Porn for moms is not so steamy after all

Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Sex

mom in her skinny pantsI remember back in the late 90s when the iconic television show of those years, Ally McBeal, was the one everyone rushed home for. Among my largely-unmarried group of friends, we empathized with Ally, and adored Billy right along with her. Despite our longing for the two of them to rekindle their long-ago relationship, we couldn't help but admire his marriage and hold up his TV spouse, Georgia, as the pinnacle of wifeliness.

And there was the episode in which Georgia complained about their intimacy. She revealed in an explosive scene that the two of them made love every Tuesday and Friday. Aha! I thought. Married people have sex twice a week! And, for many years, this was my benchmark. When my husband and I were engaged, without going into the details, according to this reference point we were surely best-of-class.

And I was married, and became a mom (not necessarily in that order). And I learned that I needed an entirely new scale by which to measure our intimacy. I barely showered twice a week. If I was going to keep my marriage from sliding into the statistical abyss, measures needed to be taken.

The problem, as I see it, is that my identity as a lovin' wife needed to be kept entirely separate from my other identities. So the other day I sat down with Lainie Keslin Ettinger, whose essay in the New York Times had me laughing (and definitely not at her). We looked over our shoulders in the somewhat-crowded coffee shop and whispered euphemisms, not knowing whether to giggle or blush or pretend it didn't bother us. And we talked about what "did it" for us.

For Lainie, cheesy romantic movies do the trick. They allow her to step back and rekindle her intimate self. "Two hours of watching the evolving spark between fictional characters was seducing me into remembering the original chemistry that connected me to my other half," she wrote.

Getting out of the house (for just the right amount of time; too much, and I miss my boys when I return) does wonders for me. Whether it's a long run in the rain or a few hours chatting with other mamas over a bottle of wine, getting away from the reality of me as mom and blogging dynamo is how I fall in love, again, with the father of my children.

I polled my friends and we came up with a top 10 list; the best ways for moms to regain their lovin' identities and get in the mood:

1. Watch a romantic movie, alone.
2. Tell someone your love story.
3. Listen to a song you danced to at your wedding.
4. Look at photos from your honeymoon.
5. Go to yoga, and breathe in love from the earth, breathe out your worries up, up into the atmosphere.
6. Run several miles. Bonus points if your route goes past sweet-smelling gardens; lilac is my personal favorite.
7. Wear your skinny jeans and a cute top from your childless years out for drinks with your girlfriends.
8. Get a good bottle of wine and cook your most romantic meal; have your husband chop, slice and dice. Eat in the kitchen, slowly.
9. Talk about something that excites you, and doesn't involve children or cable bills or Chlorox.
10. Take a blanket to the backyard and lie in the sun. Read the New York Times and let the sun kiss your shoulders.
11. Let your husband steal a flower and give it to you. Remember...?
12. Remember when.

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Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.