The anger of divorce doesn't end with the decree signing

Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Development/Milestones: Babies, Sex

Last night I received a call from a friend of mine whose divorce recently became finalized. Theirs was a vicious parting, requiring multiple lawyers and many trips to court. Apparently my friend thought all would be good once the papers were signed. She fancied that her ex-husband would suddenly begin following rules, show her some respect and stop with his verbal abuse. Quite the opposite is true in their case. At least he no longer lives in the house where he can terrorize her, but he still gets his punches in in other manners. Now he ignores the judge's orders. He drops off their son before the allotted times or fails to pick him up at all for his parenting time. My friend is so frustrated that she wants to go back before the judge to either change the parenting time or increase her child support from him.

Her call last night was to ask me if I still get angry at my ex. It was all I could do to hold back a huge resounding, "Duh. Of course I do." Instead I told her that he and I both continue to get frustrated with each other. Just because we legally dissolved our marriage does not mean we can magically communicate or appreciate the other person's better qualities. She then asked how I cope with the lingering fury. I told her I try to relate my feelings to him when they arise. I don't always succeed, sometimes we still end up in vicious, energy consuming fights. But I also told her that knowing he and I no longer have to live under the same roof helps to ease the anger. The reassurance that he and I both have our safe havens where we can go to cool off helps. And knowing that the children are seeing better, more positive examples of parents gets me through each day.

What about you? Are you divorced/ Do you still harbor the anger?

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.