Struggling to balance work/life

Hire a housekeeper.

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Get the dad to help out!!

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Awesome picture! What a bunch of hot mamas!

With regard to balancing life, family, work, etc... This is something I- as a fellow working mom- have struggled with in the past and really, with the birth of my second child, I just hung up my supermom cape and I have never looked back. I can't do it all but more importantly, I don't want to do it all. I have changed my outlook- my attitude- and put the whole mommy guilt act to bed and while life is crazier now than it has ever been, I've never been happier and more fulfilled.

I do what I need to do today and what I don't need to do can wait until tomorrow. My house isn't as clean as it used to be, I don't sleep as much as I want, I can't remember the last time I watched tv, my son is three and my daughter is one and I have yet to put their baby books together, and my husband does not get foot rubs BUT my kids and my husband are happy and healthy, I am able to provide for my family, and even though it is only tennis once a week with a coworker after the kids are in bed; I make sure to always do something just for me.

Best of luck finding out what works for you.

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Hiring a housekeeper would be great -- if you can afford it. Many of us cannot, of course. I'm a Dad in a two-working-parent, 2-kid family who faces the same stress and who has no additional funding for a housekeeper. My first and natural reaction would be to just forget about "balance" and concentrate on the kids and immediate matters at hand around the homefront. Unfortunately, though, my wife doesn't see it that way, so we remained stressed to the max over the kids AND cleaning the house incessantly and put in so many hours a day with child-rearing and "work/life" that I get only 4 hours sleep a night. The result? I stay sick all the time and feel like an empty shell of a human most of the days, numb from going through all the mundane tasks of the day, keeping up at work and trying to interact with the kids as I put them through their nightly routine toward bedtime (by myself while Mom is at work). But I love my kids too much and want to keep my well-paying job to provide for them, so I feel helpless to change the situation. And my wife is inflexible on any change, so I just have to buck up and get with the program. I know I'm not alone here, whether Moms or Dads. I just don't think anyone has magical advice to offer toward helping this situation. "Hiring a housekeeper" or "changing jobs" or other such advice sound great and would work, but are they really practical for most of us?

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I knew there was no way I could ever make mothering and a career work together. Just couldn't do it.

So, I did some career (4 years), now I do mothering. Someday, I guess I'll do more career, though certainly not in the field I was in before (the Army doesn't take old ladies....ones over 31).

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I agree Michael, if I don't get enough sleep I can't function as a *parent*. Oh sure the baby gets fed, and changed, but I just can't put in the love, the play, the fun. It's all I can do to sit in front of the computer or tv and stay alert enough that he doesn't get into anything dangerous.

Nevermind getting anything done like the dishes or laundry.

Although, I do have to say, Thank you for chipping in around the house, I am sure your family appreciates whether they tell you that or not.

I'm doing it alone here and it is overwhelming. My husband is *supposed* to do the dishes, that's it and he doesn't even do that. Many days he is only home for an hour when the baby is awake and most of that is spent getting ready for work. Sometimes he is home after I am in bed too. Like last night he was home at 2am. It was after 5 when he went to sleep. God knows when he will wake up.

Some weeks not only can I not do it all. I can't do the bare minimum. Like laundry and keeping the livingroom clean enough for the merry travelling baby. Not to mention the other chorese piled a mile high. Anyway they are calling to me. Think the baby will stay in his exersaucer long enough to get a load of laundry in the machine?

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Sounds like Michael and I can hang ourselves with the same rope and cut costs. He's right, though. Around my house I instead of my wife am the one who pushes that cleaning and laundry and maintenance and on and on and on has to be done immediately and obsessively. But just because I insist on it doesn't make me right. A messy house, uncleaned bathrooms, wearing the same clothes a couple times, will not make you or your kids sick or unhappy -- but lack of sleep, lack of proper nutrition, varying degrees of depression from trying to do it all, those will keep you sick and worn down, shorten your life, keep your kids sick and reduce the quality of their lives.

I stay home with kids and ostensibly work from home. We have three, ages 6 months, 27 months and 12 years. This is a near lethal combination. Kristin, if it's any consolation, you can quit your job, stay home and quit paying the daycare to take care of your kids, and you'll still be miserable with no time to do anything. Michael's "empty shell" complex is due to living his entire life to work, deal with the logistics of caring for his kids and then clean and wipe and sanitize and launder and worry about those things and then cook and clean and patch and fix, every hour every day of the week. We used to read, watch movies, do things. Now we are cleaning and serving automatons.

In fact on the strength of this outside perspective gained this morning I resolve to try and live like a pig until older kids make it easier to keep things cleaner and neater. Long live dust bunnies and filth.

p.s. to Michael -- Due to some oddball circumstances at my wife's job lately she has been working almost all late evenings, until about 11. Nights are hell. From about 4 until 10, depending on when the 27-month-old goes to sleep, six hours of unmitigated hell. Nights are terrible on your own.

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Although I still struggle with the balance every day, I do ahve some what of a solution.... Get a ROOMBA!!! We can't afford a housekeeper, but our roomba keeps our floors some what clean, at least until we can actually get to cleaning them! My Roomba runs through the downstairs everynight while we are upstairs doing our bedtime routine! With out it, you would be wading through the dust bunnies in my house!!

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Just let it go.

I know, easier said than done, and this from the crazy woman who continually adds new things to her schedule. But you know what? The floor is not clean. The counter is not clean. The windows are not clean. The dust bunnies have evolved complex languages and political structures and are debating a motion to turf out the humans as we speak.

I eat frozen lunches at work. I cook 2-3x week for dinner, my husband does 2-3x, the other nights we heat up a frozen pizza or lasagna. I bought enough cheap pants and shirts for Frances that we don't need to do laundry during the week. We don't have the cash for a housekeeper, but we've found every other cutable corner and cut it to the quick.

Also, it gets easier as they get older. In a few months Nolan will be eating without your help, then putting his own toys away, etc.

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Girl, I do not have the answer. I can sympathize though. My life is a constant rush of work, family, housework, and other obligations. I am in a state of constant stress, and it is starting to wear me down. We really cannot afford a housekeeper, but my husband is militant about having a clean house, and I am going to cut back somewhere else to get one 2x a month, because just the day to day maintenance is overwhelming. I am also 18 weeks pregnant, and I KNOW that I cannot continue this pace for much longer. Add to all this a 4 year old who is in a rebellious stage thanks to Mommy going back to work, and you can see that life is totally insane. Try to focus on the important stuff, and hang in there. Things will get better with time!

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I don't have a housekeeper, but my sister did and they are not that expensive. To get someone to come in once a week and pay them 50 bucks, you can get a lot done (We live meagerly in an overpriced suburb to boot). You deserve to at least look into the cost! Sacraficing a few material extras might be worth it to your mental and physical well being. Heck, I easily spend $50 a week on coffee and lunch at work. My friend trades housecleaning with baby sitting too. There's always a way. There's no use to try and be a superparent. But a supresharer is acheivable!

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Housekeeping, and babysitting if you don't use daycare, are not bad ideas. But ultimately everyone should be able to take care of themselves without hiring help. This is not to say that you're not doing enough, it's to say that you think you have to do too much. You may be expecting too clean, too perfect, while trying to make too many activities. As for noncustodial spouses expecting pin-neat houses on top of taking care of the kids, well...

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Men never blog these kinds of posts.

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A friend of mine once said to me when discussing it how it always feel like something or someone was being neglected; "If you are doing right, that is how it should be."
:)

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Kristin, I'm sending good thoughts your way. I've been there, sister. Heck, I'm still there! The feeling that somebody is being shortchanged plagues me daily. Some days worse than others. Here are my thoughts:

1. Give up on the balance concept. Just cope with the ebb and flow. At any given time someone--or something--is going to get the short stick. That's just the way it is.
2. Don't stress so much about the housework. That's something that's easy for me to say, but much harder to practice. I'm a wee bit obsessive when it comes to cleanliness. Do a load of laundry a day, clean the house every other week, use paper plates to limit dishwashing. And EVERYBODY needs to pick up after themselves on a daily basis. Insist upon this.
3. If you've got close friends and family nearby that are willing to help, take advantage of it. Most people want to lend a hand. They just don't know how to help. I don't know how I could do it without my mother and mother-in-law. Don't try to do it all yourself.

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