Have you ever wanted not to be a parent anymore?
Categories: Just for moms, Relatives, Places to go, Health & safety, Development
Yesterday morning I met a friend of mine for coffee and she said that she needed to get herself organized and figure out what she was going to do this year. I wrapped my fingers around my large mocha and said, "What do you want to do this year?"Her lips quirked and she sighed. She said, "Want to know the first two things that went through my mind when you asked me that? I thought, 'I don't want to be a mother or a wife anymore.'"
I didn't know exactly what to say because that is not the place I'm in anymore. But I have been there. Oh, yes I have. When I was going through my divorce, I was visiting Chicago and I remember looking through the want ads, idly, at jobs and apartment rentals. I remember mentally calculating how much money I had in my bank account, and thinking that rather than facing an ugly divorce and single motherhood and incalculable pain, I could just...disappear.
My friend's situation is a little different. Her child has some special needs that make her life very difficult at times, and I think she just needs a break. But if it is hard for parents whose children do not have special needs to get a break, it is nearly impossible for those chose children do have them. This child does not qualify for care relief from our regional center. He is simply an exhausting person to be around-- and it would not be easy to feel at ease leaving him in someone else's care.
I have a very hard time understanding people who abandon their children. Maybe that's because I have looked that alternative in the face and walked away from it. But I have no problem understanding parents who walk right up to that line and look it long and hard in the eye.
What about you?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Lisa 1-04-2007 @ 10:25AM
Personally, it's never occurred to me. But my mother left when I was a month old -- she left a note for my dad before she walked out, which he kept until I was 18 in case she ever changed her mind. She had problems with depression, which ultimately lead to her death 20 years later. I am so glad I was raised in a happy and health environment by my dad. I can't imagine the life I would've had if I'd been force to adapt to my mother's problems.
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Kellie 1-04-2007 @ 10:42AM
There was a time, before my son got his autistic spectrum diagnosis and my husband was traveling do Dallas weekly (this still happens) that I thought I was literally going insane. Parenting my son was so hard and no one believed me that there were things that were not typical(inlcuding my hubby)and that was the most alone and miserable I was. There were days where I actually thought I could just drop him off at my moms and drive away. Of course I knew I wasn't serious, but the thought was such a relief. Once I finally took my son to Columbia Presby in NY for his evaluation and got help did I stop periodically having that thought.
I have not had that thought in over two years.
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Dylan Emrys, M.A. Pre- and Periatal Psychology 1-04-2007 @ 11:39AM
I have never thought of abandoning my daughter...but there were times when I wondered what life would be like had she never been born...that lasts about a minute because when I follow the thought, life is so different I can't get my head around it.
I too, can totally understand "looking long and hard" at the idea of leaving parenthood...I've worked with emotionally challenged kids, and their familiies, and have so much compassion and respect and awe for the parenting challenges they face.
I think it's great to speak about these difficult thoughts, and the hard parts (sometimes the shameful) of parenting...we can love ourselves through them, and love our kids past them. On my site, I have a blog post about "five things you don't know about me as a parent"..I invite you to visit and post some of your own.
**For the above poster with a child diagnosed with Autism Spectrum, one of my daughter's best friends is diagnosed with that also, and we gave her a book (and her family) called "Animals in Translation" by Temple Grandin...an autistic woman whose made a career of understanding animals, something she was gifted at BECAUSE of her autism...anyway, Jas and her mom really loved that book, so I'm passing it on to you in case you're interested.
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Ginny 1-04-2007 @ 1:07PM
I've had a few times since having children where I wished I could just jump off of a cliff. Luckily, there are no cliffs in Florida. ;)
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ann adams 1-04-2007 @ 1:16PM
Jen, are you sure you didn't read my post from yesterday before you wrote this?
No, I didn't walk out but if I could have waved a wand and disappeared everyone for an hour or so I might have done it.
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ann adams 1-04-2007 @ 2:04PM
Hi Ginny
Florida has lots of water. You could just start swimming.
Or finally win the lottery? You did buy a ticket didn't you?
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Ginny 1-04-2007 @ 2:25PM
Hey Ann;
Yeah, we do have water...and there are some high bridges I could jump from....
Yes, we bought a Florida Raffle ticket and didn't win. Now I have to think of another plan...
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Kellie 1-04-2007 @ 11:12PM
Dylan,
That is a great book. Temple Grandin and others being so vocal about who they are is what keeps many of us going. It's our reminder on the days where things seem hopeless (and it's been almost 2 years since we were at that place) that these kids are amazing.
My mom and I were talking one day and she said she came to the conclusion that how do we know that every kid with autism is not the normal one? Who is to say the us neurotypicals are normal? Just because there are more of us doesn't mean that we are the "right" way.
Temple Grandin is amazing and what she has accomplish with her cow shoots is mind boggling. It's funny because my son doesn't have and true svant qualities, but he is shocking when it comes to directions. At two years old he could tell people how to get around town, even from different directions. If he came up to a light from a direction he had not been before, he would just switch it around in his brain and tell you the right way. It's amazing and at times, so frustrating. If I go a way that is different? Watch out. Life is over for at least 20 minutes until he can process why we went a different way.
Anyway, thanks for the recomendation!
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Heather 1-05-2007 @ 12:39AM
Yes I have thought that. I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have kids, If I hadn't had a baby when my dd was 11 and not as needy . If I had never met dh. What would I do if they were gone, like in the movie Forgotten. What if there was an accident would I be able to handle it? What would I do if dh took the kids, what if we sperated and he got custody. What if I died would dh be able to handle everything by himself? Would ds be a mess becasue dh spoils him out of guilt ( I can see that happening).
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L. 1-05-2007 @ 11:55PM
When my oldest was a baby, I used to fantasized about abandoning him all the time -- always somewhere where people would find him right away, because I never, ever wanted any harm to come to him. I had similar thoughts about abandoning the next two babies, but they weren`t as intense, maybe because I expected them....ain`t those PPD hormones grand?
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kristina 1-09-2007 @ 1:34PM
Never thought this---can't imagine life without my lovely boy, on the worst of days and on every best.
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