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Young parents: Do you feel some friends don't "get it?"
Filed under: Activities: Babies, Places To Go
I am the first person in my old group of friends to get married and have babies. While the people I've known since I was 16 are all busy with jobs and all the social activities that come with being in ones twenties, I'm busy breastfeeding, changing diapers and taking care of small children.To say that we have different life situations and goals is an understatement. So, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that I have moved on to find friends that have similar places in life that I do. The majority of my friends now are mothers themselves, be they working or stay at home.
I find that my friendships with other moms are deeper because there is a lack of judgment among them. They know not to give that knowing look if I gripe that my toddler is acting up or say that my husband and I haven't had a decent conversation in months. They get it; they're there with me.
We've dug our trenches and are hunkering down there together, hoping not to get hit by any flying sippies.
Every once in awhile, a social event arises that means I must get together with these friends. It is not that I don't want a friendship with them, it is just that we're in different places now. I care about them, that's why I still attend these social functions, but things are just different.
We have a social function coming up next weekend and I'm already worried. We're having to bring my 9-month-old breastfed son along (which nobody knows about yet) to this function. But, I'm worried that this one person wants to share a room with us.
As I told my husband, I'm a grown-up now. I don't really like to "share rooms" with other people, especially if my husband and child are going to be there. But what would I say? I don't want to give in to something I don't want to do, but I feel worried about hurting someones feelings.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
11-13-2006 @ 2:34PM
megan said...I feel the exact same way. I am only 22 years old and the first one out both my group of friends and my husbands group of friends to have a baby. A situation just arose this past weekend in which we took our 6 month old daughter to a birthday party for one of our friends and realized how innapropriate it is for us to attend those sort of functions with her. While she sleeps in the other room, all of our "non baby friends" drink too much and get in fights with their significant others. After a long talk the next day, my husband and I have decided to no longer attend parties unless our daughter is at my mothers house. Although I am also afraid of hurting peoples feelings or letting them down, I find that I am so much happier sitting at home with the 2 loves of my life, eating take-out and watching bad tv.
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11-13-2006 @ 2:41PM
NewbieDad said...Even now that I'm 40-something, married and have a 10 month old, I still don't get it. ;)
In all seriousness, no matter what age you're at, there will always be people who don't "get it". In terms of being a new dad, I definitely have more in common with the 20-something first time dad than I do with my 40-something colleagues who are starting to mull college with their high school aged kids.
In terms of sharing a room, I say let your friend share the room with you. She will most definitely "get it" if she's still your friend after that.
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11-13-2006 @ 2:43PM
Kimberly said...I'd go with exactly what you said, Rachel, "I'm a grown up, and I don't share a room with anyone but my husband. Sorry."
There does honestly come a time when twentysomethings need to stop couch surfing and just grow the hell up, kids or no kids. And who knows, maybe some of those friendships will be interesting to you again once they do.
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11-13-2006 @ 2:47PM
Michelle said...Why would you share a room if your husband and child will be there? I'm not sure I understand the dilemma. If I were single, I don't think I'd want to share a room with my friend and her husband and baby. And if I were a husband, I don't think I'd want a friend sharing a room with me, my wife and child.
People will probably love the baby, and before you know it, no one will notice you nursing him. I nursed my older son at a dinner party once (when he was a baby) and he fell asleep and I enjoyed the dinner.
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11-13-2006 @ 3:57PM
Jill said...You say, "Friend, my son will be there too, and trust me, you don't want to share a room with a baby." If she persists, you either say No, or let her learn the hard way. Maybe you could let her share a room with the baby and you and your husband could get a separate room! ;)
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11-13-2006 @ 3:54PM
Anji said...It was a week after my 19th birthday that I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I'm now coming up for 21 and my son is 14 months old. I basically don't see most of my friends from before I fell pregnant - I stopped going out because I'd quit drinking and smoking, so I lost touch with a lot of them. I don't really miss them. I just feel like I grew up before they did. There are a few people who do 'get it' - probably because they have matured where the others haven't. These, I know, are my real friends. If the others don't 'get it' then that's their problem, not mine. :o)
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11-13-2006 @ 3:46PM
thordora said...Maybe exaggerate the whole "baby wakes up, flailing boobs at 3 am" part if you're uncomfortable. I personally would just say no, but that's me.
I find the opposite-the parents we meet are our age, but not into a lot of the things we're interested in. Hard to have adult conversation when the other adults have nothing of substance to say. So that's a rough one.
I find my friends without kids are envious, as they're approaching "ticking" time.
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11-13-2006 @ 3:49PM
anonny said...I'm not sure that this is a young/old thing either, Rachel. I was a twenty something stepmom, a thirty some-odd mom of a preschooler, and now I'm pregnant again.
What you're describing applies to all ages of new parents. Until you have kids, it's likely that most of your friends don't have kids and they'll have a hard time thinking about the particular needs of families. They simply can't bend their mind around the reality of raising children.
The friendships I have with mothers and non-moms are just different. I enjoy having friends who understand all the particulars of parenting and let me gripe about my familiy and I enjoy having friends who knew me before my identity changed, don't ask about my kids, and don't really think of me as a mom.
Don't give up on your old friends so soon. Sometimes you get bored talking about toddlers. It's REALLY nice to have friends who knew you when and still get wierded out by your kids.
Here's the real difference for me. Out of all the different hats I have to wear in my life, the very LEAST understood is stepmom.
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11-13-2006 @ 4:11PM
Chris said...Say, "I just think that might be too complicated. We're going to be following the baby's schedule and we're going to need some privacy, and, well, I just think you'd be more comfortable if you bunked in with someone else."
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11-13-2006 @ 4:19PM
LB said...There are some nice "Junior suites" in the midrange hotels that will sleep 5-6 nicely- usually 2 queen sized beds (for you and your family)and a pull-out couch. We have shared a room like this with my mom,(who would understand if the kids had gotten up crying) and a friend with a toddler of her own. This kind of suite should still be cheaper than two rooms and give everybody some room to spead out a bit. Maybe you girls could stay up in the living room and gab a bit after the babes hit the hay and you won't have to worry about getting back to YOUR room.
One last thing, generally speaking, it's hard to say who won't "get" your parenting. Some of my harshest critics have been older people with kids(!) and my biggest supporters childless and young and fancee free, so who knows.
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11-13-2006 @ 5:04PM
jen said...I don't think the baby is the issue - I wouldn't share a room with a friend while my husband is there, full stop! That would just be too weird. And with an added baby, NO way. You're grown up, you're not on a 'bachelor jag', you need your space, your baby doesn't need your friend piling in drunk at 4 in the morning - I am not sure why they have even suggested it, and I really don't think you will have any guilt in saying 'no'. It's just not appropriate.
I have a similar situation - most of my friends are still child free, but either by choice (will have no kids) or have been trying a long time with no success. So it does get very political sometimes as the latter don't really want to be around babies anyway. It's a toughie!
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11-13-2006 @ 7:46PM
Kim said...I share rooms with friends all the time, when we go to dog shows and our spouses/kids are not with us. When anyone is bringing a spouse we all just know that's not a sharing situation. When it's a girls' weekend, we have a great time, but no one would think of sharing when it's something else. We're in our forties.
I think just saying "no" or "not this time" is perfectly acceptable.
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11-13-2006 @ 8:30PM
LB said...Some of these assumptions are really a bit too much. I would be really mad if some assumed that my hubby and I "NEED" privacy, for Goodness sake we don't need to get it on all the time! We are perfectly able to polietly share space with others if need be. There's an American bias here, keep in ind in many many parts of the world 3 generations share very close quarters,all the time.
I also don't think it's fair to assume that a single childless person will stumble in drunk or late.
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11-13-2006 @ 10:33PM
Cheryl said...I third the idea that this is not age-specific. I had my first baby at 35 and still, most of my friends are childless and I find that I have little in common with them anymore. It really changed my social life (such as it was). I often find my old friends depress me and the logistics of hanging out with them with a young baby involved just makes me usually take a pass. I haven't done a very good job of making mom friends, though, so it gets lonely at times!
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11-13-2006 @ 11:43PM
Liz said...Regarding the room sharing - just say it won't work out this time, nuff said.
Regarding being friends with those without children...I hope, since you state how much you care, that you spend some time showing interest in them and not just prattling on and on about your child. Care and interest goes both ways - show interest in your friends and if they are your friends, they will show interest back.
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