Where do you go for parenting advice?

My gut is the first place I look. Then it's a phone call to Mom and Dad. Next in line is my biggest brother, who is an awesome dad. As for outside sources... I really like Supernanny. Yes, it's a guilty pleasure, watching that show, but I've adapted a lot of her ideas, both for discipline and just plain fun activities.

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What to Expect The Toddler Years is a great source of information. I've loved every "what to expect" book I've read so far. But you have to listen to your own instincts, though. You know your baby best. In spite of everything that the "pros" say, most children turn out just fine. You can't follow everyones advice!

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The first place I look is online. I have support groups with real moms who have become online friends, I have moms clubs with real live moms that meet in person and I have some friends with babies, although they are younger than mine. My twins are 2 now. But being the first of my girlfriends to have kids, I can't often look to my best friends for child rearing advice. Every once in awhile I'll ask my mom or MIL for advice. But I depend mostly on my own research online. My gut leads me there. So maybe I follow my gut? LOL! I take every piece of advice with a grain of salt and make it my own. One book I have come to like is The Happiest Toddler on the Block.

My son likes to slap/hit sometimes too. I usually hold his hand and say "No hit mama! Mama ouch!" over and over again. He gets the idea. It doesn't happen too often, but it's just a phase and this too shall pass. :-)

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Kristin, my husband taught me the first rule of parenting: teamwork and "being on the same page". I am not that good at it but it does help. Parenting a child requires lots of trial and error, as well as consistency. If you don't tell Nolan's dad what you think you might try for dealing with a behavior, he doesn't get a chance to offer his input or support you in a decision. The putting him down/walking away technique for hitting REALLY does work, although it seems cruel, Nolan will not get the desired reaction from you. Most likely you will only have to do this a few times and he will learn. The advice you got about redirecting him and showing him gentle touches also is good. No, the internets are not always the best place to get advice, but you are intelligent and can certainly filter out the stuff you don't agree with. When my daughter was smaller, I practically lived on the bulletin boards over at Babycenter. My family gives terrible advice and all of my mommy friends have children who have very differnt temperaments than mine. As Nolan grows and changes, you have to stay one step ahead of him!

http://www.babycenter.com/toddler

http://www.babycenter.com/bbs

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I go with my gut a lot and I also will give a shout out to God for the really tough moments or when I am feeling really frazzled. I don't have a lot of good parental role models to go to for advice, my own parents weren't that great at it. I think those "What to Expect" books suck it big time. They offer pretty generic, politcally correct advice. There have been a few people I "met" on the internet and got to know that had some parenting experience and had some pretty good gems of advice to offer. But really, I have been following my own instincts a lot. Well, I also read a lot, but not necessarily parenting stuff, more sociology and psychology stuff, and stuff that pertains to being the kind of person or example I want to be, which in turn helps me to know the right thing to do in the parent situations.

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I follow my gut and my husband I talk about the "big stuff." I don't often ask other people for advice because no one lives my life so they don't really *know* what's best for us. We do consult experts about Christopher's various neurological things, and I talk to the teachers about school stuff. Mostly, though, I just follow what I think is best.

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I use all of those things. I also have the added benefit of having 7 years of ECE behind my belt. Of course most of that was all done by professional without kids of their own LOL but I think your gut is the best thing to go with.

On a personal note I also think that putting him down when slaps you is perfectly fine. How did your husband think you should handle it?

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I think that your taking the advice that several parents gave you online, that was non-violent or mocking was perfectly fine. I doubt you would just follow anything you read online. You took what you believed might work and used it. You followed your gut instinct. But even our gut instincts need a little advice on some things. If you find something that feels right for you from a stranger online, I dont see how its harmful to you, your child or your family. Perhaps your husband is feeling left out of the decision making process. Who knows. Either way, you did nothing wrong by trying something out. How will you ever know if something works if you dont try it? Best advice I can give, find other parents who raised their children in a way that you feel comfortable with and ask them about what worked for them. I think your loyal readers have shown that they agree with your idea of parenting for the most part, and in a way you do know them. Good luck hon.

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I go with my gut feeling and then check if my gut tells me I'm right by looking up the issue in this book: Natural Family Living by Peggy O'Mara (same person who runs Mothering magazine). Peggy rocks!

http://www.mothering.com
http://www.amazon.com/Natural-Family-Living-Mothering-Parenting/dp/0671027441/sr=1-1/qid=1160588707/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-9253210-9269706?ie=UTF8&s=books

My ideas of how to raise children is SO different from most people, especially my family. I don't ask people for advice mostly because *they* ask me for advice. ;)

P.S. I don't advise you to put Nolan down if he's hitting you. Like I said yesterday, better to redirect. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent and he will stop doing it. For example, give him a coffee filter to play with while you are getting your coffee. =)

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Um well, since you took some of my advice there I will tell you I get it from my mom who teaches parenting. Specifically Adler's student Dreikur who believes in natural consequences. This method require not one's gut but careful thought and actions in dealing with children.

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If it's something pressing or really important. I call my mom. She is the best mom in the world and she knows EVERTHING. Literally. LOL JK Anyway, I also participate in a message board that I've been part of for 6 yrs. I trust their advice there too.

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1. I check with my sister and brother-in-law. They're their kids, right? As it happens, we all agree on many of the child-raising choices, so I'm never feeling conflicted on what to do.

2. I check with my mom.

3. I ask other people I know, online and off. Most of my social life is online.

4. I ask random people online, in parenting groups and whatnot.

5. I read books and articles on the subject.

6. I think a lot, and observe. When I realized that the "timed time-out" wasn't constructed, for example, I came up with a new method that works for Ana - she tells me when she's ready to talk. Sometimes that's half an hour or more after she sat down, but that's okay, because she's in control over herself.

7. Then I distill all the information and, after running it by the parents again, come up with the Perfect Solution. (Or, sometimes, the not so perfect solution, in which case I try again.)

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I'll also add that there's a very good chance your real life people will give you the same advice (put him down) as the online ones. That's the advice I've heard from everyone in the real world myself :)

I know it seems mean, and if you decide not to use this technique, that's your own business - but he's not going to be harmed by crying for a few seconds while you remind him not to hit.

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I don't do a lot of asking but I read a lot and I listen. Much has changed since my own kids were children and I've learned a good idea can come from anywhere.

We talk about teens a lot on my blog and if nothing else I hear a lot of "I know exactly what you mean" along with ideas that may or may not work with my gang.

Usually though it's instinct and knowing my own little group better than anyone else.

Uly, I use the same timeout method as you. When they're ready to talk without screaming at me and slamming doors, I'm ready to listen. Meantime, they've lost their audience.

I did the same thing with our one biter (never had one that hit but the biting made up for it). She bit me, she was put down with a very firm no and a disapproving look. It worked with her; it might not with another child.

That's the most important thing. Much of this child raising gig is trial and error. If something doesn't work it's no big deal, we try something else. Eventually we'll hit the right combination.

I'd put Nolan down after the first slap and let him know it's inappropriate behavior. Another commenter would distract him. Neither of us are wrong.

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Some of the best advice I have ever received is "trust your instinct." I think a parent's intuition and good common sense are a great combination. I also like Power Struggles by Dr. Becky Bailey. It has changed the way I interact with my 22 month old incredibly. I HIGHLY recommend it.

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K - Listen to your gut, but also your logic. Is he hitting because he doesn't know not to? Is he mad? Does he think it is funny? Find his modivation and go from there. You don't need the internet to tell you how to be a mom - you're doing a great job.

For what it is worth, after my gut and logic fails me, i go online, or talk to Tom. Usually both, since whatever we decide has to be consistant. If every time i put her down for hitting/biting/scratching me, he comes and picks her up, it doesn't send the message. Talk to Rob, see what he thinks, make a plan and stick to it. You will be fine.

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As a first-time mom, I found myself spending a lot of time online looking for answers to a lot of questions.

What I quickly learned is that friends and other parents are the greatest resources. But I also discovered that the abundance of parenting knowledge available on the web and passed between everyone is very fragmented and disorganized.

That inspired the birth of MothersClick.com, what Y! Tech recently called "...this site could be a godsend." http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/devlin/5325

We'd like to think so, and hope you will, too. :)

Start a group by inviting your trusted circle of friends, and share the knowledge and support.

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ONLY take parenting advice from people whose children you would want to live with.

When my child was born, there was a veritable Greek chorus of advice. Being a people pleaser type, I tried to do what everyone said, and I made myself insane. When I finally realized that I wouldn't take any "do what I did" business advise from someone whose business was failing, I put the same criteria to work on the Greek chorus, and narrowed it down to 3 (now 2) people. My mom (because my siblings are awesome), and my mother in law (because I live with her son... the other one, though, I don't think I'd live with, so I only listen to her half the time). Occasionally I'll take benign advise (such as, "Hey, I just tried this baby shampoo that smells really good...") from others, but for the big stuff - discipline, feeding, parenting philosophy, etc. - I go to Mom.

There may be more people in your life whose kids you would live with, so you may have more people to listen to. I had a friend who I listened to at first, but her kids are getting pretty screwed up, so I took her off the list.

I don't listen to my pediatrician when it comes to parenting, because I don't know his kids. They're probably awesome, but until I get to know them, he can't be on the list. I only listen to him on parenting issues (note the difference between parenting and medical issues) when it gels with what feels right to me. If I can't decide, I run it by someone on the list (usually Mom).

Now, on to your behavior issue, I learned in Applied Behavior Analysis 330 in college that you can't replace a behavior with a vacuum. That's why people who quit smoking successfully often start chewing gum or fingernails or something - they've replaced an unacceptable or dangerous behavior with a less unacceptable or dangerous one. My daughter is the same age as Nolan, and she's been pinching and biting lately. I realized a few days ago that I'd been saying, "We don't pinch," or "We don't bite," without giving her an acceptable alternative (oops), so now I say, "We don't pinch, pat Mommy with you hands gently," (or, "No, pat nice," for short when I've said it 88 times). I'll also say, "We don't bite with our mouths, we give kisses." Amazingly, this is working really well, and the behaviors are starting to become less frequent. The individual instances of pinching and biting behavior are also lasting a shorter amount of time, because she'll start patting or kissing instead (usually). After the fact, I make a serious effort to figure out why she's frustrated, and to relieve that frustration by either giving her what she needs (i.e., she's pinching because she wants something to eat, and she doesn't have another way to get my attention), or distracting her, (i.e. she wants to play with my cell phone, but I don't want her to call Mongolia again, so I give her something else that's got buttons that is acceptable for her to play with).

When she's not pinching or biting, my kid is seriously delightful, well-behaved, happy, and smart, so you can listen to me. :)

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