How do you decide where to raise your kids?

We're in Texas, and we didn't really choose it either. Our family is here and we need their help right now. My husband's career is here. My career was back in NYC, but we could never afford to raise a child there.

When the baby's older, we may think about out of state again. But it's hard to raise a child without family nearby, no matter what age they are...

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We're in New Brunswick, Canada, and I hate it. I find the culture in the town we're in to be small minded, ignorant and slobbish. Not everyone, just the prevailing attitudes. I've never lived anywhere before where people stop in your driveway to dump their garbage.

I'm also concerned that there is no catholic school board (despite my own atheism, I still find my catholic schooling to have been MUCH better than my public school adventures) and from the other parents I've talked to, I'm concerned about the schools here. That alone is making me seriously want to return to Ontario very very soon.

Mostly, I grew up in a VERY old town where the heritage committees helped keep older properties intact, and being a tourist town, people tended to pick up after themselves, treated others (outwardly at least) with respect, and generally got along. I don't feel any of that here at all, and it's sad. I loved growing up with a solid sense of place, and my current place of living (since I don't consider it home) just doesn't have that.

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We live in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio. We came to Cincinnati for two things: graduate school for me and for my husband's band. Just after we found a place to live I found out I was pregnant with our first child.

We ended up hating the community we lived in, mostly because everyone else grew up there and lived next door to their sister or their cousin or the guy they went to prom with, and there wasn't any room for "new" people. So when my husband got an opportunity through his job to move to Germany, we pounced on it. Our son was almost two, the band wasn't doing anything, and I had quit graduate school to stay home with Christopher.

We were supposed to be in Germany for two years, but the project ended abruptly after only six months. All of our stuff was back in Cincinnati, in storage, and my husband's job was still waiting for him. We moved back; this time to short-term housing so we could find somewhere good and safe and that had a great school district.

We found it, and we used to wonder why we moved back here. But most of our friends from college are here (odd, since our college is in another state), the schools are fantastic, and this city is quite kid-friendly. It's too conservative for our liking, and we somehow managed to find ourselves in a neighborhood full of people too concerned with wealth and status (though there are a few who aren't), but all-in-all it's working for us.

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The surrounding environment where you leave can have serious effect on your children. After reading your post I understand your problem. You want to go someplace where you can live near your friends and relatives so that in time of your need they can come.

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I hear you!

I live in Phoenix. I grew up here. But I'm tired of this culture-free brown town. I crave to live somewhere GREEN. Yes, I know about rain, snow, humidity (everyone here thinks I'm nuts - they're all from another state).

But. My husband is an airline pilot with a base here in Phoenix. He could go to another airline, but then would have to literally start over from ground zero. Everything in the pilot world is based on senority. Pay, schedules, everything.

The only thing we have going for us is that if we REALLY wanted to move to say, Denver, we could. But then Mick would have a three hour commute to work. Bleh!

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I think your home is what you make it. I hear a lot of "this place isn't what I want it to be", instead of "well, this is where I live, so I choose to be happy here". My husband and I have been married 14 years, and in that time, have lived in four states: Illinois, Texas, Indiana, Illinois (again), and Iowa. Now, we're preparing for a move to Minnesota. All of our family is in Illinois, so it's hard for us to see them a lot, but we manage to find friends wherever we go. Consequently, we have friends all over the Midwest, and now, because they move too, all over the country.

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This was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

I'd retired and it was just the two of us. San Francisco was too expensive so we relocated to the San Joaquin valley. Before I could turn around twice, the two of us were five.

It's not the best place to raise kids but we won't leave. It's all they've known and it's large enough to have decent shopping, parks, etc. and small enough to not spend half my life in the car.

It's okay but I'll never consider it "home".

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My husband & I have been thinking a lot about these sorts of things lately. He has been in the military and so we have had little choice in where we live. With out kids - and even with tiny kids - its not so bad packing up every few years for a new adventure in a new city. But as our oldest approaches school age (she's only two, but its going SO fast!) we want to have a different lifestyle. And proximity to the extended family is increasingly important to us. We both were born and raised in Southern California and the vast majority of both of our families still live there. We don't necessarily want to be in the same city as the family (which is probably too expensive for us anyway), but our hope is to be within a days drive. Living on the east coast (SE Virginia) for the last 3 years has taught us that we really do belong out west!

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I am from the Chicago area but my husband and I have lived in Richmond, VA for five years. This has never been home and I miss Chicago every single day, horribly. I've been very depressed here and have found it very hard to make any close friends. People just aren't that open to new friendships here-or perhaps it is just being in my 30's. We have a two year old son and it has killed me to raise him away from my entire extended family, not to mention, it is very stressful. I have no one to babysit in times of need or even just for a night out with my husband. I am beyond burned out and just going through the motions here but there seems to be no end in sight. My husband is completely content here (he is not from Chicago but another city) and has no real plans to move even though he knows I'm slowly withering away here. I don't think it's healthy for our son for me to be this depressed but what can I do? Some people adjust so well away from family and friends-I can't understand it but I envy them. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. It's terrible to feel you have no control over where you want to live and where will make you happiest.

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We live in Portland, OR. I was born and raised here and I can't imagine living anywhere else. I was fortunate that I was able to choose to stay here. Primarily, I chose to stay because I wanted my children to grow up around their grandparents & other extended family (something I didn't have growing up). But also, I love this city. I love the natural beauty - the green (even if it is so because it rains so much!), the mountains, the river outside my office window. I love the number of choices of family-friendly outdoor activities (i.e., rafting, hiking, biking, playing in the ocean, berry picking) and that it can all be reached in a short drive. I find the people friendly and fairly open-minded. It’s definitely not a fashion mecca, but I like that my clogs and fleece sweatshirt are acceptable anywhere here! There is plenty of shopping, a lot of great restaurants and pubs (some truly fabulous beer is made here!). The school system could use some improvement and I often wonder if we are in the right school district or if we should move to a better district. All in all, I think it’s the right place for us to raise our family.

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I am from San Diego while my husband and son are natives of England. We currently live in Springfield, IL. Work is what brought us here, the cost of living and relaxed pace of life made us consider it as a long term possibility, and our incredible group of friends and strong social support network have pretty much sealed the deal. Neither of us has family within 2000 miles, but we have people here who love and care for us as fully (if not more so), and we have been here for less than two years.

Our house was hit by a tornado last March -- and from the very minute that the storm cleared our area, we were taken care of. We had friends and friends of friends showing up at our house immediately to help clean up, rebuild the roof, remove the remains of the garage from on top of our car, chainsaw the fallen trees and remove the debris, etc. They worked for weeks. We stayed with friends and were made to feel completely at home when we had no habitable home of our own.

This place is ugly beyond all belief, there is not a single ounce of personality in the central Illinois landscape (unless you are a lover of corn), and the weather is atrocious 99% of the year. But the people are amazing, the job is good, and the pace of life is perfect for raising a young child. We'll stay. For now.

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We are in the country, outside of Burlington, Vermont. I grew up in Maine, attended boarding school in Washington DC. After graduation, I came here as an undergraduate student attending the University of Vermont. Seven months later, my then-boyfriend moved up shortly after he graduated from art school in Philly. After we both graduated from UVM, we just stayed. My now-husband and I are quite content here, loving how Canada is just 30 minutes away, the nearest ski resort 20 minutes away and the local swimming hole 15 minutes away. Fortunately, we bought our house (with children in mind) before the housing market sky-rocketed. I believe that Burlington is listed in that book as one of the 100 family-friendly communities. ;)

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We're in West Palm Beach, Florida and as of today, we're waiting for final word on a job that would take us to Springfield, Missouri. We actually want to move *to* Missouri. While we know that a good part of the state is very conservative, that's where my parents live and that makes up for having to look a little harder to find like-minded souls.

I think one of the problems with living far from your family is the added stress and expense of regular travel to see them. We have $15,000 of credit card debt that's all travel expenses from the last two years. This way, we'll only have to travel to see one set of grandparents instead of both.

I really like Springfield. It's a quality little city. I'm hoping and praying that this job comes through because one of the downsides to Springfield is that there are only two or three companies with large enough IT departments to support what my husband does.

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I feel ya on this one. I live in SE Missouri.

This is my husband's hometown, but all of his family and most of his friends have moved out of this small rural town. My family is a half-day drive away in Arkansas, but are not helpful for different reasons (wouldn't matter if we lived in the same town). So, basically we have no support network here.

Also, there is nothing here resembling culture. I'm originally from Arkansas (3 college town just outside Little Rock area which has a surprising amount of culture for, ya know, Arkansas), so my demands are not that high. But, something besides Walmart would be nice.

BTW, I love academicians. But, I'm guessing we are not in the same town because we don't have too many of them around (community college only).

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I'm sorry you aren't happy where you are. Is there a chance that a neighboring community might be a better fit for you? Or that your husband will willingly go to court to help you make a change -- provided that you offer visitation for him?

I was raised in a suburb of Cleveland until I was 13, when my parents moved us to the Chicago area. I went to high school on the North Shore, then lived in the city after college until I was 34 and my eldest son was getting ready for kindergarten. I loved living in the city, but the school situation was ridiculous -- either awful public schools or insanely expensive private ones, and the only stop in between would have been charter/lottery schools, which were no guarantee and had no school buses.

So we moved to Evanston, one suburb out from the city and still on the public transportation system. My parents live here, which is great for me and the kids. My commute to work is cut in half, and best of all, the community is amazing. The school my son attends is great, we live in a terrific area that's walking distance to the beach, playgrounds, the train and shops, and it's a very diverse community -- which was really important to me.

The big drawback? Taxes are very high, and property values are insane. It's typical to have to spend $500k for a 3- or 4-bedroom home that still needs plenty of work. We live in the only apartment building for blocks -- surrounded by million-dollar Victorian mansions. That can get to me. But the people are welcoming and interesting, there are tons of activities, and my family is happy here. So if I can win the lottery and get us into a starter home, life will be good.

Did we ever consider living elsewhere? Yes, we've talked about it. But neither of us have a place we're dying to live. We know if we ever get to retire, we'd like to be somewhere warm. We've talked about southern California, but I don't want to move unless my parents do, and none of us can afford it. So I think we're here to stay for a while.

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I grew up in NYC. And that's where my nieces are growing up. I want my nephews down here too, but that's unlikely to happen - they're up at Fort Drum, and there aren't any military bases in the city, not that I know of.

All I want is to see my family children grow up in the same place in the same way that I did, and my sister, and my foster sister. I had such a happy childhood, and we're never lacking something to do.

That said, I think happiness is what you make of it. I see a lot of people, they spend their lives saying "I'd be happy if only this happened, or that happened". I'd be happy if I weighed less, or my husband did his share, or I had a better job, or I moved.

And then they spend all their time being unhappy, and whatever-it-is finally happens - and they're still not happy. They've learned not to be happy, or they're wrong about what was making them sad, or I don't know, but it seems like such a waste.

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We just made the huge move from Portland, OR back to Calgary AB. after being in the USA for almost 10 years. When it comes down to it, we were most concerned with schools, and living close to family. The public schools were in a bit of a crisis when we left last year and we also felt that our kids should get to know their grandparents/aunts/uncles etc. We had some health issues with two of our boys this year and the very low cost health care here has been amazing. We will not receive a bill or invoice after a 5 day stay at the children's hospital! Also the "drop-everything" care we have had in times of need have been amazing. We miss our friends in Portland terribly & the climate & of course all the amenities Portland had(Trader Joes.. Target..!), but nothing beats family, education and low-cost, good health care.

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When I married a Japanese man, I never thought I would be raising kids in Japan -- but it was okay. And then he was transferred to San Francisco, another city in which I never imagined raising kids.

No matter where you go, there are good points and bad points about very place.

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I am in the UK, and live in a small rural town of about 5000 people. We moved here a year ago, as a result of my husband's job move. It's safe (I can leave the door unlocked all day and the car windows open, Finlay can play in his car on the (dead-end) road, the streets are quiet, and there are a few small shops and a nice kid-friendly coffee shop. The health services are excellent (my health visitor is a hero, the midwives are great, two major hospitals within 30 minutes), there is a dedicated Family CEntre with support staff who do home visits, and the schools in town aren't brilliant but there are some in adjoining villages that are good. It's a good place to bring up kids, with plenty to do in the surrounding area. The air is clean (the nearest farming area is organic too) and we have a large enough house and garden for us to be very comfortable (about a quarter of the price for 4x the space in London).

I moved here from London, and it's a big change but I wouldn't ever go back - even though I was brought up in the middle of the city, I couldn't bring my son up there. Having said that, it feels strange to me that he will never have London in his heart as I do, that he will always be a visitor rather than a 'Londoner'.

But there are downsides. It is as far away from the coast as you can possibly get in the UK, and I hate that - it's a 2hr trip minimum to get to a beach, which I can't deal with (my husband is a kitesurfer - he isn't best pleased either!). And I haven't yet met anyone who I can really call a good friend. I don't know if it's because I am a Londoner, or just it's my sense of humour/totally open approach to life, but I really *HATE* living in 'Middle England'. I guess it's like a New Yorker moving to Utah (or Missouri?!), but I find the attitudes too insular, and people just don't get where I am coming from, get my humour, or are as open-minded. I am friends with some girls from my postnatal group, but I think that if our kids weren't the same age, we wouldn't be friends. I know that my son will go to school with a 100% white middle-class intake, which I find difficult- Central London schools were so multicultural, and I think that really shaped who I am.

I can't see us living here for ever - my husband will grow into a new job - but it suits us for now, whilst my son is small and we need a quiet, safe, well-serviced neighbourhood. It might not be exciting, and I may not make life-long friends, but it will do the job for now. Oh, and did I mention my health visitor is a hero? ;) It does matter when they're this small, as they are your first point of contact.

Now I just need to have a word with my husband's boss at the next party about jobs in Sydney, Australia.. :)

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Amy, I can really sympathize with your situation. Sometimes it seems Richmond is a culture shock for pretty much anyone who's not from Richmond. We moved here from Charlottesville, Va two years ago when my husband was offered a job, and still feel the pull of our old town. Richmond can be a very complicated city, one with a perpetual identity crisis -- this entrenched love of days gone by that slams up against the present, resulting in one of the most regressive cities I've ever seen, at least in terms of reform and sustainable social development. Our school options seem limited to two extremes: overcrowded public schools whhere the teachers are leaving in droves after their benefits have been cut, or private schools that offer the economic exclusivity of a country club. Little or nothing in between. I koow this sounds like a litany of all that's wrong with Richmond, so here's my disclaimer: After some digging, we have found things that we like about Richmond, but that said, while I know that there is no perfect place, no where that isn't the result of some sort of trade off, sometimes a place is just wrong for someone. My husband and I, only last week, decided that we would have to reeveluate Richmond in two years and then possible apply for jobs elsewhere. We just can't see ourselves growing old here. We'll spend the intervening time looking for the best in Richmond, not giving in (too much) to our feelings about the city.

As you said, Amy, it can be very hard to meet new people here. If you want to hang out, my daughter and I go to Jean-Jacques Bakery every Wednesday at 11 for coffee and a bite to eat. We are the duo with the tangerine-colored stroller.

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