Sharing the kids for the holidays

At some point, when your kids are old enough, I think they should get to decide, within reason.

In the meantime... do you all share custody pretty evenly? If so, then rotate the major holidays (probably xmas and thanksgiving if you are christian-leaning folks). So they're with one on thanksgiving, dad on christmas; and you flip next year. Do other holidays even count or are they long weekends? I'd suggest rotating them, too.

However, if your kids are with you most of the time, then maybe they should spend holidays with dad, because that's the time they have off from school.

I lived with my mom and my dad was several states away, and I spent all my holiday time with him because it was my only holiday time. We'd celebrate Christmas with my mom before or after. And I learned to appreciate that the holidays are about family, not necessarily about one specific day.

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My SO and his ex negotiated Thanksgiving and Christmas, only because their lawyers said so (and I have a feeling it'll be decided on the fly every year anyway, because circumstances, schedules, jobs, etc. change). Everything else will pretty much be business as usual. If Valentine's Day falls on a Mom day, that's where it will be (and Dad can celebrate later if he wants). Same with Halloween, same with birthday (although for the last two years, they've celebrated birthdays jointly).

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My heart breaks that you have to start considering all of this, but it is indeed important to get details on paper!
I had a friend that sat down with her ex and laid it all out for Chirstmas-she had them Christmas Eve day till mid afternoon,then he and his family would do Christmas Eve with the kids, with a reasonable drop off time for bedtime back home with mom, and they could do Christmas morning with Mom so she could enjoy the morning madness. around noon, he was welcome by for a snack and to have the kids overnight back at his house. Yes, a lot of back and forth but then neither has to be apart from kids the entire day and each parent has a Christmas night with them. And as far as holidays, each year they rotated the lesser ones. Thanksgiving was another one that had to be spelled out, it usually ened up being rotated depending on whom was hosting dinners and if it involved traveling.
Now, these scenerios only work if you live in the same town. I don't know what people do that live in entire other states.
They also made it clear not to talk badly, or bring up sore subjects at holidays, and to welcome half siblings and be civil to new spouses/sig others. Sometimes that was harder than others. And to always be welcoming when it came time for pick up/drop off so that there was no stress, even if it ment being sad when the door closed and they left. Good Luck to you!

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I'm absolutely against the kids deciding. When kids have that much power, they don't like it. I find that it's much better to teach them to respect the schedule. That way the different households (and their integrity) are respected also. Everyone gets along really well that way (without, might I add, any accidental pregnancies :) )

We do every other holiday. The years we get Xmas, the X gets Thanksgiving, etc., It's pretty standard, predictable, and in the end, enjoyable. Besides, if you get to celebrate Xmas on 12/31 (which is when we do every other year when we get New Year's Eve but no Xmas), then the gifts can be bought on sale!

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My ex-husband and I went back to court a few months ago to rearrange visitation. This is the first year that my two girls, 10 and 5, will be spending Christmas with their father and his new wife, who live about eight hours away.I am worrying about it, being paranoid about the weather, driving conditions through the Pass in December (all based around the fear that I won't get them back on-the-dot like I want).
I don't know how to handle this yet. My oldest doesn't want to go, and she thinks that the courts should listen to her *now*. I have to force my smile a bit, but I tell her that as he is her father, he deserves a little bit of her around special times.
And then I pour myself a drink. (No, not really.C'mon.)

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This post is very timely!

Yesterday was my daughter's 8th birthday. I've spent the majority of the weekend with my ex-husband, my daughter's stepmother, and my daughter's stepfather (my new husband).

The 4 of us took my daughter just about everywhere in the last 24 hours, except for sleeping in the same house.

We're lucky, and given the way people react to us, I think we're a rare example of a family that has tried to make the best of a divorce.

We do not follow what is in our divorce papers, because my husband's family's big holiday is Thanksgiving, and my family's big holiday is Christmas.

On my birthday, my daughter stays with me. On his birthday, she stays with him. Every other holiday? We tend to take turns.

If it's really important, like her birthday, we're both involved in the planning, and we both split the cost.

My daughter's only complaint? She couldn't decide who she wanted to go home with tonight, so she ended up splitting the rest of the weekend- half with me, half with him.

We get along well, and we make a point to put her first.

I wish that could be the case for all families of divorce.

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I helped to raise my step-daughters. We would flip-flop the 2 biggies - Thanksgiving and Christmas and because my husband and I traveled for the holiday we would have them the entire holiday. We have people in the family that try and negotiate time slots on Christmas Eve and Christmas and it is very difficult with the kids. We liked that we enjoyed the whole holiday uninterrupted.

If it was not our Christmas, we would all hang out together one night before and open the presents just like it was the big day. It was still very special, just on a different day.

It worked great and for now, at least until the girls get married, they still alternate. We were against having them choose because we felt it put too much pressure on them.

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Wendy Mac, thanks for sharing your family's experience! It's heartening to hear about a family that really does put the children first.

Sniping about ex's and stepparents is about the worst thing for a kid to hear. It sounds like you've gone in the opposite direction, which is wonderful.

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It is nice to hear about families sharing time. My problem is that I don't want to share any special "family time" or holidays with my ex's girlfriend around. He cheated and I don't want my day ruined becaude I have to be nice to her. I don't even want my kids(4&2) around her. I certainly don't want my kids to receive anything from her because then I have to explain who she is and why she is around. Am I being selfish or just protecting myself and my kids?

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Stacey,

It's absolutely fine to not spend ANY time with your ex, particulary during the holidays. In fact, if you and your ex have a better time with the kids on your own, then so much the better. That's pretty much the standard among divorced or separated people. In Wendy Mac's case everyone and their new partners can celebrate together, but that doesn't work for most of us even when we do put the children first. When you bring new children with new partners into the equation, spending holidays together becomes less and less possible even under the best of circumstances. In my situation, none of us like each other, and that's just fine too.

The children would rather have a less stressful time and see their parents separately than have to suffer through having them in the same room.

That said, when it's your ex's turn to be with the kids, you don't really get a say in how your ex spends his time with his kids (barring any dangerous behavior). Nor should you. If and when you begin dating and having anyone important meet your kids, you certainly don't want anyone telling you who your children can and can't meet.

You don't have to explain her to your children either, that's their dad's job. You can call her their father's friend.

But I should warn you that whatever attitude your children see you having towards your ex's current girlfriend will come back and bite you in the ass when you start dating. You will want your children to respect everyone you bring into your life and you will have to model that behavior. Your children will be better off for it and down the road, so will you. It will help you move on from ugly feelings and bitter memories.

The best thing for you, it sounds like, is to build your new life apart from your ex while you let him build his. You should have your family holidays and let him make his separate from his.

The best revenge is never needing to seek it.

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Thanks Anonny--

It is scary how perfectly you hit the nail on the head. Are you sure you don't know me? I do in the long run want myself, my soon to be ex and more importantly the kids to be happy. I have just learned over the last couple of years that with kids you aren't supposed to introduce them to another person unless it is really serious. I know that I don't have control over what he does, I am just scared to have my kids around her. I have met her and heard too many stories about her and it is not someone I would choose for my kids to hang around. I guess that some of the anger comes from the fact that we are still married(albeit separated) and I am hurt he found a "replacement" so soon. I wish this was all easier.

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It's the week before Christmas, and I'd thought everything was worked out until a couple of days ago. Every year my ex pulls some kind of stunt to get what he wants for the holidays, regardless of what our custody order sets out for us. It's happening again this year, and I'm at a loss about what to do.

The kids are supposed to be with me for the first week of the vacation, but have dinner with their father on Christmas Day. Then they're supposed to be at his house for the second week of the break.

My older son--he's 17--has been staying at his father's house for the last few months. He's been under a lot of pressure to "show support" for his father, who will not stop dragging us into court, even though it's been about three years since the divorce. My son and I get along well, but this separation has been hard. He walked out in the early summer in a rage, determined to show me who was calling the shots in the family (that means: not me), and threatening to help his Dad ruin me financially. Our son's therapist told us that this boy could not be allowed to threaten his mother, and could not under any circumstances have his threats made real. He suggested we meet with our son and explain this to him, and then take a united stand on it. My ex agree initially, but changed his mind two days later, and then started litigation (surprise!). He's tried to convince our son not to see me "until things get worked out." He's also refused to pay the therapist for sessions directed towards resolving the conflict between our son and me.

I had dinner with my son on Friday. He told me that he wanted to spend the first part of Christmas day with me and his younger brother, but that there was no way his father would let him do that. He's got the next day planned, and then is going out of town with his father's family. He doesn't want to go out of town, but said that there was no way he would be allowed to stay at home, or come to my house.

My younger son--he's 12--is supposed to be with me. However, a couple of weeks ago I'd agreed that he could go with his father's family on an overnight trip to see some relatives. This was very important to my son. It meant that he would be gone for two of the days he should be with me, but I didn't argue about it. I agreed he could go.

I've just learned that this particular trip has been postponed a couple of days, and that I wasn't supposed to know about the delay until after my younger son was already with his father, when it would be too awkward and unpleasant to change the plan. In effect, I was giving up two days, and have been hornswoggled into giving up almost the whole week, and their father has all of the second week, as well.

The younger one would like his brother to be here on Christmas morning, and it's a real loss for him that it won't happen. He's not much happier about the idea of going to his father's on Christmas Eve so that he and his brother can be together all the next day.

I'm just feeling exhausted and defeated. My ex is not going to follow the custody order, again, and there's nothing realistic I can do. I wanted the children to have time with both parents on Christmas Day, but now it looks like they'll both be with their father for the two-week holiday. The relationship with me is not as important as keeping their father from getting angry. Fighting over this puts the boys in the middle and makes for another unhappy Christmas--another in a long series, now. But giving up means my ex doesn't have to do what's right, and my children are encouraged to see their relationship with me as less valuable. And, I admit, I don't want to spend the whole holiday alone--I don't have family or anyone other than my children. I'm trying not to let that be the main thing on my mind, but it's still there, even so.

Sorry this is so long! I guess I just need to vent a little bit.

I hope everyone else gets their holiday arrangements worked out, and that you and your families have a peaceful and loving time together.

Ann

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