"Happy Hour Play Dates" in the New York Times: is drinking around your kids a sign of problems?

by J.D. Griffioen (Subscribe to J.D. Griffioen's posts) Nov 9th 2006 4:33PM

Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Money & Work

The New York Times does it again: according to an article in today's paper, women who have afternoon play dates where the moms drink are part of a new trend that just might indicate that affluent moms are "disconnected and lonely," and "self medicating" as part of a "dangerous trend." After getting a couple choice quotes from Blogging Baby alumnus Melissa Summers and Christie Mellor, author of the book The Three-Martini Playdate: A Practical Guide to Happy Parenting, the Times goes to an"expert," Suniya S. Luthar, a psychology professor at Columbia who claims her research shows that the upsurge in affluent mothers drinking is somehow dangerous. Granted, it's the Times and not Luthar who then tries to bridge that possibility with the nice beginning of the story about moms enjoying a glass of pinot grigio while their kids play with each other. And to bolster the drama, the Times cites Jennifer at stayathomemotherdom, whose own battle with alcoholism seems like it was more due to isolation than the occasional afternoon martini with other moms. The Times go on to cite a dubious feminist and some anecdotal evidence about the hidden dangers of Moms drinking during daylight. For example, one anonymous mom reported that she "passed out after [a play date where alcohol was served] in her home, as her 4-year-old slept inside and the baby sitter, outside with her 7-year-old, rang the doorbell repeatedly." Hold the phones, the baby sitter had to ring the door repeatedly? Isn't allowing that to happen a hanging offense in New Jersey?

Frankly, I'm sick of the whole mythology that once you have kids you have to become uptight about everything and buy a minivan and move to the suburbs and let all your values disintegrate into some hollow shell of how you saw your own parents. The whole point made by the moms who drink during play dates is that the alcohol is more of a symbol than anything else: they're not getting wasted, but the drink is a symbol that they haven't completely let go of who they are and let their kids overrun their lives entirely. And just because some "journalist" at the New York Times gets paid by the word doesn't mean we should question what these parents are doing. I say it's okay to drink around your kids. In fact, I'm going to go go crack a Bells Double Cream Stout right now.

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Comments (44)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)

Kellie 11-09-2006 @ 4:51PM

This is rediculous. There is nothing wrong with the kids having a playdate and the parents having a class of wine or a beer. If a parent passes out from the alcohol served at the playdate they they drank more than they should have.

Almost everyday for the last 2 years my 3 year old goes outside to play with our neighbors two kids. While the kids play, my neighbor and I sit in our chairs in the driveway. On friday's we bring out the beer or the wine.

Neither one of us has ever drank too much. Probably because WE HAVE OUR KIDS TO WATCH.

I guess I don't understand the problem. Is it because the parents are drinking too much? Is a person really self medicating with a glass of wine or a beer?

Kellie 11-09-2006 @ 4:51PM

oh yeah, I can't spell. oops.

Jonathon Morgan 11-09-2006 @ 4:55PM

Word.

Kimberly 11-09-2006 @ 5:06PM

Man, I need a drink.

Laura 11-09-2006 @ 5:19PM

I am a SAHM to a 2 year old and if I wasn't pregnant right now I would be sipping a nice cold glass of Reisling. My DH and I spend many an evening having a glass of wine or a beer at dinner in the company of our 2 year old. No, we aren't getting wasted and our son is never in jeopardy. We do realize that if something happens we have to be sober enough to drive to the hospital/whatever. I have a child but I am not going to stop doing adult things. Please. These writers should be ashamed of themselves- adding fuel to the parenting war fires.

Jen 11-09-2006 @ 5:23PM

If we don't drink around our kids, when are we supposed to drink?
Seriously though, why would having a drink make a parent any more of an alcoholic than a non-parent? It seems like another case of parenthood as concept over parenthood as practice and frankly, nobody needs the world judging them for having a drink with friends, whether or not their children are present.

Justme 11-09-2006 @ 5:35PM

I would go so far as to say that it is healthy and beneficial to children for their parents to model moderate alcohol consumption in the children's presence, rather than hiding their occasional social drinking, and therefore increasing the social taboo that causes kids in the U.S. to binge drink when they go to college/turn 21.

I organized a couple of "wine tasting" playdates - where the moms drank a glass or two of wine and ate cheese, and we basically ignored the kids in the other room. It was a lot of fun, and a great stress reliever. Too bad I'm pregnant again and had to quit drinking. :(

Meena 11-09-2006 @ 5:54PM

"a way to hold on to a part of their lives that existed before they had children and to bond over a shared disdain for the almost sadistically stressful world of modern parenting"

Disdain? Wow, that's quite a leap, isn't it?

Is it bad that article makes me want to have a drink? :-)

Tina 11-09-2006 @ 6:08PM

Have you people lost your minds? Wake up! Kids do what they see. They learn by example. Keep drinking during playdates...then maybe you can all get together in the ER a few years from now when one of them wraps their car around a tree in a drunken stupor...like their mom taught them to do.

stayathomemotherdom 11-09-2006 @ 6:20PM

I don't think you have to become uptight, and there is nothing wrong with drinking, either.

What is distressing, I think, is there are a lot of moms out there that are lonely and use drinking to cope with issues. I think this is more prevalent than many understand.

The fact that someone in the article says she deserves the drink indicates that she is using it as a reward. Do we want to model to our children that we use alcohol for stress relief and to reward ourselves for a hard day?

MelissaS 11-09-2006 @ 6:23PM

Tina...GASP! Our kids will be of legal drinking age and have a drink!? WHAT! What kind of example is that!

The leap you've made is that of being drunk vs. having a drink.

Helpful link about intoxication and moderation.

http://www.yorku.ca/scld/healthed/healthtopics/alcohol_awareness.html#intoxication

MelissaS 11-09-2006 @ 6:23PM

SAHM-dom: You're right that's a very real risk and one you must constantly evaluate really.

Laura 11-09-2006 @ 6:34PM

You know Tina, you are absolutely right. Witnessing a parent drink one glass of wine/beer is going to start a mass frenzy of youth alcoholism.

My Dad would drink a glass of beer every night when he came home. He would even, GASP, let me pour it for him. But, I never saw him get drunk, matter of fact that type of behavior was frowned upon. I am not a raging alcoholic because moderation and responsibility was drilled into my head by my beer drinking Dad. Whereas my friends who never saw their parents take a sip turned into binge drinkers because they were never taught responsible drinking.

Moderation is the key. No one is saying get good and smashed at playdates.

Happymom 11-09-2006 @ 6:37PM

There is nothing wrong with moderate drinking. There is nothing wrong with having a drink in the afternoon but I CANNOT BELIEVE that there are moms out there who feel is is okay to drink during playdates! Who is watching the kids while you sit and drink in your driveway?? Alcohol - even a moderate amount - reduces your reaction time and those minutes, or even seconds, could count when your child runs into the street or falls into a pool. Moms in my community used to drink by the pool all the time while their children played together and it seemed like great, innocent fun for the adults - until one of their children fell into the pool and no one noticed it until the child was dead. None of the moms were drunk, but they had been drinking and not paying attention.
Something to think about.

Kellie - maybe you could spell better if you didn't drink so much. Enjoy your next driveway binge - thank God you aren't my neighbor so I don't have to watch in horror as your children, left to their own devices, run out in front of a car as mom is reaching down for the bottle opener............

a teen. 11-09-2006 @ 6:50PM

My parents always drank around me. They still do. It disgusts me. I can remember being ten and taking care of my mom until the early hours of the morning. My mom's alcoholism has only discouraged me from drinking. The embarrassment I've felt from this reinforced this even further.

There is a chance one day that I might be like her due to the genetic factors involved, but I doubt I'll step near a glass of wine anytime soon. So Tina, yes I did learn from example, but not in the way you have interpreted it as. I think I'm responsible enough to make informed decisions on drinking based on my experiences with my parents during childhood.

So don't expect me to show up for my 21 shots when that day comes.

Adrienne Backus 11-09-2006 @ 6:53PM

Happymom, thank god *you're* not *my* neighbor. You're the type who probably measures the grass and rats people out to the HOA if it gets too long. Why don't you ask for a new pair of binoculars for Christmas? It will be so much easier to pass judgement on your neighbors if you can see them up close. Oh, and be sure to tape the telephone number for social services next to your phone so you can report any incidences of a mother behaving like a human being because that's just unacceptable behavior.

trish 11-09-2006 @ 6:57PM

i can understand that most people dont want to forget who they were before they had kids...
i cant understand why you would drink around your kids if someone else isnt there to take care of them.
all moms should know that anything can happen at anytime as a mom/parent you are supposed to be in that " what if" state of mind. for enstance you just had 2 glasses of wine not a bad thing, but your kids just fell of the swing (or whatever toy) and they need stitches. WHO WILL DRIVE YOU TO THE ER???????
that is why drinking during a play date is a bad idea. now if there is someone else around you that isnt drinking during the play dates it might be a different story. the play date os supposed to be about your kids not you. if you need adult time then go out with adults go on an adult date

Lori 11-09-2006 @ 7:03PM

My husband and I frequently host small dinner parties/bbqs/game nights where our friends are encouraged to bring their children. They usually start in the late afternoon (daylight) so we can have a good time before the kids get sleepy. We have a great time eating, chatting and yes - drinking. The kids have fun playing together and watching cartoon movies. And, it's economical because no one has to hire a babysitter. I had no idea this made us bad parents. I'm glad someone let me know. I hope our friends aren't disappointed when I call them and tell them we can't see them anymore because there is a chance we may be negatively influencing our children.

On second thought -- I think I'll just go downstairs and self-medicate with a glass of wine and watch my son plays with his legos. Cheers!

Barb 11-09-2006 @ 7:06PM

God, all this talk about drinking, I better pop open a bottle of chardonnay...and quick...before the kids get home!!! AAAAhhhhh good stuff!!!!

Barb 11-10-2006 @ 3:15PM

CHEERS LORI!!!!

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