Elementary school politics: how little can I participate?

Oh, the PTA/O. I tried to get involved at the beginning of this year (my oldest son is in kindergarten) and got a sort of "oh, you want to help, isn't that sweet...(pat, pat, patting my hand) vibe. I'm thinking that I'm not going to make any inroads with those moms because (a) I don't drive a Denali, and (b) we don't belong to the country club.

On the other hand, my son is the type of kid that's friends with pretty much everyone, so I don't worry too much, but, oh wait, I do worry. I haven't really tried to navigate the playdate waters for his friends, but lately I've been thinking that I need to make more of an effort in that direction. This summer will be an experiment with that, I guess.

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wow. At my kids' elementary school, the coolest kids were the ones whose dads volunteered in their classrooms (I was one, and I wasn't alone!)

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You mentioned not feeling very "committed" to her school. It's not about being committed to the school. There is another aspect to being involved in school. It's about the students. And more specifically, about our own students. In my opinion, being invovled in the school and in the classroom shows our children the importance and value that we place on their education.

I want to know how these mothers are managing to arrange playdates on school days. My first grader has homework. He had homework last year in Kindergarten. Between homework, eating dinner and getting dressed for bed, I don't know how he'd have time for a playdate after school.

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I don't do too well with the ladies of the PTC here. I tried. I'm just too much the square peg and tilter at windmills for them. I pay my dues faithfully, contribute to school projects, attend the fundraisers,and sign the volunteer list every time. They've never called me to help. Oh well.

On the other hand, I'm very involved with the girls' education; sometimes probably more than the school would like.

The PTA (or PTC) in some schools may be very different. Here, it's a clique. They beg for members but deep down I think they're much happier running the show themselves. I'm happy to let them.

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You don't have to get invovled in the PTA to be an involved parent. Just help out at school in ways that are meaningful to you. I absolutely love the bookfairs our school does, so I'm always a part of them. And I've made several friends just through the bookfairs and helping out at classroom parties. I'm a member of the PTA, but I have never been to a meeting.

I only do playdates maybe twice a week, and I make sure there's not a lot of homework on those nights. We usually end the playdate by 5:00 or 5:30. That way, my daughter gets her very needed social time and still has time for homework and bedtime routines.

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Stephanie - What time does she get home from school? My son gets home about 3:50 each afternoon. Homework literally can take ALL NIGHT for us sometimes.

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There are other ways to get involved with other parents. Have you considered scouting or maybe helping out with a youth group? I don't have any experience with youth groups, but it seems like a good activity to get involved in.

When I was a kid, I was pretty active in girl scouting. It was something that last an hour, hour and a half each week. We had a troop leader, and assistant troop leader. Parents were welcome to drop by and help with the meeting or volunteer for camping trips or field trips. Our moms are still good friends today, even if most of us drifted apart after high school.

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I have to state this strongly - forget your hesitation and get involved with the school. At least know her teachers and a few parents.

My mother NEVER interacted at school. She was a young mother- she was 17 and pregnant in 1976. By the time she had to take my sister to kindergarten she was only 21 (my sister went to school early). The teacher looked down on my mother and my mother never looked back.

She did not go to one single parent conference or parent night. She'd go to my activities, but she wouldn't interact with the school at all and I have to say that my sisters and I suffered for it. I was actually able to convince my high school for 4 years that we didn't have a phone and my parents didn't get wise to it until my little sister got in BIG trouble and they found my moms work number.

And being friends with other mothers? Forget it. My mother was never rude, but she interacted as little as possible with other parents because she was so much younger and felt out of place.

Look at your little girl and suck it up for her sake, please. Most people are really fake to make a good first impression. Maybe you'll find someone worth knowing if you take the time to get know them. I totally sympathize with you - I hate the "soccer mom" stereotype - however, it is just a stereotype.

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I'm a member of our school council. Vice-Chair in fact. Not because I'm all cliqueyjoiny, but because I thought it was important to invest in Diva Girl's school. I wanted to know what was going on (which is largely a bunch of incredibly boring blather about fundraisers), and I wanted the Principal to view me as a presence in the school community (especially since we attend on a boundary waiver.)

I don't think it's a good place to make friends though. The school mommy friends I made, I made while hanging outside dropping my kid off or picking her up from kindergarten. They're not as tight a group as you and your Preschool Mommies are, Melissa, but I can definitely count on them for a pinchhit pickup or emergency lunchtime. Funny, now that I think of it, DG only plays with one child of a woman in my momposse. The rest of her friends and mine don't really connect. So I don't think it's not about plugging into the "scene" to facilitate Max's social life. I think maybe it's about making yourself and the kids a bit available for it to happen if that makes sense?

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Well, if you're really lucky, you'll meet one supercool Mom who is already connected to a circle of equally cool moms.

What? It could happen.

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I agree with Ann Adams. My kids have attended several schools in two different states, both public and private. In my experience, the professional school moms, the ones that hang out after the kids go to class, are there hours before pickup time, are always in the classrooms, and basically have no lives outside of their kid's elementary schools are extremely cliqueish and do not want other people to volunteer to help. You put your name down, and you just don't get called. Every field trip it's the same group of moms that attend, and no matter how far in advance you volunteer, they just don't call you if you're not in the clique.

However, as your kids get older, this cliquishness tends to abate. Middle schools DO NOT WANT parents in the schools. I'm not sure why, but you're not welcome there, they don't allow classroom volunteers, they don't have parent escorts on field trips, and so the professional parents have to find some other way of participating, which usually is by taking their kids to every afterschool activity on the planet. By high school, it changes again. The high schools welcome you with open arms, and it's not a clique, it's just a bunch of older, wiser parents who have their friends already and don't need to crowd out the other moms. Much more welcoming. For example, our high school has always asked underclass parents to chaparone the afterprom parties, and people jump at the chance. I'm doing it this year, much to my kid's embarassment.

I did volunteer in the classroom in elementary school, doing reading and writing workshops on a weekly basis, but anything that really needed to be done was always taken by the few professional moms. I used to be hurt by it, but now I see it as a group of women who really needed to hold onto their kids, even when they were under the supervision of the school. I find that a bit distressing now, well after the fact.

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momma2mingbu:

My daughter gets home around 3:40, so if we do a playdate, it's only for about an hour and 15 minutes. But it's better than nothing.
She has homework every night, except weekends, but it's not usually overly difficult or time-consuming. She gets a "packet" every Monday that is due on Friday. It's 4-5 pages and then she gets a one-page math sheet to do every day. She often gets the packet done on Monday or Tuesday to free up playtime later in the week.
But she's in second grade. Last year it was harder to find time for playdaters because of her homework.She seems to have found her groove this year. Hang in there. I remember thinking that the homework was a little too much last year sometimes, but she's already developing good study habits and it's not comsuming all of her afterschool time.
If your son is spending an hour (or more) on his homework on a regular basis, I'd talk to his teacher about it. Either the teacher is assigning too much homework or your son may be struggling with something in particular. My friend's daughter had similar problems with homework last year and they found out she was having some trouble with reading. She was paired up with a reading specialist and she very quickly had an easier time with her homework. I'd check into it if I were you. Hours of homework in first grade isn't right.

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My parents were never very involved with my school stuff except for attending sportning events, plays, etc. that my brother and I were in.

I can see the disadvantages I suppose, but the one big advantage to me is that I learned to be very self-sufficient. I may not have really enjoyed it at the time, but now I see that it helped me learn to deal with things on my own.

Now, I understand there is a happy medium between being a "helicopter parent" (you know the over-involved type who calls the principal when you get a bad grade or makes excuses for you) and a totally non-participatory parent who doesn't know what grade your in, but if the point of raising kids is to get a self-sufficient, responsible adult at the end of it, I wouldn't stress about not being too involved. It may work out being the best thing for your kids.

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ROTFL....no...sorry...my son isn't struggling with his homework. At least not the academic part of it. He is just distracted and won't do it. He is struggling with having the discipline to sit down and do the work. He is reading at a 5th grade 4th month level and is in first grade. His math skills are advanced but I don't know what level he is at. He is being recommended for an accelerated classroom for next year.

If anything, his homework is too easy for him. I am certain it feels like a waste of time to him to do it some nights. Just this week we are starting a new system where his dad will pay him 10 cents each night that his homework is done before dinner. We'll see how that works. I am hoping that more challenging work next year will help him to develop some better homework habits.

If he will sit down and do the math without letting a breeze distract him, he can do it in a few minutes. (Yet if he is interested in something, like a computer game or a book he is reading, his attention span is amazing.)

Spelling takes longer as he hates to write words. We have gotten permission to write sentences and stories and focus on the challenge words instead of copying the regular words. I have to take dictation from him and then read the story back so he can write it down himself. (His brain goes faster than he can write and this is the only way to accomplish his homework that we have found.)

Twice a week he has to read outloud to his dad or me. We have to spend time telling him to speak up, read slowly, loudly, clearly. (He is being evaluated for speech therapy right now.)

We struggle to find time for the boy to even take a shower or a bath most of the time. I can't even imagine how we would work in playdates during the week. I hope next year is better.

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Very interesting post. I don't have school-aged kids yet. I do hope I can find a balance between staying involved in their schools and not having to hang out with the "PTA moms". But my memory of school growing up was not that the kids with the super-involved moms were the popular ones (though they may have been) but that they were the MEAN ones who were every bit a clique-ish as their parents. My mom worked days so she didn't volunteer in class or go on field trips, but my dad did. He did, that is, until he figured out that the teachers would always assign him the most poorly behaved children on trips or in group projects thinking that a man could handle them better. Clearly, they didn't know my dad too well!

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Sorry, momma2mingbu. I should refrain from offering unsolicited advice.
Next year should be better if he's more challenged. I'll offer one more small suggestion, then no more...have you tried using a kitchen timer? It works wonders for motivating out daughter to do something quickly (she's the queen of pokiness!). Might be something else to try along with the money incentive.

And I must admit that the bath has taken a backseat to all of the homework, dance classes and social stuff for my daughter lately.

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