The parenting patent files: Centrifugal birthing apparatus
Categories: Pregnancy & birth, Gadgets & tech
I was a patent lawyer for a couple years. During that time I saw some pretty wild patents, but nothing like some of the patents I've seen relating to parenting gear and parenting products. I'm going to bring back Blogging Baby "Tech Tuesdays" and share some of these crazy patents.The first patent is Patent No. 3,216,423 (1965) patent for a Centrifugal birthing apparatus. According to its own text, this patented device "utilizes centrifugal force to facilitate the birth of a child at less stress to the mother. It is known, that due to natural anatomical conditions, the fetus needs the application of considerable propelling force to enable it to push aside the constricting vaginal walls, to overcome the friction of the uteral and vaginal surfaces and to counteract the atmospheric pressure opposing the emergence of the child. In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the muscles needed in confinement. It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts."
If that doesn't sound crazy enough, be sure to check out the pictures. They're like Leonardo Da Vinci meets Terry Gilliam. It's too bad this technology never caught on, because that would be a pretty sweet birth to videotape.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
pbl 10-31-2006 @ 1:57PM
as if I didn't barf enough during labor/delivery.
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becca 10-31-2006 @ 2:09PM
they suggest that the optimum speed for delivery is 8 g's.... need I say more?
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marnie 10-31-2006 @ 3:49PM
My husband and his cousin had this exact idea when I was pregnant with my first child. Thank goodness they didn't get as far with it...
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mamaloo, the doula 10-31-2006 @ 4:14PM
*jaw drops*
*quickly picks jaw up off the floor*
*shakes head*
I just have to conclude that the person who created this was a man (because I don't think a woman would ever think that was a good idea), knew next to nothing about the physiology of birth (because good old fashioned birthing positions like kneeling, squatting or standing are far more effective than this could be), is unfamiliar with the concept of liability insurance (because, can you imagine what could go wrong?!) nor realised that hospitals have neither the room nor energy budget to install these suckers in the L&D department!
What a hoot, JD!
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Jessica 11-01-2006 @ 9:03AM
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and looking at those pictures!! Thanks :)
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wookie 11-01-2006 @ 9:52AM
Heinlen at one point bandided using artifical gravity to give that extra "push" as well.
Created by a man indeed.
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Lea 11-01-2006 @ 4:14PM
HilARious! So, when the baby pops out...it goes flying? Or I guess that mesh diaper thing is supposed to catch the poor thing. The patent processors must have had a good laugh at this one.
Yes, so much for the many gravity-assisted positions that don't involve spinning around!
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Southerncharm 11-15-2006 @ 9:26PM
If I was put into one of those things, the person responsible for doing so had better be on vacation when they detach me from it, because we're going to have a "come to Jesus meeeting" when its all over. lol
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