Sweet dreams: teaching babies to fall asleep on their own

by Charlene Prince Birkeland (Subscribe to Charlene Prince Birkeland's posts) Mar 9th 2006 2:01PM

Categories: Babies, Development, That's Entertainment, Bedtime

Parenthood has always been synonymous with sleep deprivation. Everyone likes to ask parents on newborns or infants if their baby is sleeping through the night. But does anyone ever ask you if your baby is able to fall asleep on his own? Not likely, and sometimes that's even a bigger challenge than having your child sleep through the night.

My nine-month-old son, Q., is a good sleeper. We have nights of long stretches of sleep, and nights with frequent wakings. But he can't fall asleep on his own. Why? I've been nursing him to sleep since birth. Now, as he approaches his first birthday and my milk supply begins to dwindle, I'm coming to the harsh reality that I need to teach him how to fall asleep independently. My reasons are many. They start with my desire to discontinue nursing shortly after he turns one, and end with the fact that he could be so tired that he will force himself to stay awake and wait, wait, wait for his mama. He'll wait FOUR HOURS for me. Then when I nurse him - he's fast asleep within 1 minute. It's tough being the only one who can comfort him or put him down at bedtime. I revolve my outings around his naps - not that he's sleeping, but that I am required to send him to la-la land. And now that my milk supply is decreasing, sometimes I can't even get him to sleep for his afternoon nap.

It's my own doing, I created this habit of him associating falling asleep with nursing. And yes, perhaps the comfort of being snuggled up with mama is what he needed. But now, I've got to help undo it. I'm not a cry-it-out kinda gal - I can only handle about five minutes of listening to a wailing baby. I've been re-reading the "Pick Up/Put Down" method from The Baby Whisperer and also reading Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Sleep Solution.

No matter which method we end up using, I have a feeling tears will be shed - by him and me.

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Comments (35)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Tara 3-09-2006 @ 2:20PM

Have you read any books by Dr. Sears? www.askdrsears.com
My daughter also is nursed to sleep. She too will stay up all night long--as long as I'm up she is up with me. She has now at 16 months fallen asleep on her own a few times. I still nurse her as I believe she will wean when she is ready.
There is nothing wrong with what you have done. There are so many positives of nursing to sleep.

suburban misfit 3-09-2006 @ 2:23PM

You didn't directly ask for advice, but I was in your position when my son was coming up on his first birthday, and what we ended up doing worked so well for him that we tried it again with our daughter and it worked for her, too!

I knew that the weaning was at hand, and I didn't have the fortitude to Feberize (plus he'd throw up if he got himself worked up). I read somewhere that kids who have "loveys" can put themselves to sleep much better than those who don't. He didn't have anything (other than me), so we started looking around for something we could introduce. We settled on a musical Classic Pooh Bear stuffed animal. You'd wind the winder and it'd play the "Winnie the Pooh" song. So, every time I nursed him to sleep, I'd wind up the bear and hold it by his feet. We did that for about a week. Then I let him hold it while nursing, for about 2 weeks. One day, at nap time, I nursed him and kept him awake (I kept tickling his feet) and when I put him in bed I wound up the bear, put it in his crib and left the room. He was asleep in three minutes, no crying.

Now, yes, we had to occasionally re-wind the bear at bedtime, but one night (I can't remember how old he was, but it was before his second birthday) we heard the music start to slow...and then we heard winding! He had wound it by himself! He had Pooh at bedtime until he was probably 5 or 6. The winder fell out just after his third birthday, but he didn't mind then.

With my daughter, we decided we didn't want to have to re-wind something. We found a silky-blankety thing and introduced it the same way. I also slept with it for a few nights before the big night. Worked like a charm. She still takes "silky" to bed, and she'll be 6 in April.

Good luck, whatever you do!

Kim 3-09-2006 @ 2:37PM

We're in almost the same boat, except that Oliver doesn't nurse to sleep for naps. He has nursed to sleep at nighttime forever though. I finally decided to change the routine three nights ago and it's working surprisingly well. We're coming to the end of our nursing too and I also want to make going to bed easier for his dad and/or any babysitters we use in the future.

The old routine was to change his diaper, put on his lotion, and put on pajamas, dimming the lights a little bit during each step in this process. Then nurse to sleep.

Here's our new routine:
1. Diaper change, lotion and pajamas
2. Nurse as long as he wants but not letting him fall asleep
3. Read a book or two, always including "The going to bed book"
4. Go into the bathroom to brush teeth
5. Return to his room, dim the lights, and rock for a few minutes.

Oliver seems to "get it" as soon as I dim the lights. Thumb goes in mouth, other hand grabs either his ear or my ear, and he lays his head on my shoulder, all while I'm walking from the light switch to the rocking chair. I won't say it has been painless or tear-free, but it's okay and getting better. I just hope going on vacation doesn't set us back

Please keep us posted on how it goes and what you find works for you and Q!

foodmomiac 3-09-2006 @ 2:46PM

I went through this a couple of weeks ago with my little Max. He is now 7 months old. I needed to transition him from sleeping in my bed to sleeping in his crib. And, I wanted to get him sleeping better - he had gotten used to waking up nearly four times a night! I was exhausted, and my husband and I were separated, so it was just me.
Anyway, I used the book called Sleeping through the Night by Jodi Mindell, and that really helped me (I used it for my older daughter as well). It's not as harsh as Ferber, but there is a little bit of crying (and I know this isn't for everyone!!!). He never cried longer than 5-10 minutes, though, and I would go in every few minutes while he was crying. We had a tough week, but now he is sleeping through the night, and he goes to sleep on his own with a cute little smile. We have a very set routine; book, say goodnight to everything in the room, lay in crib, song. I also employed the special "lovey" trick that Suburban Misfit used. He has a really tall knit cat that he hugs. It's always in his crib.
One of the tricks from the book that I really liked was to make the room just as it will be when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night. So, if baby will have all lights off and no music at 2am, he should go to sleep in that same environment. I think this really helps the baby to self-soothe back to sleep if he wakes up in the middle of the night.
Also, this whole process was a little easier with my son than with my daughter. She was still nursing when we started putting her to bed awake, so when she awoke at night, I would nurse her. She woke up once a night (at least) until she was over a year old. Max was weaned a month ago, and I think the fullness in his belly from the formula has helped him to sleep longer stretches. Also, a bottle is not as comforting as a boob, so it's less enticing for him, LOL.

mimimom 3-09-2006 @ 3:00PM

My sister had great luck with an elmo doll, a similar experience to what Suburban misfit wrote. I think that really is the best route to take and I'm about to embarke on it myself! I frequently give my son a bottle right before bed to "tank-him-up" so he sleeps through the night without getting hungry. But I realize that this can't go on since at some point soon he's going to be done with formula and will need an altrenate method of getting to sleep. Right now, when he wakes up in the middle of the night I find myself walking around in circles for almost an hour with him in my arms - this obviously can't go on much longer - although I must say my arms are getting a good workout . . .

clickmom 3-09-2006 @ 3:03PM

As a Mom who is past the nursing to sleep stage, my own are 5,9,and13, I just want to remind you that kids grow up too fast and by not allowing your child to nurse you are prematurely weaning him. Your milk supply is likely waning because you have not been around to nurse him. A year is a short time to nurse, and you and your child will both continue to reap the physical and emotional benefits of this relationship for as long as you nurse him. You know that the longer you nurse the more protection you both get from a whole laundry list of diseases right?

You have come this far, why not go all the way and nurse him until he weans with no crying or sleepless nights? They all wean eventually. Believe it or not, some day he will be ready, just not now.

momma2mingbu 3-09-2006 @ 3:18PM

Yep...agree with clickmom. They all do wean themselves eventually. And there is really nothing wrong with continuing to nurse to sleep for as long as you are both happy with it. It's very normal. (Why do you feel your supply is dwindling, BTW?)

The AAP recommends nursing *at least* 12 months. Breastmilk (or formula) should be the main source of nutrition for the entire first year. Solids are mostly for fun and practice.

Tara 3-09-2006 @ 3:23PM

Yes, I too agree and that is why I suggested dr.Sears because basically they say the same thing clickmom and momma2mingbu

charlene prince birkeland 3-09-2006 @ 3:33PM

click mom - you couldn't be more wrong. i work from home with my son at home. i nurse on demand 24/7. my milk supply is decreasing because my milk supply is decreasing. why is it assumed that losing a milk supply is completely in my control? my body is ready to stop producing milk. period. that happens, you know.

no, i'm not happy with my son being dependent on me to sleep. it's not healthy for him or me when he is tired, needs to sleep, but can't because i may be unavailable.

as i said in my post, i plan to nurse him 12 months. my point with this story is that he needs to learn how to sleep on his own. it's not about me breastfeeding, or weaning and please don't turn it into that by making assumptions. instead of providing comments on why i should continue breastfeeding, i'd appreciate it if you could keep this focused on the topic - getting your baby to fall asleep independent of nursing.

thank you.
charlene

Kate 3-09-2006 @ 3:36PM

No advice or success stories here - just want to wish you luck and ask you to keep us posted on how things go. I think i did just about everything wrong with my daughter as far as instilling good sleep habits goes - she's two now and still has problems. I'm not going to make the same mistakes again!

Tara 3-09-2006 @ 3:46PM

WOW--sheesh. When I read the tears part, I was thinking that you were thinking this is something you HAD to do. So I was trying to say you could continue to nurse and there is nothing with that and that if a child is tired enough they will fall asleep and they will also wean on their own. I guess I don't see where you thought anyone said your milk supply was your fault???? And frankly, it is getting frustrated trying to post on these things--thinking that you helping someone and be kind from the heart, just to find out it isn't what someone wanted to hear.

charlene prince birkeland 3-09-2006 @ 3:55PM

tara - i'm sorry. i'm not trying to be hostile here. clickmom specifically said "Your milk supply is likely waning because you have not been around to nurse him." That is not the case and it's NOT the point.

i am always hesitant to write a post that has anything to do with breastfeeding because despite the content, it always turns into a firestorm of comments about why the mom should continue nursing. that's all well and good, and yes, i appreciate comments. if this post were about my son prematurely weaning and me needing advice and support on keeping him on the boob, YES - BY ALL MEANS tell me how to do it. but telling me to keep nursing - when i'm writing about sleep training - and telling me the benefits of breastfeeding, assuming i don't already know that - well, it's frustrating.

charlene

AJ 3-09-2006 @ 3:57PM

What I enjoy most about my daughter's bedtime routine is that after she kisses and hugs mom and dad, she pats our shoulders, right and then left. Sometimes both shoulders at once. I don't know why.

Tara 3-09-2006 @ 4:01PM

Ok, I now understand. I see where you are coming from and now understand why you were upset about the supply comment. I just took it different. I'm not pushing breastfeeding at all when I say this--Dr. Sears has a new book called "THE SLEEP BOOK" It is good, I have it and although they lean toward longer breastfeeding, self weaning--it does NOT push that on you. It does give specific ideas and I feel is a good overall for anyone no matter the parenting philosophy.

charlene prince birkeland 3-09-2006 @ 4:12PM

thanks tara:) i appreciate it. i'll definitely take a look at the Dr. Sears book.

Mandie 3-09-2006 @ 4:14PM

Sleep training..I wish someone would have told me how important it is years ago.
Up until just a few months ago my now 6yo had very bad sleep habits. She couldn't sleep through the night, not because of weaning, or bad dreams, or growing pains but because she would wake up and miss me. Because my husband worked nights since she was born it became necessary for me to keep my sanity to begin "the Family Bed". After trying many ideas/ reading scores of books she is thankfully now in her own room with her beloved blankie and still she wakes up sometimes to creep into my room and crawl into bed because she "woke up and missed me". I love this even though I haven't slept through the night in six years.
However she is getting the broken side of recommended 10 hours and I hope this sleep pattern doesn't hurt her daytime performance as she gets older. I channel strength to all parents to teach healthy sleep habits early.

Julia 3-09-2006 @ 4:16PM

I wish the bloggers wouldn't get upset whenever someone disagrees with them. Why o why don't they just call this "Blogging for MAINSTREAM parents" and get it over with. Anytime I or others have posted comments that a blogger doesn't agree with, they get their panties in a bunch. God forbid someone questions what you write about.

momma2mingbu 3-09-2006 @ 4:24PM

Agree that the part about tears being shed by both of you makes it sound like something that you aren't completely happy about or sold on doing.

It's kind of all wrapped up, one thing within the other, since breastfeeding is the only way he falls asleep right now. You've said that you hope to nurse for at least 12 months. If that is your goal, something to keep in mind while working out this sleep issue - if you already feel your supply is dwindling, cutting out nursing to sleep may make it dwindle faster. (And your milk supply decreasing is something that can be reversed, so in a way it is in your control if you do want to try to do something about it.) If you really do want to insure that you can nurse until he is at least a year, you may want to consider waiting a couple more months to completely phase out nursing to sleep in order to protect the supply that you have now...doing it very slowly and gently to minimize any impact on your supply.

You might want to consider coming up with some kind of "lovey" that you offer to him to hold while you are nursing during that time. Then, hopefully, he will begin to have that association with it as well and it could make weaning from nursing to sleep easier.

I'm assuming that his dad or someone else has tried to put him to sleep on some occasions? What have they tried? Knowing what HASN'T worked in place of nursing may make offering ideas of how to get him to sleep without mom's help more productive. Without know what else has been tried, my first thoughts would be -

Begin to develop a bedtime routine. Start with a nice, warm bath with lavendar oil or lavendar soaps and lotions, etc. Maybe a couple of quiet books or songs. Then, you could nurse him until he is drowsy but not quite asleep yet. Try laying him down that way. It might be easier to lay down with him and slide away from him as opposed to taking him to a bed and putting him down. (And when you latch him off, slide one finger under his chin and press firmly up as you take the nipple away. Sometimes this helps them not realize they have lost the nipple once they are in that drowsy state.)

OR have someone else (Dad?) do the bath and then offer him a bottle of pumped milk in a nice, dim, quiet room. Maybe even wearing him in a sling and walking around while they feed him. (Some babies really like that motion and rhythm.) If you introduced the lovey during nursing sessions, try letting him have that while the other caregiver/parent is trying to put him to sleep.

I'd recommend checking out both the Pantley book as well as one called "Sweet Dreams" by Dr. Paul Fleiss. Throw away the Baby Whisperer.

momma2mingbu 3-09-2006 @ 4:27PM

And the other question I forgot to ask.....

What happens in the middle of the night? Does he sleep through? If not, how do you get him to sleep again in the middle of the night?

Tara 3-09-2006 @ 4:35PM

Julia--that is what happens to me. Then I post and post and post, no stars--but the one time I say something that the blogger didn't agree with I got negative stars(from the blogger Melissa)--not that I give a care about the stars, just that I thought it was SO RUDE. And my comment was totally appropriate. It is getting very frustrating and I think I may just find another baby blogging site.

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