How to handle an inappropriate comment?

If by abnormal he means a close, loving relationship, then I'll take that any day!! Children just blurt things out sometimes without thinking. I hope that I'm as close with my kids when they're older. :)

Reply

I think you need to remember that boys are not encouraged to be loving and kind, and boy's who are more nurturing are "mama's boys." When it comes to emotional vulnerability, society has very low expectations of boys, which is very sad. From what I gather from your posts, you and your son have a very close and caring relationship. That is abnormal in our culture, and also something to be envied. I wish more boys were encouraged to be loving.

Reply

This is your 13-year-old son who still sleeps in his mother's bed? Perhaps the friend was addressing that. Hard to say, but you have to admit it's a fairly unusual situation.

Reply

He's parroting something he's heard without having a clue what he's talking about. I'm glad you reported it because that kind of talk has a way of taking wings and becoming very twisted.

I agree with VL (I usually do).

Reply

Hi. THis is my first Blog entry anywhere, but as a new mom i am very interested in this one. I have two things to say in regards to this blog. First, I wanted to address the comment left by Nancy T. I read this entry twice before i decided to reply and I dont see anywhere that she has stated that her 13 year old son and she sleep in the same bed together, if I'm wrong, plese tell me, but I don't undertand that entry at all. Second, as I said before I am a new mom, of an 18-month old son. I am also debating on leaving his father for several reasons, mainly due to temper problems, all I can say is that I applaude you for staying so close with your son through the ups and downs in life. Life is not a fair playing field for anyone, maybe the other boy doesn't have a very close relationship with either of his parents and just envys the relationship you and your son share. I agree with both VL and Ann! I love my son more than life itself. (I never thought I could love someone so much.) Keep doing everything you're doing Your son will grow up to be a much better man when the time comes for him to step up to the plate of fatherhood.

Reply

Katie, (if I may respond for Nancy in this matter), Heather has mentioned previously that she still has a family bed, which includes her 13yo son. If I was more ambitious, I'd find the entry, but it's there somewhere.

Reply

Actually, I'm with Nancy on this one. I too remembered the earlier post about the family bed, and I definitely think that if any of Loren's friends know that he sleeps in his mom's bed, they will think it's "abnormal". I'm not necessarily saying that I think it's wrong - to each his own - but I don't think you can say that it's the norm, at least not in this country. I would be willing to bet that's at least in part what the kid was talking about.

I do agree with VL - and if I had a son, I would hope that he would be sensitive and loving. And it's great that you have a close relationship with Loren. Is Loren aware of the comment the boy made? I wonder if it might be a good idea to talk to him about it...

Reply

Nothing wrong with being "abnormal", it just means not normal or average. Most of us are abnormal in some way or another.

Reply

For what it's worth, I agree with Nancy about sleeping in the same bed with a teenage boy. Not that it matters what I think.

I bet that kid is jealous that you actually have a close relationship with your son. Did u see HIS mom participating in the event?

Reply

I would agree with Ann Adams, that he is parroting what he has heard somewhere. Which leads me to believe that other children or other parents know that you and your adolescent son sleep in the same bed.

I don't see how you can take offense, though, like a PP said--abnormal just means not average. The average mother does not sleep with her teenage son. The boy is ultimately stating a reality--it is not "normal" to sleep with an opposite sex adolescent.

Reply

Yes, I didn't mean that there was anything necessarily wrong with sleeping in the same bed with your 13-year-old son, and probably the friend's use of the word "abnormal" was not very tactful, but if the son's peers are aware of this situation they are bound to find it highly unusual and make remarks about it, sooner or later.

Reply

Here's the original post, just for reference:
http://www.bloggingbaby.com/2006/09/20/does-the-family-be-ever-end/

Reply

Well... sometimes things need to be said and if he felt that it needed to be said because he was privvy to that information... then good. Im just in shock right now about the 13 year old in his mom's bed thing. I guess appropriate is in the eye of the beholder...

I really cant form an opinion -- except to say that if this is a lifelong sort of thing, he may have an issue in any future marriage.

Maybe your son talks about this stuff at school... or else why would there be an opinion at all?

What does he think?

Reply

FYI- The family bed post was more of my struggle to get my kids OUT of the bed, not an announcement to the world that this is what I like. I also stated that my children have been VERY traumatized in the past few months and they are sticking VERY close.

What I didn't include in the inappropriate comment post is that the boy who made the comment has deep issues with his own mother and I suspect he has issues with the closeness I share with Loren.

Again on that pesky family bed issue.... a number of the children, both boys and girls, from my son's class still venture to the family bed when in need. It is a small Waldorf school and fairly open to the whole sensitive parent thing. I have discussed this issue, and my frustrations, with the other parents. I am working on slowly "weaning" my kids from the bed -hopefully without hurting their feelings and wounding them for life. I'll likely write a post about it and share the progress or failures.

As always, thank you for the comments; they are helpful and lend insight.

Heather

Reply

Heather,

With all due respect, that's not what came across in the post just over a month ago about the "family bed". You said "Now that we live at my mother's they have not left the big bed even once" and "Other than the raised eyebrows of outsiders, I am pretty comfortable with the arrangement."

This sounds a lot like a raised eyebrow of an outsider.

I think a teenage boy can probably be told "Please sleep in your own bed" without, as you say, "wounding them for life".

If this is the kind of thing the peers say in public to the mother, you can be sure they're saying twenty times that to the son, and in much coarser language.

Reply

be careful heather, the sharks smell blood now. . .

Reply

JD, Lordy, I guess so. Whew. You never know what will get people into an uproar.

Yes, I have been comfortable with the arrangement since we moved in with my mother. My kids have been through alot and have needed comfort. However, everyday is a new day, and lately? I've been feeling a tad bit cramped with two dogs, my kids and me all angling for a bit of room.

NT, I am sure I'll think of a way to gently urge my fledglings into their own sleeping spaces. And when I do, I'll post it up for some good reading fun.

Reply

I remember going into my parents room at around 12 or 13 after waking up from a nightmare and my dad gently telling me I was getting to old for this and needed to be a mature example for my little sisters(they were 5 and 2). He suggested I make a pallet on the floor next to the bed (which sounds mean now, but I didn't take offense) and he held my hand until I fell back asleep. Looking back, I think he was wierded out by my developing body; this was right around the time we stopped wrestling around, too. I don't think I was wounded for life. I saw it as a part of growing up. I think middle school is a very transitional age and some kids outgrow the need of a parent's comforts faster than others and you do what feels "normal" for your family. While my son was at the his-head-hits-my-bosom-when-we-hug stage, he was very awkward and quick about hugging me. Now that he's reached the his-head-hits-my-shoulder-when-we-hug age, I get a lot more hugs from him. As an adolescent teacher, I think it is very normal for kids to vascillate between wanting to be a dependant child and being an independant teenager. Later, when I was in college, my dad died. For weeks (months?) afterwards my sisters (by now in 5th and 7th grades), my mom, and I all slept together in my parents' bed. It worked better than taking a valium and if anyone woke up crying, the rest of us were there to comfort her. Even now that I'm married with two boys, when my siters come over we still end up all sleeping in the same room, spread over couches and the floor. My husband just rolls his eyes at our slumber parties. You do what works for your family.

Reply

Rebecca,

Thanks for the support. It is so good to hear your experiences. This is an issue for my family right now. I want to be there for my kids in their time of need and grief while also being sensitive to where they are in their developmental stages.

It is always a process.

Reply

"be careful heather, the sharks smell blood now. . ."

J.D., you come accross as a real smart ass. Not too sure I'm enjoying your return.

Reply