Merry...whatever

by Julie Tilsner (Subscribe to Julie Tilsner's posts)
Dec 14th 2006 9:00PM

I was going to be one kind of parent back in 1996, when I was pregnant with my first kid. I was going to be financially stable and have a house of my own and be happily married and have matching dinnerware, maybe even a family dog. I'd have figured out all the big questions: Attachment parenting or Ferber. Breast or bottle. Disposable or cloth.

And the religion thing. I'd have that nailed down, too. I would figure out what exactly I believed in versus what I could stomach, and finally, what sort of holiday traditions we would practice in the home. In the 15 years between between leaving my mother's house and becoming a mother myself I'd let my every holiday tradition lapse. But no longer! I would reform! I told myself then. I would pick a holiday tradition and stick with it so my children could have their own fond holiday memories to cherish or not.

Fast forward ten years. I have matching dinnerware.

Making slow progress on the holiday tradition thing too. I think. Presuming kids are as adaptive as they're reputed to be, I may be OK.

Join me on the therapists' couch, won't you?

I was raised by a nice Lutheran boy and a good Catholic girl who were both threatened with excommunication if they married. They did anyway, and my life as an "anything goes" spiritual quester began soon thereafter. I went to Catholic school for a while, learned how to say a Rosary. Then my parents turned on and tuned out. Dad got into EST, mom got into her career. And the subject of religion was summarily dropped.

We had Christmas, sure, with trees and ornaments and presents. But it was clear early on that the holiday didn't have anything to do with religion. Early in college I took a Philosophy of Religions course and almost came to blows with a Born-Again Christian who assured me that I was bound for hell because my religious beliefs were not the right ones. I threw up my hands and said to Hell with all of it. Ten years later I converted to Judaism.

So far so good. Judaism is open-minded. You can question all you want. Just believe. Sounds good to me.

But as you can see, I'm still a bit conflicted. Obviously I don't know where I stand on religion. All I know is this: I think it's important to raise kids with some of it. Your choice. So at least the kids have some framework of morality to refer back to. Something to hold in the background and use as guidance and comfort when life intervenes with weddings, births, funerals and the cancer wards in between. A sense of community doesn't hurt either.

Anyway, becoming a member of the Tribe turned out to be an excellent excuse for opting out of the holiday consumer orgy. Coupled with no network TV reception meant that for several years when my children were very small I escaped the whole jolly ball of noise foisted upon us from the day after Thanksgiving until the day of the Rose Bowl parade. I could ignore the screaming and constant din to BUY SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE ON MY LIST! with nary a worry that there were ONLY FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS! What about celebrating Hanukkah? Naw. It's not even a major holiday.

Of course, that didn't stop the parade of presents from two sets of grandparents arriving in the mail. And every holiday party we went to included Santa Claus's and candy canes and Christmas songs.

As my kids got older, they started hipping in. Commercial Christmas is a powerful temptress, you know. Those songs are pretty catchy. And the bright lights and colorful decorations and candy and stockings filled with toys...it's all extremely intoxicating to children. And because they haven't yet perfected their critical thinking skills or wry bitterness (I'm working on that), they started agitating. "Look at the lights!" they cried, pointing to neighboring houses and product displays at Walgreen's. "They're so beautiful!" or, "Why can't we have some decorations at our house, Mommy? Why doesn't Santa come to our house? Can't we please have a tree? Mommy, why can't we put some beautiful lights on our house?"

Oy. They were now old enough to demand a tradition.

Nothing like the holiday season to make you question all your beliefs and traditions. What is it I did want for my kids anyway? What was more important? Cultural traditions or spiritual beliefs? I tell them about God. I just don't get specific. Finally, after much thinking and gnashing of teeth, I fell back on the one tradition I've always held dear: I did whatever worked.

Last year I caved in and agreed to bring home a Hanukkah Bush. "As distinct from a Christmas Tree!" I told myself. It would be no higher than four feet. And it would be decorated with ONLY blue and white. We would light the Menorah and sing the prescribed songs. I would attempt latkes, the traditional fried potato cakes you make on Hanukkah. There would be SMALL gifts on each of the eight days of Hanukkah, and nothing more. I even made little Hanukkah bags for each child, in lieu of stockings to hang over the chimney with care.

The kids, being kids, were thrilled with the spectacle.

And, not surprisingly, the space underneath the bush filled up with presents. From both sets of grandparents, from their father, from friends and neighbors, and finally, reluctantly, from me. Because old traditions are harder to kill than you'd think.

This year was ever nicer. Year two with a Hanukkah Bush. This one is almost 6 feet tall. Still blue and white, but with a few school-made ornaments. Last night the grandparents were over and helped us decorate the bush, and Annie sat down at the piano to play her rousing rendition of Jingle Bells. We actually all broke into song. Gifts were exchanged and cookies consumed. Tomorrow is the first night of Hanukkah and, God willing, my latkes will turn out edible and we'll eat them with apple sauce. So far, it's been a surprisingly lovely holiday season.

What do we believe in? What do we celebrate? I have no idea. We celebrate our family. Merry Whatever. Now go get some more eggnog.

Julie Tilsner is a Contributing Editor for Parenting Magazine and the author of, most recently, "Mommy Yoga: The 50 Stretches of Motherhood." Visit her at Julietilsner.com and check out her blog, Bad Home Cooking, if you want to know how her latkes turned out.

ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)

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12-14-2006 @ 9:16PM

Tina said...

It sounds like my family....minus the grandparents bearing gifts. We, too are a blend of completely non-religious Jewish and Christian backgrounds and we do whatever feels comfortable that falls within the realm of the spirit of giving and kindness. We are learning new ways to handle the pressures of the season of shopping madness and make it more personal, more about helping the needy. In regards ti Christmas, my daughter loves only Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, could care less about Santa, and she's almost 4 now, so hopefully that will stick!

12-14-2006 @ 9:21PM

MemoForMom.com said...

We totally agree with the above comment. Help the needy when possible!

http://www.memoformom.com/blog

12-15-2006 @ 8:19AM

Dawn said...

I can completely understand your sentiments! I was brought up in a non-religious family, never went to church except for weddings and funerals. We had Christmas though!

Last year, in order to answer the questions my 10 yr old was beginning tohave about the things he was hearing around the neighborhood about someone named Jesus, etc. we decided to actually study what the meaning behind each of the 3 December holidays were. We looked at the origins of Christmas, Hanukkah & Kwanzaa, and we both came away with a much better understanding of both. Now we enter the holiday season with a new respect for each, as well.

Happy Hanukkah to your family. I think the best and most important lesson of the season - giving - is the one we should impart to our children as well. :)

12-15-2006 @ 10:32AM

Amy said...

"Obviously I don't know where I stand on religion. All I know is this: I think it's important to raise kids with some of it. Your choice. So at least the kids have some framework of morality to refer back to."

Wow. That's a pretty bold statement. (And very offensive as well.)

I don't even know where to begin with this. First, I think it's wrong to raise children to believe in a religion that you yourself don't believe in. Second, saying that every child needs to be raised with religion is also very wrong and completely untrue. And thirdly, to say that the reason children need some religion is for a "moral framework" implies that parents are too stupid to teach their children morality.

I can most certainly teach my children to be moral, ethical people with strong values without the aid of some kind of religious textbook.

Why some people find it so hard to tell the difference between right and wrong if they don't have a faith-based guide to reference is beyond me.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to teach religion. If you are religious, you believe in your religion, and you want to impart that to your children, I'm a strong supporter of that. But saying that ALL children need some of it, even if you don't believe in it, is a pretty big blanket to throw on a world of people with different beliefs.

Just something to think about.

12-15-2006 @ 11:02AM

I too struggle to define my relgious beliefs. I have studied a few different things and come to this conclusion:
1) Christians follow the 10 commandments IE: Honor Mom and Dad, Dont kill, Dont steal.. etc.

2) The Wiccan read states " As long as Ye harm none, do what Ye will." I take that as in saying, do whatever you want, as long as it harms no one including yourself, in any form IE: Dont steal, Dont kill.. etc..

The basic understanding of religion is to be kind to others, have faith in a higher power, and do good for yourself and anyone you can.

As far as specific traditions and rituals, this is where I struggle.. As I grew up Catholic, and now baptising my son Lutheren like his father... the simple practices are very different. I guess what Im getting at, is that no matter what relgion you choose, the basis for growing and becoming a mature responsible and moral person does not rely on relgion. It relies on the parenting.

I plan on baptising my son Lutheren, teaching him Christian ways, but allowing him to decide as he gets older what he wants to be. I feel that just because I cant decide on my faith, doesnt mean that my son has to do the same. I would prefer to research and experience rather than be "assigned" a religion. What baffles me most, is that the religious wars happened because we all believed something different. But, when you think about it, its not the morals that made us different, it was the way we chose to practice. It doesnt make sense to me..

As for Christmas, we do celebrate it, but we also understand that there are many other ways and other practices out there, and I respect that. So, I dont blame you for doing a little bit of both. As long as you dont lose the reason you began, and I hope one day you can come to a conclusion about what you really believe. I feel that I believe there is a higher power, but no name can be given to Him.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

12-15-2006 @ 12:45PM

LS said...

I think it's important to differentiate between "faith" and "religion". Faith is believing that there is a higher power - whatever you want to call it - and that YOU are not the center of the universe. Religion is a set of man-made rules and practices that may or may not help facilitate that faith. For some the two are able to mesh well, for others like you and me, not so much.

"We celebrate our family. Merry Whatever."

I think that's a very profound statement. The celebration of being together, looking at the blessings you've received throughout the year (not religious blessings, but good fortunes - health, togetherness, happiness, stability) is so important, and so often forgotten, this time of year.

My parents introduced a really cool tradition in our family that I will continue probably next year, when my son can understand it better. Before Christmas, we would weed through our toys and pull out those toys that we didn't use anymore. We'd clean them up, if needed, then take them to a local charity (usually Salvation Army), and donate them. It brought home that not everyone was as fortunate as we were, and made us that much more thankful that Santa visited us. That stuck with me more than going to church and sleeping through a sermon...

So Merry Whatever!!! Light a Yule Log, drink some Eggnog, and leave out some of those yummy Latkes next to the Hanukah Bush for Santa!!

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12-14-2006 @ 9:16PM

12-14-2006 @ 9:21PM

12-15-2006 @ 8:19AM

12-15-2006 @ 10:32AM

12-15-2006 @ 11:02AM

12-15-2006 @ 12:45PM

12-15-2006 @ 2:17PM

12-15-2006 @ 9:13PM

12-15-2006 @ 9:56PM

12-21-2006 @ 12:40PM

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