Time out spots: a place to park your naughty child

I am just thankful that it is called a 'time out spot" because I can't call anything naughty without mimicking that SuperNanny accent.

Nothing makes me giggle like hearing a mom from Arkansas say "nauh-tee-spot" very proper after the SuperNanny.

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I've heard parents with kids who were adopted use "time ins," where the kid has to sit quietly next to you on the couch. So it's not punishment, but a time to sit quietly and stop whatever naughtiness is occuring. And, for kids who may have attachment issues, it helps them to know that bad behavior won't get them sent away and helps with attaching.

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I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive, but are you kidding me? Now time-out is considered degrading, humiliating, etc.? How could it possibly be degrading and harmful to your child to have them sit quietly for a couple minutes after doing something unacceptable? Pulling a child's pants down and giving them a spanking in public would be something 'humiliating', not having them sit on a mat/in a chair/on the steps for what would probably be less than 5 minutes. And when I was a child that wouldn't have made me even feel bad... it would have made me think my mother was a pushover and definitely wouldn't have changed my behavior.

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I don't think time outs are necessarily bad. At 14 months, Paul doesn't understand that pulling Jack's tail hurts. Sometimes he'll listen to no, other times he won't. So far, the most effective way to stop this behavior is to remove him from whatever was proving to be too much temptation.

Unlike the time outs we had in kindergarten, I don't point out what a bad awful naughty boy he is every time someone walks by. That's humiliating and degrading. Instead, after he's had a chance to calm down, I model the more appropriate behavior. For tail pulling, I work on how to pet gently by taking his hand and showing him the right way. This seems to be effective for us, because he doesn't pull Jack's tail as often now, but pets him instead.

I have friends who think crating my dog is the better way to go, but I think all that teaches Paul is that if he does something, someone else gets punished. That's not a good precedent to set. He needs to understand that as long as he can't behave appropriately, he will be removed from the situation until he's calm enough to not repeat whatever it was that got him in trouble.

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Time outs work for almost every child at some point in their lives. They are a way to remove a child from an out-of-control situation and give her/him a chance to calm down and get control. Children are usually aware they are acting outrageously, and when young, have no idea how to control the behavior. It's a lesson parents have to teach.

Now John Holt’s counsel "Most of us are tactful enough with other adults not to point out their errors but not many of us are ready to extend this courtesy to children. ~ John Holt" is ludicrous, in my opinion. Children are born knowing nothing other than involuntary functions (crying, sucking, etc.). A child learns most everything from others. Teaching can be presented in a positive or negative manner (hopefully positive!), but no matter how it’s presented, the point of reference stems from the child not doing something right, i.e., making an error!

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"Most of us are tactful enough with other adults not to point out their errors but not many of us are ready to extend this courtesy to children." ~ John Holt

This quote is just ridiculous. There are several reasons I may not point out the mistake of another adult.

1. Probably the most important one is that their behavior is their responsibility, not mine. On the other hand, my child's behavior *is* my responsibility.

2. Their behavior most likely does not affect me -- this is when I choose to not say anything. However, similar to point 1, my child's behavior *does* affect me, because their behavior is my responsibility.

3. If their behavior does affect me, I do say something, if it is worthwhile. There are times when I choose not to say something because it seems like it would be a waste of time. However, sometimes it is necessary. Therefore, my child needs to learn how to be corrected -- and how to respond appropriately. Again, this is my responsibility.

Children are *not* "little adults". They have a hugely different set of needs than an adult does. It's ridiculous to categorize them with adults like this.

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we have had more luck putting the toy in time-out than the child, we still put him in time-out if he is out of control and needs time-out but putting his toys in time-out, then allowing him to earn them back through a star sticker program has been much more successful

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I think this product is a wonderful idea. Many celebrity moms have Time Out Spots including Tori Spelling.

Dashin Fashion Online Guide to Children's Clothing Worldwide

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I came to this site because I'm thinking of having a child (don't have any now) and I have to say I'm floored by the idea that a 'time-out' could be humiliating. As a child, I suffered humiliation and a time-out mat is not that. A time-out sounds GREAT to me. And what is wrong with referring to a child as naughty. If a child is acting naughty then technically they'd be a 'naughty child' until the naughty behaviour ends. And I don't think the Author is saying she calls her child or would call her child Naughty but even if she did. So what? If parents in this day and age are afraid to say the word naughty to their children I can't see how they'd have the ability to discipline these children at all. It's not like calling the child stupid. Naughty is a choice the child makes. If they hit someone or throw something and break it what would that behaviour be called? What word would you use so the child knows that the behaviour is unnacceptable? Aren't words how we communicate?

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"Naughty is a choice the child makes. If they hit someone or throw something and break it what would that behaviour be called?"

So in other words, the BEHAVIOUR is naughty, NOT the child herself. Which is why we should try hard to word it that way instead of saying "you were naughty" but instead labeling the ACTIONS as naughty. "You DID something naughty."

In a child's mind, being told "you are a naughty girl!" is no different than being told "you are stupid/ugly/etc/" - it's a label being applied directly to who the child is which is wrong.

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We use a "time out" but we don't call it that. To get Hailey(16 mos.) to relax when she doesn't get her way or is acting up, we ask her if she "wants to sit". Usually that makes her stop, but if she doesn't then she sits....wherever we are. She stays there until she calms down and stops crying. She gives whoever put her there a hug when she is calm and then goes about the rest of her day.
She stays sitting for as long as it takes for her to calm down wether it's 1 min or 7 min. Sometimes it takes longer then others to relax....I don't think 1 min for each year is always the way to go. Another example of how different all kids are!

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"Time Out", "Thinking Chair" whatever you choose to call it or use, really only works if the child understands what he/she has done to earn that time. With my daughter, I tell her why she is going to "time out", set the timer. When the timer beeps, we talk about the offense. She says she is sorry, we hug and move on. I have found that putting the toy in time out is proving more effective at the moment and we are having less offenses. Warnings are enough. She does not like for her toys to be put in time out.
In public, counting with my fingers is all I have to do. I never get past holding up that second finger. (I am royally screwed when that stops working and I actually get to 3!) But, hey, I'm going with it while it works! I may have to come up with a whole new bag of tricks by the time the baby starts testing my patience, but I don't want to think about that yet!

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BTW, Stephania,(and all)thought ya might get a kick out of this. As our daughter was nearing her second birthday( and our preemie was nearing his homecoming0, my husband turned to me in complete seriousness one day in the car and said " Gabi will be 2 soon and we'll be able to reason with her, discipline will be no problem". I tried not to, but I laughed at the poor helpless man. I laughed so hard, I think I shot the water I had been drinking out of my nose and at the windshield. She is 31/2 and I still get a good chuckle at his expense when I'm having an especially hard day with her. If only reasoning worked. Does it ever? It doesn't even work with him!

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Ok, this one I may be able to help with. I've used fingers or counting aloud with great results in public (though I once had an employer ask me to stop as she wanted her children to listen the first time, not get a second or third opportunity). I've also had situations where I've counted to three, ok, it rarely happened but it it occasionally. What I did was simple, I scooped up the child (leaving the grocery cart or what ever I was in the middle of doing) and whisked the child out of there and to the car where I would buckle them into their car seat and do a time out that way with me sitting in the front seat obviously. If they threw a fit I'd wait for them to calm down, if they just sat through the time out I would treat it like a normal time out, talking them through it then giving them a hug. Then we would return to the store and finish what we were doing. I never let a childs behaviour stop me from doing what needed to be done, however I was fortunate in the sense that grocery shopping was always done in the morning so I didn't have to worry about time, unlike the afternoon when older kids had to be ferried around. Even if we hadn't finished the grocery shopping due to time constrants I always felt it was more important to deal with the behaviour issues immediatly rather then ignore them just to finish a task. If the child was a toddler though it's really easy to just put them in the front basket of a trolley, something the independent little tykes can't stand. Thank goodness for those trolleys with the plastic cars in front. I love those, though they are a b#%*h to steer. Always have a consequence that your prepared to follow through with as there is nothing that will set you back farther with regards to your childs behaviour than an empty threat, or promise for that matter.

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Thank goodness the silent finger counting still works for my 3 1/2 yr old. I don't generally have to do it more than once and I don't have to say anything. The look on my face and the first finger going up, then the second finger going up, she never lets it progress to the third finger.
Now, as for the experts who say to stop what you are doing and leave when a child throw a tantrum, I say they obviously only have one child. Because, it is too much of a hassle to get the preschooler and the baby/toddler ready to go, to the store, find a freaking cart to put both of them in(my store usually only has a couple, and you're lucky if the buckles work) steer that akward thing around. Between therapy sessions and doctors' appts, finding time for errands is not easy to begin with. If you think I am going home, only to have to start the whole darn process over again, I don't think so! We just go to a quiet corner of the store and have a talk. And, yes, sometimes, I am THAT mother with the screaming child in the grocery store getting the dirty looks! But, my daughter is 31/2, so with her it is getting better, now I have all that fun to look forward to with my son.. .

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You are right, you don't need a Naughty Spot, you could use a designated "spot" in your house. I wouldn't choose the crib because some children will have a bad association with the crib.

My company Moms on Edge http://www.momsonedge.com makes a product that competes with the one above. We have found that, as noted above, people don't need the product. However, they tell us (and I know from using it on my kids) that it is a very useful aide for the following reasons:

1. It provides consistency.

2. It is portable, so can be used consistently anywhere.

3. Ours happens to have a timer, which is also useful.

4. It flips over to say "I love you!" on the other side, and gives positive reinforcement while also reminding the parent to conclude any discipline positively.

Again, you certainly don't need this type of product, but it can be helpful for certain parents and certain situations. Please don't fault parents who want some help and support from behavioral aides.

Sincerely,

Elena Neitlich
Owner and Designer of The Original Naughty Spot
Moms on Edge

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I work at a nursery where we use rubber mats (the size of a dinner plate) for time out, they have sad faces drawn on them so that the children think about how they have made a person sad.
I have just bought a plain blue mat to use for time out at home. I will use the mat for my children to calm down and think about what they have done!
It shows them that actions have consequences!

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