When is attention to your children, too much?

by Sarah Gilbert (Subscribe to Sarah Gilbert's posts) Aug 16th 2006 7:58PM

Categories: Babies, Toddlers, Places To Go

truman sleeping in the bike trailer I just returned from a fun errand with Truman in the bike trailer. We hung out downtown, where everyone commented on his happy perfection. A man heading to his smoke break helped me park the trailer, which wanted to poke out into the truck loading zone. At the yarn store, the other customers exclaimed over his smiley cuteness. Next door, where we wandered through rainbow (no, better than rainbow, kaleidoscope or 1000-pack Crayola) walls of embroidery floss, the owner's little dog sniffed and licked him.

All this, was fun, and I continued to enjoy the smiles from other bikers when we pulled up to stop lights. In order to cross a busy street on the way home, I pulled the trailer with the now-sleeping baby to a crosswalk, in front of a coffee shop. A man sat in one of the sidewalk tables and started commenting on my now-sleeping baby.

"A late night, or an early morning?" he asked, bizarrely. It was 3 p.m.

"Umm, just naptime," I responded.

"How old?"

"15 months," I said, hoping for a quick break in the traffic.

"Oh, that's so wonderful!" he said, gushing, "congratulations!"

Thankfully, I had an opening to cross, because the man's interest just seemed, well, too interesting. When strangers congratulate you on a child, for no apparent reason, do you -- like me -- want to run away as fast as possible? Was he hitting on me? Or is this a normal response to a cute baby?

Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Trisha 8-16-2006 @ 8:35PM

I can imagine how it could seem creepy - but I think that in this case - you just have a really cute kid!

karrie 8-16-2006 @ 8:35PM

I understand having an instinctual reaction that a person is off somehow, but to me the exchange you described does not sound all that odd. It probably would have made more sense had the guy gone on to say something like "Oh, I have a daughter/niece/etc. about his age".

My husband loves kids, and I know when he travels for work and is lonely he is apt to gush over a stranger's baby. He has gotten a panicked look from some of the parents in return.(He's 6ft6 and kind of intimidating appearance-wise) Usually he remembers to preface questions and comments with the bit about having a son, but not always. :)

Its obviously one of those trust your instincts things, but most people who show interest probably just love kids. And many people are just socially awkward and have no idea that they're grilling you vs, making conversation.

Jenny 8-16-2006 @ 9:40PM

I had thoughts similar to Karrie. Usually when someone is really effusive (especially men) I find that they have some other child they are thinking of: a niece, a nephew, a grandchild, their own child, a pregnant wife, something like that. I find the conversations a little awkward too, but I understand the impulse.

Kellie 8-16-2006 @ 9:49PM

I don't think it was creepy at all. My husband travels monday through friday and he misses our son soo much. He said he is constantly commenting on other people's children. He laughs and says he never realized how amazing children were until he had one of his own. Now every kids makes him smile.

That being said, one day I was in a thrift store looking for some things for a painting I had started. My son was 1 at the time and in his stroller. This man kept walking back and forth past him and was staring at him with this creepy look. It was not a smile or a look. It was sick and it was obvious. I told the lady at the front and had him removed. I NEVER judge people by the way they act but this man, in this situation, was absolutely, no doubt about it, getting excited looking at my son.

I am cautious when people approach, but I also know that my kid is the cutest on the planet and how can people not make comments. :)

Do what you are doing and acknowledge peoples comment, but also go with your gut and keep on walking when people stop.

Laura Snow 8-17-2006 @ 3:44AM

Ironic you wrote about this as yesterday waiting for a bus a lady came up to me and asked me a question in dutch and I replied in dutch and then she knew to speak english to me (blush). She then came over and TOUCHED my 3 yr old son on the head to which my son truly flipped out and then she asked where we were going, why, hold old he was, what color hair my husband has and eyes, did I have any siblings, what does my mom look like, and ON AND ON AND ON and I was truly nervous because it seemed this person wouldn't ever leave me alone. It continued on the bus and she got off at the same stop as me (a big one though) and finally we escaped her... but man it could have turned out really bad I think. I would never just go up to a child and his mother and touch him and ask such personal questions!

Bridget 8-17-2006 @ 7:29AM

"Congratulations" sounds pretty mild compared to the attention that a set of multiples gets.

We don't even stop to acknowledge people most of the time.

"are they identical/fraternal/paternal?""

"were they natural?"

"do they have their own language?"

"did you have a c-section?"

"do twins run in your family?"

"did you take drugs?"

"you must really have your hands full"

"double trouble!"

"better you than me!"

"I think I'd kill myself if I had twins"

I'd love to just hear "congratulations!"

Ethel 8-17-2006 @ 8:24AM

Actually, I think your experience is quite mild - all of those folks interacted with you primarily and did not try to go directly to talking to your kids. That is a major pet peeve of mine, and I believe a sign of someone not having boundaries - talking to your babies (not even kids, babies!) without knowing them or you, or even first speaking to you. That, to me, is creepy and way too much interest in my kids. Usually I look at them and say "Can I help you?"

mamaloo, the doula 8-17-2006 @ 10:11AM

Considering all the sidelong glances we get and the paranoia we can feel with our children in tow, I think your reaction is overreaction.

Kids are so wonderful and sweet and adorable and some people still like to acknowledge that. Now, Laura's bus person was getting too intimate, but going for a cheek rub, a head pat or a few moments of generalized adoration is something I consider OK. I often find it's elderly women who do this and I think the reasons are obvious.

In general, those of us who live in cities where we don't know anyone outside of our immediate neighbourhood - if that - have lost the sense of community that people who live in small towns still understand. I welcome all oppourtunities to connect with people who I might not otherwise connect with if Kieran wasn't with me.

Now, if it looks like you haven't bathed in a few weeks, all bets are off!

Anna V. 8-17-2006 @ 10:57AM

#6 - Exactly. I hate when I get asked if I was on fertility drugs. Um, WTF? I do, however, like it when other parents of twins, usually grown, comment. I actually end up getting something out of those quick conversations.

My husband sometimes tells people that one is an animated doll and the other is a real baby. Our twins, although not identical, are the same size. And then they completely ignore our older daughter. Poor girl has said 'hi' countless times to people who have stopped to comment on our twins, only to be ignored by them. That, to me, is just rude.

Meira Voirdire 8-17-2006 @ 11:57AM

It could be that he was some sort of creep character -- who knows, these days. But I'd like to think that maybe he was a new dad.
As a side note -- most people would think nothing of a woman gushing over a cute baby, and women are always complaining that men don't participate in parenting enough . . . and yet a guy gushes over a baby and we (myself included) get creeped out. It's a crappy situation.

Floyd 8-17-2006 @ 12:00PM

I've not had a lot of interaction with children. That being said, we're having our first in December. Since I learned of this, whenever I see babies and little ones out in public, I take an interest in what they're doing. I'll make silly faces and sometimes get a positive response. I've even taken to asking the parent(s) "so how old's this one?" because I really have no clue!! 8-)

Is that weird?

Tor 8-17-2006 @ 12:27PM

Ummm... Yeah. As one of those dad's who travels too much, with two kids at home - I do sometimes compliment or interact with kids on planes, or families who end up near me in the waiting area. I like kids, and I miss my own kids. And no, I am not hitting on you in front of your kids.

While there are guys out there who are creeps and perverts, I happen not to be one of them (at least according to my wife). And to the people who didn't immediately brush me off, I've helped keep kids happy on planes (toddlers love blackberries) and I've offered support when they weren't happy despite everything the mom was doing. Some people appreciate a smiling face or an understanding comment when they are being frowned at by 200 unhappy businesspeople. Others prefer to treat all males as perverts and creeps unless proven otherwise...

Above all, trust your instincts - but I think people do overreact at times...

Paula 8-21-2006 @ 9:21AM

I once had an elderly woman give my then 9 month old a balloon in the local mall! I could not and would not "spare" her feelings. I took it away from him since he was beginning the "everything I touch must go in my mouth" phase. It doesn't bother me if people come up and talk to my baby, it bothers me if they try to touch/grab him or give him something without asking if it is ok with me.

Annie Ford 9-13-2006 @ 10:18AM

My four year old daughter is beautiful. And I am not just saying that because I am her mother. She truly is. Long thick brown hair, enormous brown eyes, pouty lips and delicate nose. Sitting in a shopping cart she gets told how pretty she is and is given stickers and such at stores. In her wheelchair which she is in most any other time, we get deluged. And it is definitely not always pleasant converstation. I have had so many people be so blunt and rude and ask difficult questions right in front of her. Her diagnosis, of course, which is Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type II (see www.fsma.org) and then the inevitable "life expectancy" questions. That happens often enough that I have grown to dislike going out places with her. On Mothers Day this year I had a waitress fuss over how cute she was and all that then begin to question me as I ate. Her final question was "how long does she have to live." I was speechless and the food tasted like straw thereafter. I had to go to the ladysroom and try not to cry. People try to touch Lily and even once a man and wife started talking to us at an icecream shop and we were leary and sure enough they asked if they could pray for her right there with laying on of hands and all...though I do appreciate the genuine goodness people try to extend, I loath the constant questions and stares. Children are a bit easier to tolerate except when they are old enough they should know better, but adults who do this are plain rude, to me. I know that some may have different reasons for their notice and even desire to touch, perhaps they have a special needs child of their own, perhaps have lost a child...these things I tell my two older daughters to try to defuse their growing hostility toward people in general. But as a MomaBear I really would like to be able to go through a day out with my girl without all the talk touch and gawk. For her sake and mine.

How To Submit Photos:
If you'd like your children (any age will do!) featured on ParentDish, upload photos into the ParentDish Flickr Pool. Be sure to read our main Flickr page for more information.