering through can have devastating consequences that aren't acknowledged in the same way, say, as teenage girls and weight issues. You have to be careful with this stuff, and take a step back and remember this is your child and not a student in a first year women's studies class. I have heard of mothers leaving copies of "our bodies, ourselves" on the bookshelf to be discovered by their teenage daughters; perhaps sons should have something similar left for them that takes the whole curiosity thing out of the gutter. I believe there is such a thing as good porn and bad porn. pornography can even teach good habits and good sex and provide a healthy outlet for a kid's natural curiosities and lusts.
What kind of porn a kid is looking at too, is a huge part of this. If he's jerking off to playboy or pictures of angelina jolie, let him be. If he's jerking off to women being strangled or raped or bestiality, then maybe there is a time when intervention is appropriate.
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LB 2-08-2006 @ 8:58PM
I'm sure this is laughable, but could we ever live in a world where teenage boys didn't need porn to masturbate? I have no problem with masturbation. I do have a problem with a large part of porn, and I'm not sure if even what some adults might accept as "good porn" is right for teens.
Remember that scene in "Ridgemont High" where the big brother is having a fantasy about his sister's friend taking off her bikini? Was that fantasy porn insipred d'ya think? Can young men create sexual fantasies on their own? I don't know.
But the teen sex scene IS getting scarier and scarier,IMO, it's not so crazy to wonder if some of this internet porn is playing a role.
I saw this at CNN-
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/02/08/teen.abuse/index.html
I had a high school boyfriend who liked to shove me and yell at me to call him, where was I blah, blah, blah. This was in the 80s. His room was plastered with Playboy centerfolds and pictures? Coincidence? (shrug)
The columnist's suggestions her are heavy handed, I agree, but I think it is very important for parents to open the lines of communication on this and make boys aware of porn's deep flaws.
ps-14 yr olds should be vacuuming their own rooms.
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brianwho? 2-08-2006 @ 10:27PM
I wrote a paper in law school that posited that the effects of pornography on men are grossly overlooked. There is so much emphasis on the objectification of women that we tend to overlook the potentially devastating consequences to boys of being objectifiers. I know plenty of boys-turned-men with awful, dissociated sex lives and totally detached relationships with their wives and girlfriends. So there is definitely a part of me that hopes I can find a way to put bookends on the extent of my son's eventual depravity - I mean, he has a penis, so he's predestined for some amount of depravity; the question we're really dealing with here is not whether, but to what extent...
With that in mind, I'm quite fascinated by Dutch's suggestion of taking the issue head-on, and blatantly (if inadvertently) introducing boys to "good porn;" or, at the very least, not intervening when we discover that all they've gotten into is dad's stash of Playboys. Most teenage boys will be utterly unable to equate any kind of "porn is bad" message - no matter how subtle or gentle - with anything other than a "you are bad, your penis is bad, your sexuality is bad, masturbation is bad and, oh by the way, you are bad" message. There is definitely a tendency to overlook exactly how fragile boys - and, come on guys, men - are when it comes to these things. So as much as I want my son to be the same sensitive, pro-woman, over-compensating feminist-loving, tree-hugging jewboy that I am, I'm pretty sure discussing how wrong Ron Jeremy is (on so many freaking levels) won't get us there.
Finally, someone above asked whether boys are capable of generating their own fantasies. I think the implication was that taking away porn doesn't mean taking away masturbation. To that I say this: some men are writers, and some are readers.
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Madison 2-09-2006 @ 2:20AM
I disagree with JD. Do NOT throw away the magazines subtly or put up web blockers. You're gonna piss the hell outta the kid and you're restricting his freedom. He's going to feel that you are invading his privacy and he will never ever trust you again nor will he be open with you about anything else. And hell yea, you better confront him about it! Do NOT go through his computer or put it in a public place! What is this? JAIL? I grew up with a computer and such things were never an issue because my parents raised me right and know that anything I do on my comp will not lead me to do anything worse. My guy friends who grew up with computers, looking at porn, ALL TURNED OUT EXCELLENT! So, don't be ridiculous. Parents need to make it seem that this curiosity is NATURAL but that it's NOT RIGHT. Explain to him that you won't look through his computer again or his bedroom again, but that the depictions of these naked women... or men... is not what any self-respecting guy should look at nor compare to any other girls (or guys) he meets. Pornography in a way does make a guy or even a girl hornier. It's best to somehow block it on your tv, but atleast leave his computer and room alone. I am telling you, you and your kids will have MAJOR trust issues with each other for the REST of your lives, if you treat the kid like he's living in jail. Now if that were my son, I would just put the magazines back where I found them and never touch his computer. A computer is like a person's personal diary. Leave it alone. As long as my son or daughter are not doing anything that is out of the ordinary in real life, I am not going to mess with their sexual exploration. Let them explore in their own room, as long as it does not go too far. I would rather have my kid looking at porn on the computer or in magazines than going out and screwing everybody in their school, parties or on the street. Why is porn so taboo? Although it can make a person more horny probably, it's the best way to do safe sex. And if you think porn is going to introduce them or teach them to ways of having sex, I guarantee you, they will learn that on their own, without porn.
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Mary 2-09-2006 @ 7:38AM
I agree with Dutch. It hugely depends on the type of porn being watched. Pretty naked pictures are one thing; violent, or particularly nasty things quite another.
We have lots of books around the house that my son (16) could use. Books on sensual massage, books on tantric sex, books on human sexuality. All very nicely, and explicitly, illustrated. And, while I have found some of *those* in his room from time to time, I've never found porn. Either it's because he hides it better, or it's because he doesn't need it with the better-quality stuff we have anyway.
We've had discussions on pornography round the dinner table, with me expressing my female annoyance with the stuff. Not that it's degrading, but that it's so false. On the few occasions I've view an xxx video, I'm usually sitting to one side sneering inside "oh, as if!" Women do NOT get satisfaction from the stuff they show in those videos - and I want my son to know that!
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dutch 2-09-2006 @ 12:50PM
madison, you completely misread my entire post. I suggested throwing the porn away or putting up blockers as an ALTERNATIVE to confronting the teen or expressly forbidding it. At least such a thing would teach a kid to be discrete about his masturbatory habits (not all kids learn that).
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Laura Snow 2-09-2006 @ 2:49PM
I think I would have my husband talk to him about it and explain that what he sees in mags and online aren't what it's really like and perhaps have some real movie examples to suggest if he ever wonders what it's really like. You know like blockbuster movies with romantic sex scenes or something? I don't think you should deny or take away the other forms of sex because a boy is going to get it one way or another and you may as well be there for them and respect them. Although to be totally fair.. my husband only had dirty mags, etc growing up and he's a great husband and lover. I'm sure common sense plays into effect. I'm sure a teen boy can figure out that people are acting.
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TestSubjectXP 2-21-2006 @ 2:46PM
brianwho, I couldn't help but notice the contradictory nature of your comments.
1.) "Most teenage boys will be utterly unable to equate any kind of 'porn is bad' message - no matter how subtle or gentle - with anything other than a 'you are bad, your penis is bad, your sexuality is bad, masturbation is bad and, oh by the way, you are bad' message. There is definitely a tendency to overlook exactly how fragile boys - and, come on guys, men - are when it comes to these things."
2.) "I mean, he has a penis, so he's predestined for some amount of depravity."
Methinks this tendency to feel the "you are bad" message is more externally influenced than internally.
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Ann Floyd 3-05-2006 @ 3:18PM
I can not believe our society has come to the point where we are saying it is okay to masturbate and all boys do it. That could be no futher from the truth. The Bible warns of taking your lust and acting on them. It says that when a man satisfies his sexual desires outside of letting his wife fulfill them That is A SIN.
Think about what message you are sending your boys. "It is okay to satisfy yourself." So how will that help his sexual relationship with his wife. How will it build the intimacy needed to help couples grow? It WONT!!!
, it will give that once boy now man the idea that he should take care of himself. Not to mention it is addictive and habit forming. Honestly, ask any man would they rather "play with themselves" or have a loving relationship with a woman/wife who can take care of those needs.
Let's call it what it is. It is playing with yourself. The very thought of someone doing that and worse allowing their child to start that habit, should make us all sick.
Please have some discipline and teach your children the real meaning of sexual fullfillment and believe me it is not pornograpy, ( which causes more suicides and drug usage of young woman than any other "allowable" activity) check out the statistics for yourself and then teach your boys the right way to become men.
If I am wrong, what will you lose by at least trying to help your sons.
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anonymous 3-08-2006 @ 7:37PM
I think it's time for a teenager's perspective. My parents (mainly my dad), though they act like they don't know about my "habits", I think that they really do know because of some comments that they have made. Sure, they have the blockers, but y'know what? I know how to get around them, and I'm sure other boys do this, too (I've asked), and frankly, if a boy wants it bad enough, he will get it, whether you like it or not. Trust me, if you try to take it away, he will try to find some way to get around it, and if that doesn't work, then he might take more drastic measures, such as doing it at a friend's house, or even maybe at school, where it is very easy to track and could result in expulsion. So please, as long as it's not rape, beastiality, child, etc. porn or causing any sexual harassment, just let him do it--he's not hurting anyone.
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****** 4-26-2006 @ 7:06PM
15 here in the computer room.
Alone.
No way to trace my history.
No parental blocks.
And all I'm doing is playing on my mom's aol.
Goody two shoes here bringing you my opinion 7 days a week if I could get out of school.
I'm female and I've never seen a naked person outside of a library book (school book too, they block everything on the computer and have naked men in the psycology books) or biology book. I believe masturbation is perfectly healthy, as is sexual desire. We're human, our bodies tell us were hungery we eat, our bodies tell us they want sex we jerk off like good people instead of raping a boy/girl (cough bible allows rape of unwed/unengaged virgins who must then marry attacker so do other cultures cough).
Porn is simply a tool, while in adult men if it isn't an activity used for spicing up your own sex life it can be detrimental I see no problem for a teenage boy to be looking at it at long as it doesn't promote things like real rape, beastiality, child porn ectra. I've read written porn, my parents know this. As long as I don't allow my younger sibling(s) to see it I can. You have to trust your child to know when they are mature enough to know the difference between looking at porn and a Peeping Tom.
It doesn't make women seem more like objects than any song/music video/ or many religious writings. Including the Ann Floyd message. Nice to know my husband doesn't have to please me. Of course marriage couldn't be about mental intamacy, simple cuddling or learning about the other person so you better make sure you're good in bed. I could go into a nice debate about the Christian/American way of raising boys to see women as sex objects but that would be going off topic.
In closing the only bad thing I can see would be the fact that if they boy was a virgin when married he's lose the fun part of the wedding night, the blushing, awkwardness, and undressing in the closet.
Thank You.
DK ;)
Also I apoligise deeply for the slight religious slurs. It's all true of course. Plus why don't YOU try going on a extremely conservative site about your religion and try to keep your cool and not start wanting to yell about what's wrong and right from your view. If you can then you are either a conservative or a saint. Or both.
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Theresa 4-28-2006 @ 4:09PM
I found porn websites having to do with animals and people (is this beastiality?) on my 12 year old son's computer today. My 14 year old daughter and my son have had their own computers for some time and the rule was that I would be checking from time to time to make sure no one was accessing porn or inappropriate sites. Sure, I utilize the blockers offered by internet explorer and msn. I feel the need to say something to him. I'm a single mother and his father is not around. I find it difficult to just "ignore" this. I try to maintain open communication and it's important to me that my son doesn't feel that he can't talk to me. By and large, my kids are good kids, however, the sick stuff I just witnessed tells me that they are exposed to much, much more than I ever have been in my 43 years. Any advice would be appreciated.
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