Thank you for sharing this, Stefania. I am glad that it had a happy ending! Its nice to hear that other people had breastfeeding struggles too. Sometimes I feel like the only one. I hope you don't mind if I share my story.
I don't talk much about my own failed breastfeeding, but I think about it every day. My daughter was born full term, but with no interest in sucking. She was very sleepy and I couldn't keep her awake long enough to get her to latch on. The nurses in the hospital were supportive and assured me that we would get the hang of it eventually and to just keep trying. Then Morgan started throwing up greenish stuff. She had apparently swollowed some meconium on the way out, but they didn't realize that right away and once that happened, everyone's attitude towards me changed. They started getting really anxious about why she wouldn't eat and made me take her for x-rays. When the x-rays turned out blurry (my fault, the tech assured me - I didn't hold the baby still enough) they took Morgan away from me to the nursery until they could "prove that she would eat at least one ounce". I felt like a terrible mother for not successfully breastfeeding in the first 10 hours. They gave me a pump and I pumped with all I had but only about a quarter ounce came out. They mixed it with formula and told us to feed Morgan with a bottle. She still had no desire to suck. We had to hold her upright away from our bodies and hold her mouth closed and massage her gums just to make her eat. It took 90 minutes for her to eat that first ounce. They kept her for about 12 hours and by the end of that, she had finally started getting the hang of sucking. I had been pumping the whole time and milk was starting to flow a little more freely too. So we tried to switch her back to the breast. No go. I asked to see the lactation consultant but was told she was too busy to see someone like me. I was eventually sent home with the helpful advice of "just keep trying".
When we got home I sent my husband out to buy a pump (I don't think our hospital rents them) and I continued to pump and attempt to nurse. By the evening I had 5oz of expressed breastmilk and a very very hungry cranky baby who still wouldn't latch on and a worried husband who thought the baby would starve. I gave in and fed her a bottle of breastmilk. I left messages for the lactation consultant but never heard back. I called a La Leche League leader but she was more interested in scolding me for having an unnatural (I was induced and had an epidural) childbirth than actually helping me get my baby to eat. After several days I was a mess. Morgan would scream bloody murder everytime I picked her up. She wanted nothing to do with me. And, honestly? I wasn't too thrilled with her at that minute. I was too ashamed about my failure then to seek any more help. So my husband and I made the decision to stop trying to breastfeed. I pumped every two hours for the first two weeks. Then I went down to eight times a day for the next six weeks. Then 6 times a day until she was about 3 months. And then 4 times a day until she was 7 months. Thats when I started supplementing with formula. She was on all formula by 11 months.
I still feel a lot of guilt over this decision. I'm crying as I type this, actually. I wish I had been a stronger person and had worked harder to get help. I know in my head that Morgan is turing out just fine (actually, perfect) and that the important thing was that she ate not the method. But that little voice in my head tells me that I failed my baby and that is a hard thing to live with. Everytime she is sick or talks later than her friends or has bad separation anxiety or something, I feel like it is because I didn't give her the best start in life. I plan to nurse my next baby (due in July) and am determined not to make the same mistakes the second time around.
Sorry about the novel. It actually feels good to get that off my chest.

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Your story is very much like mine. My premie son also had a weak suck so I breastfeed, pumped, supplemented with formula and in between was busy sterilizing equipment (and let many pots burn dry)! I was constantly working on the feeding of the child and I was exhausted and miserable. My milk never came in like it should - I would pump for 20 min and just get an ounce or two. I felt like such a failure. My lactation consultant kept at me to keep going but after 5 months of misery we went to formula and life became better for all of us. Looking back I wish I had switched to formula earlier. I felt such pressure as a new mother to make the damn breastfeeding work and the fact is sometimes it doesn't work. And that's okay. It doesn't make you a bad mother as some breast nazi's might like you to believe. I tried my best to give my son breastmilk for as long as I could and I have to be confident enough to say that that's okay.

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THANK YOU for this story! I know that so many of us felt/feel that pressure to breastfeed, and for some of us, that pressure does not combine with PPD well.

I wish I had of known I could have continued supplementing formula while getting up to speed with the breastfeeding. I felt the same way-that it was a sin!

What a breath of fresh air this was! And I'm glad you were able to continue the breastfeeding. For me, with the pressure, it was give it up, or slit my wrists. The choice was easy in my case.

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My son was a champion nurser from the start and he wasn't early. Still, my left breast stopped producing milk. When Christopher started being just plain pissed off all the time, I took him to the doctor, who advised me to go to my OBGYN to see if something was wrong with my production.

Once I was hooked up to the pump, we knew. My left breast was producing maybe half of what the right was. We tried the pumping constantly thing, but instead of getting better, my supply (left breast only) practically dried up. They had no idea why it was happening, but I had to start supplementing. He'd nurse on the right side and then he'd get a bottle of formula.

Soon my husband was getting up with him in the middle of the night to give him a bottle. The supply in my right side never diminished, and I was finally able to get some real rest (after 30 hours of labor and an emergency c-section, mastitis--in the "good" side!--, and a very "colicky" baby, I was EXHAUSTED).

Sometimes formula can be a godsend.

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I'm glad things turned out okay for you and your daughter. I stopped trying to nurse at about 4-5 weeks with my oldest. I had plenty of milk, she had plenty of suck, but my nipples are full of scar tissue and the milk couldn't get from point A to point B without a lot of pain/effort (it barely dripped out). To be honest, though, that by the time my twins were born I wouldn't have bf if I could... I had recieved so much flak for using formula (and no sympathy for my inability to nurse) that I was completely turned off by the nursing community. It nice to see examples of people who know that the most important thing is to feed/love/cherish the baby. Thank you for putting this out there for everybody.

Oh, and I was bottlefed, my daughter and my twins were, and none of us have ever had ear infections, and we're generally very healthy. Kate, please don't feel guilty about that, you love your little girl, and I'm sure there is nothing wrong with her even though you fed her formula. : )

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I, too, "failed" at breastfeeding, but the difference is that I don't feel guilty for making the choice to keep my mental health stable and my child growing. My daughter was born unexpectedly 6 weeks early, and due to her size (5 lbs 8 oz) and apparent health and a crowded NICU, we were told to take her on home 48 hours after her birth.

Needless to say, we were a little unprepared for bringing home our first baby! She, too had a weak suck, and we supplemented with formula right from the beginning, squeezing a tiny amount into her slack little mouth from a syringe with a tube taped to my finger. I pumped for 6 weeks, but because of her size and lack of suck (and obviously, our use of formula), my milk production never got up to speed.

I fully intended to breastfeed my son, but you know what? When he arrived 5 weeks early and I sat down with him every day, all day, and tried and tried - I hated it! I had a bad case of baby blues for the few weeks after I had him, my daughter was then 2 1/2 and in my face constantly, and my husband had to go back to work almost immediately. Did I mention that we have no family locally to help out?

So I pumped for a month or two and suplemented with formula, and although there are plenty of times when I've been made to feel like less of a mother for willingly giving up breastfeeding, I think I truly made the best choice for me and my family.

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I have a feeling this is going to be a long comments section with many, many women airing their guilt and sadness.

Our story was pretty similar. Low blood sugar baby = formula from nurses. Baby has problems with breastfeeding. Baby develops severe allergy to dairy and ultimately, soy. Baby develops severe diarrhea, eczema, failure to thrive. Doctor says, "FORMULA OR ELSE!" Mom says, "I'm a failure." Mom develops mastitis.

Soon thereafter, doctor and mom discover baby actually has allergies to formula and stuff in her milk. Mom goes on total elimination diet, buys pump and nursing supplementer, baby relearns latch. Baby's colic, diarrhea and eczema miraculously disappear (the same time teething begins!). Baby gains weight although still looks like a holocaust victim at this point.

Fast forward 10 months later, baby looks normal, mom still breastfeeding because baby can't drink any other beverage (dairy and soy still out of the question).

My kid is almost 15 months old and, I can honestly say that the hardest thing I've ever done is breastfeed. Labor and delivery were cake compared to the hell of nursing. If I had known this before I had a baby, I wouldn't have bothered with childbirth classes. I'd have gone without a bra for 10 months and worn a sandpaper t-shirt. Unfortunately and fortunately, we had to make breastfeeding work because we didn't really have any other options. In some ways I'm grateful and other times I'm cynical and angry about all of the guilt I felt over the whole debacle.

For all of you moms who still feel guilty, years after the fact, stop it already!! You didn't kill your child! Your child still got the best you were able to give. You don't have to be SUPERMOM!!

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Formula is the new "F word".

My son was tube fed for the first few weeks of his life. Per NICU policy, I wasn't allowed to even try to breastfeed until he was a pro at the bottle. The first time I tried, the NICU nurse gave me an "F". I don't look my age, and I wasn't wearing my wedding ring because my fingers were so swollen from being on an IV for most of a week.

She wrongly assumed I was a unwed teen mom and kept discouraging me from breastfeeding. If I told the NICU staff I wanted to feed my son, she would feed him while I stood outside waiting for her to open the door. Babies with full bellies aren't the best nursers.

I pumped every 2 hours, even though for the last month and a half I was only getting teaspoons a day. I ate foods that make me nauseous, drank teas that I hated, in hopes of getting my milk to come in. My son still had some respiratory issues when we brought him home, so he never got the hang of suck, swallow, and breathe. My pediatrician told us to try breastfeeding again about 5-6 months.

Just past the the three month mark, I was only getting a few drops, and then nothing when I pumped. I had three unsucessful tries with relaction. It was a really painful time for me, because I am not flat chested. Even though the same women women would tell flat chested women that breast size has nothing to do with milk production, they'd look at me and tell me that with my cup size, there was no way I'd be one of that almost non existent percentage of women who have medical issues. Unless of course, they were fake. I can now add "too lazy to be a good mother" to the list of things I've been called because of my bra size. It was more hurtful than the slut variety because as a new mother, I was scared it was true.

I tried the local LLL and found out that unless your problems are resolved within two weeks, you're lazy. They talked about how great breast milk was, and how they made so much, but yet no one wanted to donate so I didn't have to supplement with formula. Better that my son should still be under his birthweight when he was a month old because I was defective. Saying you gave your child formula would be way worse than having your toddler perform George Carlin's 7 words bit every time you go in public.

They even paraded a few adoptive mothers who were successful breastfeeders before me so I could see that it was clearly my laziness that was the problem. I got to hear how great they were and how it easy it was for them. I was chastised for my "laziness", and they kept treating me like I was against breastfeeding. If I was against breastfeeding, I wouldn't have put up with being treated that way for so long.

They forget that some women don't really get much of a choice in the matter, when nothing works. Well, I guess I could have kept offering my empty breasts and watch my son begin to die of starvation and CPS take him away, because "good" mothers would never offer anything but the breast and everyone knows a breastfed baby won't starve himself.

I guess it's a little ironic that after an incident with a lactivist, I was no longer comfortable feeding my son in public. To them, it's perfectly ok to shame a new mother to the point of tears in public because she has the audacity to give her child a bottle in public. As we all know, the laws of physics prevent expressed milk from going anywhere near one of those evil bottles.

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I am so glad that you posted and that you are opening this dialoge. I had a horrendous pregnancy- I had hyperemesis gravidarium and had to be on IV hydration for 6 weeks, could only eat specific foods my entire pregnancy as they were the only things I could keep down and was on Zofran until the day I delivered. My body was so depleted from my pregnancy that my breasts didn't even get bigger during my pregnancy and I lost 15 pounds! My pregnancy was so horrible that I actually REJOICED during labor and delivery. That should tell you something. I made the decision, after much thought, that I would not breastfeed. My body was starved during my pregnancy and physically and mentally I just couldn't do it. Call me weak or awful or whatever but I knew that if I tried to compound breastfeeding exhaustion after 9 months of hell I would be riding the PPD train. I was okay with my decision but I can't believe how a decision such as mine is viewed with such horror and derision in the parenting community.

I bonded with my son despite the fact that he never drank from my breast. We had plenty of skin on skin contact and I NEVER did anything else other than hold him and speak with him while I fed him a bottle. But, if you listen to some people my child will be a fat, stupid, constantly sick failure. I get so angry with this. I feel that feeding a child is just one thing that makes you a good parent. My son is incredibly healthy- he has been sick 2 times in 21 months, intelligent, advanced in many milestones. Do I believe that has anything to do with what he was fed at the beginning of his life? No. I believe it has to do with how we interacted with him. I have worked with children and have been able to compare those that were breastfed with those that weren't and honestly you really can't tell a difference. Some kids are going to be sicker than others, smarter than others, more advanced than others regardless of what they were fed.

Do I wish that I had tried breastfeeding? Of course. I think that is just one of the things that makes me so angry about my pregnancy. I was robbed of everything good that comes with a pregnancy because of my hyperemesis. I had to go on long term disability. I couldn't leave my house because smelling anything would make me vomit. I was an invalid and I hated it. I feel like my body betrayed me. But I also feel that I made the decision that was right for me and my child. I know myself well enough to know that I did the right thing. I would never tell another woman that they were wrong for doing something that worked for their family, so why do people feel compelled to tell me how wrong I was?

If I had it to do all over again I think I would have made the same decision. I gave my body a chance to heal and to recover from the virtual starvation of my pregnancy. If by some miracle I don't get hyperemesis with my next pregnancy (I have a 75% chance of getting it again) I will try to breastfeed. But, if I do get so sick again, then I am going to go the formula route again. And this time I won't beat myself up or feel guilty. But I can't help but feel sad that there are people out there that hate me (and no, that isn't too strong a word) just because my child didn't drink from my breast, even though they don't know a thing about me or my issues.

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This is such an emotional topic for so many mommies.

I can only speak from my own experience. With my son Birdie, I was hell-bent on breastfeeding. It made sense financially (formula is Expensive!), emotionally (why else would God give me these double Ds?) and rationally (millions of women can do it, so can I!).

I am a longtime sufferer of depression and have been happily and successfully medicated for about 10 years. When I got pregnant, OB and head doc agreed that my dose of Prozac was OK by Birdie.

Once he arrived, he was a fussy baby and a poor nurser. I was in terrible pain and after 5 days was ready to throw in the towel. An emergency visit to an LC, and I was introduced to the pump. I exclusively pumped from that point on, and Bunny continued to be a fussy kid, very restless, didn't like to be held. I pumped easily, and always had a surplus. The pump and I were friends, I felt happy that even though I had failed at nursing, at least I could breastfeed.

Fast forward to 5 months. I bring Bunny to an appt with my therapist, who plays with him throughout our appt. At the end of the hour, she says that she thinks he's reacting to the Prozac.

We agree to try a weeklong "formula test" to see if Bunny is, indeed, reacting to my milk. There's no denying the change in him after a few days.

I put away the pump, dump over 50 ounces of frozen BM, and buy formula.

I am pregnant with my second and will not be nursing. We've also adjusting my medication accordingly.

Sometimes formula is the answer for reasons that have nothing to do with milk production.

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Amen Michele. Amen.

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I feel so badly about all the suffering, both physically and emotionally, that you poor women have experienced, especially at the hands of so called medical professionals.
It makes me want to scream!

As many of you may know from comments on other posts, I’ve never had a baby, therefore cannot begin to understand the feelings, practicalities and issues, medical or otherwise involved in feeding an infant.
If I ever do I would give breastfeeding my best shot because I believe it is the best thing a baby can have, if possible, but the fact of the matter is some women can, some women can’t, regardless of breast size (what is with the impression that big boobs = lots of milk? My mother is the same sort of size as me, and she couldn’t breastfeed either me or my elder brother: her milk supply was all but nothing no matter how hard she tried and what she did) and, frankly, the baby being fed and well looked after matters far more than whether the milk he/she is getting is straight from the breast, pumped, formula or whatever else necessary.
Many don’t feel that way, I know, and in fact I remember once when I was in town someone came up to me. It was a woman of maybe 50 (I’m not good with ages) and she walked up quickly and said, with an obvious look of disgust;

“Look at her: can you believe she has the nerve to do such a horrible thing in public!”

Huh?
My confusion was compounded as I realised she was talking about a mother sat on a nearby bench lovingly feeding her baby. No problem there as far as I could see. I turned back to her questioningly, but before I could speak she indicated my (admittedly large) chest and added:

“Still, looking at you sweetheart, you’ll have no problems in that department. It’s obvious YOU’LL never need to be so selfish and use anything but what God gave you to feed your baby.”

And with that she walked away. I stared after her, dumbfounded.

The mother, thankfully oblivious to what had been said, finished feeding her baby, popped the bottle into her bag, and then proceeded to burp the infant tenderly with an expression of pure devotion and love.
The old woman had been repulsed by the sight of it. A woman bottle feeding her baby.

As I looked down at my chest, then back at the mother as she happily stood up, baby in sling and walked away, I wanted to cry. How could someone, another woman no less, say such a thing? And why say it to me, a total stranger? Cowardice perhaps?

Whatever her reason, I’m glad she didn’t say it to the mother.

Sorry this post is so long, but the incident upset me, and this post brought the memory rushing to the surface.
The baby in question (a girl, I think, dressed in pink, anyway) was plump, dressed warmly and looked happy, healthy and well cared for, and from what I could see was the centre of a doting mother’s universe.

Surely that’s all that matters?

Surely?

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Add my thanks to the bucket as well. My daughter was 3 1/2 weeks early. I had an epidural coupled with a faster-than-expected labor which resulted in a very sleepy newborn. She had no interest in nursing and very little suck reflex. I was told this was my fault for having somewhat flat nipples. They introduced me to a nipple shield, which I know now should not be used until after nursing is established.

I went home 36 hours after delivery and my milk came the next day. I had TONS of milk spraying everywhere. Sounds like a good thing, doesn't it? My daughter didn't think so when I tried to drown her. In my desparation to breastfeed, I kept cramming my nipples in her mouth trying to get her to latch.

I was exhausted and frustrated. She was hungry and PISSED. I called the hospital, my OBGYN, and her pediatrician and no one was willing to help me - just keep trying, they said, babies don't starve themselves. At 5 days old, she had lost over a pound from birthweight and was jaundiced.

My husband bought me a pump. I continued to try to get her to latch while I fed her with pumped breastmilk and bottle, but by then she was traumatized and screamed at the mere sight of my breasts. Ultimately, I gave up and pumped full time.

People praised me for my dedication to pumping full time instead of just going for formula. But, I felt nothing but guilt and failure.

I wish now that I would have just given her the bottle from the start to get her fed instead of starving her for 5 days. Full babies don't nurse, but neither do overly hungry babies. I may have been able to establish our nursing later if I had just relaxed about it. I wish more that I hadn't (and honestly still do) felt so guilty.

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PS I ended up with very severe PPD and am still working through it all 2 years later.

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Thank you for this post, and thanks to all those who have told their stories in the comments. It's amazing to me what an emotional subject this can be. It seems that almost everyone is wracked with guilt over the whole breastfeeding thing.

My story is a little different in that my pregnancy was completely normal (although torturous by definition), and even though my daughter was born over three weeks early, she was completely healthy and had a very strong suck from the begninning. My milk came in quickly, and I made more than enough for several babies (the engorgement was the most painful part of the entire pregnancy/birth/postpartum experience). I was very lucky to have nipples which didn't crack, bleed, or even get sore.

All of this should have made breastfeeding a complete success, and in a physical sense, it was. The problem was that I HATED it. I absolutely hated breastfeeding. That was especially hard because I had always looked forward to nursing so much. I thought of it as a beautiful, natural, and wonderful experience... until I actually did it, and then I just felt bitter that not only did I have sole responsibility for feeding a person every 2 hours around the clock, but I couldn't have control over my body back, even though the pregnancy was over. I'm a person who needs a lot of physical space, and I just couldn't get that while nursing.

I've had horrible suicidal depression nearly my entire life, and after giving birth, as expected, I came down with a bad case of PPD. I really needed to get back on my medication, but it wasn't safe to nurse my daughter while taking it. So even though I needed the meds, I wanted to die all the time, and I was desperate to quit breastfeeding.... I didn't quit. I just suffered through the depression so that I could keep up the dreaded nursing. Looking back it was so stupid, but I just felt like it was selfish of me to switch to formula, like I would be sacrificing her health for my sanity. I breastfed for nearly 6 months, never once enjoying it, until finally I decided that if I kept it up I would surely kill myself. I finally switched to formula, and I couldn't believe how happy and relieved I was. It was the best decision I could have made.

I know now that having a happy, loving mother has done more for my child than breastmilk ever could. I finally had enough space that I could enjoy being close to her instead of resenting it. My husband could finally help feed her (which he was more than happy to do). Most importantly, I could start back on my much needed medication.

I think that encouraging people to nurse is a good thing, but I wish that people wouldn't be so extreme about it. The idea that mothers should breastfeed their children at ANY cost is the source of so much unnecessary guilt.

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This topic really hits home for me. My daughter wasn't interested in nursing when she was born. We tried and tried, but she would latch, suck for about 30 seconds, and then pull off and cry because she wasn't getting it fast enough. The third night in the hospital, the nurse told me her blood sugar had dropped to a dangerous level, and she would have to have a bottle. I didn't have a choice in the matter at that point. By the time she left the hospital, she had lost a pound.

After the first bottle, she decided that bottles were far easier (she's a quick learner). When my milk came in, she was willing to nurse for a bit, but we always had to supplement with a bottle. I tried to pump as well, so that I could at least give her some bottles of breastmilk, but since she was never an exclusive breastfeeder my supply wouldn't keep up.

We endured this struggle for 4 months, and during her 5th month we weaned completely (for several reasons, including my work wouldn't give me anyplace private to pump). I felt horrible that I was never able to give my daughter all she needed from breastmilk alone. The guilt was overwhelming, and added to my PPD.

Looking back on it, though, I see that I did nothing wrong. The important thing is that my daughter had the nourishment she needed to continue growing. While I would have preferred it to come all from breastmilk, formula ended up being a perfectly acceptable substitute.

We plan on having more kids, and I think next time I will not let the issue bother me so much. I plan to breastfeed again, and will make a very serious effort at it, but if it doesn't work out, I won't beat myself up over it.

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This was a wonderful post. I breastfed my daughter for 16 months. I always had a ton of milk, and things were wonderful. I worked part time, mostly from home, so it was really easy for me. I'm ashamed to admit, I had a very superior attitude about breastfeeding, and sometimes looked down upon those who choose to supplement.
When I had my son 6 months ago, I assumed things would go just as they did with my daughter. Surprise, surprise. My husband and I separated, I started working full time, and nursing became a chore. The baby was waking up every hour to nurse, pumping at work was difficult to say the least, and I was just exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
It took an old friend to snap me out of it. She told me to stop being a martyr, to realize that my life was different, and to do what was best for me. She pointed out that Max would never remember how long he had been breastfed. I realized that the only reason I was still nursing him was because I felt guilty. I felt guilty that he might not nurse as long as his sister.
I have since weaned the little guy (going on two weeks now), and while I have sad moments about it, I know it was the right thing to do.
And, I feel so terribly that I looked down on those who supplemented/fed formula only previously. Sometimes it takes life kicking us in the butt to show us the error of our ways.

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I also felt inadequate not being able to breastfeed my daughter past 3 wks, due to several circumstances. I wish I'd had your lactation consultant! When my son was born, I had more success but still didn't make it past 3 wks. However, having had great success formula-feeding my daughter, I was mentslly prepared to formula-feed my son.

The desire to breastfeed isn't always enough to make it happen. All mothers should be encouraged to do what's best and most healthy for their children and that can mean formula feeding in addition to or instead of the breast.

Sharing stories like ours will help strengthen and encourage our mothering community. Thanks for sharing this :)

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Alice, it's sad that the older woman assumed it was formula. That mom may have been pumping, and as far as I know, the bottle is the easiest way to give a baby expressed milk in public. I now know that you can use supplementers, but that seems like it would be hard to set up for an outing.

It's a shame that when women who have problems go somewhere like LLL to get some help, they're treated like the enemy if they didn't do the all natural birth or have to supplement with formula while they try find the cure for their low supply. When I was told about the LLL, it was portrayed as being supportive of moms who had problems but weren't getting anywhere with advice from doctors and their LCs.

I think if you can breastfeed, that's great. But formula is a perfectly acceptable substitute if for whatever reason, breastfeeding doesn't work for you. After my nightmare with it, I wish I had let it go when I was barely getting any milk around the 3 month mark. I think we forget that babies would rather have a happy and healthy mama who can enjoy them, than a mama who's feeling so guilty and inadequate over something she can't help, and may as well be a zombie after following everyone's suggestions to the letter.

Babyhood is such a short time and it's a shame to spend most of it too guilty to enjoy it. I felt like I was constantly letting him down every time my tears flowed more freely than my milk.

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