Someone asks you for advice on adoption: what do you say?

I agree with all your points above (especially the roller-coaster ride part), but there is more to be considered:

Study up on the diseases that are prevalent in adopted children. While depressing, it is a good idea to know what could be in store. It could also help you diagnose possible problems with a child before you make the decision to adopt. Adopting a child with health problems will cost much more than a healthy child; make sure you have the ability to take on such a responsibility.

Also know that older kids can often come with emotional, behavioral, and developmental problems, and be prepared for a rough transition time. Attachment disorders can be frustrating and painful for both the parent and child. Study up on common practices for coping and dealing with these issues, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Family councilors and psychologists who specialize in adopted children can help both you and your child overcome these obstacles.

International adoptions of older children will also come with language issues. While it's true that children have a much higher capacity for language acquisition, they have their work cut out for them just to catch up to kids their own age who have grown up here. Just think of the vocabulary that a 5, or 6, or 7 year old already knows. A newly adopted child has to learn all that, deal with the huge change that has happened to his life, and the kids his age are still learning. Consider budgeting additional funds for tutoring and speech therapy to help catch up.

Don't get discouraged by all the things that can go wrong. Adoption is sometimes a chore, sometimes rough and painful, but it can, and often is, the best thing you'll ever do with your life.

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I agree with both of the above posts, except to add that not just older children come with emotional issues. Babies can also.

I would advise anyone looking into adoption to become familiar with the new science and psychology that shows that babies are sentient and aware, are affected by their very early experiences, and how to support them emotionally as they transition to the family.

Often attachment doesn't occur just by loving them. And what does develop is a type of connection or attachment based on external activities and time, rather than internal neurological hardwiring which usually begins prenatally with the biological mother.

Attachment and bonding to each other can occur, but not often without some gentle support and empathy, understanding for what your baby is experiencing (relinquishment - even with open adoption, not having been wanted perhaps, transistioned into a 'new land' that is unfamiliar to the rhythms, tempos, sounds of the bio mom's womb...)

If adapted to, rather than resolved, these upsets and stresses can become beliefs about self and patterns of behaviour to protect against further pain.

I would tell prospective adopted parents to consider finding someone who can help them learn how to understand their baby, and help the whole family bond and attach.

Dylan

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I am adopting my step son in a little more than 9 days (check out my blog for more details) and as stressful as it has been up to this point, I have learned so much about all types of adoption.

The most important thing I have learned is hat without complete cooperation of ALL interested parties it is an impossible uphill swim. My sister just lost the baby she was trying to adopt from the birth mom who changed her mind when the baby was 4 months old. I tried for 7 years to adopt my step son, but until the bio-mom was on board, I was told I would have been throwing money down the drain.

I am thankful my state only has a 48 hour period after the final court date for the birth mom to change her mind, so I know in less than 2 weeks I can finally let out a sigh of relief.

Know the laws of your state, some states require more than others (waiting periods, pre-adoptive mediation, counseling, etc).

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After the decision is made, I strongly suggest speaking with adults who were adopted. If you're adopting internationally, speak with the adopted children/adults who have had bi-racial situations. Combining two cultures (regardless of what age the child is when adopted) usually is an issue for us as we grow into adults.

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Well first of all it starts with understanding that no woman is a birthmother (and no man a birthfather) until the papers are signed. They are simply parents.. and until that point.. the only parents.

So RESPECT for all parties involved is, IMO, the place to start.

By doing that.. you show respect for all of who the child that you will adopt is.

Understand that as adoptive parents you become the child's parenting parents.. but that he or she will always have another set of parents out there... even in international adoption. Both sets will be a part of who your child is... even if you have a closed adoption.

Make peace with that!

In open adoption (especially).. understand that just as a woman (or couple) cannot truly make the adoption decision until they meet their child... neither party can truly know what their needs in the relationship will be until they are a part of that relationship. Agreements should start with the minimum that both will agree to no matter what... then you are not required to stick to that minimum.


Understand that when (possibly if, but may times when) a woman realizes that she was coersed and lost her baby to adoption for no good reason... it isnt about the adoptive parents.. it is about the agency and system. Know that many times great adoptive parents who keep their word are the only solace in that situation.

There is so much to talk about.... how do you pick what is important??

There is just so much. I guess my advice is to talk to ALL partied involved. Firstmoms, Adopted people, Adoptive parents... and be open to listening - not just picking and choosing the ones with your same view.

If you are willing to do that... and accept the good with the bad... then you are ready to adopt.

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