When a friend has a miscarriage

A couple of years ago, a close friend, my best friend in fact, lost her baby at 3 months. I don't know at what developmental stage that could be classed as and I don't care. She was three months gone, she had just had an ultrasound, and it was HER baby.

We hadn't been in proper contact for a while before that (lots of reasons. Our lives just broke apart from one another for a while) and she wrote to me shortly after it happened. I went round at once. I can't remember what I said. I think I said something useless and inefectual like "oh God I'm so sorry!", but I remember I hugged her. And let her talk.

I'm not good at saying the right thing. I tend to blurt out before thinking, so in times like that it's best to say nothing and just offer a smile, a hug and a shoulder to lean on. I did those things, and it helped, I think, although obviously the pain didn't go away. That was a couple of years ago, and of course she still feels it, and she still mentions it. Right now things are bad for her emtionally because the misscarriage frightened her fiancee so much he doesn't want to try for another in case it happens again. She wants to, in fact needs to try again; not to replace the baby she lost, so much as to have the child she was for whatever reason denied. At least I think so. I have never been pregnant and have never lost my baby, so I can never understand; all I can do is try to understand as best as I can and not just presume that I know exactly how it would feel, and how she herself feels.

She talks about wanting to try for another baby a lot, and it is getting more insistent. I always let her talk, nodding and agreeing with her, showing sympathy and letting her vent her feelings as she says the same things over and over. She needs to say them, and she needs me to listen to her and not interrupt, and fortunately I'm good at that.

I don't know if what I said is any help at all (I doubt it), but that's what happened, and is happening now, and my advice, for what it is worth, is that if you are unsure of what to say in case you make matters worse, say nothing: show your friendship and love of this person through actions. Offer your arms to embrace them, your hands to hold theirs, your legs to take them wherever they need to go, your mouth to smile, your eyes to show your sympathy, and above all, your ears to listen.

That is all that they will need.

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I think there are really three major things that are very important to remember. They've been stated above, but I'll reiterate.

1- Do not use any form of the phrase "I understand" or "I know how you feel." Even if you have had a miscarriage yourself, you have no idea how your friend feels. Everyone forms attachment differently, and everyone grieves differently.

I had a miscarriage in August, I would have been due the end of April. A very close friend of mine also had a miscarriage, and she was my rock throughout the whole ordeal. The thing she did absolutely right was say "Ashley, no one knows how you feel right now, not even me, because this happens to everyone differently, but I am 100% here for you whenever you need me. Day or night. And I'm so sorry that this happened to you."

2- Do not say "You can try again", "You have plenty of chances to have more babies" etc. That would make me so angry, and it seemed like EVERYONE thought that was the appropriate thing to say. Just because I have more children does not mean they will replace the one that I lost, it doesn't work that way. Of course I will try to have other children, but I wanted that one. And having another won't take that pain away.

3- "You weren't that far along, it was barely even anything yet, it was just a fetus" etc. That is such a terrible thing to say. A baby is a baby, they all start out the same way. When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started thinking about what this baby's life would be like. Making plans for them, hopes, dreams. All of that died when I had my miscarriage. There was another life inside of me, and now it's gone, and all my hopes and dreams with it. So please don't tell me it was barely a baby, because it was a baby. And it was my baby.

Aside from those things, it's really just knowing your friend. Support her in whatever she's feeling, let her know that you will be there for her no matter what. Let her know that you hate that she has to feel this way, and you'll stand by her for as long as it takes for the pain to start healing.

Also, don't treat her like she might break into a million pieces at any moment. Once a bit of time has passed, invite her to dinner, shopping, the movies, etc. Go about business as normal while not avoiding the subject altogether. It's a delicate balance, and it really all depends on your friend's personal feelings. As long as you are kind and considerate, you shouldn't worry too much. And it never hurts to just ask. "What can I do for you right now?"

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I had two miscarriages, one within two months of being told we had less than 3% chance of conceiving without treatment, and the second one the loss of a twin.

My husband's boss sent us flowers after the first miscarriage and I hated those flowers so much I had to throw the whole, huge bouquet away after two days because every time I looked at them all I could feel was the rawness of the pain all over again. So do be careful with tangible gifts.

What I remember most clearly about those awful first days was a friend of my husband, a guy I really didn't know all that well, who spoke to me on the phone for nearly an hour one night. He started by asking if I were okay, and made it okay for me to talk about my feelings, and talked to me about some hard things he's had to face in his lifetime. He let me lead where I wanted to go, but was so kind, so open and so empathetic that I never forgot it.

What I got tired of very quickly was comforting other people. Within a day, I felt like I had to make other people feel better rather than the other way around.

And, if you do happen to have a friend who loses one twin in a miscarriage, please make sure you mark that loss with the same empathy and sincerity you would with a singleton miscarriage. Both losses were equally painful, but the second one was barely acknowledged by our friends and even our family. That was hard for me to understand and made it even harder for me to cope with it.

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There is a lot of great advice here. I'd just like to add that you shouldn't put a time limit on her mourning/grief. I found that I had a lot of support early on, but after I was back on my feet and a few weeks had passed, people mostly acted like it had never happened. I thought about it every single day for several months, and I remember thinking that I wished I still had someone to talk to about it even though some time had passed.

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Just listen. Let her have a chance to talk. Don't say a lot yourself, but just give her a chance to talk it all out whenever she can.

My experience is a little different than Eden's. I miscarried a baby at 23 weeks gestation. My sister-in-law did give me a gift and I treasure it very much as did a group I belong to. I treasure both of those very much. Use your best judgement.

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