A Catholic high school in southwestern Ontario has declared a new policy for future school dances: no one gets in the door unless they pass a breathalyzer test. Man, if my high school had that policy, no one would have been at the prom except for me, my Mormon date, and half of the marching band.

The decision by administrators at Sacred Heart High School in Walkerton is a reaction to events at the last major school dance, which ended in a drunken melee and resulted in 11 suspensions for fighting and underage drinking.

The school's trustee Tracey Ellis says any students who show up with alcohol in their system will be kicked out of the dance immediately. Cripes, is John Lithgow somehow involved with this disaster? Something tells me the students at Sacred Heart need a hero, some student with the ninja skills necessary skills to sneak past security with a couple bottles of vodka to poor into the punch. Someone, say, who resembles a young Kevin Bacon. Maybe his prom date could be, "pregnant," but really have a "belly" full of Labatt's Blue. Either way, good luck students of Sacred Heart, it won't be easy but I know you will find a way.