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It's the arguing that gets me down
Filed under: Feeding & Sleeping
I have always encouraged my kids to be independent thinkers and to not accept anything at face value. My children will stand up to anybody and argue any point to the death. They question nearly all requests and rarely hesitate to offer their opinions. Sometimes I feel as though we are forever living in a courtroom where even the smallest of commands are presented to best suit the kids' whims. I figure that once they fly from the nest, they will need those skills to navigate their ways through the world. But when it comes back to haunt me, I sometimes wonder if maybe I have steered them in the wrong directions.Bedtime usually brings the most heated arguments. If I say bed is at a certain time, I am sure to be barraged with reasons as to why that is simply not possible. The arguments could be anything from their body metabolisms are simply not able to slow down, making sleep impossible to their sudden desire to clean the house. Just anything to avoid bedtime. As the time approaches, each minute will be debated until I sometimes feel as if I might hide in a corner and pretend that I have no children at all.
While I find the arguing exhausting, there is a part of me that is so proud of my plucky kids. They are never rude, just persistent and creative. These are traits that will serve them well in life, but sometimes they can wear a mom down to the nub. Are your kids argumentative? How do you deal with them?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-05-2006 @ 3:44PM
Amy said..."Some things are negotiable, some things are not. This is one of the things that is not."
Or...
"You don't have to go to sleep, but you have to go to your room and be quiet, and I don't want to see or hear you until 6 am unless there is blood coming out of your eyes."
...depending on how you feel at the time.
I mean, really, who is the parent here? If you give them reasons (i.e. "You have to go to bed because you have a lot going on tomorrow and I don't want you to fall asleep in the middle of your track meet...") you're just giving them arguing points. (i.e. "I always run better when I'm tired!!!" etc.)
The conversation should go this way:
Mom: "Bed time is at 9 tonight."
Kid: "But Moooooommmmm... I have a high metabolism!!!"
Mom: "What? I can't hear you when you're arguing with me."
Kid: "All the other kids get to stay up until 3 am."
Mom: (to your husband) "Honey, did you hear something?"
Kid: "The sky is too blue for me to go to sleep!"
Mom: "I could've sworn I heard something, but I know that none of my kids would argue with me over something sacrosanct like bedtime..."
etc.
And if you see the whites of their eyes after 9 pm, you give them an appropriate consequence.
There is another school of thought that says to let them stay up as late as they want to, and then let them deal with the consequences, and if your kids are in high school, I'd go this route, but if they're younger than 14 or so, or less mature, they still need your guidance on issues like this.
Actually, if they're arguing with you, they probably still need your guidance on issues like this.
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12-05-2006 @ 10:04PM
ann adams said...You must be reading my mind. They argue with each other, they argue with me. About everything, not just bedtime; that for the most part is a done deal.
Start getting ready at 8:30, in bed around 9:00, and asleep by 9:30 (school nights). Once in a while an exception but not often.
I'll discuss up to a point on other issues. I've even been known to change my mind when my first answer was a knee jerk "no". On the non-negotiable issues, I quite often walk out of the room and leave them talking to themselves.
Last night the two youngest were quarreling over a pair of earrings they hadn't thought about until the one decided to wear them.
The earrings are now in my possession and will remain there for a while. You fight about it, you both lose it.
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12-06-2006 @ 7:29AM
Southerncharm said...My children are not allowed to debate or argue house rules. Now, they can come to me at the appropriate time and discuss what they would like to change ect. but they are not allowed to debate their bedtime change at bedtime! There is a place and time for these things. Kinda brings back what my mom and dad always told me, "You reap what you sow." Lord knows I've seen it in my own kids! :-)
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12-06-2006 @ 1:18PM
Dylan Emrys, M.A. said...I was of the opinion for a long time that the arguing with me was a sign of "my plucky kid" developing useful skills.
What I see now in the 20-somethings we rent a house to is that they expect to debate the lease agreement, house rules, get whatever they want...their level of responsiblity is very low.
I changed things in my household when my husband (daughter's stepdad) couldn't stand our "power strugges" on more minute. He defended me to her, "I don't want you to talk to your mother like that anymore!" and then turned to me, "And YOU need to not engage when she tries to pull you into a debate!"
Ha. He was right. To teach my daughter responsibility and negotiation skills, I also have to model them. And it includes the time and place for modifying rules, the way to go about it etc...and beyond that, respecting that other people exist outside of what she wants. That I am the adult and the parent, and within respect for her individual personhood, I'm in charge.
And guess what? She started getting along with her friends better, stopped having fears about sleeping alone, is way more pleasant around the house and to her stepdad and me, and has begun taking personal risks (she had been a very physically and emotionally cautious child) and is way more active now.
She feels safer, knowing the boundaries and the rules and that she's just not big enough yet to set them.
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