Are you a stayer or a leaver?
Categories: Newborns, Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers, Teens & tweens, Money & work, Fun & activities, Celeb parenting
The Guardian's Anne Karpf wrote this lovely piece on two types of parents: those who leave their kids with someone else, and those who don't. After 17 years of staying home most nights (she even took the kids on her honeymoon), she is finally finding that her kids are leaving her, for sleepovers and the like. She is getting to experience alone time more frequently. It has her thinking about "non-parents" like Kate Moss and the freedom of movement these jet-setting celeb moms have, sans children. (Me too. Notice how Britney's been getting out an awful lot for someone who popped out two kids at the speed of sound and just gave her huz the boot?)I fall between the two camps. Most weekends, Nate will spend one night with one set of his grandparents. I started doing this out of necessity when he was 6-months-old. We were moving, including repainting the walls and refinishing the floors of our new house. It was not a baby-friendly environment. My mother was taking a holiday from work and offered to take him overnight. I just about fainted -- partially from joy, partially from anxiety. I pumped and sent the baby off, while I bit my nails into stubs on a date with my husband. (A movie? Really? Together? You sure Nate will be OK?) Nate absolutely loved staying in my parents' spacious suburban home, compared to our newly mortgaged
As time has gone by, these childless afternoons and evenings have become less romantic. Often a free afternoon is an opportune time to clean the house and do laundry without the risk of a toddler trying to fly down the basement stairs after me. I can do my Blogging Baby writing without having him crawl on my lap and ask for Thomas the Tank Engine episodes on YouTube. I need my me-time like I need air. I would suffocate without it.
On the other hand, I miss him terribly. More than he misses me. My husband and I might wake up a bit on the rough side after a good cocktail party, but the ache in our hearts surpasses the pain in our heads. We miss that morning snuggle to the point where we swear off any other sans-child outings that week. We make pacts to make more family time. We try to fit square pegs into round holes. Sometimes we pretend it fits and sometimes we just give up due to exhaustion. After nearly two years, we're still trying to find the balance between our busy social and professional lives, and our current feed/bathe/play/sleep/snuggle/love sessions. Because if he's not with us, we feel like we're missing a limb.
What about you? Are you a stayer or a leaver?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Ginny 11-21-2006 @ 2:24PM
I am definately a stayer. My children are 5 and 6 and have never spent a night without me. (with the exception of my son, who spent a couple nights with my parents when I was in the hospital having my daiughter). My mom would LOVE to keep them overnight, but I just worry worry worry to the point of just not doing it. I worry that they won't go to sleep. I worry that they will overwhelm my mom. I worry that they'll be sad without me and my DH. Maybe it's time to get over it.
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Lin 11-21-2006 @ 4:10PM
I am definately a stayer. I don't know how many times people have told me you just have to let him go but to me he's only two and he needs his mommy. like what if someone doesn't understand what he says or what he wants. i'm 5 weeks pregnant with our second baby and scared already of leaving him when i have to go to the hospital. and school oh boy a whole other subject i just can't get into.
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Meena 11-21-2006 @ 6:26PM
I definitely know some parents who are leavers. I'm not in that camp. But I don't know that I totally align myself with the stayers either. I don't like to leave my kids for extended periods of time, but I certainly relish and evening or afternoon to myself. And the occasional night away is nice too. There have been less than a handful of times that hubby and I have spent a night apart from the kids. We spent most of the time talking about the kids and looking forward to seeing them. Once we spent two nights apart and that was too much. We're hoping to get in the habit of every couple of months, having a night alone to ourselves.
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Sandy 11-22-2006 @ 12:01AM
I'm a stayer. My sister calls me a martyr and tells me to loosen up. Bah! It's got nothing to do with martyrdom and everything to do with my personality (and the kids'!). I really don't need "me time". I think many women hear so often that they simply must have time for themselves that many believe it when it isn't necessarily true.
Some people need it, some people don't. My sister needs it. I don't. For awhile, I bought into it, but still never got it. THen I thought about it and realized that I never felt that I needed it, people just told me that I needed it.
It's a good thing I don't need it...it's hard to unload five kids!!!
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dessi 11-22-2006 @ 1:40AM
'Am a stayer too.. Sam has never spent night without me and I dont want her to do that anytime soon. I tried to hang out with my friends a couple time in the afternoon when my mom came to visit us- but I just never enjoy it anymore. I would keep worrying about everything: was she ok, was my mom ok? at the end I always came home earlier than schedule, to be a little bit disappointed as in fact she had a great time with her grannie and never even missed me. As about me-time, I guess I can have it while she's taking a nap. I know I should loosen up a little bit otherwise it's getting harder to let her go later.. but I just can't.
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Denzylle 11-22-2006 @ 7:43AM
More of a general comment -
It's good to see a BB writer trawling the quality Guardian for stories, rather than the tabloids. Not only does the Guardian have many excellent child / family articles, but it's one of the few UK newspapers with an excellent, comprehensive, permanent and free archive online.
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thordora 11-22-2006 @ 9:04AM
I'd love to be a leaver, but we don't have the opportunity to leave them outside the house often. My father lives with us in the winter though, which gives us the chance to go for dinner, a movie, or have some "free" time every so often.
We so need it, and love it. Just going somewhere to eat without crying, or begging, is SOOOO nice. I love my kids, but I love peeing alone too.
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Velda 11-24-2006 @ 5:10PM
We're leaving our 6 week old baby boy for the first time tonight to go my husband's Xmas party, and he's staying overnight at grandmas. I'm feeling alternately sick, and excited about tonight. I truly believe in sharing his little life with others, but am just missing him so much already and he left 10 minutes ago! Having said that - I'm looking forward to a drink and some adult conversation. I guess I'm a stayer at heart, but force myself to be a leaver to maintain my sanity.
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Jessica 11-29-2006 @ 7:10AM
I am a stayer. Not because I can't stand to be away from my daughter but because I CHOSE to have a baby and so it is my responsibility to take care of her, not her grandparent's responsibility. I have not totally given up my social life as I have left her with grandparent's for several day outings with friends/husband. I have spent the night away from her only once, to celebrate my husband's 30th bday.
I am not trying to judge a leaver, but I can not imagine the guilt I would feel by leaving my daughter once a week. I made the choice to sacrifice my social life in order to be a parent. Do I get "me" time? Sure. I work on my mosaic's or read a book or take a nap or go to the store....while my husband watches our daughter.
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mrsgryphon 11-30-2006 @ 2:15PM
I'm a good mix of both, I think... I've definitely left my daughter (10 mos old) for evenings out with my friends, dates with my husband, meetings for the organization that I volunteer with, and other events I've attended. She loves everyone, has a great time with her babysitters, and I haven't felt guilty for leaving her. She's never stayed overnight anywhere, though, and I don't foresee that happening until next summer sometime when she's a little older and can maybe vocalize what she needs for someone who doesn't know her little quirks.
For me, time away from the baby re-energizes me. Gives me something else to focus on for a little while and allows me to appreciate her more when I'm with her. I'm one of 'those' that would not be a very good parent if I didn't have the 'me' time.
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