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Does the family bed ever end?
Filed under: Toddlers Preschoolers, Tweens, Teens, Activities: Babies, Development/Milestones: Babies, Decor, Bedtime
When my first son was born I was young and terribly inexperienced. Still in college at the time, I was not nearly prepared for all that would come with the new title of Mom. One aspect that particularly kicked me in the butt was sleeping. During the last month of pregnancy I had terrible insomnia followed by a very long and difficult labor. Upon returning home I was absolutely exhausted, so much so that we never even took his new crib out of the box to attempt an assembly. It seemed so much easier to let him slumber by my side, breast feed him in the night and then fall back into a welcome sleep. As easy as it seemed at the time I had no idea whatsoever that getting him away from my side would be a very long effort.
Fast forward 13 years and he is still there. Yes, he and his sister have their own rooms and their own beds but I simply cannot get them to leave for any length of time. When we were living in our own home they would sweetly approach me about 10 minutes before their bedtime, no matter how rottenly behaved they had been throughout the day and evening, and ask if they could sleep in my bed. If I said no, they would dejectedly return to their own rooms and usually migrate to mine sometime during the night. If I said yes, they moved with incredible speed as they burrowed under the covers. Now that we live at my mother's they have not left the big bed even once. I understand that they are traumatized over the death of their grandfather, my separation from their father and leaving their home. Some nights we discuss the possibility of them beginning to sleep in their own rooms. I point out to them that their 2 year-old brother happily sleeps in his crib every night and every day during his nap. But that reasoning holds no sway with my family bed children. It is not as though I am angry at their need for a Borg-like sleeping arrangement, I just worry that this might not be normal. The fact is that they sleep much better when in the family bed. They awake refreshed, happy and ready to begin their days. If they have a bad dream in the night, they can easily let me know and return back to sleep. If they get sick, i can help them to the bathroom with little disruption to the rest of the house. I suppose it has its pros and cons. Other than the raised eyebrows of outsiders, I am pretty comfortable with the arrangement. I figure that when my son starts to enter puberty he will want some space and migrate to his own bed. Perhaps at that point the 2 year-old will take his place.
Fast forward 13 years and he is still there. Yes, he and his sister have their own rooms and their own beds but I simply cannot get them to leave for any length of time. When we were living in our own home they would sweetly approach me about 10 minutes before their bedtime, no matter how rottenly behaved they had been throughout the day and evening, and ask if they could sleep in my bed. If I said no, they would dejectedly return to their own rooms and usually migrate to mine sometime during the night. If I said yes, they moved with incredible speed as they burrowed under the covers. Now that we live at my mother's they have not left the big bed even once. I understand that they are traumatized over the death of their grandfather, my separation from their father and leaving their home. Some nights we discuss the possibility of them beginning to sleep in their own rooms. I point out to them that their 2 year-old brother happily sleeps in his crib every night and every day during his nap. But that reasoning holds no sway with my family bed children. It is not as though I am angry at their need for a Borg-like sleeping arrangement, I just worry that this might not be normal. The fact is that they sleep much better when in the family bed. They awake refreshed, happy and ready to begin their days. If they have a bad dream in the night, they can easily let me know and return back to sleep. If they get sick, i can help them to the bathroom with little disruption to the rest of the house. I suppose it has its pros and cons. Other than the raised eyebrows of outsiders, I am pretty comfortable with the arrangement. I figure that when my son starts to enter puberty he will want some space and migrate to his own bed. Perhaps at that point the 2 year-old will take his place.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
9-20-2006 @ 4:43PM
ann adams said...Mine turns into family during thunderstorms and if one happens to fall asleep while visiting with us in the bedroom.
You might want to correct your Title if possible. I usually ignore typos because it would be "pot and kettle" but "The Family Be" is a little odd.
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9-20-2006 @ 6:04PM
sarah said...If everyone's happy and sleeping, then there's not a problem. Who cares what's "normal"?
The fact is, families sleeping together has been "normal" throughout the world since the beginning of time. Separate beds (and rooms) is a relatively recent invention.
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9-20-2006 @ 5:25PM
Big Grown-Up Mommy (Heather) said...Sounds cozy!
I think you should stop worrying.
Before you know it they'll be all grown up and definitely won't be sleeping with you then. Enjoy it while it lasts!
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9-21-2006 @ 2:20PM
Kimberly said...My Ladies are 2.5 and nearly 8. They both sleep in one big bed with me. In fact, I decided having a bed in the second bedroom of our apartment was a waste of space, so I pushed it up against mine to make a bigger bed, and now that bedroom is the playroom.
I think so long as it's at your kids' direction and not yours it's perfectly normal.
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9-20-2006 @ 8:24PM
Nancy Toby said...Your son is 13 years old and sleeps with his Mom? Guess what!? Unless he's quite unusual, he's already in Stage 2 of puberty. Are you prepared to deal with nocturnal emissions in the family bed?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puberty
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9-20-2006 @ 9:43PM
Adrienne Backus said...I would think that once your son begins to mature, he will self-wean from your bed. If he's already started puberty it might be time to push him gently from the nest, so to speak. But, hey, if it's working for both of you then who cares, really?
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9-20-2006 @ 10:21PM
Tamyu said...My husband slept with his parents until he was 16 - As did the rest of his siblings. There is nothing "bad" about it, but a lot of people will consider it strange. I`m actually very happy for you that your son still feels that much of a bond with you at 13 - before you know it, he won`t want to be anywhere NEAR you, let alone in the same bed at night.
In my husband`s case, he slept in the same bed with his mother or grandmother until he was 13 or so, and then in a seperate bed up against his mother`s once puberty kicked in. When he was 16, he had to move to a dorm in the city to go to high school (They lived too far from a high school to commute each day), and he was blasted into the world of solitary sleeping.
My husband is now the most tender, loving and kind individual I have ever known. Whatever his parents did, they did well.
Trust me though, if your son starts experiencing the effects of puberty, he won`t open himself to embarrassment by hanging around in your bed.
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9-21-2006 @ 7:00AM
Denzylle said...A 13 year old boy and his eight year old sister?
What does Mom do, sleep between them?
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9-21-2006 @ 8:42AM
Amy said...I hope noone who knows your son reads this! I bet his friends would see ALOT wrong with it. But, as for you, consider yourself lucky they love you so much. Most thirteen year olds barely want to speak to their parents!
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9-21-2006 @ 9:04AM
Brenda said...If it is working for you then leave it alone. If it doesn't work for you then gently change it.
Denzylle, there is nothing wrong with a brother and sister sharing a bed. If a brother and sister are behaving inappropriatly towards each other then 1) there are much bigger problems then sharing a bed and 2) not sharing a bed will not stop them.
Though it may be worthwhile to get your son his own bed in your room. Pushed up against your bed or not. To save him some embarrasment ;-) But what do I know? I am not him or you and really what is the big deal with an erection in the middle of the night, and unless he is some sort of crazy sperm making machine I think a pair of underwear under his pjs can contain any ejaculations during sleep. (What's the big deal people, its just ejaculate, it isn't like vaginas are bone dry either.)
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9-21-2006 @ 9:27AM
VL said...I agree with you Brenda. Nocturnal emissions aren't a crisis. Making a huge deal about it, and rejecting a child because of it, would be very scarring I imagine.
I have to admit Heather, I am a little jealous. Although I like only having the baby in bed with us (and only after she wakes up to eat at about 3), I miss my snuggle time with my older kids. Now, no amount of sweets or pennies would persuade them to crawl into bed in the cold mornings and cuddle, and they are only 5 and 2 years old. You are blessed that at 13, your son still needs your affection. You must have a pretty great relationship with each other and that is very special.
And I wouldn't worry about being normal. Most people think that if their teenager isn't swearing at their parents and sneaking out the window at night, they aren't normal. I am sure that is not what you would want.
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9-21-2006 @ 9:33AM
Stacy said...Our girls (almost 7 and 4) love to snuggle up with us and likewise they start out in their room and always end up in ours. Sometimes we question it but then we think in a few years they'll barely want to talk to us so we try and soak it all up right now.
There is no such thing as normal and if suits your family I say leave it - don't try to fix what isn't broken.
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9-22-2006 @ 8:28PM
Jo said...What most people don't even think about is this is what a lot of cultures do normally! A lot of us take for granted were spoiled/lucky enough for each of us to have our own room. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing a bed with a family. I even sleep better when my son is near me, because I don't have worries in the back of my head wondering if he's ok, even if he is just in the other room!
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9-27-2006 @ 5:27PM
Heather said...As we all know, children have different emotional needs. My oldest never cared much for breast feeding as an infant, but she wanted to sleep with us until she was about 9. She is now a very mature and confident 13 year old. My youngest is 2.5, and sleeps wonderfully in her 'big girl bed', but is still nursing once or twice a day (and shows obvious signs of still needing the emotional closeness and comfort it provides). I try very hard to meet my children's individual needs, and not worry so much about what is "normal" in our society.
It's wonderful your children are so close and comfortable with you. Sometimes a gentle parental nudge towards independance is good, but ususally kids will seek it on their own.
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10-08-2006 @ 5:33PM
Amanda said...In no way am I judging any of the comments made here but I just dont understand "why" the need for a family bed, especially at this age? I have two sets of twins, one 3 years, the other set 1.5 and from day one both of the twin sets have slept in their own beds without an issue because they never were taught any other way. You cannot tell me that having your kids in your bed everynight makes you happy...where is the hubby and you time? Where is teaching your child to sleep on his/her own skill being taught? I personally do not understand the need for parents to have thier kids in bed with them? Anyone thinking of family bed sharing...Id think again because I can assure you that after having 4 babies in a very short amount of time...it is AWESOME to have my bed, a place of peace and quiet for me...alone from the kids! Anyone thinking of bed sharing...Id think again and realize that what you do today with your kids, affects all of your tomorrows...thanks for assuring me that what I am doing is right for me, just as bed sharing is right for you...
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10-20-2006 @ 11:06PM
Dawn said...I have two beautiful girls, ages 10 and 12. Both of them will sleep in my bed at any time. In fact, the past week or so, my boyfriend has been asked by both girls if he could go home so they could share the bed with me. I see nothing wrong in this and hope that they want to do this forever; however I know that it will end sooner or later and I am hoping for later.So I hope you enjoy the love you share with your young ones. And take advantage of the bond you are forming, you never know the honest talks you have now.... may well encourage your children to talk more openly with you at a later date!
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12-06-2006 @ 9:03PM
Phoenix said...I've been looking all day for a suggested age for children to leave the family bed, and I can't find one. I don't have children of my own, but I think you're doing the right thing.
I do remember being kicked out of the family bed at 3 or 4... It was a lose lose fight for my parents and I. I can remember screaming throwing tantrums and falling asleep crying on the cold floor locked out of their room.
Later I remember sleeping on the couch with my Mom as she prefered not to sleep with my Father as the marraige took a turn for the worse. Then I remember being scared once again to sleep on my own in my "new house" living with my Dad. This was at age 8. I did learn rather quickly by listening to the radio at night. During this period I believe I slept in my own bed visiting my Mom as well.
But I have memories of sleeping in my grandfather's bed with my Mother. This could only have happened after he passed, which was when I was 12. I do think at this point it was more a matter of convenience than preference, but I can't really remember.
All this to say, at first I thought 13 was a little old to be in a parents bed, but on reflection of my own experience I did the same. Not only that, but I remember the times of seperation as being very traumatic. At some point I definately "grew out" of wanting to sleep in the same room, much less the same bed as my Mom.
And if you're curious... I grew up to be FIERCELY independent. I went to school out of state, and never lived with my parents for more than a few weeks at a time shortly after I turned 18.
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