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Husband on strike
Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Activities: Babies, Media, That's Entertainment, Sex
We've told you about moms going on strike and even couples going on strike in an effort to make their families or children appreciate what they do and to maybe chip in themselves once in a while. Now a husband has decided to go on strike to draw attention to his plight.James and Valentina Wilson are butting heads about what it means to be good parents to their two-year-old and three-month-old children. James says his wife is spoiling the children and sacrificing their marriage in the process. Valentina says their time to be a couple was before the children arrived, now it's time for family.
What are James' demands? He wants their bedroom to be a sanctuary for the two of them. As it is, his wife and the baby sleep in their bed and James sleeps on the sofa. He wants to go on dates with his wife, she insists the children come with them on their nights out. James wants his son to have an earlier bedtime, but Valentina likes the later bedtime so she can spend more time with the little boy after she gets home from work.
Valentina says they'll have time together when the kids are older and for now this is the way things have to be. She says she loves being a mother and feels it's her duty to nurture them. She also says most mothers will agree with her.
To that, I say.....HA!My friend Stephanie brought this article from the Free Press to my house yesterday for our weekly playgroup. Four of us talked about it and we all agreed with James (for the most part). Which I found ironic since James thought most dads would agree with him and most moms would agree with Valentina.
We all believed that nurturing a marriage is as important as nurturing your children, and those two tasks are not mutually exclusive. My biggest issue with Valentina's thought that they'll have time when the kids are older is: if you don't keep something for the two of you while you're raising your children, by the time they leave you won't have anything left.
I'm sure in the Wilson family there's some room for compromise but both sides are going to have to give a little. I love my kids, but my job as a mother will never cost me my time as a part of the couplehood that started this family. I can't tell you how important I think that is.
Make sure you read the original article and if you'd like check out James' blog, then tell us what you think.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
3-29-2006 @ 9:32AM
cherl said...Wow, I feel for the guy. Marriage needs to be a priority, particularly when there are children involved. Your comment is dead on: If you don't keep something for the two of you while you're raising your children, by the time they leave you won't have anything left.
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3-29-2006 @ 9:41AM
Jenny said...I agree that nurturing a marriage is as important as nurturing the children. I'd say it is a responsibility of parenting to show your kids what a good relationship looks like. My husband and I both had our parents divorce when we were adults; it was a "stay together for the kids" situation and we both feel it didn't do us any favors. We knew our parents didn't get along and it wasn't any fun to live with that.
But haven't these two ever heard of compromise? I mostly agree with James. I think they need to have dates regularly without the kids, and the bedtime definitely needs to be rolled back. And for the most part, they can keep the kids out of the bedroom during the day. But if the youngest is only 3 months and is breastfeeding then kicking the kids out of the bedroom means kicking the wife out too, as she'd have to go to him for night nursing. They need to get a king sized bed and/or move the crib into their room.
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3-29-2006 @ 9:41AM
Caitlin said...A marriage/partnership is like one of the hardier houseplants. They're forgiving up to a certain point if you were pretty busy and couldn't water them. But past that point, they were never as strong as they once were and are much more sensitive to a lack of water.
My family is my number one priority. During the day, my son has mama time, and about half an hour after my husband gets home, daddy time starts and I get some time to relax. Then after that it's couple time. They had a couple on the news awhile back who'd been married 75 years. I think she was 98 and he was 102 or so. They said the secret of their marriage was always making time for each other and themselves.
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3-29-2006 @ 10:22AM
mamaloo said...I don't know, with a 3 mo? I think the father is being a little too demanding. I can understand his desires, but I think he needs to realise that their youngest is only just out of the newborn phase and still needs a lot of his mother's attention, especially if she works days.
The mother should ease up a little, but the father definitely needs to ease up. A strong marriage and family is full of compromises based on the needs of all the parties involved. To a great extent, I think the mother's assertion that at this stage in their family, the children take top priority.
I was very lucky in that my husband totally understood that the demands of parenting and the intense needs of children who know no better, trump his needs, which can be easily delayed until a later, more realistic time when I as a mother and wife and individual had more energy and focus for them.
But, I don't see this as some simple husbands vs wives and children vs marriage problem. There is something sexist going on that I can't quite put my finger on that is raising my hackles.
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3-29-2006 @ 10:25AM
daisy said...While I'm having a problem with the whole disgruntled husband shtick, I agree with James that the marriage is really important and Valentina needs to pay some attention to that. And this makes me wonder if something else is going on. This woman wouldn't be the first to use her kids as a shield. And he wouldn't be the first person not to understand the value of co-sleeping.
And, while his strike is funny, it's also really sad. Doesn't bode well for the marriage, and thus the kids.
I do hope these two can work through this issue... and figure out a compromise.
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3-29-2006 @ 10:35AM
Jen D. said...We co-sleep, so I don't see a problem with that. Maybe they need to get a bigger bed. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends babies sleep in their parent's room for the first year at least. That being said, I think that the parents should have dates without the kids. I agree with Melissa that if you don't nurture your relationship, it will fall apart.
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3-29-2006 @ 10:43AM
Anna V. said...I feel for the dad in this ordeal. My husband and I make sure we put each other first, because if there is no us, there is no family. Of course, we were lucky that all our kids slept through the night in their own rooms (all 3 at 3 months, too), and that we both agree on the bedroom sanctuary idea. Those two need a few date nights out alone stat! And I agree with the crib in the room... I really hope these two can resolve their issues.
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3-29-2006 @ 10:46AM
Hollie said...This guy makes me sick. How could a woman want a man that acted so immature? No wonder he only gets it once a month. That's one time too many! This article made me SO appreciative of my husband. It's nice being a team. We too co-sleep and BOTH love it. Our sex life is better than ever. The showers in the morning, guest room, living room etc. It makes it fun and adventurous feeling, like we're young and mischievous again. Maybe this guy needs to get a little more spontaneity. A marriage is what you put into, and this guy doesn't appear to be contributing shit! Unless of course, whining counts. This poor woman has 2 babies, and a husband who acts like one. He needs to grow up.
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3-29-2006 @ 11:03AM
P's Mama said...I'm a mother and I do not agree with Valentina. 1) Co-sleeping is not a good idea unless BOTH parents agree to it; 2) Date night (in my opinion) is essential to a marriage when there are children (although we didn't start leaving our daughter with her grandparents until she was 6 months); 3) If there is friction in a marriage (and it sounds like there is in this one), the child will undoubtedly be affected by it. I'm all for putting my child first, I do it all day every day while my husband is working, but I'm just learning how vital it is to nurture my "new" relationship with my husband, too. I agree with the post that claims that without "us" there is no family. I really believe that the best environment for my daughter to grow up in is one where her parents love eachother and spend quality time with each other.
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3-29-2006 @ 11:47AM
Maggie said...I think that this Dad might actually have more time to spend with his wife if he decreased the time and enegry he spends whinning and increased the time he actually engages as a true partner workign toward the goal of parenting their children. How much of the physical and mental parenting does this man actually do? Frankly, if my husband were to pull this I'd kick him out immediately. We brought two children into this world together and for the next 18 years they will have the whole of our time and attention. The beauty of this seemingly rigid view is that with both of us committed to our role as parents first we share a bond that makes the time we do get together so much more meaningful than before we had children. I am thanking my very lucky stars right now that I have a husband who is mature enough to understand that I was not put on this earth to put his needs above the needs of the children that we broght into this world. I'm simply thankful to have a partner who respects me more than that.
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3-29-2006 @ 1:10PM
R. said...>> Frankly, if my husband were to pull this I'd kick him out immediately.
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3-29-2006 @ 1:13PM
R. said...Oops. I meant to quote this: "Frankly, if my husband were to pull this I'd kick him out immediately," and then say this: "Yeah, that would be really good for the children." Sarcasm only works if you finish your sentences.
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3-29-2006 @ 1:55PM
thordora said...They're both being selfish in their own little ways, and they both need to grow up. I see this type of thing between my husband and I all the time. I have used my children to "push" him away at times. Once I pulled my head out of my butt, I realized that there would be no tomorrow for us if I did not make time for us now. I have had to learn to be less rigid, and he's had to learn to stop acting like a child sometimes.
he's frustrated, she's not willing to compromise-I think a little counselling would be better than this, but I also think it might serve well to make more father's feel a little less left out. I can relate to the father wanting his bedroom to themselves, because I said the same thing after 3 months. Some people need a space that's their own, some are not comfortable with cosleeping. I don't believe he's asking for all his needs to be put first all the time-and I don't believe that asking to sleep in your own bed is too much. My husband was scared silly that he'd crush the baby, so we used a basinett. But again, compromise.
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3-29-2006 @ 1:57PM
larisa mckenna said...It's interesting that some of the commentors seem more angry at this guy than the wife is. I think most of his concerns are completly legit. They come from loving his wife, not pure selfishness. Kids necessarily require a lot of work, and it sounds from the article like he contributes. So long as the wife doesn't take on more burden for his request, I find nothing sexist going on. The wife didn't complain about the balance, so there's no reason to read imbalance into this.
I also understand the pull of wanting to be the only one taking care of your children. But, taking some couple time is healthy for everyone, and worth the effort. The first few times my husband and I went out alone were an adjustment for me. I felt guilty for not being with my son, even for a hour or two. But I came back to him rested and refreshed, as was our relationship.
BTW: I nursed a full year and my son did just fine with G'ma and pumped milk. We also didn't co-sleep. I know this isn't the case with all kids, but nursing doesn't always mean you're home-bound or required to co-sleep. I imagine the same experts that suggest co-sleeping would not say it is required to the detriment of the marriage. Suggestion: A friend of mine had her husband get up and bring the baby to her. She never left the bed. There are ways of working with his requests. (Who knows, maybe a few weeks of that and he'll decide co-sleeping is better.)
Generally, I think mothers get more emotional fulfillment from their children in the first few months than fathers do, so it's difficult for either side to understand the other. I know that's a vast generalization (no offense to the fathers who savored the newborn stage). My point is, I agree with the comments that both partners need to try to be flexible for the other and his/her needs. It's a mistake to assume your own perspective is the only valid choice, or that the other person's needs are not important. I know many women who viewed intimacy with their husbands as a luxury as opposed to a necessity, and most of those relationships did not make it.
Happy marriages make happy children:)
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3-29-2006 @ 1:58PM
mckenna said...It's interesting that some of the commentors seem more angry at this guy than the wife is. I think most of his concerns are completly legit. They come from loving his wife, not pure selfishness. Kids necessarily require a lot of work, and it sounds from the article like he contributes. So long as the wife doesn't take on more burden for his request, I find nothing sexist going on. The wife didn't complain about the balance, so there's no reason to read imbalance into this.
I also understand the pull of wanting to be the only one taking care of your children. But, taking some couple time is healthy for everyone, and worth the effort. The first few times my husband and I went out alone were an adjustment for me. I felt guilty for not being with my son, even for a hour or two. But I came back to him rested and refreshed, as was our relationship.
BTW: I nursed a full year and my son did just fine with G'ma and pumped milk. We also didn't co-sleep. I know this isn't the case with all kids, but nursing doesn't always mean you're home-bound or required to co-sleep. A friend of mine had her husband get up and bring the baby to her. She never left the bed. There are ways of working with his requests.
Generally, I think mothers get more emotional fulfillment from their children in the first few months than fathers do, so it's difficult for either side to understand the other. I know that's a vast generalization (no offense to the fathers who savored the newborn stage). My point is, I agree with the comments that both partners need to try to be flexible for the other and his/her needs. It's a mistake to assume your own perspective is the only valid choice, or that the other person's needs are not important. I know many women who viewed intimacy with their husbands as a luxury as opposed to a necessity, and most of those relationships did not make it.
Happy marriages make happy children:)
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3-29-2006 @ 2:04PM
CuriePoint said...As far as I am concerned, she's the selfish one. All the shaming language typical of a person wanting their own way is coming from her, not him. The simple fact is that marriage comes first. It was in place long before the kids arrived, and while children's needs are more demanding of time and attention, no spouse should ever come second-place in the marriage. Note that this woman is all about me me me...I love being a mother...he had his time with me, now I am dedicated to motherhood...it's not about the children, it's about how those kids make her feel.
Being a partner means first and foremost not forgetting what constitutes partnership and what the other person means to you. If she has supplanted him with their children and has dressed it up in some sort of "take it and like it" attitude towards her husband, then he needs to just say to him, in all honesty, "sorry Hun...you were number one, but that's over and done with. You will always be second-class from here on in."
In a way, I hope that she doesn't change her mind...maybe this guy will open his eyes as to what he's really married to, and wise up.
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3-29-2006 @ 2:08PM
CuriePoint said...As far as I am concerned, she's the selfish one. All the shaming language typical of a person wanting their own way is coming from her, not him. The simple fact is that marriage comes first. It was in place long before the kids arrived, and while children's needs are more demanding of time and attention, no spouse should ever come second-place in the marriage. Note that this woman is all about me me me...I love being a mother...he had his time with me, now I am dedicated to motherhood...it's not about the children, it's about how those kids make her feel.
Being a partner means first and foremost not forgetting what constitutes partnership and what the other person means to you. If she has supplanted him with their children and has dressed it up in some sort of "take it and like it" attitude towards her husband, then he needs to just say to him, in all honesty, "sorry Hun...you were number one, but that's over and done with. You will always be second-class from here on in."
In a way, I hope that she doesn't change her mind...maybe this guy will open his eyes as to what he's really married to, and wise up.
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3-29-2006 @ 3:09PM
Becca said...I'll have to agree with James more than Valentina. If he is feeling this way now, it will only get worse as time goes by unless she does something about it. The baby still needs to be close to Mom, but she could sleep in a crib in the master bedroom for a few months. Their son is 2; he can learn to sleep in his own room all night.
To me it sounds like James would be willing to accept a compromise, an earlier bed time for the kids, the baby in her crib the two year old in his own room. With the time they could then have together they wouldn't have to go out without the kids. Or maybe a bigger bed, trying to get the kids into their own beds, and a dinner out without the kids now and then.
I think he needs to feel that his wife still loves HIM and still wants HIM, not just the money he makes and the children he made with her. And like I said in the beginning, if he feels he needs to go on strike now how is he going to feel later? Is it worth being a divorced Mom?
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3-29-2006 @ 4:35PM
Nancy Toby said...His tacky little spoiled-brat exhibition on the roof speaks volumes about his lack of adult-level negotiation and compromise skills.
Get off the roof and get the couple into counseling. Quick.
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3-29-2006 @ 4:41PM
Nina said...When I started reading this post I was more inclined to agree with James. He's got a point that a marriage is something that needs to be worked on and not ignored until the kids get older. But then I went to his website. First off, some of the comments are so out there (although that has nothing to do with my opinion of him or his situation). But what he's doing to try to fix the situation just seems kind of...low. The whole public nature of his campaign.
And then I realized he has a 3 month old (somehow this didn't hit me the first time I read the post). I mean, how many couples didn't have to work on issues like this when their kids were that young?? Although the wife's perspective isn't fair to her husband or her marriage (and ultimately, not to her kids either because kids thrive in a healthy marriage, right?), somehow I don't see resorting to the extreme of living on the roof when your wife just had a baby 3 months ago.
The whole thing is pretty sad and pathetic.
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