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Ten ways to help mom get in the mood
Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Sex
"You want to get me in the mood? Help out!" says one mom I know.
"Watching my hubby cheerfully, without my prodding, take care of household duties totally puts me in the mood," says another.
Why is this? It's certainly not that male domesticity is dreamy -- you'll never find me, or any of my mama friends, watching videos of scantily-clad men putting plates and bowls in the dishwasher and tucking the kids in bed. Scrubbing toilets isn't fun no matter who's doing it. It's not the work in and of itself. It's the helping. And it's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. It's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. And perhaps most importantly, it's about recognizing and appreciating your partner's hard work. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac.
When you first partner with the man of your dreams, it seems easy -- or, at least, possible -- to separate your wifely self from that of career woman, sporty gal, best friend, craft maven. As a wise woman told me recently, "before I was a mom I was Ghandi: I was generous with my time and resources. If my husband wanted to go on a hike, that was great!" But after... every half-hour had to be portioned out, with a responsible parent "on duty" at any given time. Once I became a mom, my identities were no longer separate and certainly not equal: I was mom first and foremost, and 24 hours a day. Suddenly my partnership with my husband was that of boss and executive assistant. And that's just not sexy.
In order to get in the mood, I had to step out of my mom role. In the first months of a child's life, that's nearly impossible; and for the rest of toddler-hood it's just really, really hard. So when I read Lainie Keslin Ettinger's essay in the New York Times (she's the wise woman of whom I spoke), I thought, yes! Someone understands exactly what I'm going through.
And I discovered that, for moms, porn is not so racy after all.
Want a mom in the mood, men? Try these tips:
Update: lots of you have commented to say, "this article is outdated!" and, "my husband helps around the house" or, (for you dads), "I help! I do!" and to that I say, I know. I know that many of you help. These dads pictured here? They help. And the more they do, the more their busy, next-millennium, working wives feel intimate, sexy, valued.
Just because some of you do help doesn't mean that it's any less desired. Just because some women don't value that help doesn't mean it's not true for me, for my very fashionable and well-educated friends. We love our husbands and yet we rarely have time to separate ourselves from the day-to-day of mom, career, mom, friend, mom, household finance chief, and oh yeah, mom. The more our "partners" are truly partnering, the better we feel about them come nookie time.
"Watching my hubby cheerfully, without my prodding, take care of household duties totally puts me in the mood," says another.
Why is this? It's certainly not that male domesticity is dreamy -- you'll never find me, or any of my mama friends, watching videos of scantily-clad men putting plates and bowls in the dishwasher and tucking the kids in bed. Scrubbing toilets isn't fun no matter who's doing it. It's not the work in and of itself. It's the helping. And it's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. It's the fact that you don't have to do it all yourself. And perhaps most importantly, it's about recognizing and appreciating your partner's hard work. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac.
When you first partner with the man of your dreams, it seems easy -- or, at least, possible -- to separate your wifely self from that of career woman, sporty gal, best friend, craft maven. As a wise woman told me recently, "before I was a mom I was Ghandi: I was generous with my time and resources. If my husband wanted to go on a hike, that was great!" But after... every half-hour had to be portioned out, with a responsible parent "on duty" at any given time. Once I became a mom, my identities were no longer separate and certainly not equal: I was mom first and foremost, and 24 hours a day. Suddenly my partnership with my husband was that of boss and executive assistant. And that's just not sexy.
In order to get in the mood, I had to step out of my mom role. In the first months of a child's life, that's nearly impossible; and for the rest of toddler-hood it's just really, really hard. So when I read Lainie Keslin Ettinger's essay in the New York Times (she's the wise woman of whom I spoke), I thought, yes! Someone understands exactly what I'm going through.
And I discovered that, for moms, porn is not so racy after all.
Want a mom in the mood, men? Try these tips:
- Put the kids to bed, making an effort to get them to sleep without a fuss.
- Dinner time? Offer to chop while she sautés.
- When mom gets home from work and errands, have the baby bathed and freshly diapered.
- Clear out the answering machine.
- When dinner's over, show off your high-school waiter skills and carry all the dishes to the kitchen.
- Send thank-you notes to all your relatives for the gifts they've sent this year.
- Fold the laundry in the dryer and put it away.
- Talk about something other than discipline or chores or bills.
- Take the kids to the park (or anywhere, for that matter!) so mom can have a break.
- If you're unsure how to help, by all means, ask.
Update: lots of you have commented to say, "this article is outdated!" and, "my husband helps around the house" or, (for you dads), "I help! I do!" and to that I say, I know. I know that many of you help. These dads pictured here? They help. And the more they do, the more their busy, next-millennium, working wives feel intimate, sexy, valued.
Just because some of you do help doesn't mean that it's any less desired. Just because some women don't value that help doesn't mean it's not true for me, for my very fashionable and well-educated friends. We love our husbands and yet we rarely have time to separate ourselves from the day-to-day of mom, career, mom, friend, mom, household finance chief, and oh yeah, mom. The more our "partners" are truly partnering, the better we feel about them come nookie time.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 15)
4-30-2006 @ 3:57PM
Krissy said...I think It is the effort of both in a marriage to do the house hold chores... although my husband thinks is is sexy when he sees me taking care of the children.He likes to listen to me sing to them, read to them and bathe them. I think it is sexy to watch him do the dishes and vacuum.I know it is something about him helping me out around the house, even with the small things that gets me in the mood. Although I would rather him come up from behind me and wrap his arms around me and kiss me on the cheak and whisper that he loves me.
Reply
4-30-2006 @ 4:01PM
serina said...Hello Everyone,
Gee,after reading this outdated article about putting a woman in a mood. I know not all men are like this in real life. Commitment is about mutual respect,communication, etc. I have known women that only want a man to fix everything in the house. I have also seen men like this too. A man helping with housework would not put me in a mood for sex. This part of the the article is a joke. Oh, I was one of the lucky ones that had a good husband with domestic skills,techinical skills. I am no slouch myself. I was married 24 years till he went "home". What turned me on was the little things, bringing flowers or flower unexpectly,calling me at work inexpectly to run away with him. Ladies and gentlemen not everyone is irresponsible in a relationship. This man Dave in previous posts was expressing the same sentiments women been complaining for years. To the men on previous posts my hat goes off to you. Commitment is teamwork in motion. I notice many people still don't get this simple concept.
Hugs to all,
Serina
Reply
4-30-2006 @ 4:03PM
Tiffany said...It's good to see a lot of people disagree with that article, unfortunately I emailed it to my husband because he mostly forgets to help around the house and I end up resenting him for it. But there isn't any reason to ridicule or be rude to the writer of this article because unfortunately there are situations in this world that are like that. Those of you who are a team are very very fortunate. So just remember all relationships are different and some men/women need to be reminded, and I think it was geared to the men because Mother's Day is just around the corner!
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4-30-2006 @ 4:04PM
Johnny B said...Want to turn your wife on? Put on cologne. Work out. Groom. Maintain intrigue by NOT talking all the time and letting her know everything. Don't be anxious. Be ready to GO at the snap of a finger (know what I mean?). In plumbing-speak, lay pipe on a regular basis, and when you do, lay it right.
Be everything except a good boy because those turn her off (to a degree all women love unmanageable males). That's why cops hate domestic calls. They lock the bum up and within an hour or two the woman is down posting bail. Tamed males turn women off! Who got the girl in high school? Moms cry when rotten sons get in trouble. The lousiest kid on the block is momma's angel. Women walk on good guys and pimp them out of free meals and movies and shows and rides to the beauty shop and worst of all, money.
No (seeing)woman would choose Woody Allen over Brad Pitt because of the way woody vacuums. Or Jimmy Walker over Denzel because of the way Jimmy polishes furniture. Get real. This article was done by a feminist who's out of touch with reality.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:05PM
Jason Humphreys said...Common sense stuff right? Wow, this author doesn't have a clue. We men are way past the "Helping" phase of our game. These 10 tips are nothing more that "get mom in the mood class 101". Most of us men (with kids) have a PhD by now, and know that yes, a rested Mom helps. If you would like some real tips, allow me.....
(1) Get her off those SSRI anti-depressants, those drugs commonly used in post pardon will kill any chances you have A.1.
(2) Try to connect to her by talking about her feelings, you don't really care but she needs this the same way you need to get some sex. She could care less about you getting sex so you are even.
(3) Get cinemax or some other soft porn.... she will most likely act offended at first but usually they come around. No pun intended.
(4) Get mom in shape....exercise will make her feel better which equals more sex.
(5) Take her on vacation....vacation sex is always good. Leave the kids with the grandparents.
(6) If #3 was useful but becomes boresome...up the ante and buy toys, tapes, whatever does it for her.
(7) I'm sure there is more I'm missing but the main thing is to keep her healthy, connected (emotionally), and interested.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:05PM
Patrick said...This sounds like a clone from a Dr.Phil show. He preaches that a man doing housework is sexy. I do not agree. Housework is drab, and hard work. Sharing the inside chores is not so bad, and the norm these days. What's good for the goose though,, is good for the gander. So, when lawn mowing, weed pulling, fence mending,house painting, Christmas lights hanging, oil changing time comes along, the wife should be right there with him.
If we work hard enough at this, I guess we can kill off the feminine and masculine differences that make having 2 sexes so special. There is a reason women handle the young kids better, and men are better at planting fence posts.
Don't get me wrong,, I am all for helping out around the house. There aere exceptions though. What about the stay at home, suburban/expedition driving soccer Moms? My area is loaded with them . Is her husband supposed to work 10 hours, and then come home and do her work too??
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4-30-2006 @ 4:05PM
Rob said...I agree with most of the comments saying it's ridiculous. Whether I help or not it's never made a difference, as a matter of fact the more I do, it seems that then it is expected and no longer treated as special. Women and Men are different, always have been and always will be. We have different gifts and and inclinations. A good relationship is when Both husband and wife realize this and are simply thankful to have someone who loves them and respects them. If that's the case then the work load naturally is shared and sex is not an issue. What most people have separated is Love and Sex. They are the same thing. You shouldn't be having sex with someone you don't love and vice versa.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:09PM
Angie said...When I first read this article I thought how true. Then when I read everyone's responses, I realized what is being discussed in the article is symptomatic of a larger problem. Here is my take. I am a career business woman, mother of two, husband of 14 years, with three dogs and a big house. My life is hectic and I resent my husband for thinking work stops at work. Especially when I am working circles around him sitting in the recliner watching tv. Then after not lifting a finger to help, he either throws himself at me and expects me to turn it on like a light bulb, or he criticizes and adds to an already insurmountable task list. However, I must admit that I have created this monster. Yes, ladies I believe it is our own fault if you are in this situation for not standing up for yourself and having him meet you half way.
I don't think men should be feminized, anymore than women should be masculine. But I can honestly tell you I know more about the power tools and inter workings of our vehicles than he does. He will just bang around in half-hearted effort knowing one of two things will happen: 1) I will step in and fix it before we have a major expense on our hands, or 2) we have a major expense on our hands and half to call someone or replace it. Men are very intelligent and this ploy that I would like to term "convenient ignorance" is a game that I fell for early on and did not rectify. So no sense complaining, I have created the monster and now I have to live with him.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:10PM
R.G. Ray said...We are celebrating 50 years of marriage in this up coming June and we are still on a honeymoon. Sure there had been times when things just seemed not to be right, however, we both can say we have never forgotten that we were lovers first and we have continued to be lovers to this very day. We never fail each and every day to say that I love you to each other and even when sometimes we have arguements, we will put them behind as quickly as possible and never drag them out. Our courtship for each other has kept our honeymoon on a contiuous level. The trouble with most people of today they are too self-centered and have forgotten their beginnings.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:14PM
Gene said...I love you , Norma! Thank You for adding some good old fashioned sense to an otherwise non-sensical matter that is the basic tenor of this blog.I wish my wife was more like you.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:14PM
Deb said...The writer's love language is obviously "acts of service".I'm certain there are many overworked mothers in the world who would love to have help with the children and the chores. I'm certain there are equally as many who would appreciate getting an overnight sitter and just getting away from it all for one evening, or receiving a thoughtful gift from her husband, or even a love note with wonderful words of affirmation and appreciation for all her hard work and the love poured out on the family's behalf. Maybe even more hugs and hand holding for no reason whatsoever might do the trick. Bottom line: Different women speak different love languages. Learn to speak your wife's love language and you'll both be happier!!!
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4-30-2006 @ 4:15PM
Dennis said...To Be sure I did that.I read somewhere that to help your mate feel better and more love Do somethings around the house. I worked ful time and before I read the article I did clean-up around the house. After reading the article ,I started doing more even.I did the dishes,All the time and cleaned the house brought her flowers and cards and said thanks,,,,,,,,,,,,Well guess what???
Just gave her more time with her Boyfriend,,,Now after a year she is coming back here because her boyfriend didn't like that she wouldn't take time to see him and other BULL. Now I have our son and I feed her and try to mkae her feel ok about herself and I'm still the fool I guess.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:17PM
Rose said...What a major crock of bull !! Here's what to do....hire a maid, hire a nanny, get her a (big) gift certificate to her favorite place to shop....take her out to dinner , or order in from her favorite place, ....and keep (or get) yourself looking and smelling as good as you expect her to be ....oh, and don't forget the mood music and her favorite wine . There you go, - you're all set.:-)
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4-30-2006 @ 4:19PM
Steve Bruhn said...Forget all that. It will never work. Its just a ploy to get men to do more work at home!
The only reliable "get in the mood" item requires a partner that thinks you are more good looking when you show her more money.
Reply
4-30-2006 @ 4:24PM
Beth said...I'm getting a divorce right now because my husbands lack of involvement in the household responsibilities as well as everywhere else. The only time he would help was with nagging (about once a month) and he felt that he then deserved the reward of sex. I felt that by making sex a reward that is taking out the intimacy from it. Yeah it is nice to come home and not have a bunch of stuff to do, but I think that intimacy is needed more. After a while I began to feel like his mom - but if I was his mom, we wouldn't have sex - then I thought maybe more like a maid with benefits. Cleaning and helping never turned me on and when we got to bed and he made the association that turned me comletely off. Relationships are 2 way streets. Yeah maybe when my spouse and I(I'm 28 he's 29) grew up things were different in the household. But today both partners in a relationship have a greater role outside the home and it is important the roles inside the home are shared, without being asked or told. You get home first then hey maybe you should start dinner. This is a touchy subject with me and the article irritated me a bit as well. Help out of love and respect not for SEX. Marriage isn't about one person taking care of the other while that person sits on their a*s and does nada it's about 2 people working together for a common goal, which isn't SEX.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:25PM
todd said...what a crock. i do 90 percent of the cooking, get both kids going to bed, go out of my way to keep the boys and the dog quiet on weekend mornings, all to no avail, the "experts", need to live a real life.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:26PM
carl green said...let's get real here....after doing all those chores, two things will happen..(1)us men would be "too tired" or (2)we would be too sweaty and smelly...to do all these chores for "gettn alittle" is like asking Bin Ladden to hold back on his terrorists acts if we clean out the caves he hides in
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4-30-2006 @ 4:30PM
I. Bonenberger said...This caught my attention because I get the impression that I'm not giving my wife the attention she needs. I pretty much have came to realizing the obvious above. But I've noticed more recently... spring my wife has purchased new clothing for the season. I was in "The Dog House" of sorts with her the other day, and "Acted" extremely interested in her new clothes, agreed to sit through them all...all being showed to me. After saying I liked everything, even the things I didn't. She was smiling bigger and more excited than I had seen her in months. She still seems to be running on it, each time she wears one of these outfits I liked. Just my two cents.
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4-30-2006 @ 4:30PM
Tracy said...I just have to say this...I've been itching for the chance...I am no longer married, but why is it I hear so much from married women about how they DON"T want sex....or have to have things "just right" from their husbands to have it....or use it as a "bargaining tool"...I just don't understand it....when I was married....I wanted to be as close as possible to my husband...and intimacy was the way...he didn't have to fold laundry, do dishes, clean house....he just needed to be "him"......maybe I'm weird...and I so miss that now as a single...(however, he did help out alot) I welcome any feedback from women, men...married, single...Is it me???
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4-30-2006 @ 4:33PM
Gene said...Yea,Scott P. , I know exactly how you feel. My wife doesnt show much interest no matter WHAT I do and I'm a very romantic guy. She'll soon be 40 and is most acurately described as a 5 year old in a 40 year olds body. Her sister is looking AWFULLY good to me---as well as a couple girls at work.I've never cheated before nor will I, most probably.BUT, I can dream ,can't I?
Wake up ladies!!! Men almost NEVER cheat just for the sex. It's how the woman makes him feel. Men want to be made to feel that you desire them and to be persued just as much as any woman does.
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