Interview with Karen Miller, author of Momma Zen

by Irene Nam (Subscribe to Irene Nam's posts)
Dec 18th 2006 2:03PM

I've read a ridiculously large amount of books on motherhood when I was pregnant with my twin boys. Funny, informative, sometimes a bit authoritarian but usually emotionally charged books that have crowded my shelves during many years. Some of them have helped me taking better care of a fever, a diaper rash or a bad tantrum. Others have given me a much needed perspective and the ever so comforting knowing that I am not alone.

"Momma Zen, Walking the crooked path of motherhood" is the book I would have loved to read when I became a first time mother five years ago. In a compassionate and intelligent voice, author Karen Miller explores how the daily challenges of parenthood can become the most profound spiritual journey of our lives. She has that inner ability to look beyond what we think we know and put a gentle light on those feelings we struggle with without being able to ever identify.

I was so enthusiastic and grateful for this book that I emailed Karen and asked her if she'd be interested in being interviewed for Blogging Baby. And she kindly agreed to answer a few questions about her book.

Blogging Baby: What made you decide to write "Momma Zen"?

Karen Miller: I had written for others, as a ghostwriter, all of my professional life. Something stirred in me after my daughter's birth and my mother's death; the time seemed ripe and the words appeared. Momma Zen was the first thing I ever wrote in my own name. I didn't intend to write a book, and I also didn't intend to write about Zen. But my heart was open and it just seeped through. In the process of writing I became more authentic myself in terms of my commitment to a spiritual practice. The ghostwriter came to life! Looking back, I can see that I was just writing to myself, consoling myself and encouraging myself.

BB: How can spiritual practices such as meditation enlighten us as parents?

KM: Any contemplative practice--prayer, meditation, singing, even knitting!--causes us to slow down, pay attention and quiet the thinking mind. By cultivating mental focus, our intuitive wisdom surfaces by itself. If we would just do ourselves what we so often ask our children to do -- settle down, be quiet, be still, listen --we would all be better off.

BB: My favorite chapter of your book is "You'll know". In this chapter, you write "all the knowledge we seek, every question we ask, is the same: "How do I get there?" The honest answer to all of them is also the same "Nobody knows." But do not be afraid. You will always know what you need to know when you need to know it." Why do you think it is so hard as a parent even more than as a person to acknowledge and embrace that truth?

KM: The brain is so overrated! The intellect is a wonderful servant, but a miserable master. The problem is, most of us live enslaved to our thinking mind, as though if we just thought hard enough, we would figure everything out. We never can; life keeps surprising us, and so we feel deeply insufficient. The truth is, we probably feel just as inadequate in every facet of our life as we do as parents. Our transcendent, unconditional love for our children makes our anxiety even more acute. We all know that this is the most important job we'll ever have. We carry around a dark certainty: that we're not very good at it. My wish is that we let go of this self-judgment for just a little bit, just a moment longer, and be happy.

BB: What's the best "Zen" advice someone gave you and in what specific ways did it affect you as a mother?

KM: Many years ago my teacher Nyogen Roshi of the Hazy Moon Zen Center said to me, "Let the future come to you." I feel instantaneous relief just hearing those words. They applied to me then, and they apply to me now, but they especially helped me in those early years when I was in such a hurry to see my daughter reach benchmarks and pass milestones. I was in such a hurry to ascertain that she was "OK", "normal," "perfect," and to be honest, "well above average." I so seldom realized that she was perfect as she was. She's still perfect as she is. And so am I!