When toddlers escape: Bad mom or neglect?
One afternoon about four years ago, I sat in my kitchen drinking coffee with a neighbor when I heard a knock on the door. It was another neighbor. She had my 20-month-old son in her arms.
"I found him downstairs across the street," she said.
Apparently Jack had climbed over the child-safety gate blocking our outside balcony, walked downstairs and headed for the park across the street of our University Family Housing complex.
"When I asked him where you were he pointed upstairs," said my neighbor. "So I thought I should bring him back home."
Talk about a Bad Mommy Moment.
Making it worse was the fact that this was not the first time this had happened. My boy was an escape artist -- the sort of tot who would make for an exit if I took my eyes off of him for even a moment. And I was an overwhelmed, under-rested mom of two with a husband in law school (i.e. out of the picture) and a tendency to let them play unattended. We were in student family housing, after all. There was an enclosed courtyard with gates, and dozens of kids and at least a parent or two outside at all times. Older kids routinely kept an eye on younger ones. In this close-knit neighborhood environment, I had let my guard down.
I thanked her strenuously. I apologized. I stammered. I explained. Guilt, embarrassment, anger, annoyance and terror all crashed around inside me until my two friends reassured me that it was OK. They wouldn't hold this against me. Thank Goodness Maria-Christine, who'd found him, was Brazilian and not a high-strung, morally righteous American. I felt bad enough as it was without feeling judged by the Mom police.
Making the news this week is the story about the toddler who escaped his apartment and took a stroll down a highway -- as cars and big-rigs swerved to avoid him. The mother was found asleep in a nearby apartment. She was arrested and her children (there was another in the apartment with her) were taken by Child Protective Services.
I was as quick to condemn this woman as anyone when I first read the news reports. What a horrible mother! What kind of trash falls asleep in the middle of the day with two little kids running amok?
Well. Um. Me. I can think of several times when my kids were very young and I was exhausted, or sick with the flu, when I passed out for an hour on the couch while they ran unattended. Yes, I closed the door and yes I put on a video to occupy them, and yes, every mother of a two-year-old knows what can happen when a toddler gets bored and you're not watching them.
Toddlers are wild cards. Let's be honest -- unless you're the kind of hovering, ever-vigilant, highly organized mom that I'm not, accidents happen. Toddlers are newly mobile, and suddenly have the brain power to figure things out on their own. How to unlock doors. How to turn on the stove, find the knives you've hidden, climb up to the medicine cabinet, find the one can of poison you have in a back box deep in the recesses of your garage...toddlers get into trouble we can't even plan for. They're walking, talking death-wishes.
So I'm forced to re-examine this story and my reaction to it. Was this woman a bad mom? Unemployed, high, passed out in the middle of the day in front of a blaring TV while her children ran unsupervised? Much was made of the shabby state of her apartment. Were the kids fed? Did they have beds to sleep in and clothes to wear? Was she neglectful? Does she have a history of this sort of thing? Is she even remorseful? We don't get those kinds of details in the news accounts.
What if she is just like you and me? What if she just fell asleep that day - maybe she had the flu currently going around -- that'll knock you out for the day, kids or no. And as for the state of her apartment...now come on. Anyone with small children understands the chaos they wreak and the futility of keeping a place that'll pass the white glove test. My kids are in elementary school now -- no more diapers or sippy cups -- but they still trash the place daily. I take it as a sign of creativity and joie de vivre. (as I write this, they're both sliding down the stairs in a single sleeping bag...). It's long been a joke among my mom friends -- "Sorry for the mess" is the first thing out of our mouths when visiting each other.
When my kids were small, my place was always a mess. And my kids were grubby. Sometimes their noses ran and I couldn't keep up with the mucous. Sometimes they ran around in a T-shirt and a diaper clutching a crust of bread looking to all the world like street urchins.
And the first time Jack got out -- out the door of a shop and into traffic -- before I looked up from the kids shoes I was pricing, looked around, and saw the open door, and then sprinted into the street as the whole world around me went into slow motion -- I remember the feeling. That sickening blend of terror and self-hatred and panic that stayed with me for months after that. I had to sit in my car and calm down for an hour before driving home, with Jack blissfully unaware, sitting safe and sucking a bread stick in his carseat behind me. I sobbed all night that night, clinging to my husband, who tried to assure me that I wasn't a horrible, incompetent mother, and that nothing *did* happen ultimately, and Jack was *not* hit by a car and killed, so stop crying. Just be more watchful with him. Yes. Yes I will, I resolved. I ordered one of those toddler leashes I swore I'd never use the very next day.
Nobody is writing about how this mom is feeling. Her child, her baby boy, could well be dead. Should be dead, but for the Grace of God. Because she wasn't watching and he got out.
It happens all the time. In every neighborhood. To every social class. It happened to me. Twice. But this one got on the national news. Now she's in jail and she's lost her children.
I'm not defending her. But I don't know the details. And without details we can't judge.
Can we, moms?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
kristie 1-04-2007 @ 7:46PM
it does sound bad, but i really feel for what you went through in those instances where your kid escaped. lucky for me, mine doesn't seem too inclined to make a getaway. i wish people (myself included) could feel more comfortable asking neighbors and family for help with kids. you should not have been alone with your kids with the flu either! i am lucky to have in-laws in town who are great about helping me when i'm sick or tired; but even with family, i feel "weak" asking for help. i wish that communities were set up more like the "old days", where you could lean on each other without feeling inadequate... if it helps, if i saw your kid in a store, headed for the door, i'd stop him! :)
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Anon 1-04-2007 @ 9:11PM
Um... There was feces on the walls of the apartment, and the sister of the boy who escaped was eating spaghetti off of the filthy floor.
That goes beyond "kids are tough when they're young," and "it's hard to have kids and be ill" (I've seen no reports that she was sick, BTW, and I live about 45 minutes from where it happened, and it was in my local paper before it hit national news).
My whole family had the stomach flu when my daughter was 15 months old. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. There was no feces on the wall, and no one ate off the floor, even though I was so sick I had to go to Prompt Care for fluids and fetal monitoring. When you're a mother, you suck it up. Sure, you make mistakes, but you suck it up.
Her reaction was totally inappropriate to the situation. She did not (reportedly) show remorse or concern of any kind. "Oh, he got out again," is not an appropriate response to "Your kid was running around unsupervised on an incredibly busy 6 lane highway."
This woman has a history of neglect. This was not a one time thing - the boy had escaped a few days before. And from the pictures, she looked like a total meth addict. She said she'd been asleep since midnight, and the police reports were coming in at around 9 am. Why was she still asleep? Why hadn't she gotten up to feed her kids (I shudder to think how long the spaghetti that the poor sister was eating had been on the floor).
She totally deserves to have her kids removed. It's a wonder that neither of them died first.
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2006612310322
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Kellie 1-04-2007 @ 11:01PM
As a mother with an escape artist I feel for moms who have kids who get out. My son has gotten out of the house about three times and two of those were early morning. We EVEN COSLEEP!! How did I not hear him. It wasn't until I was awake one morning and saw him slither out of the bed as quietly as he could that I knew how I slept through it. THANK GOD I have an older gentleman who drives his golf cart every morning at 6:00 am to go play golf. He saw Jagger both times and brought him back. The first time I was mortified. The second time I wanted to die. He must have thought I was horrible mother. We set the house alarm at night now because the boy can work a lock better than any burgler I have ever seen.
My son got out a different time at night and I was running down the street at midninght chasing him when a neighbor called the police. I tried to explain that he was on the autistic spectrum and these kids sometimes don't respond to a parent calling them. It can look bad. He was livid and calling me names. It was really out of control. The cops came and took my side and told the guy that autism or not, kids get out and he needs to realize that and help the situation and not make it worse. It made me feel so good.
One day last year my neighbors 3-year-old (at the time) came knocking on my door to play. I asked her if it was ok with her mom and she said yes it was (this was usually a daily occurance), but I didn't see her mom waiting in the driveway like normal. TWO HOURS later her mom came running over freaking out because she couldn't find Jessica. I told she was playing with us. Turns out that my neighbor was sick and the doctor gave her some medicine and told her it wouldn't knock her out. Aparently he didn't know the side affects.
I totally understand how it happens. Even when we have our eye on them 99% of the time, it's that 1% that can result in tragedy.
I had heard that the mom in the article was shady and it had happened a few times before. That she already had neglect charges and her home was filthy. I don't know. The media can change a few words to make her like the devil mother or mother theresa. In the case of this story, instead of getting pissy at the mom, I just give a silent thanks that the baby was ok and I leave it up to those who know to fix the situation.
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Heather 1-05-2007 @ 12:12AM
I have an escape artist as well He will unlock the locks and open the doors and go see grandma. He has puched chairs over to the doors to reach the locks, climbed over baby gates, rammed them with his bike til the fall down. We can't put a chain lock on the back door because of the type of door it is but we do have it alamed now.
When I hear of escaping toddlers I feel a bit sorry for the parents because they can be quite sneaky about it.
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meg mcg 1-05-2007 @ 7:29AM
What the hell kind of statement is " Thank Goodness Maria-Christine, who'd found him, was Brazilian and not a high-strung, morally righteous American".
And you talk about not wanting to be judged? Are you blind to your own racism/classism/ethnicism?
Get off your high horse and look at the manure you just left behind.
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Ginny 1-05-2007 @ 10:40AM
I also have a child who was fascinated with unlocking doors, etc. He never "escaped" however. I may be one of those high-strung morally-righteous American moms, but I can't even imagine letting my guard down so low that my child left the home unnoticed. There are ways to lock the doors so that little ones can't escape. I also have an alarm system installed that beeps when a door or window is opened. I don't think I went above what I should have done either. Maybe I should find a friend from Brazil who can teach me how not to be so high-strung...then again, no.
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Brokemom 1-05-2007 @ 3:21PM
So did you ever use the leash, or not? I'm curious...
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rbiernesser 1-06-2007 @ 10:19PM
I have never had my child "escape" yet, but when he was three, he woke up early one morning undid the chain on the front door, unlocked, and opened the door and then went to sleep under the pillows on the couch. My husband woke up getting ready for work and went to the kitchen and the door was opened. He checked the baby's room and he was gone and he woke me up and trying to find shoes to go look for him outside. I started to cry and was getting some clothes on and called my mom to tell her the baby was gone. She lives close and could help look. I sat down and was crying and talking and putting on shoes, when my little 3 yr old pops up from the pillows and said "mom , why are you crying?" popped back down and went back to sleep. later, after I got myself together I asked why he opened the door and he said so Courtney could get in. She was the little girl I baby-sat and i always woke up and opened the door so they could just walk in.
An escaping child could happen to anyone, BUT when the mom says "oh, he got out again?" and the other child is eating food off the floor and there is animal poop all over the place and the place is trashed,and it wasn't the first time, she DESERVES to have her children taken from her.
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CB 1-07-2007 @ 12:04AM
This is a bit off topic, but --Thank you very much to all of you who have escape artist kids. My one-year-old never stops moving and when I try to constrain him while shopping, he either wiggles/ climbs out or screams bloody murder. I prefer to let him run and explore and have fun. It works best for us. Yes, he gets away. Yes, he goes around corners. Yes, he occationally gets into things he shouldn't. Yes, I run after him. No, this is not enough for a lot of people. I have received a LOT of subtle or not-so-subtle pressure from complete strangers to keep my son confined (mostly due to the threat of law suits). I disagree with this type of parenting. I know my son's abilities. I don't want to take away the opportunities for him to explore and to learn when he is able to do so. I feel that Americans confine their children too much. I also agree that we, as a society, do not take enough care of children (i.e. other people's)leaving mom's on their own. I also agree that the woman in the article probably should have been punished. Most of all, I think that the original blogist is my type of mom (I also have a husband who is gone a lot and have almost sole responsibility for our child) and I thank her for her comments.
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Jiji 1-15-2007 @ 4:16PM
I had an experience yesterday with my kids escaping, and have been sick to my stomach since then. My son is 2 1/2 and my daughter is 18 months. My son gets into everything and no gate or lock restrains him. Once in a while he will unlock the door and the deadbolt and ring our doorbell over and over. We put chains on our doors for when one of us leaves(he wants to follow us) or while sleeping. Yesterday, we had just got home, my husband fell asleep on the couch, so I went into the bedroom to do my homework on my PC while the kids were playing with their toy PC's next to my feet together. The next thing I knew, my doorbell rang. I came around the corner and some stranger was in my LR yelling at me that my kids were in the road playing. My heart dropped and ran outside. There was my son by the roadside, and his baby sister standing in the middle of the road!!! I couldnt say anything but grab them and say Oh My God, Thank You!! Thank god I live in a new neighborhood with not a lot of traffic, but it was dark out also. The guy looked at me like I just slapped his mother shaking his head at me!! The thought of seeing my baby in the road still plagues me, what if he wasn't out there? What if he wasn't jogging? Could you imagine seeing your door wide open at night, and not seeing your kids?? Plus everyone is telling me because of the kind of neighborhood I live in, that he probably called Social Services. Its hard to believe that you let your guard down even for a minute, your kids could be hurt or killed. I'm overprotective to begin with, now my poor kids are going to have me hovering over them like a hawk.
In comparison with the lady in Indiana, i couldnt imagine acting so non chalant after hearing cars were dodging my kid! My house can become untidy once in a while from having 2 toddlers throwing things around, but it's mainly toys. I don't have animal feces anywhere in my house..and I have 3 dogs. Plus my kids are fed at a kitchen table, no food or trash would ever be on my floor. I sometimes think its ridiculous when people get Social Services involved with everything you do with your child. It makes me paranoid for no reason, like Im looking over my shoulder at people when my son has a temper tantrum in Walmart and I leave right away. But in instances like that I feel so sorry for the children having a life like that and a mom who doesn't care. I'm so happy nothing happened to the children, and will get the care they deserve.
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