As they grow: easier or harder?
Categories: Just for moms, Development
Yesterday at the gym, as I attempted to distract
myself from the chorus in my mind of, "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this." I eavesdropped on
the conversation of two older ladies nearby.One woman asked how the other's daughter was handling her newborn twins. She answered they were doing well, everyone was settling into a routine but both her daughter and son-in-law were exhausted. The other woman laughed and said, "Well that's just the way it is at first. But you know, what they don't realize is: it only gets harder as they get older."
If I hadn't been busy cursing my treadmill I may have offered my point of view. I've found my job has gotten easier in some ways as my children got older, and then harder in other ways. But overall, I think having a seven-year-old and a four-year-old is easier for me.
I struggled with the sleep deprivation of newborns and the phsyical aspects of taking care of small babies. I didn't like the constant diaper changes and feedings and on and on and on. Now I tell my kids to get dressed, they can grab a snack for themselves, when we leave the house I don't require reinforcements and carry on luggage. For those reasons, having older children fits me and my personality better.
It's true, things are more complex as my children grow up and away from me. I worry about things which have much further reaching consequences than whether or not I have enough diapers in the diaper bag. But still, this part of my parenting life has fit me infinitely better.
What about you? Does parenting little ones fit you better or does parenting fit you better with each passing year?
Recent Posts
- Weekend Fun and Games (7/03/2009)
- Kids and Extracurriculars - When Do You Let Them Quit? (7/03/2009)
- Twitter Follow Friday on ParentDish! (7/03/2009)
- Lush Lashes (7/03/2009)
- Abigail Breslin Makes $13 a Week (7/03/2009)
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Velma 4-25-2006 @ 6:25PM
I'm in total agreement with you. Every day that goes by, I'm so grateful that the early days are over and that my youngest is getting more manageable. Mine are six and three, and this past 6 months has been the easiest (hah!) so far. I'm constantly being told that it just gets harder as they get older, but right now I'm enjoying interacting with my kids as relatively reasonable people rather than spending every second managing them.
Reply
Elizabeth 4-25-2006 @ 6:34PM
I remember grousing at work about how tired I was all the time, and one of my (male) co-workers said, "This is the easy part. It just gets more difficult."
Now that Dorothy is two, I can say that that was not the easy part, at least so far. It was so physically taxing. Dorothy makes me crazy on a regular basis - it's practically a hobby - but now it's at least marginally possible to reason with her, or at least get her to tell me *why* she's crying.
Finally, I can say that if a co-worker is complaining about how awful they feel, the statement that "it just gets worse" is completely unhelpful, and would be even if it were true.
Reply
sarah 4-25-2006 @ 7:32PM
Just wait until you have teens, and in my town the whole college deal is INSANELY stressful. I wish I had newborns often when my daughter is up until 12:30 every night and bawling about how she won't get into Harvard.
Reply
Susan 4-25-2006 @ 8:14PM
Our motto has always been "This is just a PHASE!" Every phase has had its difficult components (waking at night with baby, everything in the mouth with toddlers, school with preschoolers) and its easy components (babies and toddlers who nap, for example), but each phase is different.
I am waiting for the phase where both my sons GO TO SCHOOL. All day every day. Which will come this fall, not a moment too soon. And then, like Melissa, I will be at the gym, cursing the treadmill. I can't wait for THAT phase.
Reply
ann adams 4-25-2006 @ 8:28PM
Three girls in varying stages of puberty at the same time is not exactly a stroll in the park.
Reply
Caitlin 4-25-2006 @ 8:29PM
I think easier or harder also depends on if the parent is a baby person or a kid person, kinda like cat and dog people. Like dog people, baby people are usually down on the floor playing with the baby after the baby has had a chance to get used to them. Kid people are usually more content to watch the baby with its parents.
I also don't think it necessarily gets easier or harder. It's just different, and the rest really depends on the personalities of the parents and the kids. What's hard for one family is easy for another. Some families are similar enough in temperment that they always seem to be happy.And then you have families who have opposing personalities, and it seems like no one can let anything be, so they're constantly fighting.
Reply
Wendy Mac 4-25-2006 @ 8:36PM
I agree with you Melissa about the sleep deprivation part- I can handle a "big child" much easier than a "little child"- I just don't do well with sleep deprivation.
The challenges though have become harder, and it always breaks my heart when my child goes through something difficult at school or with a friend. I'm tired now in other ways, from being chauffeur, helping with homework, and drying her tears over a girl who wouldn't talk to her on the playground.
Purely the stuff that has gotten harder is all stuff I haven't expected, or just didn't realize how I would feel about it.
My friend's daughter got her period for the first time over the weekend- I totally had forgotten about that- I will freak out. That's just the way it's going to be.
And yes, I'm nervous about the teenage years- I mean, what if she is like me?
I'm in trouble. I better go take a nap to prepare.
Reply
Kate 4-25-2006 @ 8:47PM
Morgan's only 2 so I don't have tons of experience, but I have found that as soon as I think things are getting easier - everything changes and its really hard again! The easiest times so far were 4-6 months, 15-18 months and then 22-25 months. However, the thing that has increased steadily over the past 2 years is how much FUN parenting is. I guess I'm not a "baby person" because I never missed having a newborn, I never missed having an infant once I had a toddler, and the last few months (terrible, terrible twos, and all) have been the most fun of all. So, for me, even though it may seem be harder and harder, its also getting better and better.
So far, at least. I already fear the pre-teen years!
Reply
Jennifer Susse 4-25-2006 @ 10:06PM
I found the first year with one child to be relatively easy. I could take my child anywhere in the baby bjorn or backpack, and didn't have to worry about carrying a lot of food because I was breastfeeding. We would go to people's house for dinner and put our child in a pack n' play upstairs. We could go out to dinner, see a movie at a drive in theater, and even go to see Shakespeare in the park (bringing the stroller for my son to sleep in). We basically lived relatively adult lives, plus we had the joy of having a baby. It was really wonderful. In contrast, the first year with my second child was really stressful. Not only did I have a baby but I had an almost 3 year old to deal with. Going anywhere was near impossible. Things have gotten easier since then, and life has gotten more joyous. Watching the kids play together is really amazing…but that first year was still the easiest.
Reply
flybunny 4-25-2006 @ 10:29PM
My kids are 17 months apart and I thought when they were younger things were horribly hard. It seemed that I never got a break and as they have gotten older the stress has just changed. Now we struggle to balance together time with homework and other activities - I certainly miss the togetherness of the younger years but really enjoy the conversations of the maturing kids - mind you that I don't have any teenagers yet so we still have wonderful conversations about school and friends etc. I guess at the end it has all been challenging but rewarding but I am really dreading the teen years.
Reply
Michelle 4-25-2006 @ 10:32PM
Jennifer, Your experience mirrors mine. When my daughter was born, my lifestyle didn't change too much. She was extremely flexible and easy going. She slept where ever we happened to be, when ever. Not that I was a big party animal or anything, but I had a girlfriend whose baby was 8 weeks older than mine, so we would go shopping, out to dinner, whatever we did BC, no problem.
When my son came along, my daughter was 21 mos old. Now, granted, he was a preemie, so we went NOWHERE for quite a while. Now we are at the point where we can pretty much do what we want, and as much as I WANT to get out of the house, the amount of STUFF if daunting!
Daughter is FINALLY potty trained and off sippy cups-YEA! But, we still have to have our bottle of water for her, full change of clothes (fortunately, I can leave that in the van) snacks and wipes for the "stinky" and my son still requires all the accoutrement of the barely toddler.
Plus, do I take the double stroller or the single stroller and try to make my 3.5 yr old stay with me? And as a newly potty trained preschooler, we have to try out every public bathroom at least 2 or 3 times. It takes forever to run simple errands.
Now you friendly people are telling me it doesn't get easier? I think I need a drink!
Reply
Sharon 4-25-2006 @ 10:51PM
It has definitely gotten easier for me, but of course, my two daughters, ages 6 and 4, have not reached puberty yet. I can only imagine and really don't want to right now.
My older daughter was a high intensity infant, who could rarely be put down without screaming. Each year things calmed down a bit more until she was five - that was the magic number for us. She stopped having so many meltdowns and night terrors. These days she is amazingly perceptive and insightful - and so full of love!
The absolute hardest time was the first year that our second daughter was born. She was a very calm, content baby, but her big sister, who had just turned two a week before she was born was much needier than our newborn. There was never a quiet moment, and rarely much sleep, plus both of them were in diapers for a year.
Next year they will both be in school five days a week, and I think that things will continue to get easier. Just having that time for myself is what makes it easier for me. I'll admit it, sometimes I'm selfish and want to think about my needs, too. Plus, I'll enjoy them so much more when I've had all day to miss them.
Reply
momma2mingbu 4-25-2006 @ 10:51PM
It's hard in a whole different way.
When they are babies or very young children, it is hard because they are COMPLETELY DEPENDENT on you for EVERYTHIHNG. They can do nothing on their own and they can't always communicate what they want/what is wrong easily.
When they are older, it becomes hard because they develop their own opinions about what they want/how things should be done/etc. Stubborness, willfullness, physical strength and a sense of growing independence are what makes it harder as they grow.
Reply
momma2mingbu 4-25-2006 @ 10:54PM
Ann -
My brother in law is a single parent to 2 girls and a boy. (The kids live with him but do see their mom.) The girls are hitting puberty now (14 and 12). I feel for him, trying to handle (and understand!) these two hormonal young ladies without a mom in the house!
Reply
Mamacita 4-25-2006 @ 11:00PM
Oh, my dears, enjoy these years, because when your kids are teenagers, you'll look back and wonder how you ever could have thought sleep deprivation was a problem.
However, I must also say that every age has its glory. Don't wish any of it away!!!!!
You'll wish it all back once they hit their junior year. Hoo boy.
This isn't to say your kids will be 'naughty.' I'm only saying the things you worry and fret about will change. Cars, sex, drugs, pressure, money. . . . .
Give me the terrible two's and no sleep over THAT, any day.
Reply
nancy 4-26-2006 @ 9:46AM
Oh I so appreciate your wisdom, Mamacita, but I just don't buy,
"...you'll look back and wonder how you ever could have thought sleep deprivation was a problem."
But I'll let you know in a decade or so if you were right! ;-) I know I will always have something to "worry" about, but I am so not an infant person! Sleep deprivation makes everything so much worse!! I'm hoping the wonderful therapy I've invested in will help me deal with my worries and fears regarding my daughter(s) as they get older, but at least let me get some sleep as well!!
My daughter is 2.5 and I love this age sooo much better than infant-hood. Of course, I'm now 22 weeks pg again so the thought of going through all those sleepless nights - along with a toddler - again (at my age) is bringing great anxiety!!
Ah well, that's just the way it goes...
Reply
ann adams 4-26-2006 @ 11:17AM
The difference for me (when the three girls were in diapers (rather like triplets) and now (where everything is a crisis and they just can't stand it one more second) is that I could sleepwalk through the feedings, the rocking, and the diaper changes. I didn't have to think.
Now I do and if I don't listen carefully to what they're saying, I find myself having given permission for some things I would never allow normally.
"Grandma, can I make something?" Why oh why didn't I think to ask "What are you planning to make"?
Whatever it was involved a mixture of dry oatmeal, honey, peanut butter, and posibly a little vinegar so I couldn't even turn it into cookies.
Reply
Wendy 4-26-2006 @ 1:23PM
I just wrote about this not long ago. Hearing it gets harder in some ways is the last thing a new mom can bear. But the topography simply changes.
Reply
patti 4-28-2006 @ 1:50PM
I think it's gotten much harder as Sofia has gotten older. This is the hardest year by far in my now five years of parenting. Sure, the newborn stuff was physically exhausting, but the minutia of that was not nearly as wearing as the emotional exhaustion of raising a child who is coming into her own: Her own opinions, thoughts, wants. I LOVED mothering a baby. Mothering a 16-year old in a five-year old's body...? I clearly no longer have 100% control, and as she grows more and more away from me, and more tangibly close to life's lessons, my heart breaks a little more each day. But I honestly think it's my own issue, and nothing to do with who my daughter is becoming. It's definitely a learning experience for me about who I really am.
Reply
Leanne 4-28-2006 @ 3:06PM
As a mom of twins, it gets harder as they get older. I don't care what anyone else says! When I just had my one oldest child, it did get easier as she got bigger, because she was more independent. Not so with the twins. Yes they are more independent now that they are two, but OH HOLY HELL I can't go two different directions at once!!!! So for the old lady who said it would get harder, she was right. Give me sleep deprivation anyday. At least I could nap when they napped and sit down for 5 consecutive minutes. Not anymore--it's constant vigilance and firefighting. And now that we have a 7 month old who is trying to crawl everywhere? Oh, forget it, where's the prozac and vodka????!!!!
Reply