Another voice in the feminist debate: what about the feelings of fathers who work?

My husband would LOVE to stay home with our kids. As a matter of fact, I'm back in school with the ulitmate goal of being the primary breadwinner in the family so he *can* stay home.

I feel so badly for him when, for example, I'm with the kids at the park or the zoo and he calls my cellphone and hears the fun in the background. He feels left out and sad that he can't do those things with the kids as often as I can.

He does tend to make the most of his time at home, though, and for that I think I'm one of the luckiest people on earth.

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I am a SAHM but I do have to do work in order to keep it this way. I love being here to watch my daughter in her earlier years, it's the best! Sometimes it's a double edge sword though. I try to keep up with the work load and still play and teach my daughter new things along the housework. It's a hard to keep all the balls in the air sometimes and I certainly don't want to neglect my daughter and defeat the whole purpose of being a stay at home mom.

Onto a different note of staying home - are there any fun places in the Hamilton Square area for kids to go and do some fun things? Cherry Hill seems to be loaded with places but it's kind of a hike.

Still working on my business so I can continue to be a SAHM and enjoy my little girl.

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This is one of the hardest things about parenting, I think. We fall into these "traditional" roles that we feel are so confining.

My husband would also love to stay home with our son. Unfortunately, he makes enough more than I did when I was working that he has to be the breadwinner right now. There are so many times when he comes home from work saying how he scared he might not be good enough at his job and that he might lose it for various reasons, and how it wouldn't be as stressful if we were both working. It really stresses him out.

Like your wife, I really feel bad sometimes (last night comes to mind) about how I claim that motherhood is SO HARD. It really is isolating but I wouldn't consider it mentally taxing. Emotionally, yes.

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As a mother who works full time away from home, and the wife of a man who gets to stay home (actually he runs his business from home) and spend his time with our 4 year old and our new twins, I can't imagine why we have not taken into account that Dad's who work, may just feel as guilty as any mom. My husband used to work for the first 2 years of our sons life... and he hated leaving in the morning... he would call at lunchtime not to talk to me, but for me to put the phone to our son's ear so he wouldn't forget his daddy while he was at work.

I commend all those men who work and they have always know what us mom's are just figuring out.... it sucks to have to leave your children every day.... it hurts to see the tears in their eyes and know you still have to go.....

Let's give a big hug to all those working parents

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my husband has never gone on a car trip alone with the sweetest boy, used a public changing table, or singlehandedly given him a bath. these are the joys he has missed out on solely b/c he is a GTWD.

he also does not have veto power and he gets funny looks if he questions a cry that i have translated. (does that make sense?) as in, if the boy cries and rubs his eyes and i start putting him to sleep, and he says "its because he has something in his eye" the course of action is not changed, he just gets a funny look.

all of it sucks for him, no doubt. but all of it sucks less than formula feeding the sweetest boy, or mommy pumping in public parking lots before assignments just to keep her milk up to avoid this crappy situation that mr. nice guy talked about

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Jess, this may be out of line, but *why* hasn't your husband "gone on a car trip alone with the sweetest boy, used a public changing table, or singlehandedly given him a bath"?

I'm a GTWD and I've done all of those things hundreds of times. I also take my kids to my mother's house quite often for long weekends without my wife *gasp*.

Your husband is as involved as he wants to be, or as involved as you let him be, NOT "solely b/c he is a GTWD".

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Ditto on what Chris said. My husband goes on outings with our son, gives him baths, gets to feed him, etc. I'll admit, our son is now over a year old, so feeding him isn't solely my responsibility anymore.

I think that men's feelings change when kids are slightly older. I know the first three months of our son's life, things were very hard with him (allergies, colic from hell, failure to thrive), so my husband actually thought of work as his escape, even though it wasn't better than home.

Now, though, our son has personality and is fun to watch develop and my husband feels bad about missing some of the big milestones.

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My husband and I have talked about this a lot lately. I stopped working because I felt it was my place to raise my children. Now, though, we are seriously considering having me go back to work (being at home seems to have added to my PPD, because I got out of the Navy right before I gave birth). Now, as my husband is still in the Navy, he has a good 5 years or so left until he can say no to reenlistment. But I know he'd stay home with the kids in a nanosecond if given the opportunity... and in a few years, he might just do it. He has spent the last few years (save for the last 5 mos or so) away for military reasons; I know he feels guilt, because he's torn between serving our country (a concept he cherishes), and being with his family (ditto). You know, I feel guilt because I want to go back to work; my husband feels guilt because he wants to be there for everything at home. Guilt blows.

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My husband has felt a lot of the same things, and luckily, I make more, and it's allowing us to be flexible in him staying with the kids most days, and likely going to part part time. He enjoys the kids, and can't imagine having to work full time.

It's hard, we sacrifice a lot and sometimes we suffer. But we wouldn't have it any other way. My husband has been able to witness more "firsts" than me. So we're lucky that neither of us feels this pain too much. We know people who do though.

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I thought Brian's post was beautiful, and that it was an important contribution to all these discussions about How We Parent. The Mommy Wars rhetoric has overemphasized the notion that ONLY the mommy can REALLY successfully meet a child's needs, which leaves women feeling like failures (no one can so it all, all the time) and men feeling left out (why bother even trying if you're just going to get 'the look'?). The only way to end the Mommy Wars (which are, after all, a creation of the media and not a real battle) is to include more voices like Brian's and to turn the conversation away from an obssession with who is the best mommy and toward a discussion of how parents of small--and big--children are working together to raise great kids.

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I'm really glad that you posted this. We don't often hear about the dads who work but want to stay home. My husband works full time while I stay home with our toddler. It's a situation that works well except for the fact that I really want to work and he would like to stay home. The only thing keeping us from switching roles is the fact that he can make so much more money than I can.

I was raised to believe that the traditional family roles were right for everyone and that god wanted women to be SAHMs and men to be GTWDs. It was quite a shock when I had a child and realized that those roles aren't ideal for my family. My husband is much better at "homemaking" type things and is more self-motivated. I'm horrible at "homemaking" stuff and am a better employee-- a quick learner and hard worker, especially when I'm being evaluated. I also have a greater need for intellectual stimulation.

The hardest thing for me about staying home is the lack of recognition or review. I LOVE getting good grades, good work reviews, big raises, etc. It's very fulfilling for me. Stay-at-home parenting is the type of job where you never get a grade or a review. There's no one there to tell you if you're doing a good job or not. My husband doesn't really care about that stuff and doesn't get a lot of fullfillment from getting a big raise or bonus.

It would be great if we could switch places except that he has finished his degree and has paid his dues to build up a good career, and I haven't done those things, so I can't financially support the family. We would also love it if we could both work part time and both stay home part time. Unfortunately, it's hard to get any benefits that way.

It's kind of tough to negotiate what's best for your family, and for now I think this is the best way for us. It may not be all that fulfilling for me, but it's giving me an opportunity to learn some skills that I otherwise would have avoided learning. In the future, when I've finished my degree and can make more money, I look forward to going back to work and giving my husband the chance to experience staying home full-time.

When I'm feeling optimistic, I realize that I'm very fortunate to be able to stay home with my child. Even though it's not my kind of thing, there will be time enough when my kids are grown to pursue a career. I think I'll be glad in the end that I had the opportunity to do both. I hope my husband will have the same opportunity.

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Punky,
I can completely understand how you feel about going to work. It makes me feel good to know my husband and I aren't the only ones who wish they could change roles!

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Of course, for a great many of us, there is no debate. Certainly not here in San Diego, which ranks in the top 5 most expensive places to live in the U.S., and last year hovered right around the number 28 mark in terms of comparable salary scales; of the 27% of the population who actually own a home, it's estimated that only 17% can technically afford it. I make an excellent living as a recruiter, my wife's a marketing manager, our combined salaries are well into the six-figure range, and we still can't afford to buy a house. The reality for a great many working parents, mom or dad, is that they both need to work.

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I'm so in favor of folks looking at Parenthood instead of Motherhood, and of accepting that parenthood is an experience rather than a concept. I think if people would start doing that, it would be far easier to accept that some people want to stay home and do, some want to work and do, and some want to do one or the other but it doesn't make sense for their family.
This whole idea of one-size-fits-all roles in parenting is so divisive, and it creates such feelings of inadequacy in all parties. I'm just sick of it.

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Punky, great point about how stay-at-home parents don't get paid, don't get reviewed, there's no accountability (except when CPS shows up at your doorstep).

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I like Dutch's call for a third path and a stop to trying to figure out who's got it harder than anybody else. An end to the mommy/daddy wars.

We really do need a "reasonable solution". Why do we HAVE to choose between work and family? I mean, it's wonderful that we (women and men) have that choice now, but there should be some viable way to have our cake and eat it too. I remember an attorney (a partner at her firm no less) turned SAHM saying to a breastfeeding group I was in "My firm didn't make it attractive to stay even though I wanted to find a way to keep working and care for my child. It would have been more profitable for the firm to keep me, but our society doesn't allow for someone who isn't totally committed to our jobs."

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My husband is far more suited to being the stay at home parent, but since he's been in the workforce for close to 10 years longer than I have, naturally his salary is the one that we need to keep. If we were within a year or two of the same work experience, he'd probably be the one at home.

That's probably the biggest complaint I hear from working parents at his company - they make too much to be a stay at home parent. I know that's a problem some people would love to have. I think it is hard on working dads and moms alike to know that if they let their spouse with the smaller salary be the breadwinner, they'd be giving up opportunities for their children. And I think that's something that would give any parent pause.

Unfortunately, my husband will probably have to wait until he's a grandpa to spend all week at home with the kids, since I would need my degree and 6-7 years of experience and hard work to make what he makes now.

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I like that quote Nina cites; I think a core issue is that our corporate culture does not permit anything less than 24/7 thinking about your job, if not 24/7 presence at your job. There is no work-life balance for anyone, with kids or not, unless you are able to effectively market yourself into a consulting role. That option isn't open to everyone.

I also am surprised by the number of comments that say "the partner that makes more is the one that works." I don't think decision making is that simple. My brother-in-law stayed home because my sister was in her medical residency (making $37K a year); he was making far more before he stayed home. I was making 30% more than my husband; I stay home because I wanted a career change and because he works in an industry where a few years out result in much more of a loss of skills. Yes, if you live in a very expensive area you may need two incomes or the larger income to survive, but if you have some flexibility isn't your family more than just its income?

I'd like to see the "third path" focus on how to get our corporate culture to accept flexible workers, and on how to get our larger culture to measure success in terms other than just money.

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We live in a pretty expensive area, and were lucky that we bought our townhouse when we did. If we were on my salary alone, we could afford an apartment with a hefty commute if we wanted to live in a good neighborhood.

My husband also has a decent bit of leeway as to when he has to be in the office 4 days a week. It's a job that doesn't really require much in the way of overtime, and they're pretty family friendly. If I'm too sick to take care of Paul, it's not a big deal for him to work from home that day.

During our crunch times, I was in the office from 6am-6pm a lot of days, and on weekends. Because it was a small mom and pop company, I couldn't really take a sick day without being there early/late on other days, or on weekends so I didn't fall behind.

If Paul had come when we planned (around 2010), my husband would be staying home. But given our work situations in 2004, it was pretty much a no brainer when we decided I would be the one who was staying home. At least in my circle of friends, it seems like the bigger salary tends to include better benefits, and are more family friendly.

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I would *SO* love to stay at home with the kids. My wife and I both work, but she has the advantage that she loves what she does (addicted to it is more accurate). Unfortunately, as a school teacher she makes squat (no raise in six years, but they cut the health benefits so her net pay has gone down by $300+/mo). I, while not making as much as I once did, still make almost 40% more than she does.

Yes, I feel like I'm missing out on everything. Rachel has the summers off, but I don't. She gets to play with them and watch them grow; I get to come home just in time to feed them and put them to bed. It totally sucks. I would love to have summers off, at least, so we could spend that time together as a family. Unfortunately, you do have to have a college degree and a credential to teach and I have neither. With a San Francisco mortgage, we can't afford not to work -- we barely make it as it is. We could sell the house here and buy a bigger one elsewhere outright, but all the extended family is here, so that's not an option.

So unless I can figure out a way to put 4-5 mil in the bank, I am stuck working instead of watching my kids grow. And yes, it sucks to high heaven.

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