The Mommy Wars: Where the real "war" lies

I saw Leslie Morgan Steiner's interview on the Today Show- Monday? The theory of mothers war within themselves as being a product of media and politics mirrors what Judith Warner had to say in "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety"
I am thankful for the struggles of feminism and did wish the media would help portray this generation of mothers as being so; opposed to being utterly confused because there are choices.

Reply

Well, I have to say that I agree that the media is creating the "war" and that for the most part it is women's internal struggles. However, that isn't at all what the Steiner said in her article in the Washington Post this weekend ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/05/AR2006030500900.html )
It struck me as she was trying to be inclusive, but when it came down to it she didn't like stay-at-home moms (she referred to them as "Carol Brady"). I blogged this on my own blog, so I won't repeat everything here.

I've personally never insulted those who chose to work, and none of my working friends have ever disparaged me. The negative comments I've gotten have been from childless former colleagues, which makes me think a lot of this "war" is completely external to moms.

BTW, you can view Salon with a daily "site pass" if you view an ad; you don't need a subscription.

Reply

Jenny- From the Washington Post article it is hard to determine if that quote is from Leslie Morgan Steiner or from one of the essays contained in the Book.

Reply

I can't wait to read the book. As a working mom (yes, I know we all "work" -- the stuff I do at home is way more physically and emotionally taxing than the consulting job I do for pay!) I can relate to the internal struggle.

My two best friends from college are now staying at home with their kids. They are two of the most brilliant women I know - one a TV reporter, the other a magazine editor - yet decided it would be best to focus their energy on their kids while they are young. Truthfully, many days I am jealous of them! We simply can't afford it. My younger sister, who is the most amazing mom I know, also stays at home with her 3 girls every day. She has the same emotional/financial/exhaustion struggles that I do and and yet on the surface we have made very different choices about "working motherhood." I do not see the solution; it seems that at the committed, loving, thinking yet exhausted moms around me - my colleagues included - deal with the internal struggle on a daily basis.

Reply

"Mommies don't hate other mommies who make choices different from them; rather, mommies are actually angry because they feel insecure about their own decisions regarding work and family"

That's a universal; it's not just about motherhood. It's like when someone takes offense to a blog post or comment. It's more often about the offendee and his/her issues. That's why there's nothing to be done about it from the blogger/commenter's side.

The best thing we can do is be supportive of each other and all of our choices. It's what drew me to Blogging Baby and what's held me here. I've experienced nothing but diverse positivity from day 1. Even when there's disagreement, it's intelligent of given a dose of good-intentioned levity.

/commercial ;)

Reply

What Eden said... I couldn't agree more.

Reply

AND people like Eden leave incredibly amusing comments on home blogs. THAT makes me happy. :)

There will always be "meanies". And we're cuter after all.

Reply

Eden - Very Well Said.

Mandie - I think you are referring to the comment at the end that the essay is adapted from the book. Since the byline at the beginning is Leslie Morgan Steiner, I assumed it is her writing. My guess is that it is the introduction to the book. However, since it has been edited for space in the Washington Post, some of her larger points or evolution in thought may have gotten lost.

The question/answer I found most interesting in the Salon article is:

"Why do you think women play into it then?

I wish they didn't. I think that part of the answer to ending the fighting is that women have got to stick up for each other more. We should be fighting with men, we should be fighting with the government, we should be fighting with employers, and say this country would be better off and kids would be better off if women had more flexibility in terms of work and more support being mothers."

I don't really agree with the fighting with men; I think a lot of dads are just as torn as moms. But I do think that the battle for more flexibility is with government and employers and shouldn't be between moms.

Reply

I don't buy Steiner's assertion that women are angry about their choices; if anything, I think the anger is caused the media's insistance that no matter what we're doing (working, staying home, working from home) we're not doing the RIGHT thing. The Good Morning America piece clearly priviledged stay-home moms; the Today show piece was all about the virtues of working. No matter what a woman chooses, the media will tell her she's shortchanging someone--her self, her family, SOMEONE. Pieces like the Today and GMA features undermine EVERY choice, in one way or another.

I am also tired of the fact that this whole discussion is pitched exclusively at mothers. In an interview at Business Week, Steiner talked about how little a man's life changes after the birth of a child. On her own blog, she celebrated the fact that for the first time ever her husband was rearranging his own work schedule to meet the demands of her schedule. Saying that women need to fight with men doesn't solve any of the REAL problems facing parents--poor schools, expensive health care, nonexistant day care, etc etc.

I've read quite a lot about this book, including Steiner's introduction, and I don't have any sense that she's interested in 'supporting' women or making them feel more comfortable and less angry about their choices. I think she is playing on media-induced fears about how women are failing as mothers and employees and people. And THAT makes me angry.

Reply

I am new to blogging baby, and have actually kept coming here BECAUSE of the totally accepting nature of all the comments. Everyone seems to be very respectful of the many different styles presented here. I agree with you all that the fight is not usually between moms!

Also, I wanted to mention that I chose to work part-time (2.5 days/week), and my employer has been unbelievably amenable to working with my schedule. I would encourage anyone to at least ask their employers about this possibility, because it feels to me like the most amazing balance. It's amazing how you become more efficient after having a baby - I do almost the same amount of work in 2.5 days that I used to do in 5 days!!!

Reply

Eden and Thordora - can anyone join the BB fan club? I agree with the diversity, civility (usually) and intelligence I find here.

Back on track. The NYT had an editorial today on this same subject, mainly debunking earlier studies on working women. I skimmed it on my way out the door. It seems to be the big seller lately.

I think it's simple and it's about choice when choices are possible. I was part of the feminist movement in the 60's and 70's and, while much of it was for progress in the workplace, much of it was about expanding choices. We seem to have forgotten that choosing to be home with the kids, when possible, is a legitimate, valuable choice. It's not laziness and it's not a copout. Shame on anyone who says otherwise.

There will always be someone who doesn't agree with the choices women make. It doesn't matter except to sell papers. What matters is doing the right thing for ourselves and our families and only we can decide what that is.

Reply