Would you use a teenage boy as a babysitter?

There are a few teen boys around here I would only hire one of them if needed. He has younger sisters and is a very responsable young man. I know him and his family very well.
The others all go to church I have known them all thier life but I don't think I would becomfortable hiring them.
I am glad I don't need to hire sitters as his older sister is handy and both sets of grandparents.

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I previously commented on my position to never hire a male babysitter.

After reading all of these comments, I have begun to feel like a close minded person. I honestly don't want to be a person who judges whole populations on the behavior of a few. But I don't know how I can ignore my personal and professional experience with teen male babysitters and their "secrets". How could I in good faith leave my children with a male teen babysitter? Even if he lived across the street with wonderful family friends, I think I have to be closed minded in this instance... and it disappoints me.

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momtoboloo, our friend mamaloo has a penchant for being a contrarian, which is useful anytime you're having a discussion about serious issues, but I wouldn't let her high-minded idealism make you feel "bad."

Look: as the author of the original piece, I knew that I would get the whole "can't judge all boys because of a few argument," but I feel so strongly about this I went ahead and said it anyways.

I am a man, I was a teenage boy, and believe it or not it hurt me to have to make such a generalization. Part of this is not the boys' fault. We live in a society where many people don't have a clue about healthy sexuality, even as adults. This results in secretiveness, repression, and unhealthy expression of natural sexual feelings. The number of people who have commented here that have experience with abuse are a testament to that fact. We can only control our own sons and do our best to give them a healthy perspective on sex and allow them the freedom to express their sexuality in socially acceptable ways. But we can't guarantee that our neighbors or even our siblings will do the same for their sons. A lot of good points have been made here, but I think it is unfair to suggest that this is an irrational fear that is not based on something real. All it takes is one instance of sexual abuse to have a profound and deeply negative impact on an individual. If a parent wants to protect their children by "discriminating" against a wide swath of potential babysitters, I believe it is within that parent's right to do so.

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I'll have to agree with the people who would rather not have any teenagers babysit. My husband was sexually abused by a girl babysitter. He never told anyone until he was much older, and then it was one of those macho things, as in "Yeah well I was sexually active when I was 7!" I know of several people who were abused by members of their families, both male and female. I don't often need a babysitter, and the few times I have needed one someone I KNEW I could trust was available. It's getting so hard to trust ANYONE these days.

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Thank you, Becca.

I don't know why anyone would think that they were safe with a girl teenage over a boy.

Twice I've posted on this saying that a bunch of my friends and I (and mind you we grew up in different areas of the country) were molested by our teenage girl babysitters.

There is no gender difference here. Teenagers in our own families can't really be trusted with babysitting children in their own families. Teenagers sexually experiment and they keep secrets. They think that they are immortal and they can vaccilate between being ridiculously arrogant and deeply insecure.

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One thing that is really,really getting me so depressed is how negative the view on teens as a group has been here. It's like they don't stand a chance. I busted my ass as a teen, trying to achieve something. It was so hard to be taken seriously, not to be second-guessed. True many teens do see whacked, selfish & out-of-control. Is it because we let them because we expect them to be this way? Have we written them off? Are they being set up?

I don't know the answers to these question but when I look at my sweet beautiful children I can't imagine that someone would judge them in such ways when become teens. Sad.

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You, Sisyphus, claim that I am oversimplifying. But if I am, it is only in response to the absurd simplification here!

Okay, so, statistically speaking, men are more likely to harm kids. Okay. Assuming I believe this, how does that affect *people you actually know*? If you know the teenage boy (or girl) in question, why are you judging them on their sex? Isn't it wiser to judge whomever it is on *them*?

I can only imagine working by the statistics to be useful if you don't know the person in question. If you do know the person in question, you'll be deciding for yourself based on them. Unless, of course, you won't, and instead will go on your own prejudices. And if you're going on your prejudices, and you *know* they're prejudices, and you then pass it off as saying that to do otherwise would be to make a "bid at equality" or whatever the fool phrase is - how do you know your judgment is trustworthy?

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LB,

It sounds lik a sweeping indictment of teens and it really is depressing.

Obviously we all have kids too, gorgeous, sweet and wonderful children who will all become teenagers. That doesn't mean that they will be bad. And I don't think that teenagers are bad. I'm not even sure that this teenage boy who molested these kids would have been described as a bad kid. I think that if we can get our kids through the tough years unscathed they'll be fine. And I think that means taking a serious look at the responsibilities they are given.

I would rather have my kid work in the grocery store, volunteer at a day care center, mowing lawns or sweeping hair in a beauty salon. Anything but being the sole caretaker of a child. At least until they grow up a little.

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With the rise in female violence and abuse of young kids. I would hire a boy any day. Anyone who reads the news will see every month a new daycare worker or teacher found guilty of abusing kids sexually, what is all commone is, those abusers are all women.

Give me the men and boys to raise kids. I had one growing up and he never abused me, never hit me, never made any move that would have been seen as sexually incorrect.

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This was not two 8 year olds that him molestered, they were 21/2 and 4 year old little boys. I hope he will see inside of a jail cell for a long time. I also thank that his family members sould be looked at. If a 15 year old is doing this could it have been done to him? He also has small childred in his family .

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I'm deeply offended, Dutch. I didn't realise that not wanting to stand idly by while people perpetuate dangerous stereotypes was "high-minded idealism" and made me "contrarian".

What I see happening here, at your hand, is fearmongering. I, as a longtime reader of Blogging Baby, don't like it and I won't allow it to happen unnoticed.

So, let me be very clear here: it is both sexist and ageist to say you wouldn't hire a male teen as a sitter, but you would hire a female teen or an adult caregiver. And, not only are you encouraging others to do this, you are attempting to discredit me specifically for pointing out the sexism and stereotyping behind your declaration and the bandwagon-esque cascade of other parents so willing to let irrational fear guide their parenting decisions.

Let me also point out that I am far from the only parent who found the sexism and ageism in your post, and many of the comments, disquieting.

Human beings are individuals and as such deserve to be treated as individuals. For a journalist in your position to say you are automatically suspicious of all teen males as sexual predators is irresponsible and it's bad journalism.

By all means, take precautions when hiring a caregiver for your child. Judge the person on his or her individual merits and vet your candidates as thorougly as possible.

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Sorry mamaloo, I'm going to have to disagree with your moral outrage a teeny bit. You're not refusing to allow Dutch to perpetrate some insidious, irrational prejudice unnoticed. Dutch himself, in the original post and in subsequent comments, has pointed out that what he's saying is ageist and sexist. Rather than trying to drum up some anti-teen boy bandwagon, I think he's brought a dark issue out of the parenting closet. The simple fact is, many parents would NEVER consider allowing a 14 year old boy watch their preschool daughters, but have no problem paying the little girl down the street $5/hr to do so. It may not be widely talked about, but it *is* the way it is for many parents. So go ahead and defend the teen boys of the world. I think they may be getting a raw deal (although I'll stick to Gramma and Grampa babysitting service, thank you very much). But lay off the moral outrage just a tad, eh?

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All I know is that there is no way in hell I am paying any 14 year old to watch my children, least of all a male 14 year old.

Am I going to be viewed as sexist and ageist? Yup. Do I care? Nope.

I do no believe that anyone who I would view to young to HAVE children should be watching or caring for children. Period. Least of all men, because in my experience, and the many voices of friends I've had over the years, it's been men and boys who were watching them or hanging out with them that have harmed them. Not women.

Yes it happens. But not nearly as often. And I will be viewed as sexist, ageist, whatever, so long as I'm doing what I believe is right for my children. I am not going to sacrifice them to some PC ideal. I have a very firm belief that this is the very thing that placed me in a situation to be abused when I was a child.
It occurs to be frequently that just as people may be afraid of snakes and spiders for legitimate reasons that make sure we as a species have survived thus far, so the same might apply in this case. Knee jerk reactions can at times save us from ourselves. I have yet to know any male who I would ever trust with my children. Period. I have also yet to know any female.

The safety of our children should be our first concern, regardless how it looks to others.

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I think that, in many cases like that of my husband, the abuse done by a female is never talked about, let alone reported. I think that the instances of abuse done by females is probably equal to that done by males. I've known many men and boys who are millions of times more able to care for children than many women and girls I know. The sex of the person isn't an issue to me when looking for a caregiver. The age is, but only because younger people have so much going on in their lives, physical changes as well as mental changes. I believe that you run more of a chance of your child being neglected by a teen babysitter than any thing else. Put to bed early and then ignored while they talk on the phone, do homework, or watch TV. I know that there are many teenagers who are as well able to care for children as there are adults, finding them however is difficult when you don't know any personally. My husband and I don't need a babysitter often, and are lucky enough to have well trusted adult family members to watch our son. If I should need a babysitter and none of them are available, I'd consider a teenage boy just as I'd conceder a teenage girl, with recommendations from people I know I can trust. I would also worry the whole time.

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Having been a nanny for over ten years and having been molested myself I'll throw in my two cents worth. My mother would have agreed with nearly every one of you and would never have hired a male babysitter for either myself or my brother, and she was careful of neighbors as well. However she made the assumption as many would that the man she married would be a safe person to entrust with her children (i.e. our father) when in fact it was he who should have not been allowed near children. I was abused by him for eight years, my brother was more fortuntate and was left relatively alone, for which I'm grateful.

As you can imagine I have serious trust issues with men and it was a stumbing block in the early days of my career. However one thing I'm truly blessful for, is that my time as a nanny showed me positive interactions between fathers and their children. I've known some amazing men over the years who have made wonderful, loving fathers. If I had honestly thought for even a moment that one of these men was harming their children I would have gone right to the athorities, which in effect would have ended my career as well. However it re-affirmed my belief of men being good caretakers. The reality is that anyone could be abusing your children, male or female, be it a caretaker, their sibling, a relative, a teacher, or a stranger on the street. I have a friend who was molested not by her father who was wonderful, but by her older brother. I honestly don't know why offenders abuse children, but the reality is that they do and as it's not possible nor healty to lock your children away in a crystal tower you'll end up posibly exposing them to unknow risks.

Why do you find it so strange that a man would have a natural love of children? Isn't that the very quality that makes a great father? Make sure you have the swim suit talk (i.e. anything which a swimsuit would cover is their own and should not be touched by anyone else) with your child at an early age and make sure to always remain open to them if they every feel someone made them feel weird. Teach them to respect their bodies and that if someone ever does make them feel weird or uncomfortable that they should always come to you and that you will hear them. If your for whatever reason not around then to another adult immediatly, and if that adult doesn't give them a positive reaction and tries to shush them to keep going to other adults and telling them. The important thing is to make sure your child is heard and to stop this silent epidemic. The less we talk about it, the more it continues.

As for nanny camming, as a nanny I abhor them. If you don't truly trust the person who you've left with the care of your child, find someone else that you do. However if your going to use them, I agree with the post above, tell the person that they are being cammed as otherwise its a violation. I know all the reasons parents give for camming but if you cam your nanny and then find out they are as great as they seemed, then they discover they've been cammed, you risk losing them and then you have to start the whole process of finding someone you trust all over again. I would also caution you about rejecting men automatically. Interview them, check their references (all of their references), and don't be afraid to ask uncomfortable questions of their references such as, 'Did you ever feel uncomfortable leaving your child in their care?' In fact do this for female childcarers as well. While it's probably statiscally true that most children are molested by men, there are many other types of abuse your children could be facing. Don't turn a blind eye towards those just because the caregivers female. And if you find a caregiver that you like and trust, pay them well to ensure they stick around. It will be worth it in the long run.

Good Luck,
Bonnie

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Hello,
My name is Daniella Aird. I'm a reporter working on a story about boy babysitters and I'm addressing many of these issues in my story. If any of you live in the South Florida area and wouldn't mind being interviewed regarding boy babysitters, please contact me. Perhaps you have worked with a boy babysitter and can share your experience? Whatever the case, I'd love to talk to you. I work for the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, a major daily newspaper located in Fort Lauderdale. My contact information is below.

Best,

Daniella Aird
daird@sun-sentinel.com
(954) 572-2024

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