Growing up scrawny

Forgive me for sounding *itchy, but why did you get cable? For that matter, why do you let your children watch TV? You yourself said you wanted your children to be raised without TV. My husband and I grew up with the TV on 24/7 for "white noise". For some reason silence made our families feel uncomfortable. We continued this habit up until our son was born. Now we only turn on the tube to watch an occasional movie or the news. There are plenty of things your daughter can do to grow a healthy image. My best suggestion is to find her a mentor. A young woman who you'd like her to model after (so to speak). Basically, there is nothing good on TV - especially cable. Go to the library, volunteer together, go to museums, take a class together, or take day trips. TV doesn?t have to be a crutch. It's amazing the things you learn about and from your kids when you?re not distracted by technology.

Reply

So sorry to hear of the hard time that your daughter is going through. Kudos to you in getting her help early and for being so supporting and loving of your child.

In my clinical experience, teens who struggle with eating issues usually fall into one of two categories.

1.) Those who want to look like so and so, have poor self image and the like.

2.) Those who feel out of control and are looking to regain it.

Are there circumstances that could have your daughter feeling out of control or as if other people control her life? Or is this a severe case of low self esteem?

I hope that you both find some relief soon!

Reply

KH,
I guess that is why I asked for constructive comments. It's easy to judge and throw in your two cents. I am in the dark when it comes to eating disorders, especially in a person so young. My hope was that
by putting up a post somebody with some actual knowledge would write in and lend some support to the situation.
I am well aware of the television issue. I was on the losing end of a many year battle with the other members in our home when the cable came into our home.

Reply

Definitely figure out if it's "just" low self esteem or a physical problem or an actual eating issue/disorder.

If it's not a disorder, and there's nothing wrong physically, then boy have I got experience with the rest...!

I am 5'5" or so (5'6" if I stand up completely straight, ha!), and weighed 93lbs from the time I was 14 until I was around 20, when I went up to 98lbs. I stayed there, only wavering between 97 and 99, until I hit the mid-30s, when I've slowly started creeping upwards. I think I'm now around 108lbs.

I have never been ill, according to all of my doctors. My family (dad's side) are all tall and thin, with a high metabolism, and I've obviously inherited that. You cannot see my ribs, and have never been able to. I kid you not when I say that my wrist measured from the outside of the two pointy bones across the center is 1.75". I am *narrow*.

Now that I've gone over 100lbs, I've developed a cushy little pad of fat right over my tummy...if only it would have spread around the rest of me a bit more!

The upside is that I don't have any real fear of becoming obese; I don't terrifically watch my diet, but I also don't eat a huge amount of sugar or fats either (in fact, fatty things tend to turn me off). The downside is that I don't have a big chest (alas, but on the other hand I don't have to wear a bra...), it's hard finding jeans that fit right in the waist AND hips and length, and health insurance companies stare at me like I've grown a third arm. Or maybe lost one. (Despite letters from my PCP and extensive medical history.)

The important thing is to be able to reconize what's "normal" body fat distribution, and what isn't. There are certainly women who weigh more than me who are dangerously thin. But your daughter is only 9! Who can say how she'll grow once she hits puberty. She may stay slender, or she may grow into a more "average" body type.

Reply

Heather, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. And I realize that kids can get messages from television-- but in this country, in this society? We females are bombarded with messages from everywhere-- not just television. Girls get messages from school, radio, billboards, deparetment stores, mannequins-- it's pervasive. It's everywhere.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

Reply

I don't know what you can do other than what you're doing. Unless we remove the magazines from every shelf in the country, kids are going to be exposed to the hype. They'll hear it at school and, as you said, they'll hear it from well meaning adults.

To criticize you when you've asked for help is mean spirited, at the very least.

Our middle girl, Rochelle, is 11 and we went through an uneasy period with her a couple of months ago. She was spending far too much time in front of the mirror worrying about her weight. She never completely stopped eating but she was fretting and nibbling; very unlike her eat everything except the plate self.

I did exactly what you're doing. I wrote a post and asked for advice. What I got were my friends telling me I was doing all the right things and that was all I could do. They all understood. Some had concrete suggestions; most just provided moral support. Not one accused me of bad parenting.

If t.v. contributed as much to the problem as some seem to think, the percentage of eating disorders would be much higher. It gets blamed for obesity on one hand and anorexia/bulemia on the other. It's just one factor and might not have anything to do with your child or mine.

We kept talking and talking to all three girls. Rochelle (who is neither fat nor thin) is back to standing in front of an open refrigerator door once again. She has begun turning down treats but other than that, no problems. I continue to watch her.

Follow through with the doctor, eliminate any physical causes, and keep reassuring her. Educate yourself on eating disorders if you haven't already done it. If the doctor suggests a specialist, do it. And, at least for now, I'd let her eat small portions of the food she likes and let nutrition take care of itself. It'll balance out eventually.

Good luck. It seems to be getting more difficult with kids these days, doesn't it.

Reply

Good for you trying to get your daughter help early.

I would suggest (and you probably already do this) that you surround her with people who remind her regularly that you are much more than you look like on the outside.

When I was in college I tutored a junior high school student in Algebra. She was a tall, lovely girl and was very excited to show me her modeling portfolio. I oohed and ahhed over the pictures and then reminded her that life takes funny turns and that school was much more important that modeling. She might not always be pretty, but she will probably always be very smart. Her grandmother told me that coming from someone just five years older than her it mean more to her than when her family said similar things. I was glad I could make a difference.

I hope you can find someone to make a difference for your girl if this turns out not to be a physical condition (while I hope that it is!).

Reply

"I guess that is why I asked for constructive comments."

Heather, that's why I said:

My best suggestion is to find her a mentor. A young woman who you'd like her to model after (so to speak.) [snip] Go to the library, volunteer together, go to museums, take a class together, or take day trips.

Didn't mean for it to be taken as non-constructive.

KH

Reply

I'm 22, while my sister is 19. We are both 5'5", but I am a competitive athlete (also, naturally full-chested) while she is not. She weighs 115 pounds; I weigh almost 160 pounds. And, according to our doctors, we're both perfectly healthy! There's no question that girls today are growing up much faster than they used to, so I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open on all fronts - not only about sex, the dangers of cigarettes, etc., but also about things like what constitutes a 'healthy' weight. It's important to know - and truly BELIEVE, not just parrot back - that there is no 'perfect' way to look.

Also, for what it's worth - my body issues resolved when I started getting into sports. I felt better about myself, and I understood that when I ate well, I was fueling my body to perform. If I cut calories, I felt weak during practice and couldn't perform as well. And as I grew older, I could even feel a difference based on *what* I'd been eating that week, regardless of the total amount of calories. If your daughter likes sports, you might encourage her to join a team - regular exercise works wonders in all areas of your life, but body image is definitely one of the big ones.

Best of luck to you. You know your daughter better than anyone else, so I'm sure you'll handle it perfectly.

Reply

I guess it's hard at that age to understand that there's different types of skinny and not all of them are good or attractive. There's the unhealthy, feel like crap all the time because you're not nourishing your body. Then there's the slender from genetics or good nutrition/exercise. And finally, you have the graceful athlete who might have a bigger number on the scale from her toned muscles, but it doesn't matter because she's too busy enjoying playing her sport to care.

I second the getting involved in some sort of sport. Not everyone enjoys team sports, but there are other options (running, biking, swimming). Or maybe something like an afterschool art/music club or volunteering somewhere. I think it would help tremendously if she was getting more positive feedback for her abilities than her looks.

Reply

I'd also recommend getting your daughter involved with sports. I was a competitive swimmer until I was 21 and I think that really helped me to see my body as strong and beautiful rather than feeling a need to look like people on TV. It's helped me later on in life too - rather than diet, I tend to go for a bike ride to increase my self-esteem. It's only been the last few months (I'm 7 months pregnant) that I've not been able to turn to sports to boost my mood and esteem and I'm really missing it!

Reply

My wife teaches junior and high school, and I used to teach high school. It tears me apart to see wonderful, clever, beautiful girls thinking themselves ugly, fat, or somehow lacking. Girls who hate themselves, strictly based on their appearance. I think the media has a lot to answer for.

Talk all you want about the evils of TV, but I think the BBC's What Not to Wear (not the TLC version) is a great counter to the pressures of being perfect. Their main goal is for people to feel beautiful for themselves, and not everyone else.

I also want every adolescent girl to view this Flash demonstration of how much photo touch-ups are done on magazine models to make them look 'beautiful':

http://tinyurl.com/8mqod

Reply

I began my struggle with anorexia when I was a senior in college. Eight years later I eat, possess curves, and have lost all semblance of self control. I hate how I look today even as my friends and family say how great I look with curves. Kate Moss, the image of whom you put with your blog post, was my anorexic role model. I still want to be that thin, but at 30 I doubt I will ever be that thin again.

I pray that your daughter will figure things out before anorexia gets ahold of her. I will forever more hate how I look, despise my lack of control, and think constantly about starving myself to regain control and my figure.

In case y'all are wondering if I am just in a bad place in my life... I am happier than I have ever been in my life, but still anorexia follows me. Funny how that works.

Reply

Heather,

So sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this.

I have a few personal thoughts for you...coming from a recovered (as much as you can be) anorexic who's now the healthy mother of a young girl.

First, I would not blame yourself about the TV watching. Those images aren't great influences, but I don't believe they cause eating disorders. It's more complicated--a combo of personality, genes, and environment.

A PP mentioned two broad groups of kids who have problems. I think I had both kinds of characteristics, plus I'd been brought up to care overly much about what others thought of my appearance. Plus I have a scary-strong self-will and ability to persevere. Makes one great at school and sports, but also, sadly, at starving oneself. Do you see that kind of strong will and self-control in your daughter? It can lead to problems, but it can also be the force that helps you get well.

Like your daughter, I was a very thin, very active kid. But, when I hit adolescence and got some of the normal teenage-girl features, some of my mom's friends, as well as one of my older relatives, made disparaging comments. "Your body is really, uh, changing. You'd better start watching what you eat! You'll end up like me, ha ha ha!" At times, my mom would repeat to me what her friends had said earlier about me. I became paranoid about my appearance. Puberty is hard enough. :)

I agree with another poster that sports participation can help. Anorexics have a disconnection between their bodies and their brains/selves. Athletics can help bridge that gap and alleviate depression. But be aware of inappropriate comments. When I started visibly losing weight, my cross-country coach told me excitedly about how much my times could improve if I maintained that lower weight or even managed to lose a little more.

Some girls (maybe boys, too) take those kinds of inappropriate comments to heart, while others let them roll right off. Is your daughter especially sensitive to perceived judgments from other people? That personality trait might be a clue into her mindset right now.

If she does have a problem, and you see her restricting food (eating only certain ones, in smaller and smaller portions, cutting food into tiny bits, using small utensils and plates/bowls that make it take longer to eat a small amount of food), then please DO intervene early. Once you let those habits take hold, they are very hard to change. And as her body gets hungrier, she might think less clearly and go even further into anorexia nervosa. Then it gets really hard, closer to something like an addiction. I wish someone had stepped in earlier and made me stop.

So, early action = really good. Be very firm if you have to, and bring in outside support and professionals. Try your best to stop it at this point. It sounds like you're doing all you can.

It's good that you are engaging with your daughter directly. You're telling her right away that you want the best for her--that you want her to be healthy. Keep repeating that..not a "healthy weight," just healthy and strong and capable.

Now that I have a young daughter--she'll be two next month--I'm very sensitive to the kinds of comments your daughter has heard. I have already asked my husband not to tell our daughter things like, "You're too heavy to pick up!" or "You weigh three thousand pounds, big girl!" Sure, she's young, but I don't know at what age those comments might start affecting the way she sees herself.

If friends or strangers comment on her body, I will certainly put a stop to it.

Also, NOT to make you feel like her choices are your fault--they are not--but please be careful not to monitor and comment on her eating habits. You know how with a toddler you put a healthy assortment out and let the child decide what and how much to eat? I now realize that needs to be true for kids of all ages, straight through. My parents' many comments, even when I was a scrawny, extremely active kid, about how much rice I ate, how much salad dressing I poured on, etc., etc., started giving me control issues when I reached adolescence. It's certainly not all their fault, but the comments and monitoring (and comparisons to what other kids ate) were incredibly unhelpful, at best.

Whoa, this got long. Sorry for so much about me, but hope it helps. Good luck to you. You sound like an aware, caring mom.

- LDR

Reply

Heather, I wrote some time ago on my personal experience with bulimia/borderline anorexia. Mine started at 17 years of age. I STILL struggle with it, but have been doing much, much better over the past year.

What is really hard these days is when seemingly well-meaning people who do not know that I have struggled with this will say, "I know, I'm trying to lose those last 10-20 lb., too". The thing is, I'm really not anymore. Similar to another poster, I am about 5'6" and weigh about 160. It sounds heavy, I know, but I have only recently been learning to love my body for what it is capable of, and how strong it is. I used to HATE my body, even when I was 108 lb., because it was never good enough.

Your daughter could possible be at the point I was, AFTER I started losing my weight. I high school, I was about 135-140 lb. and wanted to look like the long, lean girls in school. Even my coach recommended that losing weight would help me with my performance. He never came right out and said that I was too heavy, too. My mother constantly reminded me that I had inherited the derriere from her side of the family. From the time I was little I was the "heavy" one of the three of us girls. I was the one that was really going to have to "watch it". Well, no one had to worry because I was on top of it. I lost about 20 lb. and kept it off at first and trust me, the world applauded. What is so wrong about this is that when I lost this weight I was truly too skinny for my frame. I have a bigger bone structure. At 120 lb. my bones were jutting out all over the place - my collarbone, ribs and hip bones. But I seemed to have it all - I made mostly As and was involved in quite a few school activities. My mother thought it was great until she found out that I had a problem, and didn't seem to understand how it happened?!!

When I was about 120, and getting kudos left and right, I didn't want to lose the applause. By well-meaning people making comments it is obvious that they are sending a strong message - she has something highly desirable, and better hope she never loses it.

After being around 120 for a three or four years, I lost more weight, determined to perfect my body. I have always had high aerobic endurance, but I was running five miles every day for a while. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep all of the time, and my grades during the last year of high school and college started to suffer (was getting more Bs and a few Cs). Finally I think my body rebelled against being starved to death and the weight came back slowly and I looked much better. I remained about 130-140 for about five years until about a year ago, when I have suddenly put on about 20 lb. (maybe from perimenopause, thyroid, or my metabolism being ruined). I continue to exercise 5-6 days a week, and run anywhere from 3-5 miles, 2-3 times a week along with other aerobic activities and weight train about 2-3 times a week. I eat healthy now, mostly organic foods, and take supplements. I have never felt better, but it took me almost 40 years. I would hate for ANYONE to have to fight this kind of battle, but unfortunately, many do, and you would never guess by looking at them. They could even be a good friend and you might not know.

I feel that the statistics are much higher than believed, because there have been so many people in my life who were shocked when I told them of my struggle. They honestly would have never guessed.

You can't protect your child from people making comments like "you're so lucky you get to eat whatever you want". But like other posters have said, reinforce that while your beauty fades, your talents and intelligence will remain. And continue to give her lots of hugs, encouragement, and love, and try to remain aware of what is going on with her body issues. There is only so much you can do. Ann Adams seems to be on the right track with her daughter. This is one of my greatest fears, but I don't want to project it upon my daughters, so we just talk about exercising and eating healthy, never weight.

And I am still waiting for healthy figures to be in style again. I wonder what would happen to the eating disorders statistics if this happened? I am not in any way trying to promote obesity or being overweight, just healthy. I think there is a trend toward this, yet waifs continue to appear in the ads and in Hollywood.

Reply

I am not yet a parent, but eating disorders on the top of my fear list when I do become one. Why? I went to an all-girls school and several of my classmates had serious eating disorders. I watched fun, intelligent, happy girls become sullen, anxious, and poor students when they became anorexic or bulimic.
I almost headed down that road too, but what stopped me was my knowledge (from school, movies, and articles) of what an eating disorder can do to your body, being in good shape (running, roller blading, etc.) and my mother. She noticed after 4 weeks that I had started to restrict my eating. All she said was I was looking too thin and I needed to eat more or we would have to talk about it. It was the best message I could have gotten, especially since my friends were telling me how great I looked.
My mother didn't praise me. She recognized that something wasn't right and called me on it.
So my advice, be involved in your child's life. And having her participate in sports or dance or her own afterschool exercise will make a difference. And if she is concerned about weight, go to a nutrionist to show her that food is not the enemy. Give her the power to make good decisions by giving her the knowledge.
My friends and I tried to help out a close friend in high school. We told a counselor, showed her photos of how our friend's hairline had receeded an inch in a year, and that it was her abusive boyfriend who was telling her she was fat. When the counselor brought her parents in, they were mad and denied that there was a problem. It was right there in front of them and the thought of not having a perfect child made them blind.
Media might be the influence, but it's a child's peers (girls and boys alike) and a parent's denial that fuel the fire.

Reply

Dear Heather,

I am both a student working to get her PhD in psychology, and a former anorexic.

Before I start off, your daughter may or may not be in the danger zone for developing an eating disorder. At nine, she may be thin because she is experiencing a growth spurt. However, the fact that you note she does not appear to be eating much is certainly very worrysome. Nine, although it may seem young, is actually quite a susceptible age for eating disorders to take root.
We all know that society places insane standards of beauty on young women especially. We all know that the pressure to be thin can be crippling. But what you need to know is that that is only one facet of the disease Anorexia. There is SO much more to it than wanting, needing to be thin.

Anorexia is as much a coping mechanism as a struggle to live up to society's standards. Was your daughter always a"good girl" as a child, obedient, sweet, and compliant? Has your daughter always been something of a perfectionist? Anorexics are almost always Type A personalities who hold themselves to impossibly high standards and who are of above-average intelligence. They need order; they need perfection; and they need to feel in control. During turbulent times of life-- like age 9, where puberty is just beginning, kids are judging each other more, and where the focus for most kids shifts from the family/the home to their chosen family [friends]/school-- anorexia is a way for sufferers to feel in control of their life. They can't control their hormones, they can't control their friends, they can't control their homelife, they can't control all the crazy changes going on around them, but they can control what goes in their mouth. Knowing that, and dwelling on it, gives the anorexic an intoxicating sense of power, control, and strength. It is common to find with anorexics a mother who is similarly perfection-driven. They have "perfect" June Cleaver Wannabe mothers, at once domineering and overcaring, at once loving and never to be pleased; she needs to be needed by the daughter, and will subconsciously thwart attempts at independence in order to keep her daughter close. Anorexia is a way for the daughter to create a situation where she solicits care from the mother, who will certainly be concerned over her lack of eating, and try to force or coerce her into eating, but at the same time challenges her mother with the fact that she can't control her. It's a subtle form of adolescent rebellion, where a girl can rebel against her mother without misbehaving, as the anorexic struggles with her need to be good and perfect and her need to separate herself from her mother. (I'm not accusing you of being that way; but I don't know the family dynamics and thought I'd mention it. Said figure is occasionally the grandmother.)

Anorexia also endows the sufferer with a sense of "specialness". Because of their failure to live up to their own impossibly high standards, something that sets them apart so visibly as starving to death is comforting. People will notice her, worry about her. And, at first, envy her. That envy is cocaine to anorexics. Her ability to limit what she eats will give her a sense of superiority over the bestial masses, chewing cud all day. She will feel like a paragon of "mind-over-body", and will have an "exalted sense of having risen to Olympian heights of perfection."
Sadly, even in such fits of perverse pride, the anorexic is never perfect enough. Another pound lost will be another small achievement, right up until the day she dies from organ failure. And, in sick anorexic reasoning, if she is not thin enough, then it follows she must be fat, or at least plump.

Furthermore, because of their perfectionism, it is almost impossible to convince an anorexic that there is anything wrong at all. An anorexic shudders at the thought that other people think there is something wrong with them! They will usually turn hostile and defensive when confronted directly about their disease. That is also why they will guard their secret disease with their lives--literally. Do not expect to help an anorexic by talking to them once, twice, or thrice. They will need to A. insist that there is nothing wrong with them (they are perfect!) and B. defend their friend Ana, on whom they are so dependant. If your daughter develops an eating disorder, do not take her word for it when she says she is fine. Be persistant. She will hate you for it. But it could be a life and death situation.

So, I guess in sum I'm saying that Anorexia is a game of power; of devising a passive-aggressive way of wielding power of oneself, one's parents, and one's surroundings, as well as a way for the sufferer to feel special. It's so much more than just being thin and pretty.

Best of luck.

Reply