Darryle Pollack: Parenting: It's All About Perspective
Ten ways to help mom get in the mood
Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Sex
"You want to get me in the mood? Help out!" says one mom I know.
"Watching my hubby cheerfully, without my prodding, take care of household duties totally puts me in the mood," says another.
Why is this? It's certainly not that male domesticity is dreamy -- you'll never find me, or any of my mama friends, watching videos of scantily-clad men putting plates and bowls in the dishwasher and tucking the kids in bed. Scrubbing toilets isn't fun no matter who's doing it. It's not the work in and of itself. It's the helping. And it's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. It's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. And perhaps most importantly, it's about recognizing and appreciating your partner's hard work. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac.
When you first partner with the man of your dreams, it seems easy -- or, at least, possible -- to separate your wifely self from that of career woman, sporty gal, best friend, craft maven. As a wise woman told me recently, "before I was a mom I was Ghandi: I was generous with my time and resources. If my husband wanted to go on a hike, that was great!" But after... every half-hour had to be portioned out, with a responsible parent "on duty" at any given time. Once I became a mom, my identities were no longer separate and certainly not equal: I was mom first and foremost, and 24 hours a day. Suddenly my partnership with my husband was that of boss and executive assistant. And that's just not sexy.
In order to get in the mood, I had to step out of my mom role. In the first months of a child's life, that's nearly impossible; and for the rest of toddler-hood it's just really, really hard. So when I read Lainie Keslin Ettinger's essay in the New York Times (she's the wise woman of whom I spoke), I thought, yes! Someone understands exactly what I'm going through.
And I discovered that, for moms, porn is not so racy after all.
Want a mom in the mood, men? Try these tips:
Update: lots of you have commented to say, "this article is outdated!" and, "my husband helps around the house" or, (for you dads), "I help! I do!" and to that I say, I know. I know that many of you help. These dads pictured here? They help. And the more they do, the more their busy, next-millennium, working wives feel intimate, sexy, valued.
Just because some of you do help doesn't mean that it's any less desired. Just because some women don't value that help doesn't mean it's not true for me, for my very fashionable and well-educated friends. We love our husbands and yet we rarely have time to separate ourselves from the day-to-day of mom, career, mom, friend, mom, household finance chief, and oh yeah, mom. The more our "partners" are truly partnering, the better we feel about them come nookie time.
"Watching my hubby cheerfully, without my prodding, take care of household duties totally puts me in the mood," says another.
Why is this? It's certainly not that male domesticity is dreamy -- you'll never find me, or any of my mama friends, watching videos of scantily-clad men putting plates and bowls in the dishwasher and tucking the kids in bed. Scrubbing toilets isn't fun no matter who's doing it. It's not the work in and of itself. It's the helping. And it's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. It's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. And perhaps most importantly, it's about recognizing and appreciating your partner's hard work. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac.
When you first partner with the man of your dreams, it seems easy -- or, at least, possible -- to separate your wifely self from that of career woman, sporty gal, best friend, craft maven. As a wise woman told me recently, "before I was a mom I was Ghandi: I was generous with my time and resources. If my husband wanted to go on a hike, that was great!" But after... every half-hour had to be portioned out, with a responsible parent "on duty" at any given time. Once I became a mom, my identities were no longer separate and certainly not equal: I was mom first and foremost, and 24 hours a day. Suddenly my partnership with my husband was that of boss and executive assistant. And that's just not sexy.
In order to get in the mood, I had to step out of my mom role. In the first months of a child's life, that's nearly impossible; and for the rest of toddler-hood it's just really, really hard. So when I read Lainie Keslin Ettinger's essay in the New York Times (she's the wise woman of whom I spoke), I thought, yes! Someone understands exactly what I'm going through.
And I discovered that, for moms, porn is not so racy after all.
Want a mom in the mood, men? Try these tips:
- Put the kids to bed, making an effort to get them to sleep without a fuss.
- Dinner time? Offer to chop while she sautés.
- When mom gets home from work and errands, have the baby bathed and freshly diapered.
- Clear out the answering machine.
- When dinner's over, show off your high-school waiter skills and carry all the dishes to the kitchen.
- Send thank-you notes to all your relatives for the gifts they've sent this year.
- Fold the laundry in the dryer and put it away.
- Talk about something other than discipline or chores or bills.
- Take the kids to the park (or anywhere, for that matter!) so mom can have a break.
- If you're unsure how to help, by all means, ask.
Update: lots of you have commented to say, "this article is outdated!" and, "my husband helps around the house" or, (for you dads), "I help! I do!" and to that I say, I know. I know that many of you help. These dads pictured here? They help. And the more they do, the more their busy, next-millennium, working wives feel intimate, sexy, valued.
Just because some of you do help doesn't mean that it's any less desired. Just because some women don't value that help doesn't mean it's not true for me, for my very fashionable and well-educated friends. We love our husbands and yet we rarely have time to separate ourselves from the day-to-day of mom, career, mom, friend, mom, household finance chief, and oh yeah, mom. The more our "partners" are truly partnering, the better we feel about them come nookie time.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 15)
4-27-2006 @ 3:22PM
jeff said...i have been doing laundry, cooking dinner,cleaning the house,making lunches for the kids, driving the kids to all their events,showing up to all their sporting events, doing the yard work and i don't think it makes me any "sexier" or "put her in the mood" to my wife or of 15yrs, i do it because we both work and we are a team, if i get home befor she does i just do what has to be done and vise versa about the only thing i don't do is take my girls "shopping" because i am not a good shopper for girl stuff, but i do take them shopping for gifts like birthdays, mom's day, x-mas, ect.
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4-27-2006 @ 3:54PM
Kraig said...What about us stay at home Dads? I don't see my wife doing things to get me in "the mood". And I'm the one to wake the kids, feed them, take one to school, watch the other one, get dinner ready, clean the house, do yardwork, clear out the answering machine, etc, etc, etc. All the while trying to run a business out of my home! I don't see anything about career Moms having to do anything to get us stay at home Dads in the mood!!!
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4-27-2006 @ 4:08PM
David said...What a crock! I work full time and then some, and do all of that and it's never gotten any kind of reaction like that. Yes, I do it because it's teamwork, but as far making me sexier... unless sleeping is a sign of arousal, yeah right! I'd suggest being a man and going with that. I've never heard of women romance novels based on "Sarah, quickly dropped her robe in a quivering anticipation of receiving that man of all men that could put the perfect crisp fold on the kids underwear." Get real.
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4-27-2006 @ 4:22PM
Wendy said...I don't think that cleaning to get laid is any more respectful than not doing it at all. Knowing that it is truly the responsibility of all who live there is commendable and will make life less complicated for all. Still, to suggest that intimate and caring conversation can be avoided to feed the marital fire is a dodged short cut to all they REALLY care about and those true colors will show through and get old. Genuine care and intimate communication is the only way to turn on an honest woman.
The last one *speak about subjects other than discipline and bills* is getting CLOSE to the real issue.
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4-27-2006 @ 4:38PM
Jeanne said...I am so happy to see this information is finally out. Men, do take note! Resentment is a real chiller. Low energy is a real chiller. Mothers resent doing it all themselves AND doing it absolutely leaves no energy for play! My kid is now 21, but how well I remember working past midnight to get it all done, waking during the night to soothe illnesses and nightmares, rising early to get a jump on the day AND watching my husband do just what he wanted to do. His important stamp collection. His important track meets. In short, none of it included helping me. Regular, voluntary, cheerful help would have warmed my heart to pieces! Feeling thankful for your husband and having energy to spare has to translate into better times all around.
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4-27-2006 @ 4:59PM
mark said...i've been helping with the dishes, laundry, etc. on top of doing the yard work, car repairs, etc for years, not to "get her in the mood", although that would nice, but because all those chores need to be done. my question is what else can be done to "get her in the mood?"
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4-27-2006 @ 5:09PM
mark said...WOW - I'm impressed!! i thiought I would in the minority to read this article and challenge it!!
The author assumes men aren't helping around the house....in 2006? My wife and I share the responsibilities - not for sex...or better sex ...or more frequent etc. Frankly. that's too close to prostitution for me.
House cleaning is a responsibility as is keeping your partner sexually happy and healthy. There is no need to trade or barter one for the other - It's our obligation to try and fulfill both! I think the author is a bit disingenuous. Her list of to-dos should either be divided his & hers or left out for the maid.
IDEA - maybe men could offer more foreplay in return for their wives changing the oil? kind of offensive isn't it?
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4-27-2006 @ 5:40PM
Lauren said...I am always in the mood for sex, my husband helps with the kids, cleaning and has always done ALL the cooking (that in itself is erotic) We both help each other out and try to keep out relationship fresh (we have been married 15 years and dated almost 8) The more we do together at home, the more time we have for each other!!!!
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4-27-2006 @ 5:44PM
Joe said...I've been married for four years. We have two beautiful daughters, and plenty of chores around the house. Even when I was in the Marine Corps I'd clean and do the laundry on the weekends. I still do to this day, even after knee sugeries and can only get around on crutches. I don't do it do get her 'in the mood,' I do it so that she will be the nevy of her married friends. She is and has always been. Her married friends often tell her they wish their husbands would help out as much as I do, and I love that she can glow and feel as though she is taken care of like a queen.
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4-27-2006 @ 6:01PM
jay jahn said...how ridiculous !!to clean for sex.get a maid.if that doesn't work get a hooker
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4-27-2006 @ 6:13PM
Tony said...Oh, please give us all a break. We hear everyday about marriages and relationships that have lost their way. When a woman meets a man she finds him attractive because he takes charge, is confident/successful, has a dark side as well as a femanine side, makes her secure about herself and future, etc. After she marries him she slowly tries to femanize him and wonders why they no longer excite each other. A man should not be doing chores to get sex (write thank you notes to everyone that gave a gift that year???--who does that anymore man or woman?). Should we also be recommending that to get love women should fix the roof, change the oil in the car (on the driveway--not some service), equally contribute to the family's income, etc. Sarah, your article should be more appropriately cataloged under "Ways to have sex with a single mom" rather than parental relationships.
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4-27-2006 @ 6:16PM
Wayne said...If the tasks that I (willingly) perform "get her in the mood"...that's icing on the cake. We are partners, and IF I do something; that needs to be done anyway,and it gives US more time together...then it's well worth the effort! I KNOW she does the same for me.
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4-27-2006 @ 6:25PM
Wayne said...I wish it was that easy, as I work a full time job and do all the housework as my wife shall I say does not care what the house looks like, and to say it makes a man sexy she does not think so as I get sex maybe once a month. My wife of close to 18 years has no sex drive. I buy flowers flirt with her and nothing. I think saying that a woman finds a man sexy doing things around the house is a ploy to get women to do less around the house.
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4-27-2006 @ 6:27PM
Alan said...Prostituting for my wife's intimacy? That's a bit shallow and somewhat insulting to those of us who have a mutually equal appreciation and respect for their spouses.
To simply hold my wife of 15+ years, kiss her, and let her know how much I love her seems to fill that old male teenager adage of 'one more notch' and her feeling that 'she must perform her duty'.
But to proactively seek to 'get her in the mood'? Sounds more like a patron at a strip club.
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4-27-2006 @ 7:12PM
Meredith said...Although I don't agree with the article as a whole, I must admit that I don't see anything wrong with showing either spouse you appreciate them. If that ends up in appreciation which leads to one or the other (but hopefully both) in the mood, then wonderful.
I do think that it is more about respect, understanding and acknowledgement than actually doing dishes or laundry.
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4-27-2006 @ 7:30PM
Bob Furr said...Okay... I have been doing all this for over 30 years and it does NOT help my wife get in the mood... it only generates dependance on me. I had heart problems last year and it took till her mom came to live with us for the house to be cleaned. I hate to tell you but this kind of pop psychology advice is worth what you paid for it.
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4-27-2006 @ 7:33PM
Jay said...I have been married for 39 years--and have been helping for 39 years. However, I know men who don't help. The fact is, we weren't raised that way. Persons my age grew up when, after returning home from work men watched TV or played cards--while women started in the kitchen about 3 in the afternoon and were lucky if they finished by bedtime. True--that is the way it was--but not the way it is!
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4-27-2006 @ 7:34PM
Amanda said...I am sorry but this article is out dated. Hello, we live in an age where women and men alike are challenging traditional gender roles and surpassing such nonsense as suggested in this article. Can some one inform the writer of this article that we no longer live in the confined space of post WWII America and men and women have moved pass such stereotypes, have we not?
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4-27-2006 @ 7:41PM
Sheryl said...Getting along with each other is the goal here, not sex; that's a biproduct of a good relationship based on mutual respect & caring.
I can't use my current marriage as an example, as I have a disabled spouse & a roomate on top of the mix; the rules are slightly loose here. But my first marriage was a nightmare for everyone concerned as far as distribution of chores went. I too am disabled, and was unable to do housework for months at a time when I would be well enough to catch up on things for a few weeks & then unable again for several more months. Out of necessity the ex learned to prepare meals for the family (always leaving clean-up to me), but not once in 13 years was there help with laundry (I recall washing diapers by hand when we couldn't afford pay wash) for a family of 4. I was trying to raise my children in a non-sexist environment, but my eldest son always regarded the vacuum cleaner as "Mom's" because he never saw anyone
else use it. The ex knew how I felt about these things & said he agreed with them; but it never showed in action. Yes. Resentment boils under the surface in a woman regarding unfair distribution of housework (I also did yardwork & some car maintenance). And though I applaud the many of you husbands being so good to your wives as you are, it needs to be understood that the role of housework always reflects on the woman, not the husband. If a house shows neglect it will never be the man who is judged for it, regardless if he is the one making the mess or not. That becomes a source of anxiety for many women and is one of the reasons the nagging situation arises in a household.
Yes, taking responsibility in a household should become the goal of every member ideally, but it is still often just a dream in the majority of households I have come in contact with over the years. And yes, I had a bad first marriage, but it is not all that uncommon to encounter this.
In conclusion for that sweetheart who is unable to gain sexual pleasure with his wife no matter how nice he is: you may want to take this to therapy, first your own to deal with your own feelings, and then couples. With incest so utterly rampant in our society (1 in 4 girls, 1 in8-10boys), there's always the possibility that your wife is struggling with that now & unable to talk about it, which always affects good sex. People can heal if they have the opportunity, and especially with a good friend or partner to see them through. Good luck.
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4-27-2006 @ 8:20PM
Candace said...I was 19 when I met my husband and 22 when I married him. I am now 39 and he is 48. We have a six year old daughter. From day one he has always helped me around the house, not to get more frequent sex or "put me in the mood" but as he said..."so that we'll both have more time to spend together doing things that are much more fun than housework, etc." If it gives us time to sit together and watch a baseball game, then I'm very content with that. If it gives us more time for sex, then great, but he has never suggested that he does these things for sex. I would feel very offended by that and can guarantee that a statement like that would not lead to sex. On the other side, I know someone who has been married ten years to a man who did absolutley nothing to help her. She told me that after a while she began feeling like his mother and that it was pretty tough to feel sexually attracted to him when their relationship changed from husband/wife to "mother/son". Her turn-off had to do with his constant dependency on her. So maybe it isn't so much the helping out but the observation that, "here is an independent guy who can take care of himself" maybe that is the bigger turn-on.
Just to add...I also change my own oil and do yardwork, etc. It's a two-way street. He taught me how to do those things, and I taught him how to separate the laundry before washing ;)
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