When a friend has a miscarriage

Filed under: Medical Conditions

Recently, a few of my friends have had miscarriages. Like any sad life event, I want to be there for my friend but feel, as someone that has never miscarried, unsure of how to approach the subject.

I usually try to tell the friend "I'm sorry." Really, I am. I know how much these friends have been wanting to have babies and losing the baby, no matter at what gestation, is hard for them.

At the same time, my "it'll be okay" mentality kicks in, which many don't want to hear. I can understand; if something bad happened to me, do I want to hear "you'll be fine?" No.

So, I asked my friend about good ways to be there for someone that is going through a miscarriage. Here's what she said:

"I don't want to hear 'It happens to a lot of women' or 'my mom had four miscarriages before she had me.' I know people are trying to make me feel like I am not alone, but hearing how common miscarriages are only makes me worry that I might have another one."

"I also don't want to hear what my dad said the first time I lost a baby at nine weeks: 'Stop calling it a baby. It was a fetus.'...But it's amazing how attached you can get in nine weeks, or even five weeks, as was the case this time. Especially to someone who's life long dream was to be a mother."

She also suggests making sure to contact the friend and not to avoid her because you're unsure of what to do. Having someone avoid you during a difficult period is a sure-fire way to make you feel worse. Her other suggestion, and this is one I had not thought of: Telling the friend it isn't her fault. My friend admitted to repeatedly thinking something she could have done caused this.

I know that miscarriages are something many moms/women (and dads/men) have gone through. What are your tips that could help someone whose friend is going through this difficult time?

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.