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The Wisdom of Mary P. (Part One): All I want is my kid to be happy
Filed under: Development/Milestones: Babies
I don't usually cover two posts from the same blog in one week, let alone one day. However, Mary P., who writes Day Care Daze, has written two essays recently that have just blown me away. And basically, I really really wish that I had known her and read her when my kids were very very young, because this kind of child-reading wisdom would have just been invaluable to me. So, as the title says, this is the first. So, in the hopes that you will benefit from these as much as I did, I am linking to them here, and just summarizing them enough to give you a little taste.
Mary P. is a day care provider, and has been for the past twelve years. She cares for tots from babies to age four, and at any given time has a small clientele of varying ages. She has a lot of experience with both children... and their well-intentioned parents. She will often ask parents what they want for their children. And these parents will answer with something that I find to be an answer that I would give as well: I want my kid(s) to be happy. (I wonder what those folks in New Zealand will think of Mary P.'s take on this!)
Mary P. addresses this lofty goal in the first essay here. She writes, "If your goal for your child is his/her happiness, then every time s/he cries, you will feel failure. If your goal is to mold a strong and giving human being, then when they cry you will feel compassion, of course (or exasperation, as the case may be!), but you will know that maturity, like anything worth having, doesn't come easily."
I felt like I had been hit by a lightning bolt when I read that nugget of wisdom. I am going to print it out and frame it somewhere I can see it. I am going to take it with me to every baby shower I ever go to again. I am going to sing it from the roof tops. Mary P. elaborates on this wisdom in her essay, by pointing out that happiness is (or should be) a by-product of other goals. And, most importantly, reminds us that happiness is fleeting. And that there are other, more worthwhile goals, to have as parents.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
7-10-2006 @ 3:43PM
ann adams said...And she's writing even more on a new blog. She's one of the first I check each day (to receive my marching instructions).
Reply
7-10-2006 @ 4:20PM
Angela said...Haha, Ann! I do the same thing. What's Mary writing about? Will it apply to what I'm dealing with today? And, I'm not even a parent!
Reply
7-10-2006 @ 6:19PM
Bonnie said...I only own a handful of parenting books, but if you liked that essay I would encourage you to check out "Too Much of a Good Thing." (Among other topics) it reminds us that saying 'yes' at every opportunity isn't really best for our kids, and that there are far more valuable lessons to be learned from disappointment.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0786886242/103-1198364-7168662
Reply
7-10-2006 @ 11:48PM
Uly said...I care about my nieces' *long-term* happiness.
If they cry now, but it makes them better people in the long run, and it makes them better able to be happy when they're adults, I call that a win all around.
Reply
7-11-2006 @ 8:09AM
Tamyu said...I have to disagree with this. I don`t think that most parents want their children to be happy in a short term sense of the word.
We believe my son will have disabilites. He`s too young to really tell yet, although he`s getting closer to a diagnosis. What do I want for him? Happiness. I want him to be able to live a life in which he can feel happiness and satisfaction. I want him to have the strength to pursue happiness.
I would have to be an idiot to want my child to be happy constantly, on a day to day basis. I want him to have satisfaction in his life - when he is old enough to understand that.
Wanting your child to be happy is a very noble wish for them. If it is the same as my meaning of "happiness", then it is far better than wanting your child to, say, be a doctor, or some other profession. You want your child to be themselves and pursue the lifestyle that gives them the most happiness and satisfaction. Wanting their happiness is an extension of wanting their maturity - you have to be mature to seek out and *make* for yourself a life that truly makes you happy.
I am happy now because I made myself a life that I am happy with. The least I can do is help my son gain the skills to do the same.
Reply
7-11-2006 @ 12:42PM
Mary said...Tamyu says you "would have to be an idiot to want [your] child to be happy constantly". I wouldn't put it so strongly, because I've had clients, loving parents, who actually *do* want this. They're misguided, perhaps, but they're not idiots.
One of my commenters made the interesting observation that because her mother had always said "I just want you to be happy" the daughter ended up feeling guilty and inadequate any time she was less than happy. What had started out as an attempt to reduce parental pressure and express acceptance of whatever brought her daughter happiness ended up being a different expectation - an emotional burden. Not the mother's intention at all, of course, but it does illustrate how difficult it can be for parents NOT to pressure their kids!
The main point of my post was that happiness is a by-product of other choices and behaviours; that happiness is achieved by focussing on other things.
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