The Wisdom of Mary P. (part two): Benign neglect: It's a good thing

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and about how our parents sure never felt the need to "entertain" us. WHile I'm happy to get so much time with my kids, I'm sick of feeling guilty for not spending every single second with them. So I don't. My kids play well by themselves, or together, and they ask when they want my input. But it's hard to let go.

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Now I'm feeling guilty because I never thought I should be entertaining my toddler all the time. He plays pretty well by himself and will happily entertain himself running around with the corn popper or dumping blocks out of containers and then putting them back in. I do play with him sometimes, but I also sometimes sit and read and watch him while he's playing. When he needs my company, he comes and get me.

I'm going back to work August 1, and there's a tiny part of me that wonders if I'll feel bad for the time I've missed... but I also think unstructured, independent play is a healthy thing.

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I think Paul has learned far more from playing on his own than when I try to play games with him. Most of his day, outside of his "cooking" lesson, is unstructured play.

He prefers his own games to any structured ones the parenting books suggest. He's happiest when he has the freedom to explore and examine things in his own time. I only step in if he's trying to do something off limits or to occasionally ask him about what he's doing.

I think people forget that kids need space too, maybe even more than adults do. They have so many new things to process. It must be terribly frustrating to always have someone narrating your actions while you're learning how to think something through.

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As a writer who needs to be sitting in front of the computer for a good chuck of the day, we couldn't have it any other way.

When Kieran needs me, here I am to provide what he wants, but mostly, he wants to play with his toys. I love his imagination. I love that he can sit down with an firetruck, an old thread spool, a hotwheels motorcycle, an old trophy and a cinnamon grater and make up a logical game that can carry him through the entire apartment for an hour.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling guilty of spending too much time in another room and not enough with him hands on, I'll go and try to hang with him. It's not long before he tells me, "You go work on your 'puter now Mum." Hearing that makes me both sad and very proud.

How did we get here: I carried Kieran in a carrier a LOT. I nursed him on-demand for two years and let him decide when he needed to sleep and let him do it in my arms or my bed. When he could sit and play on his own, some of the time he spent sitting on the floor beside me at the computer or doing my own thing. As he got older, his indpendant play oppourtunities were inceased and his boundaries were opened out a little more.

Now, I can trust him implicitly. I could take a 1/2 hour shower and he'd still be playing peacefully away with his toys or perhaps popping into the bathroom to bring the game near me for a little while. I've never been afraid he'd do something inappropriate and my trust has been rewarded.

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I was just having a discussion about this very topic over the weekend with another mom. The guilt though is very real especially for work-out-of-home moms who feel that they have the make-up lost time with their kids.

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Three months ago, we got a puppy and all the memories of my children's early years came back to me at once. The puppy thinks I am his Mom. He follows me around all day. Do I spend 24 hours a day entertaining the puppy? Of course not, what am I, nuts? But, do I stop the puppy from following me around? No, I don't. For some biological reasons of his own, he needs to be around his "mommy" at all times. I allow him to do it, and participate in the family life.
I did the same thing with my youngest son, now 10yo. I carried him around all day. Sure enough I did not entertain him during that time. I just let him be around while I was working around the house or spending time with his brother. This way he was learning new things about his environment and his family, instead of laying in the crib and staring at the mobile. He is 10yo now and his social skills are nothing short of awesome, better than anybody else's in the family. I wish I had done the same thing with his older brother, but I wasn't experienced enough at that time, and had fallen prey to parenting books that said, "if you don't teach your baby to play on his own, you will spoil him". Believe me, parents, the time will come when you won't be able to entertain your children in any way, even if you want to... this time is called adolescence. Enjoy them while they still want to be around you.

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An incredibly insightful and well written article. I have passed it on to as many mommy friends as I can. Thank you!

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She is a genius! And the shameful thing is I did this for my third child, too, because I had had such a long break between babies that I forgot what babies were like. Lately, I've had them every two years, so I CAN'T spend all my time on any baby too long. :)

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