Another voice in the feminist debate: what about the feelings of fathers who work?

Missy said...
"There are so many times when he comes home from work saying how he scared he might not be good enough at his job and that he might lose it for various reasons..."

There is a *huge* responsibility upon the sole or primary breadwinner (regardless of gender) to keep that income coming in. I sure as hell feel it.

Jess...
I have taken my kids (both of them) out by myself -- I do so regularly when we volunteer at a local nursing home. It gives my wife a chance to sleep, relax, or catch up on her schoolwork. I've changed more diapers than I can count (at home and elsewhere), and even gotten in the bath with the two of them. My son showers with me every day he goes to school, and a lot of the other days too. If my daughter is awake, she gets in on the fun too.

My wife and I take turns with the kids. We have to work as a team; the kids are certainly in cahoots.

Jenny...
I think the reason the parent with the higher salary is the one that works is because these days it's hard enough to make it on one salary without adding in the the challenge of it being the lesser salary. My wife and I need both our salaries (and then some, it seems) just to make it.

As for the work-life balance... I took a pay cut (not much less, but more of it tied up in retirement stuff and such) to work for a company that is far more family-friendly than my prior one. I work from home one day a week, they don't have a problem with me ducking out once a month to be the "snack dad", and they don't really care what time I get in the office so I can drop my son off at preschool on the way in. Such companies are out there, but you have to look for them and they definitely, in my experience, tend to be the smaller companies.

Reply

Jenny, I think I understand where you're coming from, saying that the decision about who works doesn't have to depend solely on salary. However, I think that for most people, it's not just more money that is the driving force. It's the difference between raising your kids in a house with a yard versus a tiny apartment, living in a safe neighborhood versus a dangerous one, and being able to have that extra to pay for things like music lessons or a trip to the zoo.

Higher paying jobs also come with more paid vacation and sick days, in my experience, so we have more opportunities to be together as a family when he works than we would if I were working. One of the best things for me about the money my husband is making, though, is that we can save up enough to take the unpaid FMLA time off next time we have a child. That way we can live on savings and be together during that child's first few months. Money isn't just money, it's opportunity.

I do think that there are times when it's better to sacrifice some money in order to do the best for your family. However, I think most people are trying to make the most money they can because they want to be able to provide for their kids and just get by. At my best, I'd probably make about $20,000 a year less than my husband does. With a loss like that, we'd have to cut out a lot of things that we think are important for our child to have, and we might not be able to stay out of debt. I doubt that many people have enough flexibility to take a huge financial cut and still be able to pay the bills. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

Reply

What has been described in this discussion board as a dilemma between the "feminist ideal" and the traditional role of motherhood doesn't even begin to address the material condition of so many parents (mostly mothers) who simply will never have the same choices outlined in these postings. Choices regarding which parent will occupy the role of "primary breadwinner" versus "homemaker" are simply not available to the majority of single-parents. I am grateful each and every day that as a full-time student, my partner has the flexiblity to stay with one of our children when they are ill, when their child development center is closed, or just when they start to give us indicators that they need more of our time. I don't think of myself as the "primary breadwinner" and I don't think of him as the "homemaker." We are simply two people who have committed to make best decisions for our children and our material condition allows that with a little sacrafice we can make choices and create flexibility necessary to mitigate the harsh impact of the institutional daycare influence. I've seen too many middle-class parents look down their noses at single parents who take their children to one of those god-aweful franchise kiddie warehouses because if they don't work then nobody eats and the family ends up homeless. Has it ever occured to anyone caught up in this "Dad versus Mom at home dillemma" to examine the rhetoric surrounding the whole welfare reform debate from the mid 1990s and ask yourself why we hold two different standards for the working poor compared to middle class families? Why are poor women shamed if they express a desire to say home with their children and middle class women shamed if they express the opposite sentimate? I wander how our witless leadership in Washington DC would have reacted to the "welfare Dad's" request to receive public assistance so that he could focus on raising well-adjusted children? The feminist ideal isn't about determining who will stay home with the children based on the gender of the parent. In fact, there is no one "feminist ideal." But my ideal of feminism in practice is that we are willing to pursue public policy that promotes the highest quality and quantity of choices possible so that all women regardless of socio-economic class, race, ethnicity or religious belief can exercise a bit of self-determination when it comes to directing the course of their lives and the lives of the children that they bring into this world. Frankly, please don't take offense personally, but the arguments posted from the so-called frustrated feminists are simiply not a valid characterization of what "feminism" represents in that it fails to understand that "the personal is political" but sometimes the individual must move beyond their personal condition to understand the broader political condition.

Reply

Great post. My wife was a SAHM for five years, now it my turn (a SAHD for a 1 1/2 year). For us, taking turns is somewhat of a "third way".

I had tremendous guilt when I was a GTWD--I really wanted to be with my kids more. Here's to the GTWDs!

Reply

When we found out my wife was pregnant in 2003, she pretty much declared that she was tired of punching a clock and following the little piece of cheese around the maze. We heavily re-arranged our lives so as to allow her to be a SAHM, and she says she considers it a gift to be able to focus entirely on being a mother and creating out home; she has excellent interior design skills if I do say so, and is the house budgeteer and money keeper too, and we're better off for it.

I consider it my utmost responsibility to continue to provide the stay-at-home option for my wife, because frankly, for many wives, it's not an option. My only regret is that, due to full time work and full time school and Army Reserve, there are days whem I don't see either my wife or daughter much at all!

One thing we agreed to early on was that I would be the night guy, meaning my wife is officially off duty as soon as I get home, and is not back on duty until both she and my daughter are awake the next morning, after I am gone to work. My wife is an insomniac and has never slept well or easily, so the constant up-down travails of having small children in the home at night quickly rob her of all sleep and, of course, all sanity.

As the night parent, I feel like I have managed to capture a lot of special moments that might otherwise have passed me by. Yes, it's sometimes frustating going to work on far less sleep than I'd prefer, but you can't replace those moments when, in the quiet deepness of the night, your daughter calls for you and you pick her up and lay her into your shoulder and she clings to your arm and chatters pleasantly sleepy toddler nonsense into your ear.

I heartily suggest that all dads married to SAHMs give this a try. At first you think the lack of sleep will kill you. But you adjust, and pretty soon you learn to love it, because when you are stuck on the job or in the classroom or in uniform somewhere, missing your family, you can flash back to those times in the night when your little one(s) needed you the most, and you were there for them.

I think this is why my daughter is not afraid of the dark, nor does she ever seem to have bad or disturbing dreams. Night is not a threat to her because Daddy is always there: watching over and caring for and protecting.

Reply

BUSINESS PROPOSAL LETTER.
We have all brands of Mobile Phones,Ipods,Sidekicks,Nextels phone,Laptops for sell at cheap and
affordable prices, they ranges from Nokia/Samsung/LG/Sony Ericsson/Motorola/Alcatel/panasonic With Bluetooth, all Brands and Models of Nextel Phones,XBOX 360S and IPODS,we want you to get back to us with your quote so that we can begin a good business relationship. Note they are all Brand New T2 Euro specs, unlocked, no operator logo, come in their original sealed box, With 1 year
international warranty from the manufacturer, English & Spanish manual, Finland made. We want to assure you that you will never regret buying from us because the delivery will be to your doorstep via FedEx Courier service.And the Tracking number shall be sent to you upon acknowledgement of your payment. Kindly acknowledge the reciept of our mail and get back to
us at vallenmobiles@hotmail.com

PLAY STATION 1 AT JUST $100USD
PLAY STATION 2 AT JUST $140USD

We also have al kinds of xbox 360s for sale

Apple 20 GB iPod Nano......$60.00USD
Apple 4 GB iPod Mini Pink M9435LL/A ......$70.00USD
Apple 40 GB iPod photo......$80.00USD
Apple 4 GB iPod Mini Silver M9160LL/A ....$70.00USD
Apple 60 GB iPod Photo M9830LL/A......$100.00USD
Apple 60 GB iPod photo .....$55.00USD
Apple 30 GB iPod Photo M9829LL/A.......$95.00USD
Apple 512 MB iPod Shuffle MP3 Player......$50.00USD
Apple 4 GB iPod Mini Blue M9436LL/A.......$70.00USD
Apple 2 GB iPod Nano.....$90.00USD
Apple 60 GB iPod Vidoe....$150.00USD
Apple 30 GB iPod Vidoe......$110.00USD
Apple 60 GB iPod Vidoe....$150.00USD


NEXTEL 1930 ................$120USD
NEXTEL 1960 ...............$130USD
NEXTEL i870 ...............$140usd
NEXTEL 1860 ...............$110USD

SAMSUNG SCH i830 .............$220USD
SAMSUNG SGH D720 .............$170USD
SAMSUNG D500 .................$160USD
SAMSUNG i300 .................$170usd
SAMSUNG K800i.................$180usd

MOTOROLA V3 RAZ ................$150USD
MOTOROLA MPX 220 ............... $120USD
MPX 300 .........................$150USD

SIDEKICK 2 ....................$120USD
SONYERICSSON W900 ..............$190USD
SONYERICSSON W800...............$170usd
SONYERICSSON P910...............$140USD
SONYERICSSON P800 ...............$130USD
SONYERICSSON K750i ..............$110USD

NOKIA 8800 .....................$170USD
NOKIA 9500 .....................$190USD
NOKIA 9300 .....................$180USD
NOKIA N70 .....................$150USD
NOKIA N80 .....................$170USD
NOKIA N90 .....................$190USD
NOKIA N91 .....................$210USD
NOKIA N92 ....................$230USD
NOKIA E60 .....................$160USD
NOKIA E61 .....................$180USD

for more details contact vallenmobiles@hotmail.com

Reply

Thank you for posting this. I am a single father who works and I am very tired of hearing about women's oppression, the horrors of gender roles etc. on the mothers' boards. Society seems to care very little about fathers these days, much to the detriment of many of the children I see at my daughters' school. Many of these kids seem starved for a male role model in their lives, but this is a very un-PC observation to bring to the attention of many women, who often respond violently to any reference at all to this phenomenon, unfortunately.

Reply