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Helping "divorced kids" get through the holidays
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Activities: Babies, Development/Milestones: Babies, Sex
When I was growing up, I was the only one in my large group of friends who had divorced parents. I called myself a "divorced kid." While most of my friends got to hang out with each other on weekends and holidays, I spent my time shuffling between parents that lived two hours away from each other.
Now, as an adult, I have in-laws, which means we now have three sets of parents to shuffle between on holidays. Yes, I'm 27 and still dealing with the repercussions of a divorce 17 years ago.
If you're a divorced parent, try to think of ways that you can help your child through the holiday season. Here are some tips about how to make the holiday season sane for both you and your kids.
First, be civil. Yes, you've gone through a divorce but your ex is still your child's parent. Don't argue over someone dropping the kids off 15 minutes late. These things happen and screaming at each other isn't exactly spreading the holiday spirit.
Also, if it is at all possible, think about doing something together during the holiday, even if it is just eating dinner together. My parents never did this and, honestly, I've never felt comfortable having my parents in the same room, which definitely comes in handy for grandchildren's birthday parties or weddings.
Even if having dinner with your ex is about as high on your "to do" list as having a colonoscopy, try and remember the kids. This season is hard enough, having to shuffle between parents and dealing with their feelings. Make it the best (and most civil) that you can.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-18-2006 @ 10:19AM
Anon said...I hate the holidays.
My parents are divorced, as are my husband's, and all of them live in the same town (about 90 minutes from us). My siblings live there, too, so we are expected to go there for days on end (with our 90 pound dog, our cat, and our baby, and me pregnant this year) running around like crazy people trying to be everywhere and please everyone at once.
For some reason, out of all the adult children involved (13 of us, total, between the 4 families, plus spouses), my husband and I are the only ones who give a damn about upsetting anyone else's plans. As a result, we end up having them change plans at the last minute, which throws off everything for everyone, or they refuse to show up entirely which means that their bio-parent spends the whole day pouting (oh, what fun for us!).
I can't tell you the level of guilt I experience every year. I just want my kids to spend Christmas eve and Christmas morning at home - I think it's important. My cousin freaked out as a kid because she didn't think Santa would know where to find her. I don't want my kids to have to have Christmas on some off day (this year we're doing ours on the 22nd) that fits into everyone else's schedule. Am I supposed to convince them that Santa comes early to kids whose grandparents are divorced?
I start getting upset about it all around Halloween, and I usually don't recover until February. I hate it, hate it, hate it, and I wish I could convert to some religion without winter holidays.
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12-18-2006 @ 11:02AM
Dylan Emrys, M.A. Pre- and Periatal Psychology said...Wow.
This seems so hard, and unreal - and something so many people have to struggle with and get through.
There is something for simplicity - both my ex's parents have died, and my current husbands' parents are passionatly avoided, so it's clear that either my mom comes to us, or we go to her. And my daughter's dad is always invited...
This year, my hubby is maxed already and isn't going to join us so my daughter I believe is very happy to have xmas with me, her dad and her beloved grandma...
And I was stressed that my husband wasn't coming. Hugs to all of you who are struggling with so much stress around this, and a sincere thank you in gratitude for what I have - the best ex-husband I could ever ask for, and a family that negotiates and allows room for everyone to have their own experience.
Blessings.
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12-18-2006 @ 1:09PM
Anna said...My parents were divorced when I was a child. Everyone is so afraid of stepping on someones toes, or being excluded, I guess, that not one person in my family will see, or even speak to anyone else on holidays. It REALLY makes me angry. Especially now that my kids are old enough to realize their grandparents would rather sit home and watch television than see them. The rest of the year, they all try to act normal. I guess this is a comment on how NOT to act, ever!
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12-18-2006 @ 4:13PM
ann adams said...The computer (yours, I think) ate my comment. It's probably just as well.
Reply